So, you have found a guy that you think could potentially be a keeper. You may not have even met him yet, but let’s face it, we are twenty-first century women and internet dating is our ally. Keeping him interested from the off and sustaining it, however, is something I know a lot of women struggle with.
Now let me start off by saying there is no perfect formula that will automatically have a potential Prince Charming doting on your every beck and call. And let’s be honest, what would be the fun in that? Just like women, every man is different and you will need to put some serious leg work in to find out what works with each guy. This may sound a tab laborious and may even turn out to be a wasted effort, but it will most definitely be worth it in the end.
But I’m not going to leave you hanging dry. I have put together 8 strategies that will help you keep your potential lover interested long enough to blossom into a new budding romance, or even reignite the spark in a longer-term relationship.
So, imagine this; you meet a guy, you start talking, maybe even go on a couple of dates. Things seems to be going well but he just seems to agree with everything you say. I don’t know about you but that sounds dull as hell.
Unfortunately, some of us women are guilty of such a crime. And it is not doing us any favours. If you act like you have got nothing but candy floss between your ears for fear of upsetting a guy or not having the same opinions, he will never see you as anything more. And if he doesn’t see you as anything more than pink sugar, then why would he waste his time investing in you?
The key here is to be yourself. Stand by your values, let him see you are passionate about things and that you can hold a conversation about more than what your favourite pizza topping is. Compelling conversation is the difference between awkward small talk over coffee and a four-hour interactive discussion.
When starting out a potential relationship, you are in a way advertising yourself. Now I don’t want to sound like an advert for a 1950’s housewife, but these first few dates will determine whether he is willing to invest further in the relationship (and the same visa versa), and you need to illustrate your qualities in a way that will get him hooked. As a woman, you have so much to offer and all he needs is a glimpse of this. By agreeing to everything he says and does, you are doing nothing but show that you are not your own person and just a mirror of what you think he wants.
Everyone has down days; days where things did not go to plan and Lady Luck just was not on your side. When starting out, do not use him as a soundboard for all your woes – this is what your friends and family are for. Now this does not mean do not tell him about your day, after all how is he meant to get to know you if you keep everything locked behind an iron wall? But just be careful that you don’t monopolize the conversation moaning about how your boss is incompetent or how you laddered your tights on the way in to work.
One of the biggest and most daunting aspects of a new relationship and keeping a guy interested is sex. Intimacy and sexual compatibility are a huge factor of any relationship and they deserve to be treated as such. Do not be a guy’s booty call.
You are worth more than that. If you do not respect yourself enough for it to be a meaningful experience, how can you expect him? Part of the thrill of a new relationship is the building tension and suspense of the sexual encounters, and to rush into it at his beck and call will crush that. Not only will it leave you feeling used, but he will see your own lack of self-respect. If the shoe was on the other foot, would you stay interested?
Dates are meant to be fun, a way for you to connect. Use this time to your advantage. Show him that you are smart and classy, creative and innovative and that ultimately you are self-reliant. A man is not looking for a girl who he will have to babysit, he wants a woman who exudes confidence. By showing that you want him, but do not necessarily need him, will heighten his desire to take things further. Let’s be honest, we all love the thrill of the chase.
Not everyone is a social butterfly and that is just the way it is sometimes. But that does not mean that you have to be a wallflower whimpering behind your menu. Confidence is one of the biggest turn ons for a man, and a sure-fire way to keep him interested and coming back for more.
This does not mean you need to initiate every conversation, plan every date or prance around like you are a long-lost Kardashian sister. What it does mean is appreciate who you are. He has taken the time to meet with you, potentially invest his future with you. This means he must clearly see something in you. So just flaunt it.
Although looks are not everything, we are by nature visual beings. Some men like the natural look, some prefer the whole works. You just need to do what you are comfortable with, but if you know what he likes and you are happy with that, there is no harm in indulging in it. As long as you feel comfortable and confident, that will beam through and keep him enticed, whilst also making him proud to have you on his arm.
Now I know I said that you do not need to plan every date, but this also does not mean that you need to be waiting anxiously by your phone for him to ring or text with plans for your next date. Surprise him and plan something yourself. Not only will this show him that you are not willing to idly wait around for him, but your choice of date will give further insight to who you are. He will probably be pleasantly relieved at not having to plan another interesting activity that he thinks you will enjoy but also excited at the prospect of just being able to enjoy himself without all the stress that can come with organizing a date.
Keeping a guy interested is not just an issue of new relationships. As the years go on, keeping that spark alive can be just as difficult, if not more so. Things just seem to get in the way and you feel like you already know everything about that person, and maybe take for granted that your other half will be there forever. With forty to fifty percent of American marriages ending in divorce, this is not an issue that can be taken lightly.
Sometimes, all it takes to get your guy back interested in you and the relationship is some creativity. By this point in your relationship, you know your guy better than any other person on the planet. Use this knowledge to your advantage. Little surprises go a long way to reigniting the passion and intrigue back in to a relationship. An intimate candle-lit dinner, a surprise weekend away or an adrenaline filled activity such as bungee-jumping or roller coaster riding. Any, or all of these, will remind him that you are a catch and someone he can continue to be committed to.
But if they seem a little vanilla for your taste, the bedroom is the ideal place to reignite the passion. Be as risqué as you dare. If he is usually the one calling the shots in bedroom, try dominating him. If you have a usual routine for your bedroom acrobatics, try new lingerie, or maybe no lingerie at all whilst cooking dinner. This mix up of the norm will spark his interest in you again and remind him how damn sexy you are.
Only you know where your boundaries as a couple are, and there is no harm in pushing those boundaries, as long as you still feel comfortable.
This is a big one. If you’ve got to the stage where he is introducing you to his friends, you have got over a major hurdle. Guys talk as much as women do, and you are naïve if you think that they have not been given the low-down on you. Look at it as you will, but ultimately this is a test. A test you need to pass if you want this relationship to go further.
One of the worst things you can do in this situation is be fake. He is letting you into his life by introducing you to his friends, and will clearly know if you are not being yourself.
If his friends think you are a catch, he is likely to take their advice and continue putting his effort into the relationship. Not only this, getting them to like you gives him bragging rights. He wants to show you off, so let him! He wants them to be envious that he has got such a great woman as yourself, and this can only be done if you are genuine.
The opinions of a guy’s friends are crucial if you want the relationship to move to the next level; just the same as how important you view your friends’ opinion of your guy. Make allies of his friends, without trying to poach them, and he will be more willing to invest in you.
Yep, it’s another biggie. If you’ve passed the friend test, give yourself a big pat on the back. But that does not mean you have got the guy in the bag. However, if you do make it to the family stage, the interest in you and pursuing the relationship further is definitely at the forefront of his mind.
Guys are generally perceived as mummy’s boys. This is a difficult relationship to navigate. If this is the case with your guy, her word will make or break your relationship, so tread carefully.
This does not mean be a little timid mouse for fear of upsetting someone. Just as you showed him that you have self-respect, do not be scared to show them the same quality. Sometimes a little sass can go a long way in cementing their opinion of you, whilst showing him that it was not just an act for his sake.
Ultimately, his family just want him to be happy with a decent woman. Show them you are that decent woman. Engage with them, be charismatic, show them all the good qualities that he sees in you and they should follow suit. If you gain their approval, his interest in you definitely has potential for the long haul.
Everyone likes talking about themselves to some extent. It is a given of human nature. But it becomes a little monotonous if someone only talks about themselves. At the start of relationships, this is an easy trap to fall into, especially when you take in to account nerves. Even the most gentlemanly of men will get begin to get bored of such conversations, but it also gives off the impression that you are not interested in him or getting to know him.
So, if he thinks that you are not interested in getting to know him, why would he bother remaining interested in you?
Just as you expect him to show interests in your hobbies – and by this I do not mean you want him to be holding your hand whilst doing a downward dog in your Wednesday yoga class – you need to reciprocate the interest in his life.
If he plays sports; ask him about them, take an interest in whether he wins, maybe even go and watch him play. Compromise when it comes to what films you watch together. Let him choose where you go to eat sometimes, even if it may not be your first choice.
But it does not stop at recreational activities. Take a genuine interest in his life, his passions and opinions. He needs to feel valued as a person if he is willing to keep his interest alive.
But taking a genuine interest in him and his hobbies has a two-fold positive effect. By investing the time to get to know him better, you will have a better judgement on whether you see the relationship going further. It will keep conversations fresh, interesting and a two-way street. You may even discover opinions you had never considered before, activities that you had not tried before and a deeper insight in to who he really is as a person.
You can only keep a guy interested if you are still interested in him, and to do so you need to find out who he is, what makes him tick and whether that resonates with you. By taking the time to take interest in his life, hobbies and feelings, you are showing him that you are willing to take the relationship further – which also dispels any fear or doubt he may have of rejection.
Mystery and Intrigue
Everyone loves a bit of mystique, guys included. There are some things he just does not need to know straight from the off. Leave a little to the imagination. Leave him wanting more. This is the key.
It may sound simple enough but in fact there is a fine line. You do not want to appear too hard-to-get. It is all good and well letting him enjoy the chase but if he thinks it is a lost cause, he will very quickly lose interest.
On the other hand, leaving the door wide open whilst you go the toilet is also a sure-fire way to get him running for the hills.
You need to find the balance. You have no need to tell him about every aspect of your life on your first date. What has he got to come back for if he already knows everything? Give him just a taste of who you are as a person to spike his intrigue. Leave him excited for your next conversation so he can find out more about you and his interest will definitely remain sustained.
Honesty and Trust
These two things are the key to any relationship; new or long-term. Without these, no relationship will go the distance.
Helen Fischer, Ph.D has done extensive research in to ‘Why People Fall in Love’
Fisher states that ‘humans have evolved three core brain systems for mating and reproduction:
- Lust – the sex drive or libido
- Romantic attraction – romantic love
- Attachment – deep feelings of union with a long term partner’
If you have got to the ‘Attachment’ stage, then you have got and maintained his interest. But that does not necessarily mean it is a given that you will always have it. Any relationship takes work and constant renewing but with this comes the need for honesty and trust.
If you are unhappy with something, tell him. Do not give him clues or hints and just assume that he will come to the same conclusion as you. He will more than likely just feel inadequate.
If you feel like he is unhappy, ask him. There may be some things he is scared to voice. He may not even realize that he is giving off the impression that he is unhappy. Your ability to speak to him openly and honestly will cement your bond and make him feel more comfortable about speaking to you in the future if there are any issues.
If he has given you no reason not to, trust him. Trust that what he tells you is the truth. Do not be second-guessing his every movement or looking for deeper meaning in flippant remarks. If he constantly feels like you are hounding him, his desire to stay may become questionable.
A relationship without trust and honestly will only lead to resentment. Men are just as insecure as women, and the fear of loss is the same for both genders. Although he may put up a front, we are all emotional and, at times, we all need a person who is a crutch of support. Be that woman for him.
Start your relationship with trust and honesty, and it will blossom over time. You will find out things you never knew about each other whilst also being that person the other one can rely on when needed.
Every person is different, just like every relationship is different. You need to figure out what is right for you.
Dating can be scary. Being in a relationship can be scary. But a lot of it is how much you are willing to do to sustain it. Everyone fears rejection, men and women alike. But if we all just go through life scared to take a chance, or unwilling to jump a couple of hurdles, then we are not going to get very far.
You may find that you have already tried some of these strategies and they did not work. But why not try them again? As women, we are constantly changing and adapting and it is something we must continue to do. Just because something did not work with one guy does not mean that it will not work with any. That is just giving up.
Continue to push your boundaries, take risks and improve yourself. Do not be reliant but make yourself someone to rely on. If he feels like you are someone who could not live without, why would he ever leave?