He Doesn’t Want To Get In A Relationship

couple in the kitchen

Are You Recognizing His Inability To Commit To A Relationship?

Dear Robyn,

I’ve been seeing a guy for almost 10 months and at first I didn’t really like him. He had a crush on me for 2 years and I finally decided to give him a chance and see if he was “the one”. We aren’t in a relationship and I have been single for 4 years.

He says the way his life is right now he doesn’t want to go down that road until he gets himself in order. Before we were just friends and we still are great friends. I really like him and I just want to know if I should stick around or should I give up? I don’t want to rush anything because we’ve been pretty good despite our arguments which stem from me wanting to be in a relationship with him, but I stopped once I had a talk with him about some things that were on my mind. So do you think I should let him go or continue pursuing? Andrea

Note: If you find that you are confused by the things that your man does, check out my advanced attraction techniques. Andrea, It seems that they always get us when they are super attracted to us and because we might be going through a dry dating period we decide to give them a chance when maybe otherwise we wouldn’t. As women part of what attracts us to men is their attraction to us.

There are actually different stages of dating that you must move through effectively to get into a committed relationship. “Prince Charming” (as they all are during the first stage of attraction) probably showed you lots of attention when he was trying to get you to date him.

But the next part of the dating process is sometimes difficult to handle and this is the part when both parties must decide if they want to spend additional time together or if it was just a little crush and they really aren’t compatible with each other. During this time, it is very common for a man after he has pursued you and has shown interest to pull back a little.

He might not call or contact you for days or weeks and he might not seem as interested as he once was. One mistake women make during this time is to question him about getting into a relationship or even worse try to pursue him. The best thing to do during this period is to occupy your time with other things.

This is how to do it effectively:


Patience 201: This means that if he is not calling or contacting you, be patient. But at this time you should not pursue him any further. You should wait until or if he calls to set a date with you. Calls that are acceptable: Those calls that do not involve asking him about a relationship or asking him out on a romantic date. It is actually a good idea to call so he knows that you don’t hold any ill will towards him. Maybe you call him because you want to get his opinion on a subject he has expertise in or maybe you call because he left something at your house. Your call should be warm and friendly; you are just giving him an opportunity to ask you out again.

Friendship & Family 101: Spend more time with your family and friends to help the time fly by faster. If you are waiting for someone to ask you out, it might seem like everyday is a week or every week is a year. If you are consistently filling your schedule your focus won’t be on him calling you or him initiating a date.

Introspection 301: Most importantly, you should use the time to look inside yourself and see if you are truly compatible with this man or if this is a relationship YOU would like to continue. You might decide after reviewing everything that it is better to leave this guy as a friend.

Girlfriend To Girlfriend: If this guy actually told you he needs to get himself together before he enters into a relationship, I feel that you should do just that, give him time. But by giving him time he needs to understand that you won’t necessarily be there when he gets all his ducks in a row. You don’t actually have to tell him this; just continue to date other men. Some women confuse dating with intimate relationships and it is not that. Dating is an opportunity to meet other people to see if there is a chance that you could be compatible with each other. So if your “friend” doesn’t happen to be the one, don’t fret there are always opportunities to date other men.

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  • Andrea

    Reply Reply December 13, 2010

    Thank you!!! I really needed this advice.

  • trutrudiva

    Reply Reply December 14, 2010

    well said Robyn :)

    • robleehow

      December 15, 2010

      Thank you.

  • Alex

    Reply Reply December 14, 2010

    This advice has really helped me to understand a few things about my own relationship. I’ve been with my guy for 7months now. At first, he pursued me to no end. Now that I’ve actually conceded to a relationship, he’s been really distant with me lately. When I tried to leave he refused to accept it, and made that clear. I hadn’t really wanted to leave anyway so I stayed, but he’s distant again. I guess even though he’s adamant that he wants a relationship, he’s still going through that phase of working through his level of commitment and his feelings…

  • Denise

    Reply Reply January 4, 2011

    OMG, you know my boyfriend. I have been single for quite some time but I’ve NEVER met a man like my boyfriend. He is AMAZING and I believe he is “the one”!!! But also distant a lot which is a first for me. He told me that SAME thing as Alex. So reading this is comforting to know that he’s normal.

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