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He Has a Girlfriend, But…

So there’s this guy I have liked for the past 6 months now. His family and mine are really good friends and I have heard from his relatives that he has feelings for me.

Right now he has a girlfriend, but she’s in college in San Diego and we’re in Seattle so I don’t believe their relationship will last.

I don’t know what to do!

My friends say I should go and talk to him, but I feel like hitting on a taken guy is wrong…but I do want to initiate something!

What should I do?

Marvin helps single women identify and avoid dating non-committal men and find their Mr. Right. He coaches women to identify the best places to meet the right men for them, read the signals men display when uncommitted and how to attract the right guy to approach them. Learn how to meet and find the right man for you.

You have kind of answered your own question here…..hitting on a taken guy is wrong so the action for you to take is pretty clear…..carry on living your life and don’t worry about this guy.

If you’re at the stage now where you would like to meet a guy with the view of dating and starting a relationship together, start getting out there and meeting eligible men but leave this guy alone regardless of your level of attraction for him.

Why?

BECAUSE HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND! Need I say more.

Trying to get with a guy who already has a girlfriend is asking for trouble, if not now, then certainly later in the future.

You may end up being in shoes of the girlfriend he is currently with. He could always turn around and throw this back in your face should another woman pop up in the future.

I wouldn’t pay too much attention to what his relatives say, you never know what their motives are for telling you and are likely to be a bit biased which could also mislead you into a false sense of security.

If he breaks up with his current girlfriend (without your interference) then that’s fine.

If the time comes for you two to take your current level of rapport to another level by dating each other then that’s fine too but for now I think you should put your attention elsewhere as this situation has the makings of a problematic situation if you involve yourself in waters that you don’t belong in.

I can understand your desire to initiate something with this guy after all you feel his relationship with his current girlfriend won’t last and you feel a level of attraction for him but you must exercise some self control, self-respect, morals and respect for him also.

He could end up resenting you one day if he leaves his current girlfriend for you, things don’t work out between you and then feels that you’re the reason behind it all, it will be one big drama. Not worth it I’d say.

The advice your friends seem to be giving you don’t sound too clever, your gut is telling you the right thing…..hitting on a taken guy IS wrong….period!

Don’t entertain it, you’re worth more than being the “replacement girl” in this guys life or even worse a rebound which is likely what you’ll be if you pursue this at this moment in time.

What do you think? Does him having a girlfriend mean he’s off limits or is he still game?

Are there any circumstances where you would consider dating a guy with a girlfriend?

 

 

Comments

  1. 05 December 11, 7:27am

    Marvin, this is a very interesting post and thanks for your great input. I’ve definitely been in a situation where I had a “crush” on a guy with a girlfriend.
     
    I now know that it’s not the best situation to be in but I can relate to some of my readers. Sometimes it just feels like you’re right for him and the other woman is just using or mistreating him.
     
    What if his girlfriend treats him badly? Do you feel it’s just wrong for women to hit on men or if the situation were reversed, would it be ok for a guy to hit on a girl when he knows her boyfriend isn’t right for her?

  2. 05 December 11, 11:01am

    Good question Robyn,
     
    I have also been faced with this dilemma of ethics when it comes to making a move on someone who is already spoken for.
     
    I’ve been the guy who wanted a particular woman so much and could see that she was wasting her time with a loser that her life would be much better off if she were with me and I acted on that too! I guess it’s a typical “hunters approach” to getting what you want.
     
    When I look back at it, although I know my intentions were pure (I geniunely cared for her and wanted to give her the best of me and what she deserved) I also had a slight feeling of guilt inside me that I had to live with for being a bit of a “homewrecker.”
     
    So I’ve been guilty of this in the past and know what it can do, not only to the other people involved but also to my own self image and I think unless the relationship has completely broke off, it’s a dangerous space to be in.
     
    It is a tough one though.
     
    I don’t think it should be any different for a man. I think a man shouldn’t mess with a woman who already has a man and neither should he convince her to leave her man for him.
     
    I believe in karma so I don’t think it’s a wise move for either male or female to intentionally engage in this style of courting but it happens, both intentionally and unintentionally but as long as it wasn’t a premeditated act at least you can sleep at night :-)
     
    Just last week I had a female friend tell me that the guy she is currently dating, she had told him to leave his girlfriend to be with her and although he didn’t act upon it at that time, subsequently he broke up with his girlfriend (about 3 months after she had told him to leave her) and now they have been dating for over 7 months now.
     
    Make of it what you will :-)

  3. rhonda
    05 December 11, 1:24pm

    I kinda sorta just went through this… a Facebook friend started sending me private messages and flirting. I recipicated and flirted back. After a short time of doing this, he must have felt guilty and said he had a girlfriend. He went on to say – he didn’t want to be with her and was enduring it.
     
    We kept sending text and private messages in FB., then he shot me a text that said he had no reason to leave her and his heart couldnt hurt her.
     
    The way he wrote it–he was blaming me for putting him in this guilty place.
     
    Point is, it hurt considering I was minding my own business till he started private messaging me in FB. Now, everytime I see him on FB – he acks like I’m the bad guy. It hurts to think someone thinks Im a bad person.
     
    If they are in any relationship – do not risk your intergity – it’s not worth it.

    • 05 December 11, 1:39pm

      Thanks Rhonda for sharing your experience! I’m sure it will help a lot of readers.

    • 05 December 11, 6:24pm

      Great point Rhonda, it certainly isn’t worth risking our integrity, which is the only thing we have when it’s all said and done. :-) Thanks for your insights

  4. Confused
    05 December 11, 1:44pm

    Really good article. Thank you! However, I’m in the position where I was dating this guy and he had a ‘best friend’ and I later after 2 months found out this ‘best friend’ was the girlfriend. :(
     
    I confronted him and he says, so does that mean you don’t want to be with me anymore. I don’t want to share! I find out he’s been with her for five years. It kills me.
     
    I developed strong feelings for this guy in the 2 mos we’ve been together (yah i know seems impossible but I did) cuz it’s been every single weekend all weekend long. I know I need to get out now before i get hurt even more than I already am. :( but it’s soo hard.
     
    I’ve told him to lose my number – he’ll continue to call me and text me. He shows up at my house unnannounced and that’s when i become weak. It’s easy to get over him when i can just ignore his calls but when he comes over and we talk and he tells me how much he cares for me and tells me I’m his baby and that I’m all his. I’m back to square 1… and once I bring up the girlfriend it’s like that subject is off limits!
     
    Just typing this to you makes me realize how dumb I am for letting this happen and I know what to do but it’s hard. How dare him for playing me like that! :(

    • 05 December 11, 2:13pm

      Hi Confused,
       
      Not dumb at all! You are just a woman that fell for a man. It happens and it may not be the last time it happens.
       
      But what’s important is that you vow to yourself that you operate from what you truly want and not so much from your emotions you feel around a guy. Because some men are really charming and let’s be honest, it feels GREAT to be pursued, so if a man is doing that and is half way attractive, he stands a chance of capturing our heart.
       
      Here’s what I would suggest: Define what you want. What are the things that are absolutely necessary for you to have when you are in a relationship with a man? From your comment, it seems that exclusivity is one of them.
       
      Then you have to be strong and resist everything that doesn’t match that, trusting that you ultimately will attract a man that has these qualities.
       
      Be careful not to make a long detailed list that no man could possibly live up to. But do have your top 2 or 3 that you can’t compromise on.
       
      You’re right. I would also suggest not continuing the relationship with him, he’s not good for you if he has a girlfriend.
       
      Wishing you well with love.

  5. Confused
    05 December 11, 2:54pm

    Thank you very much for your kind words and advice.
     
    You are sooo right – it is harder when they are attractive and charming and that type of attention feels so good!
     
    And I know I deserve that! I also deserve to be the one and only. So I’m going to do exactly that! I just need to work on being strong!! I know I deserve better!
     
    Thank you again! I appreciate your time. :)
     
    Take Care!

    • 05 December 11, 6:38pm

      Hi Confused,
       
      I echo what Robyn says, you’re not dumb and neither should you feel this way for doing what you believed was right at the time.
       
      These are just one of the many games that men like to play with women and it all stems from wanting to have control and stroking an over-inflated ego.
       
      This guy was pretty keen and determined to keep his “dirty” secret from you and being a trusting woman, you afforded him with your trust and he abused it, which can happen to any of us at any time.
       
      He knows he has a hold over you and is playing on that emotion. Don’t let him inside your house if he comes around because from the sounds of it, there isn’t anything to really talk about with regards to the situation. He’s lied to you, cheated on his woman and still continues to want his cake and eat it too.
       
      I understand that this will be a hard time for you which is why it’s more important you break off all forms of communication with him until you feel strong enough to talk to him without being emotionally influeneced by his sweet words and your affection for him.
       
      Stay strong

  6. What now
    05 December 11, 5:20pm

    I’m currently going through this.
     
    When I first started hanging out with a longtime friend/ex boyfriend once I moved closer, I knew he was hanging with someone but under the impression it wasn’t anything too serious.
     
    Well, lo and behold, its a boyfriend/girlfriend situation. It’s hard because he’s been a best friend for well over a year so I can’t exactly stomach shutting him out completely, but it’s hard thinking about talking with him and knowing we can’t be flirty or knowing we probably shouldn’t hang out anymore.
     
    He constantly tells me he’s not content but they’re still together! It’s confusing and I’m lost. I just want to be happy, I hate being alone all the time though and it was nice spending time with him.

    • Robyn Lee
      05 December 11, 7:33pm

      Dear What Now,
       
      Having feelings for a friend or an ex can be very safe and secure. You know them well and they know you.
       
      But I have to caution you not to fall in this trap.
       
      This is because if he is saying he is unhappy, it brings you a little bit closer to him because you know he deserves more.
       
      But trust and believe men still marry and continue to date women who they are “unhappy” with for years to come. If you are willing to wait for the light bulb to go off, then stay and chit chat with him.
       
      If not, I would recommend, getting out there and meeting other men. You don’t have to be as available to him if you have those feelings for him.
       
      You could even be the cause of them staying together longer because of that “pillow” he has to lay on when his girlfriend isn’t acting right. He can always go to you and you provide that emotional support.
       
      Nope, he has to realize on his own that his girlfriend isn’t right for him and want something more if he is truly “unhappy” or “not content”.
       
      You’re no shoulder to cry on because you should be too busy meeting other men and getting what you truly want and that’s NOT being a free therapist.
       
      And once he sees that you are moving on with your life and enjoying dating and meeting new people, that might motivate him to make a change.
       
      But waiting for him to see the light or trying to convince him there is one, not a good thing.
       
      I didn’t say it was going to be easy, but stop waiting around for him to present that job offer when he already has someone in the position that he isn’t really ready to get rid of.
       
      Wishing you well with love.

  7. Single in Buffalo
    06 December 11, 10:12am

    Its so nice to know I’m not the only on dealing with this issue.
     
    I went too far with someone who I really care about but is currently in a relationship and now I feel horrible!
     
    Although it was def his fault too, I feel like the bad person. Like a potential homewrecker. I’ve known him since childhood and we’ve always had a “thing” for each other.
     
    But now that I know he’s capable of stepping outside of a relationship I question my feelings for him altogether. If he will do it with me, I’m sure he will do it to me.
     
    Overall I think I’m living through a lesson… growing pain per say!

    • 06 December 11, 2:24pm

      Hi Single in Buffalo!
       
      Thanks for sharing your experience. You are a very smart woman because many women don’t think if a guy does it WITH them than they can easily do it TO them.

  8. 06 December 11, 2:27pm

    Really like this discussion because I feel that a lot of women and men have been in this predicament. Especially when we feel that the person’s girlfriend/boyfriend is completely “wrong” for them.
     
    Enjoying the conversation. Keep on sharing:)

  9. 06 December 11, 4:09pm

    One of the many red flags we have all failed to see at some point or another.
     
    I sure was guilty of burying the signs of a woman who had interests elsewhere underneath the carpet but it always comes back to bite us sooner or later.
     
    Does anyone believe that men and women are more attracted to people we can’t have than those are perceived to be more easily “captured”?

  10. What now
    07 December 11, 5:27pm

    Just to get a male perspective, Marvin (and Robyn too bc I love you), why would a man drive two hours to spend time with a girl while he has a gf? Shouldn’t he want to be spending that time with her?
     
    It’s so apparent he’s not real into it, bc why cheat?!
     
    I just feel so heartbroken. I want it to work out with him. We have amazing chemistry, which he tells me and says it’s not like how things are with his gf. He tells me how much he cares about me and how beautiful I am…so why this game? Is he keeping me at bay bc him and I are a state apart and she’s close?
     
    How do I maintain a friendship without it being so awkward. Recently when we’ve talked it’s just been so strange. I’m not really revealing too much that’s going on in my life bc it’s not really his business/he shouldn’t get all of me.
     
    I know I should meet other people, but I’m really not a bar type person, I don’t want to do online dating and I’m really so hurt over this boy and think he’s the one.
     
    I know I can’t force him to leave her or like me more, but what do I do? I feel like I’ve told him how I feel a million times and he always responds along the lines of “I’d be lying if I said I don’t feel the same way”…so why arent you with me then?!

  11. 07 December 11, 6:47pm

    @ What Now,
     
    Why would a man drive 2hours to spend time with a girl while he has a girlfriend?
     
    Because he wants to have his cake and eat too! That’s the long-short of it all.
     
    After all, a 2 hour drive is enough time for him to think about why he’s doing it.
     
    The reason why he does it is because inside his mind he doesn’t believe that his current girlfriend will find out about his relationship with you. She probably doesn’t even know you exist.
     
    And because you both live in different states from each other, he probably assumes that you will never go behind his back and tell his girlfriend about what you and him get up to when you spend time together. Which is probably a safe bet. This is how most men think in these situations.
     
    And every time he comes to see you, it represents a sort of “escapism” from his relationship. You offer something “new”, “exciting”, “convenient”.
     
    I don’t say that to offend you or as even a reflection towards you, just to enlighten you that these are the sort of things that drive men to do the things that this guy is doing with you. Men love variety, especially men who aren’t emotionally mature or ready for a monogamous relationship.
     
    Try not to spend hours figuring out why men cheat or why he’s cheating because there isn’t a logical answer to this. The short simple answer is that many men are driven by a need for sexual variety. Some men seek that variety in one woman, others seek it through a variety of different women, just depends on the man.
     
    I do feel for you here though because I sense that you do have a sincere affection for this guy and would love to be in a relationship with him and unfortunately he is manipulating and using this to his advantage – which is “extra cake.”
     
    Let me give you a little tip that you can apply to your dating life and men for the future: “Judge a man by his actions not by his words.”
     
    Words are a woman’s weakness and most men are aware of this – that’s why men always want to know “What do I SAY to her?”
     
    He knows the right words to say to you but his actions don’t add up so something is wrong. We (both men and women) rarely act differently to our thoughts. So everything you need to know is in his actions.
     
    As for maintaining your friendship, I think it pretty much depends on whether you can emotionally let go.
     
    It’s likely that it’s been awkward because in the back of your mind, you’re still thinking about him, you still care for him and want to be with him which is fine, let that dissolve naturally but as until you decide to emotionally detach (easier said than done) you will feel awkward because you’re acting differently to your true thoughts.
     
    Firstly, stop any conversations you have with him about the two of you. This only fuels the situation. So no flirting, innuendos, teasing etc and don’t entertain any talk about him and his girlfriend either, at least until you feel you’re over your heartbreak.
     
    Continue to conversate about the things you’ve spoken about before just minus the “you and me” stuff.
     
    If you sincerely don’t want to reveal much when he asks you questions because you don’t want him to know then that’s fine but if it’s because you’re upset with him because he won’t leave his woman for you, then you may want to not to that. This can only harm you and your friendship together and it’s something that you wish to maintain so continue to talk as normal.
     
    I do agree with you though, he shouldn’t get all of you and he doesn’t deserve all of you. Only give him the parts that you feel he warrants. Just make sure that your reasons are based on your true values and not “anger” “frustration” or “resentment.”
     
    Show him that he is right….you are a beautiful girl and start spending time with other people and meeting other men.
     
    There are many places you could meet men and could give you a list of places. However, it’s best to figure out places of interest to you first and then work you way from there, my article How to Identify Places to Meet Men. if you want further insight and help.
     
    This guy is living a lie that’s why he can’t be with you. Remember, what you’re seeing this guy do right now in terms of him sneaking out, driving 2 hours to see you and cheat on his girlfriend will be the same guy you will have if you ever do convince him to leave his girlfriend for you….so think about it….is that what you really want???
     
    But there could be many other answers to your question why a man would do that.
     
    I would say that he has some level of affection towards you because he is going out of his way to drive 2 hours to spend time with you and I don’t believe a guy who had no interest in a woman would do this.
     
    However, his actions tell me where his interests lie…..with himself!
     
    The question to ask here is : What is his interest?
     
    I wouldn’t say his interest is one that takes your feelings into consideration. Neither does he really care about his girlfriend.
     
    It seems like it’s very self-interested.
     

    • What now
      07 December 11, 9:13pm

      Thank you for your response, I really appreciate it and the article link! I’m having an impossible time getting over him and I’m just fearful I won’t. I’ve known him for eight years and dated previously. He has good characteristics, I know how he’s acting isn’t one of them, but I don’t know. I’m just having hard time with this all. I thought things were going to work out perfectly with him and I so I just feel really devastated now. I know with what he’s doing, I shouldn’t think he’d be a good mate, but for some reason, I feel like he’d be different with me, stupid, I know. I’m just having trouble re-focusing my attention. I’m too young to be this upset, yet I still am. I should hate him and delete him and never speak to him again…but I just can’t.

      • 07 December 11, 9:25pm

        @ What Now…
         
        What part are you most finding the MOST difficult to overcome and move past? What aspect is the “biggie”?
         
        Also, how would you like your current situation to turnout? What would be your ideal situation?

        • What now
          07 December 11, 10:25pm

          I think the most difficult part is knowing that I’ve liked him for so long and people I’ve dated since knowing him have never stacked up. We have the most amazing chemistry together, something I’ve never felt before. I truly feel that he’s “the one.” We get along so well, always laugh, always want to be close and it’s awkward trying to talk now and not be flirty. I feel like I shouldn’t even be the one to initiate a text or convo bc he should be trying for me or like have time to miss me or something having to do with all those games, that I can not stand! haha
           
          I’d like him to kick his girlfriend to the door and then work on gaining me and my trust back and eventually move me closer to him so he can’t complain about distance being an issue. I want to be with him for a very, very long time.

          • 07 December 11, 11:05pm

            Ok. I can tell you really feel for this guy.
             
            You both seem to have a chemistry that would be a shame to waste. I like your thinking on making him miss you by not initiating texts or convos.
             
            Be careful not to make it look like you’re “playing games” though because if he starts to think you’re playing games he may respond with a game of his own and I think you’ve gone through enough emotional rollercoasters with him to start another, so be mindful of that.
             
            Have you asked him what he wants to happen? The next time you speak to him, ask him what does he want to happen with regards to your friendship/relationship?
             
            I’m interested to know your view on something: Why do you think he continues to stay in relationship that he says he is unhappy in? What do you think could be making it difficult for him to leave?

            • What now
              07 December 11, 11:32pm

              You are amazing, just want to let you know. I appreciate your help and advice more than you’d ever know.
               
              When we’ve previously talked about what he wants to happen, hes really not too straight forward or clear with it. He’ll say we have incredible chemistry and that we’ve known each other for so long and when we first started hanging out again he said our kisses are as amazing as they were when we kissed for the very first time 6+ years ago.
               
              He told me, when we’re close like watching a movie or something that he’s not like that with his gf, like they don’t sit close and he even told me when they sleep in the same bed, they sleep as far away as possible from each other and facing different sides.
               
              I’m apprehensive to ask him what he wants to happen with out friendship/relationship because I feel like we’ve had so many talks about it recently and it really never goes anywhere. I told him about two weeks ago I was done with everything and couldn’t deal with him hurting me anymore and spilt my heart out.
               
              He said he has a good time with me, complimented me a bunch, apologized, said he never wanted to hurt me but didn’t really know what to say bc hes tried to be honest and open with me (about things with his gf) but its hard bc 1 not being in the ideal situation to have a relationship (i guess our distance?) and 2 he realizes its too hard for him to “behave” with me even if he intends to. I told him if he felt that way he shouldn’t be with anyone else.
               
              Then about two weeks went by, I broke down bc he got a puppy with the girl and I missed being friends with him and drunkenly called, not the best move, I know. But he’s been texting a little since then, rather awkward though because I’m not putting too much into the conversation.
               
              Oy, why do I think he continues with her? The truth? No clue. He tells me she’s convenient and it just sort of happened because their separate best friends are married so it ends up being the four of them hanging out together. When I once said something about this all he said he didn’t want to be like the asshole with his friends when/if he tells her about the cheating and I was like oh what, are you gonna marry this girl bc you don’t want it to be awkward with your friends?
               
              gimme a break! He’s told me since the beginning, is he head over heels? No. Then why be with her? Why get a dog with her? I wish I knew. It’s hard to tell if he just goes along with things or if he’s lying so incredibly hard to me. I think it’s apparent the gf is much more into it than him and he probably puts in little effort, but still…why be her?!
               
              I don’t know if he doesn’t want to be alone or what? We dated about 6 years ago, and that more or less ended bc I was even further away then than I am now. But he called a few years back and had like a meltdown about how he had liked me so much, more than any other girl and it scared him and he didn’t know what to do and he freaked out and pretty much thats why we broke up. Maybe he’s just not ready to settle down yet so he’s trying to keep me at bay?
               
              But why not be single if you want to experience other people opposed to have a gf! And distance sucks, fine, but it’s fixable.

  12. 08 December 11, 11:36am

    Thank you for your gratitude. I appreciate your willingness to be open and sincere in sharing your experience with me and the rest of the readers who reader Robyn’s blog.
     
    In my experience, many women face situations very similar to yours and by you being so open and insightful, other women can possibly find solutions to their “men dilemmas” too, and I also get to learn from you as well, so thank you.
     
    This guy we’ve been talking about sounds like a very good smooth talker. He certainly knows how to push the right buttons at the right time to get the response he wants.
     
    If you notice, his responses to you are never ANSWERS, they’re more like “comments”, “speeches” or “statements” that are geared to make you FEEL good.
     
    He already knows how you feel so he plays on it, but you don’t really know how he feels, which makes it difficult for you to kind of “reach” him.
     
    As they say, “he has the gift of the gab.”
     
    I’m not saying don’t believe what he says when he talks about the incredible chemistry you share, the feelings he gets when you kiss each other and how he doesn’t do the things he does with you with his girlfriend but read between the lines here a little bit.
     
    If he doesn’t do the things with you with his girlfriend, then what does he do?
     
    You can’t verify what he says, so it’s easy for him to tell you the sweet things and make you feel special about having special treatment, but the truth is that you don’t know what he’s saying to his girlfriend to make her feel special also and what he might be saying about you to others who may know about you, and my guess is at least one of his “boys” will know about you.
     
    Remember what I said before, most men know that words are a woman’s weakness and so if a man knows what a woman loves to hear, he’ll play that song all day long for as long as he can….don’t lose sight of that, especially because he isn’t “exclusively” yours.
     
    I understand your apprehension. You must be tired of asking him the same questions over and over again without getting anywhere.
     
    So let’s ask him the same question in a different way. One that can only be answered directly.
     
    It’s important that when you ask him this question, that you don’t pay too much attention to his sweet words and compliments about how he feels about you because he isn’t doing anything about it.
     
    Get to the root of what you want to know which is “Why can’t you and me work this thing out?”
     
    Now, I’m not saying this the question you should ask him but it seems like the question you want answered so what you ask him should answer this question.
     
    The distance between you may be a factor but I’m not convinced it’s the main or only factor behind his reason for not being with you exclusively.
     
    I think there is substance to what you say in that he probably isn’t ready to settle down in which case he should be honest about it and be a single man who is free to date other women as long as he’s open about it, but he doesn’t seem keen to do that.
     
    So the question is WHY.
     
    No man will stay with a woman without good reason. Most men don’t like to give up their freedom and be in a “committed” relationship for the sake of it, so he has a very compelling reason not to end his relationship.
     
    I don’t know the exact answer or reason but it’s likely to be around pride and convenience.
     
    He has to be getting something out of that relationship in order for him to stay there, especially if he’s confessing to you that he’s unhappy.
     
    Things like does his girlfriend “maintain” him? Does she pay for things, buy him stuff that he can’t get for himself at the moment? Does she have his children that if he were to leave, he’d lose out on that experience with them?
     
    There is something that is keeping him there that you or any other woman aren’t able to give him right now and so he’s eating his cake and eating it.
     
    Before I go, find out what he thinks his life would be like if he was to finish with his girlfriend or if she were to find out about the two of you, ask him how would he feel about it. (Believe me it’s nothing to do with his friend and his girlfriend’s friend being a couple)
     
    Ask him how and where does he see the situation between you going and ending and just listen to his response, not his compliments about you being amazing….that’s “pillow” talk.
     
    If he’s still wishy-washy, you can continue to maintain a friendship with but start socialising with different men and with people in general to help you not place too much focus on the situation because at the moment, it’s a situation you can’t control directly.
     

  13. 08 December 11, 11:47am

    Hi What Now,
     
    To add to this awesome counseling Marvin has been giving, it’s going to be important that you are diligent in figuring out what YOU want.
     
    What do YOU want?
     
    I sense a lot of fear in your writing that you may lose him if you don’t continue to hold on to him. And what adds to that is that you feel he is “the one”.
     
    Here’s the big secret that no one is sharing: YOU are “the one”. You are awesome, loving, kind, etc…Let him find you.
     
    I’m going to be really frank with you now. If he is “the one” there is no girlfriend, no state, no puppy that will keep you guys from being together – BUT in the right time.
     
    What is truly best for you?
     
    If you don’t envision yourself being with a man with a girlfriend, then ending communication could be an option. He’s getting what he wants from you, he gets to have you no strings attached. But what do you want? Decide what that is and move towards it and not against it.
     
    It’s going to be tough, no one said it was going to be easy, breaking off any type of friendship hurts, especially one as close as the one you share with him.
     
    But ultimately, this is a decision that only YOU can make. You can keep on analyzing the situation or you can make the choice of seeing it how it is: This man has a girlfriend and even though he’s told you all these wonderful things, it’s still not enough for him to leave her.
     
    BUT you will also have to cut ties when you are ready. No one is going to be able to convince you, not me, not Marvin, not anyone else. So don’t be hard on yourself, you will let him go, if you feel that is the right option, in your timing.

  14. What now
    09 December 11, 4:19pm

    I really appreciate your sweet words Robyn! I know that I’m amazing and have a lot to offer to someone, and I think/hope he sees that and that’s why he doesn’t want to let me out of his reach.
     
    I’m not completely shutting out other people. I am looking around for guys. I would never not pursue something/someone before of this current guy. I actually pray another one comes along and saves me from all of this, so I don’t want it to be thought that I wouldn’t let anyone else get close, because that’s not true.
     
    I guess since he’s been in my life so much, and majority of the past year after us becoming close again we have NOT been seeing each other. We solely talked for months before we started hanging out again a few months ago. So I’ve really grown used to and comfortable with him. I’ve had many life decisions and choices the past year and he’s always been someone I can turn to. I guess I don’t want to have to go through a phase where we “can’t” talk because that’d be so hard for me.
     
    And the truth of the matter, when we were just talking, he tried to hang out a lot and would invite me to places and…I’d always turn him down. I was feeling extremely insecure and really didn’t want him to see me. And now, looking back on it, I’m fearful this is like self sabotage because he tried and I kept turning him down. And now since hanging out, he’s brought it up a few times, about how he tried to hang out and I never wanted to and I must not have liked him and blah blah and I’ve never revealed it’s because I was feeling so insecure. I’m wondering if that’s something I should come clean about because he was probably offended?
     
    I truly hope that like a few months from now I’ll look back on all of this and just be like wtf but i think back on years and realize that like somehow someway hes like always popped up in my life and to me that means something ya know?
     
    If I could make my mind not be so consumed about this it would be a lot better. I feel like I waste so much time and energy sulking, stressing and thinking about all of this. I’m having a hard time refocussing my mindset, any advice on that would be great.

    • Robyn Lee
      09 December 11, 5:02pm

      Thanks What Now:) I appreciate your kind words as well.
       
      Regarding mindset, it takes time and a little bit of busyness to keep your mind off something like this.
       
      To be honest, as long as the stimulus is there (him), it’s going to be tough if not impossible.
       
      If you decide to end ties with him, it’s going to be tough for the first few weeks, but then it’s going to get a lot better. You will start to have a clearer mind about the situation when you aren’t in it anymore. But you have to be ready for that.

  15. Christine
    29 December 11, 10:17pm

    Great read, happy I stumbled upon it.
     
    Embarrassed to say, but I am in a similar situation.
     
    I met a guy through work (he works for me, but not at my work) and took a liking to him. Just admired him from a far. He never mentioned a gf, so I had some hopes, but didn’t think too much about it. About 3 months passed, and I found out via casual conversation (with someone else) that he had a gf. I gave up any hope of dating this guy and no one knew of my interest – no big deal.
     
    About 5 months in, we had a big project to work on. He was definitely out of my head by this point, but we were chatting one day and he mentioned that his gf had just moved away temporarily, but that she’d probably stay moved away, rather than come back. It was the first time I’d ever heard him mention his gf.
     
    We have a lot in common and get along well. My attraction grew again, but I kept thinking… he’s got a gf.
     
    Fast forward, we became friends, and he started texting me. A LOT. To the point of almost everyday for hours at a time. While working on the project, he’d always “appear” wherever I was, ask others when I was coming in next, take time to come and chat with me, get me a glass of water or a snack, open doors, call me at the office, etc., etc. Exactly the attentive, sweet kind of guy I’ve been looking for (minus the gf, of course).
     
    One night he came over to my place and after hours of just hanging out, we ended up messing around. Didn’t sleep together, but still. I felt happy and horrible all at the same time.
     
    Now I’m wrestling with what to do. We’ve kept up the texting and in-person communication (no messing around) and I’ve decided several times (ha) to walk away. But then there he is, coming to see me, or texting me…do actions speak louder in this case?
     
    We never talk about his gf (don’t know if that’s bad or really bad). I’ve tried to bring it up a couple times, but the conversation hasn’t gone too far…mostly b/c we’ve literally been interrupted. Do you think it’s something that should only be done in person or can i give it a try via text? I say in-person, but I really don’t know. I’m terrible with this kind of thing.
     
    What do you think I should do? I’m torn and confused.
     
    Thank you in advance for your words of wisdom.

    • robleehow
      29 December 11, 10:53pm

      Thanks Christine for your comment.
       
      Yes, this is a sticky situation.
       
      But if you guys have “messed around” it is the perfect opportunity to talk about what happened.
       
      Don’t let too much time pass before talking about it, the sooner the better. If you wait too long, you are communicating that you are fine with just “messing around” since you know and he knows that you know that he has a girlfriend.
       
      Decide what you want first. Do you potentially want a relationship with him? If so, you have to STOP seeing him in that way, because he already has a girlfriend. It’s not a good way to start a relationship.
       
      If you don’t have “the conversation” with him, you’ve set yourself up to be the “side woman” because you haven’t communicated anything different. He gets to have his cake and eat it too.
       
      But if you know your goal is to be in a committed relationship I would suggest you asking him “Where do you see this thing with us going, since you do have a girlfriend?” – And then your part is to just listen. You will find out a lot from his response.
       
      And really his response isn’t to convince you of dating him one way or another – if you’ve already decided that you don’t date guys with girlfriends – you just want to see where his head is.
       
      Is he ok with dating two women at once? Does he see what you guys did as a mistake? Is he willing to leave a girlfriend for another woman? — These are all things you want to know before considering a FUTURE relationship with him.
       
      And whatever his response, let him know that you don’t date or “mess around” with guys with girlfriends – you made a mistake when you did it, so you’re going to allow him to make his decision on his own and if things change in the future, you might be open to a relationship, if you’re available at that point.
       
      But by not spending time discussing it, you are setting yourself up for the “default” – dating a guy with a girlfriend.
       
      Lastly, I know it is difficult to cut off communication with a man you feel you have a connection with. I think a lot of women confuse things that are right as being easy or fun. Nope, it’s not the case. Things that are good for you don’t always feel good. So accept also that it may be a tough time for you when you aren’t “romantically” involved with him, it may not feel right and it may hurt, but it’s better for you in the long run.
       
      Robyn

  16. 12 March 12, 11:12am

    NO!! He had a girlfriend=he’s off limits. PERIOD!! No matter what his family is saying or what he is saying, at the end of the day he hasnt left her. So he’s with her b/c he wants to be. I think we as women spend to much trying to justify why a many is with someone else and not us. Point is if he wanted to be with you he would, girlfriend or not. Also, think about if you were I her position would you someone coming on to your man even though you know he has a girlfriend. Have respect for her and more importantly have respect for yourself, coming on to a man that is clearly taken is like you saying you don’t deserve a man who is actually available. I have had this done to me when a female would try and come one to a guy I was dating and it was to me just very disrespectful you the girlfriend and yourself.

    • Robyn Lee
      13 March 12, 6:29pm

      Hi totaldivarea,

      Thanks for your comment. The respect factor plays an important role:)

      Robyn

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