If you were to google “how to make my husband love me again,” you’d find all sorts of tips and tricks. The question is, do they work?
Would swooning when your husband flexes his muscles make him love you?
Would laughing at his jokes make you irresistible?
Well…maybe. If your husband’s heartfelt affections can be swayed by flattery, then perhaps those things would work.
So if you’re looking for ways to make your relationship look great on the outside –
If you want to look like a fun, affectionate wife –
If you want to slap a pretty band-aid on the deeper wounds in your relationship –
By all means, swoon away.
But if you want to truly know how to make your husband love you again, read on. Together we’ll explore some whys and hows of reigniting his affections, and getting your relationship right back to where you want it.
First things first: EXAMINE YOUR CIRCUMSTANCES
Sometimes life stress and lack of affection can feel exactly the same. Has something happened in your family to put a strain on you and your husband’s relationship?
• Prolonged illness
• Financial troubles
• Parenting difficulties
• A new job or some other kind of transition
A friend of mine and her husband had been married several years when one of them changed careers. Unfortunately, the career change meant their time together was suddenly limited to only a few minutes each day.
The lack of time, lack of physical and emotional intimacy, and lack of communication caused friction between them like they’d never dealt with before. Hidden insecurities that they both had about their relationship were suddenly thrust into the spotlight. Their lives were totally different, and they had to choose between adjusting to a new normal, or giving up.
Thankfully this couple made it through their rough patch and were made stronger by it, but it wasn’t easy. At several points, each of them had to decide if their relationship was worth the pain they were feeling. They had to be intentional about it; they read books about marriage, went to counseling, and learned to love each other differently.
Maybe you and your hubs haven’t experienced a difficult transition, but you’ve walked through an illness, financial troubles, or something else entirely that has created stress and lack of intimacy between you.
Identify what that stressor was, and think about the specific ways it negatively impacted your relationship. If you’re a list maker, now would be a good time to write it all out.
Next (and do this even if you haven’t had a major stressor in your marriage), write out what you want your marriage to look like. If you’re afraid your husband doesn’t love you anymore, what would your relationship look like if he did?
Would he be more affectionate?
Would he want to spend more alone time with you?
Would he initiate lovemaking more?
What are the specific improvements you’d like to see in your marriage? Identify them, and then identify what you can do to bring them about. See “Ever Wondered How to Fix a Marriage? Here Are 4 Tips That Really Work” for more help on how to get your husband to love you again.
Second: REKINDLE ROMANCE – HIS WAY
It’s no secret: men are different than women. One thing they have in common, however, is they both enjoy being romanced (whether he admits it or not).
The essence of romance is saying “I love you” and “I want you” with actions instead of words. For women, that can look like a man doing something special for her: sending flowers, buying a gift, taking her on a romantic date or getaway.
Chances are, your husband doesn’t want flowers or chocolate. So, what does he want?
How could you show him you love and want him without words?
You could try:
• Planning a night out (or in!) based entirely on what he likes to do – his favorite restaurant, his favorite type of movie, etc.
• Wearing those sexy (but uncomfortable) panties he likes on a quick trip together to dinner and the grocery store – because sometimes you gotta find date night where you can.
• Offering to help him with a chore he usually does alone – fixing the sink, mowing the lawn – simply because you want to spend time with him.
• Arranging to send the kids out of the house for the weekend or even just a night so that the two of you can enjoy the freedom of being as spontaneous (or as loud) as you like.
There are plenty of ways to romance your husband, but the most important thing to remember is why you’re romancing him.
You want him to know that you love him and you want him. If you’re wondering how to make your husband want you again, that’s the way to do it.
Third: USE YOUR WORDS
Words are powerful, there’s no denying that. The old adage, “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me”? Well, anyone over the age of five can tell you that that’s a flat out lie – because we’ve all been hurt by words.
We’ve all been wounded, sometimes deeply, sometimes for a lifetime, by what other people have spoken to us.
Unfortunately, we’ve all spoken words that have wounded others as well. We know that words can be dangerous weapons.
On the other hand, words also have the creative power to heal. We can use our words to speak life into someone – to speak courage, love, and truth to someone who desperately needs to hear it.
Honesty time: I find that speaking life to others comes easily for me. I intentionally look for ways to sincerely compliment and encourage my kids and friends because I want them to know that I love and appreciate them, that I see good things in them, and that I’m thankful for the ways they add to my life.
But my husband?
Not so much.
It’s not that he doesn’t deserve my spoken love and encouragement. It’s not that I don’t want to sincerely compliment and encourage him with my words. So why don’t I?
I’ve got plenty of excuses, I’m sure.
Maybe I just get distracted by my wifely and motherly duties, so I don’t think about it.
Maybe it’s hard to find time to have a deep and meaningful conversation, so I put it off.
Or maybe – and I shudder to admit it – I simply take him for granted.
Regardless of why I don’t prioritize speaking words of affirmation to him, the point is that I need to recognize that it’s bad for my marriage, and take steps to change it.
One step might be as practical as putting an alarm in my phone to remind me every day to send him a quick text to say I’m thinking about him.
(I just did that, by the way – set an 8:30 a.m. alarm to “Text the hubs.” I’ll let you know how it goes. You do it too, and let me know in the comments if it helps.)
So, speaking words of affirmation to him is one way you can use your words to make your husband fall in love you all over again. Here’s another one: Use your words to create a peaceful atmosphere.
I heard it said once that wives set the temperature in the home. Is your home a warm, loving, peaceful place? Or is it cold, contentious, and irritable?
While we certainly don’t have complete control over the atmosphere in our home (other people live there, after all) we can do what we can do to set the stage for peace and contentment.
Here are some Do’s and Don’ts for creating a peaceful home with your words.
DO practice positive communication. Speak kindly to your husband, to your kids, even to your dog. Practice speaking calmly when you feel angry. Remember to say please and thank you even when you’re directing your kids to do their chores. Work on replacing negative statements with positive ones.
DON’T nag either your husband or your kids. Don’t constantly complain or worry aloud about things you’re afraid of. Don’t insist on arguing when you know you’re right (GUILTY!). Learn to let things go. I know it’s hard, but I’m sure I…er…you can do it.
DO speak well of your husband to your kids, your friends, your mom – to everyone. That’s not to say that you can’t have a heartfelt conversation with your bestie when you need to vent, but don’t do you venting everywhere. And NEVER vent to a friend who does not respect your husband or your marriage.
DON’T complain or speak negatively about your husband to your children. Don’t let them speak negatively of him either. Also, don’t allow your kids to speak disrespectfully to your husband for any reason. Teach and expect them to be respectful of your husband’s authority, just as they should be respectful of yours.
Which brings us to the fourth tip: RESPECT, RESPECT, RESPECT.
You might have heard the saying, “Women want love, men want sex.” While that’s certainly true to some extent, this is even more true:
Women want love, men want respect.
Your husband needs to know that you respect him – that you value and admire him as a person, as a father (if you have kids), and as a husband. A sure-fire way to make your husband love you less is to make him feel consistently disrespected. Conversely, if you want to draw your husband’s affections back to you, look for ways you can show him respect.
Some easy ways to begin showing your husband greater respect include:
1. Listen when he talks. Put down your phone, put down the remote, stop whatever you’re doing, and listen. Give him your full attention when he talks to you. If you can’t listen right then because of cooking or homework, etc., say, “Honey, I really want to hear this, but I can’t listen right now. Can we save this conversation for later?” And then make sure you bring it up again.
2. Never put your husband down. Don’t make fun of him or speak badly of him to others ever, but definitely not in front of him.
3. Always show your appreciation for what he does for you.
The following is a true and mortifying story that happened just last week.
To set the stage: It’s our 19th wedding anniversary. We’re on our way home from dinner and a play at a local community theater – a play he took me to because I asked, not because he was interested, after taking me to a restaurant that I chose.
Him, sounding casual: “Did you notice that I vacuumed and dusted the inside of the car today?”
Me, oblivious: “No, I didn’t. Did you get change holder clean? It’s so gross.”
Him: “Well, I really don’t know how to get that clean. I vacuumed it…”
Did you notice the glaring absences of this conversation? Such as the fact that I never said “thank you”? I never told him that I appreciated him cleaning out my car without being asked, or going the extra mile of wiping down the interior and even vacuuming the floor.
Eventually I did remember to tell him thank you, but it was hollow gesture that fell flat. My response at the time was disrespectful of the effort he’d put forth and of the sentiment behind it. He didn’t say anything else about it, but I know it must have made him feel slighted. I wouldn’t blame him if he decided right then and there to never do something nice for me again.
That’s what I would have done if he’d treated me that way. And worse.
Learn from me, friends. Respect his efforts and intentions. Save your questions and constructive criticism for later, and just say “thank you” when you get the chance.
Here are my final tips for how to make your husband fall in love with you:
Last fall I got tired of feeling lazy and tired, so I decided on a determined whim to take up running. Through research I found a local running group and told my husband I wanted to join. To my surprise, he showed interest in joining too, and we started running together 4 to 5 times a week.
It turned out to be as good for our marriage as it was for our health, because now we were spending 30 to 45 minutes together, just the two of us, almost every day. Sure, we spent a good chunk of that time unable to breathe, much less talk, but it was also time spent encouraging and spurring each other on. Having a common interest and a shared goal gave us something to talk about, something to bond over.
While you might not want to start running (this lazy girl doesn’t blame you!), find something to do with your husband that you both enjoy. Then make it a priority so it doesn’t fall under the “we don’t have time” excuse. You’ll see your relationship become strengthened as you spend that time together.
Touch him more.
Meet him at the door with a kiss. Put your hand on his arm when you’re in the car. Touch his back or his shoulder when you walk past him. Sit next to him on the couch when you watch Netflix.
Non-sexual physical touch has plenty of well-researched benefits.
• Touch builds trust. It creates feelings of reward, compassion, and love.
• Touch makes us feel safe. It soothes and even calms cardiovascular stress.
• Touch strengthens the immune system.
• Touch helps us feel like we’re a part of something bigger than ourselves, such as a team or family.
• Touch creates emotional intimacy.
Non-sexual touch between a husband and a wife can also lead to greater sexual intimacy. Touch leads to more touch, and a greater desire to be touched. If you’re dealing with a dwindling libido, begin touching your husband more often and see if it doesn’t help you want him more.
A marriage devoid of physical affection can begin to feel too much like a friendship, which is the exact opposite of what you want.
Touch more. Touch often.
Need a bit more encouragement to get your touch on? Watch this video on the benefits of cuddling:
Be happy with yourself.
Sometimes men become frustrated in a marriage when the wife’s whole life is wrapped up in him. He might feel overwhelmed by your need for attention, fulfillment, and affirmation. The expectation that he will be your “everything” is a daunting one, and he might begin to back off if it feels like too much.
The best thing you can do if that’s the case is find something you love to do – and then do it. Are you an animal person? Volunteer at your local animal shelter. Love people? Find out how you can help your local homeless shelter. If you love to write, start a blog. If you love to read, start a book club. If you love photography, take a class.
Pursuing a passion of your own will bring you satisfaction and fulfillment outside of your marriage and children. It will help you to feel validated and valuable to the world beyond your four walls. When you don’t need your husband to meet all of your emotional needs, it frees him to love you the way that comes naturally to him.
Besides, doing something without him creates a little mystery, and mystery is good for a marriage. One way to make your husband want you is to show him that he doesn’t know everything about you. Though you’re not doing it to intentionally manipulate him, it’s good for him to see your life as more than just him or your kids.
If you’re worried about how to make your husband love you again, rekindling his affection might seem like an intimidating prospect. But don’t despair! It might be difficult, but it’s not impossible. You know your husband better than anyone else. You know what he needs, what he likes, what he enjoys. Put that knowledge to work for you, and pursue the man you fell in love with. When you do, you’ll be gratified to see that he begins to pursue you back.
Have your own great advice? Leave it in the comments!