I’m very confused on what I should do. I would do anything and everything for him and he knows it. Even friends and family have tried to convince him that I’m “the one”. How do I get him to see that I am the woman for him?
Thank you reader for sharing your question. Today, I’ve enlisted the help of Rachelle Miller aka The Relationship Manager. She shares with us why men still date other women when they have a “girlfriend”, what men do when the woman in their life is priority, and what actions you should take when you find that your boyfriend prefers not to be exclusive. Check out my tips and strategies here, advanced attraction techniques.
I can certainly understand why you may feel frustrated or confused in this situation. I can only imagine how difficult this has been for you, which is why you must recognize that you are at a crossroad with him.
If you have been seeing each other for a couple of years, he has had ample time to know whether he wants to be exclusive with you. The fact that he has not decided to be exclusive with you, and prefers to see other people after all of this time, is evidence that he is not sure you are the right fit for him. A person who is not sure if they have found “the right one” tends to keep their options open in hopes of finding someone more ideal for them. In short, he may be searching for greener pastures.
On the other hand, your guy could simply be someone whose focus is not on a serious, monogamous relationship. At this time in his life, he may have other priorities such as a career, and may prefer to date for fun without the responsibility of a serious relationship. Whether he is exploring his options or is not in the mind-frame of a serious relationship, neither scenario is a good position to be in, and you would be well-advised to move on.
Additionally, if he is seeing other people, then you should see other people, too. In dating, it is not beneficial to be exclusive to someone who obviously is not exclusive to you. I would not recommend putting all of your hopes into this one guy who is dating other women and seems to have no immediate plans to be with only you. Remain open to dating other people and to other relational opportunities that may present themselves. Exclusivity in a relationship should be mutual, not one-sided.
I would also advise you not to always be readily available to him when he calls or wants to hang out. In a non-exclusive relationship, you do not want to convey that your life revolves around him or that you are waiting by the phone at his beck and call. You should have a full, productive life without him. A girl busy with her own life communicates that I am not “second choice- last-minute- take her for granted -old-standby” material. If he wants you, he must act.
Paying attention to his actions is key. Do his actions show that you are important to him and are a priority to him? Do his words and actions align? Is he saying “I love you”, “you’re so special to me”, or “you’re the only girl for me” yet his actions show differently? Words without corresponding action are empty. Based on what you have relayed in your question, I do not see the actions of a committed man.
The guy who is really into you will show it through action. He will consistently call you, will diligently try to get to know you, and will want to spend time with you. If you find yourself doing all the work, taking most of the initiative in maintaining your relationship, or doing nearly all of the calling and communicating, you have a guy that is probably not into you. It is mostly you taking action, not him.
So, in your relationship, does he have to expend any effort or energy to keep you in his life? Or do you give him everything regardless of the way he treats you? Though being willing to do anything for is a loving thing to do, he must show himself deserving of this level of affection. A guy who won’t even be exclusive with you is not deserving of this kind of self-sacrifice.
When it comes to his family, fitting in well is definitely a plus. However, his family liking you is not as important as him liking you. As nice as the family is towards you, you cannot officially join his family until he invites you into it through a committed relationship, usually marriage. Additionally, you do not want a guy who has to be convinced by friends or family to be with you. You want him to desire to be with you on his own. You need a guy who consistently offers you love by his own free will.
If a person does not miss you when you are apart for some time, this is a bad, bad sign. Chances are, when you two are apart, he is enjoying phone or face time with his other options. In a good relationship, when you are out of sight, you are not out of mind. A man who loves you will not want to go extended periods of time with no contact. He will miss you. He will not be nonchalant about being away from the lady he cares about. If you feel he could care less, pay very close attention to this feeling. It does not sound like you feel valued or important to him. And if you regularly feel this way, you may have to face the possibility that there is truth in your feelings. There is a strong likelihood that he does not care for you the way you want him to.
The bottom line is, you do not want to be in love with a guy who is confused about if he wants to be with you. You need clarity. When a guy is really into a girl, he will make his intentions clear. Until your boyfriend can give you clarity as to what he wants with you, he does not deserve much more of your time. The fact is, you cannot “make” him see you are the one for him. However, you can give him the space he needs to figure this out for himself.
In summary, make yourself less available to him and date other people. If he really wants you in his life he will exert the necessary effort and energy to make that happen. If he remains unclear with his intentions and wants to continue seeing other people, it is probably in your best interest to emotionally release this relationship and move forward with your life. In the future, endeavor to only get emotionally invested in a guy who feels you are worth his undivided attention.
Rachelle Miller, aka The Relationship Manager, is an experienced family attorney, minister, and passionate relationship educator. She has studied marital, pastoral, and women’s counseling and also holds degrees in law and journalism. Rachelle is a zealous advocate for families and enjoys empowering others in relationships.
Learn more about Rachelle Miller and excelling in your relationships here, Relationship Manager Blog.