I’m In Love With My Coworker!

Dear Robyn,

I have been in love with this guy at work for over 2 years. It started more like a crush but then turned into more. I tried to get his attention more by getting my male friend to hook us up.

The guy never made a move.

After some time a female friend of mine tried again for me. The guy sounded interested and my friend tried to give him my number but he refused and actually told my friend that he would get the number himself from me.

I waited and waited for him to make a move but to no avail.

He has consumed my thoughts like crazy. I feel like my life will never be complete without him. No matter how much I try to forget him I can’t because everytime I see him I start longing for him all over again.

I really can’t imagine myself with another guy. Everyday I wonder what it is that he doesn’t like about me. Am i fat? Am I boring? What is it about me? The attraction is there I can see it but he never even makes a move. I’m going crazy with waiting.

Do you think he is getting cold feet or is he just not interested at all?

Dear Roslyn,

If you are feeling this way about him, he most likely senses it. He knows that you like him intensely and that you want him to pursue you. But unfortunately it will be difficult for this to happen since you are giving off the desperate vibe.

Roslyn, the person who should be having the intense thoughts about having the opportunity to spend time with you should be him. And I believe if he had been feeling this way he would have asked you out by now.

If you haven’t had conversations with this man or spent time with him, you don’t know if you love him or not. And you have to be especially careful at work when meeting someone because they are on their “best behavior”.

You don’t get to see them at their worse or when they aren’t dressed up or trying to impress the boss.

Roslyn, I completely understand how you feel, but falling in love with someone you don’t really know is a road to destruction, because you spend so much time dreaming of your relationship together you lose out on time you could be spending with a guy who truly adores and appreciates you.

You are the object that should be pursued and wanted. You should not be thinking “How can I be good enough for him?” – but rather “I wonder if he can provide what I need in a relationship.”

When you switch your thinking to this you start to feel that he could be the one or maybe not. You don’t have a lot of mental energy invested in him.

You have to believe there are other men out there that would enjoy being with you if he doesn’t work out with the guy at work.

One thing I will tell you that is for sure, if he were interested he would ask for your number or ask you out.

You have been working together for two years so if he hasn’t drummed up enough nerve to ask you out by now, it’s probably better to move on.

You deserve more than falling in love with someone who has not even asked you out.

I would suggest flirting and dating other guys and slowly getting over this crush, although it may be difficult.

And who knows, once he sees that you have moved on and you’re not so desperate to be with him, his interest may change.

Roslyn, I wish you all the best. Check out my tips and strategies here, advanced attraction techniques.

Robyn Lee

My Guest Poster: Marvin Barrett

Marvin helps single women identify and avoid dating non-committal men and find their Mr. Right. He coaches women to identify the best places to meet the right men for them, read the signals men display when uncommitted and how to attract the right guy to approach them. Learn how to meet and find the right man for you.

What I want to know is how can you be IN LOVE with a guy for over 2 years who has never made a move on you or even demonstrated a level of interest in you?

Where did that love come from? How has it developed to this stage?

The mistake I find that many women make is that they confuse being in love with someone with being in love with the “idea” of being in love with that person. It’s a very subtle difference that most people don’t even realize, but it’s very deceptive.

It sounds like your crush has turned to infatuation simply because you haven’t got what you wanted. As people, we are often pulled towards the things we want but can’t quite have and this seems to be what’s driving what you’re feeling.

You’re placing way too much importance on this guy. Saying things like: “I feel like my life will never be complete without him” and “I really can’t imagine myself with another guy” is basically giving all your power away to a guy who hasn’t asked for it.

It’s also an act of dependence towards a man who hasn’t really proved his worth to you.

Also, there are a few assumptions in your question that you may want to test out.

What doesn’t he like about me? (How do you know he doesn’t like you, especially seeing that you said he sounded interested and the attraction is there?)

Am I fat? Am I boring? What is it about me? (These questions are you trying to justify his lack of response to your interest in him. These are destructive questions to be asking yourself.)

If you believe the attraction is there, then what’s stopping him from making the move?

I’m a believer that if a man wants to make a woman his woman he will.

He doesn’t need a second and third invitation to do so. I’m not convinced that this guy is interested in you in the same way that you are interested in him.

Sounded interested is another way of being polite and courteous.

He never took your number despite telling your friend that he’ll get it himself. He’s worked with you for over 2 years, I don’t know any guy who would wait 2 years to get a woman’s number who he was interested in.

Don’t allow yourself to be blinded by your own emotions.

I hear a lot of hope and desire in your words but it’s very likely that this guy isn’t worth your time or emotional investment.

Speaking from a male point of view, I can tell you, if a man knows and is aware of a woman’s interest in him but still doesn’t make a move, he isn’t interested, period.

And if at some point he does get involved with you, he’s not likely to be viewing it as a long-term relationship but more of a casual one.

Thank you so much Marvin for more great advice!

6 Comments

  • Charmaine

    Reply Reply October 31, 2011

    Spot on! It’s tough when you feel a connection to someone who doesn’t feel the same way about you. It’s hard, but move on we must. And I do mean truly move on, not the ‘I’ll show him’ move on technique that keeps you connected. He’ll never value who you are in that regard because he is simply not choosing you to be the one he wants to be loved by.

    • Robyn

      October 31, 2011

      Thanks for your comment Charmaine! I like how you said “And I do mean truly move on” – That’s another trap women can get caught in is playing games or trying to “show him”.

  • Joy

    Reply Reply November 4, 2011

    Right now I can relate to this topic because I have just fallen for someone at work. I just happened to sit by him 2 months ago and he initiated the contact. I am convinced he likes me because of certain cues…he often comes and sits by me or emails me and asks if he can sit by me. Also, he takes an interest in my life and tries to do me “favors.” I like him a lot, but try not to act too interested so that I don’t scare him off. I don’t want to push anything, because he just got out of a 3 year relationship. My fear is that he will never ask me out, because he knows he can always see me at work. Right now I am just flirting back and being friendly. Should I just continue this behavior and hope he asks me out eventually?

    • Robyn

      November 4, 2011

      Thanks for your comment Joy – Joy, you do want to wait for him to ask you out. Yes, it is tough when someone has other factors that might prevent them from asking you out like just getting out of a relationship, or being a commitment phobe, or being hurt in the past, but these should not be EXCUSES for him not to ask you out. So I would suggest giving it a time frame maybe a month or so for him to ask you out and then if it doesn’t happen, move on.
       
      But most importantly, you want to make sure you are flirting in the right way. Here are a few advanced flirting techniques from the From Flirting to Forever guide that many women just aren’t aware of:
       
      1. Make sure you are not competing with him in conversation. This is a tough one, because if you are knowledgable about a topic, you might feel that it is impressing him to tell him how much you know about it. But many times it is a turn off because you are exerting more of a masculine energy. Instead, get him talking more and more about himself. Ask him intelligent questions instead of trying to impress him with how much you know.
       
      2. Touch him during the conversation on his shoulder and arm. This should be done if you are responding to something he is saying. ex “You are so funny” or “That is such a good idea” Avoid touching him on his leg as this communicates something totally different.
       
      3. Avoid talking to him like he is one of your girlfriends. This is a huge turn off also, talking to him about personal stuff, ex “I’m gaining weight” or “My life sucks so much right now” will only push him farther away.
       
      Good luck Joy with your flirting:) -Robyn

    • Marvin

      November 4, 2011

      Hi Joy,
       
      Your situation is very common one, it reminds me of a situation when I used to work in the Civil Service. The emails, the subtle innuendos and flirting but both people are actually thinking the same (“I’m convinced he/she likes me) so wait until the other person makes a move.
       
      I agree with Robyn with the excellent flirting tips she has given you and I would use that to keep it interesting and see if he does make a move. If he doesn’t, I think you should ask him out instead :-)
       
      I know there is a debate around whether a woman should ask a man out and I say there isn’t anything wrong with it and if you sense the guy likes you then even moreso. Not every guy has the confidence to ask a woman out at work especially if he’s the last one out of you to walk through the door, he’s gonna feel his way into it and that period of time varies from man to man.
       
      You could ask him out directly or you could tease him and say something like: “do you usually take this long to ask a woman out?” obviously it depends on the level of rapport and comfort levels between but if you say it in a humorous way, it’s a “come on” sign to act upon any interest he has and you’ll know one way or the other where you stand but keep up the emails, flirt etc and just “flow” with it, only move on if it becomes boring or obvious that he isn’t responding to any of your flirting signals

  • Joy

    Reply Reply November 5, 2011

    Thanks for all the advice!

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