Two things that will cause good men to pull away after initially being interested:
You will appear needy to a man if you seem overly nervous or tense when you are in his presence, or alternatively if he feels that you are trying hard not to screw things up and are desperate for him to like you.
What these things tell a man is that the relationship means too much to you.
As a woman, you have probably been in the situation where you had the “Uh-oh” response to a guy who was obviously too into you, too early. This is exactly what I’m talking about here, but in reverse.
The appearance of being needy is often the outward manifestation of an inward condition, in which you feel lack in your life and need a man to come and rescue you (eg. by taking away your loneliness, making you happy and giving you security).
The thing is that you often don’t even have to verbalize this neediness as it can come out in your facial expressions, body language and actions (eg. as nervousness and desperation as I have just mentioned).
On the other hand, people who are not needy come across as a lot cooler. They seem more relaxed and less concerned as to whether things work out with a potential partner. They certainly don’t depend on this or any other relationship working out for them as they already have a good life and don’t need any other person to make them happy.
I have a saying that I’ve come up with, which is the following: “You are only ready for a relationship when you don’t need one.”
When you have no need in your life and come from a place primarily of giving and trying to enlarge another person (as a parent does with their child), you will appear very attractive. [But don’t make the crucial mistakes of giving in order to get or giving too much up front, otherwise things won’t go well for you.]
And if you find someone else who is coming from a similar place (don’t settle for anything less, otherwise you will end up being used by guys) with whom you have a lot of common beliefs, values and aspirations in life, this is the basis of a loving relationship that is going to last for many, many years.
This is because there are then two compatible people who are already complete and whole human beings, who are seeking only to give their unique gifts to each other and help the other person grow and live to their potential.
There will therefore be a healthy balance between giving and receiving, lots of love is likely to flow, and everyone will happy. The two people complement each other such that the whole is greater than the sum of the parts (ie. it is a win/win scenario).
However, people who are genuinely needy are a drain because they are usually trying to get a lot more than they actually give, and their needs are always paramount. And when these needs are consistently not met they will often blame their partner or act like a child (eg. have tantrums).
When you appear needy to a guy, he feels that if he develops a relationship with you, you will end up suffocating him in life. In other words, he thinks that instead of it being a win/win relationship it is will be a lose/win one – with him being the one to lose.
If you are feeling needy at the moment, the way to stop being needy is to work on your own self-esteem and take responsibility for your life. Make the decision to like who you are and create an amazing life for yourself that does not rely on having a man around to support you in any way.
The paradox of this is that once you don’t need a man in your life, men will invariably turn up from nowhere and offer you everything you could ever want. This is why people sometimes say that you are more likely to find someone when you’re not looking for anyone.
The second big thing that can make guys pull away is the woman appearing to have a strong agenda right from the get-go. This can take the form of things like marriage, children, living an extravagant lifestyle, or her being a very inflexible person (everything is “my way or the highway”).
For example, women who are ready to settle down and start a family as soon as possible can turn a lot of guys off.
This does not mean that most men never want to marry a woman and have kids – the majority of men do want to have a family. But they want to do when they’re ready, rather than feel pressured into it.
Furthermore, they don’t want to feel that they are being used. They want a woman to actually love them for who they are, not just what they can do for her (be a means to fulfill her agenda).
What a strong agenda means to a man is that he is going to forced to sacrifice his dreams and desires in life for what the woman wants. Obviously, this would not be too appealing.
In addition to this, men are far more attracted to women who are laidback and just want to have fun, which is a much more feminine way of viewing the world.
What I teach women is that one of the most effective ways to attract masculine men is by just being a feminine woman (since the feminine attracts the masculine and vice versa). [If you would like to learn more about being a feminine woman who is highly attractive to men, please check out my article, “How to Be Sexy” ]
But being goal-oriented (having an agenda) is a masculine way of operating, rather than a feminine one; and therefore it is not going to help you been seen as attractive to highly masculine men.
Okay, I understand that everything I’m saying here may sound a bit unfair, as though the man is forcing the woman to fit his agenda (while not allowing her to have one of her own).
But a better way to look at this is that for a mutually beneficial and fulfilling relationship to exist, both people need to get what they want out of it. [Ideally, there will be a lot of common wants if the man and woman are compatible with each other.]
Also, we must keep in mind that it is not romantic to approach the beginning of a relationship as though you are negotiating some business deal.
This applies to a man too; he should not be bringing a strong agenda to the table either – otherwise you’re probably going to be turned off him as well.
For example, when a man displays the clear agenda of only wanting to get laid, many women would end the relationship right there (and rightfully so).
[Incidentally, sleeping with a guy early on is also a big reason why men pull away after only a few dates. This is because either sex was all they wanted (they leave once they achieve that goal), or they don’t view you as special since you gave up the most intimate part of yourself too easily.]
Right, so my advice is to relax any strong agenda that you may have and focus more on being a fun person who has a lot to give a man. Even if for example you want a child and don’t have a lot time left, it is going to be counterproductive to push such an agenda hard – men are just going to run.
This of course doesn’t mean that you have to completely hide what you most want out of a relationship – there will be time to discuss the more important things a bit further down the track (without being pushy).
Putting It All Together
There are obviously a lot of similarities and crossover between neediness and presenting a strong agenda, as they both relate to having a focus on what you can get out of a relationship as opposed to what you can give.
The main difference between the two of them however is that neediness relates to needs and a strong agenda relates more to a person’s wants.
The bottom line though is that you don’t want to come across as trying to get too much from a relationship with a man, otherwise you will not appear so attractive and there is a very good chance he will pull away. It is far better to be seen more as a giver rather than a taker.
Therefore, I suggest that you work on developing a great life of your own which doesn’t depend on having a man around. And also when you are dating, learn to relax a bit more and just enjoy the process of meeting new guys without bringing too many expectations to the table.
Once you get to this place, you are then going to start hooking really great guys and will have the new problem of making a decision as to which one you like the most and want to continue seeing!
About our Guest Poster:
James is a dating and relationships author and coach who specializes in teaching women how to attract the man of their dreams, make him fall madly in love, and then keep him interested over the long haul. He runs a website Attract Men Easily which provides cutting-edge information on these topics.