Relationship Blackbook

Stronger Connections, Happier Relationships

Robyn Lee

He Hasn’t Asked Me Out

I’ve been talking with a guy for 4 months and we have yet to go out. I’m reading his actions and feel he’s lost interest or thinking about someone else. He says that’s not true but so far he’s not proving me wrong. Should I issue an ultimatum? Would it even make a difference? Why do guys do that?

First you have to decide whether you really want to go out. If you want a relationship where you actually go out than that’s what you have to move towards. If your relationship with him isn’t leading you in that direction, then you should focus on other men who will lead you in that direction. I’m not saying eliminate communication with him if you enjoy the conversations, but he shouldn’t be your “main squeeze”.

Ultimatums rarely work, with men or women. Instead you should tell him what you want. Not in a demanding or “you better do this” sort of way, but with a smile. If you see him face to face at times, look him in his eyes and smile and tell him you would like to go out. (This technique is highly effective, I use it all the time)

Don’t mention it again to him and don’t hold a grudge if he hasn’t asked you out by a certain time, just make what you want clear to him. If most of your communication is over the phone, smile, yes even if you are on the phone – people can hear smiles, then tell him that you would like for the two of you to go out together. Be prepared to have a couple of places in mind if he asks where you want to go.

Don’t get into a huge conversation about it. Just state your request and move on with your life. At this point it’s up to him whether he will ask you out. If he does, great! If he doesn’t, that’s great too! Now you know that he isn’t going to be able to provide that for you and you can move on to other men that will.

“Why do guys do that?”

All guys don’t do that. You’ve either set the stage for you being “the woman he doesn’t have to take out” or he’s the type of man that doesn’t go out. The first is most likely true since men will do things they don’t want to do when they know that is what it’s going to take to get the woman they want.

 

4 Page Letters And Other Attraction Myths

This past weekend I was hanging out with a male friend of mine and there was a song that started to play on the radio. It was one of the late songstress Aaliyah’s popular tunes, 4 Page Letter.

The lyrics never really stood out to me, especially when I was younger and used to sing along when it came on the radio.

But for some reason, this time I really paid attention to the lyrics and although I like this song, I realized that this was the worst relationship advice anyone could give to a woman.

If you are unfamiliar with the song, here are a few of the lyrics “I Always Had My Eyes, On This One Particular Guy – I Was Too Shy, So I Decided To Write – I’m Sending Him A Four Page Letter”

From this song, it sounds as if Aaliyah doesn’t even know the guy, but is going to spend her time and energy writing him a four page letter!

Alright, I understand that when you start writing sometimes it just flows. I’m a writer, I get that. Sometimes I have a hard time keeping my writings to you guys within a reasonable limit – because there is so much information to share. And it’s easier for me too, since I am typing.

But, this song was written in the 90’s and computer use wasn’t near as popular as it is now. So most likely Aaliyah was going to actually write (with pen and paper) this four page letter to this guy she didn’t know.

Hmmm….What’s wrong with four page letters?

Absolutely nothing, if it’s for a college application or a business proposal or even to write to get your child into a competitive private school. But to write a four page letter to a guy, it’s a little obsessive and a bit scary.

I turned to my guy friend and asked him, if he would like to receive a four page letter from a woman and he said it was a little bit too much and as I asked around, a lot of men just said it was a complete turn off.

Why Four Page Letters Unequivocally Don’t Work

If you’ve been following my lessons, you know that I you not to pursue men. This doesn’t mean that you never talk to men or never have male friendships. This means that you shouldn’t be laying all your cards out on the table and trying to convince him that you are the one.

Men love the chase and if you take that away from him, you have done him and yourself a great disservice. One of the worst feelings in the world is actually being successful at getting the guy that you chased, only to see him turn around and pursue another woman – shy guys do this too.

Most men know how to make the first move – if they’re interested. Let him do that. If you start out chasing a man you will have to continue it throughout the duration of the relationship.

Writing him a letter is just another way of pursuing, “Here I am, Pick Me”.

Let’s Look At the Expectations Here

When you write long letters you are most likely pouring out a lot of feelings and expectations, what you believe your relationship will look like.

These are just your thoughts! You don’t know if he will be the one you want or not, you don’t know him!

You are presenting to him a fairytale that it will be hard to live up to. This scares him. You’ve already placed him on a pedestal, worthy of a four page letter without really knowing him.

And if by a small, minute, mustard seed chance that he is interested in you from your letter, he will quickly fall from your graces because you will realize that he’s not perfect soon enough. And most likely you will be expecting him to show you the same level of interest you showed him.

Well What If I Do Know Him?

Still don’t do it, but this is for another blog post, another day.

Here’s What We Want

Intuitively we know we want the four page letter to come from him, because that would be so romantic, along with a dozen roses and chocolates.

Since women want these things, we make the huge mistake of believing that if we give these things to him, he will give us what we need in return. This is false.

Men are different from women!

Men love the chase. If you are effective at getting him to chase you while giving positive signals, his attraction will increase, and eventually he will do these things for you.

 

He’s With Her But He Say’s He Wants A Relationship With Me

I have had a crush on a man for many years now. We actually dated briefly some years ago, but things didn’t work out.

After our relationship, he got married, but we still remained friends. Things started to go downhill with his marriage and he told me that when he got his divorce that he wanted me in his life.

I got really excited because it was like a dream come true.

He did divorce his wife and now he is in another relationship (not with me) and claims that he is in love and is ready to remarry.

I have doubts about this relationship because he still calls me and talks about our attraction to each other and sends flirty text messages and asks for pictures of me.

He’s currently out of state on work and I want to do as much as I can to bring his heart closer to me before he comes back and into the arms of his new woman.

I’m thinking I should send a daily email to remind him how I feel about him, but I feel I’ve already done all I can.

What would you suggest I do?

Guest Poster: Marvin Barrett

Marvin helps single women identify and avoid dating non-committal men and find their Mr. Right. He coaches women to identify the best places to meet the right men for them, read the signals men display when uncommitted and how to attract the right guy to approach them. Learn how to meet and find the right man for you.

This man is testing you to the hill and if you can’t see that then you’re in big trouble.

He is basically seeing whether he could still have you if he wanted and you are playing right into his little trap.

I don’t want to invalidate the feelings you have for this man because what you feel is probably real and comes from a sincere place but I gotta tell ya…

Leave this situation alone or pay the price later.

I believe you’re probably worth more but you are selling yourself short here and I think this man probably doesn’t value you enough to want to marry you. He wants to marry some other woman but not you. So regardless of the doubts you have about him remarrying, he’s not made you his number one. Instead, he wants pictures and flirty messages, he sees you as fun.

Let’s break this down for a second.

1. You dated briefly in the past but didn’t work out. (Cool, no problem here, these things happen)

2. Then he got married and after problems in his marriage, he got divorced. (Again, not a major problem, unless his wife divorced him because he cheated!)

3. After his divorce he told you he wanted you in his life. (Whatever that means!!! Where’s the ring for you? BIG PROBLEM HERE.)

4. Then you get excited because he was available again and describe this as a dream come true (fair enough, it’s understandable, no problem)

5. Following his divorce, he gets into ANOTHER relationship (not with you, although he had the option to) and plans to REMARRY. (Put another ring on another woman’s finger despite he’s pledge that he wants you in his life. He may say he wants you in his life but he sure doesn’t want to marry you.)

Can you see the problem here?

This man isn’t serious about you in the way that you are about him. I want you to GET this because if you continue entertaining this man, you’re going to get hurt.

After his divorce, he could have got with you, after all, he said he wanted you in his life but his actions tell a complete different story – he’s marrying another woman but wants you to send him sexy pictures of you -if the alarm bells aren’t ringing right now, they should be.

You’re falling for the sweet words and flirty text and picture messaging. You’re falling in love with the idea of being in love and that’s not good.

This man is running game on you and you need to see it for what it is.

This man just told you he’s in love and plans to remarry but sends you flirty texts and requests pictures of you…and you really WANT that to be your man? It’s up to you.

You need to see yourself being worth more and more deserving than that. This guy will never see you in the way you deserve because if he did, he would be backing up his words with actions (i.e. remarrying with you, not another woman)

Two words…..move on.

 

How Do I Meet Men?

I am a very involved woman with a full life. I look around my local supermarkets, stores, my karate club and even the organization that I volunteer at, and the vast majority of men that I see are either much older than me (usually married) or teenagers. My work is also not a good place to look, as I am in a female dominated profession (teacher).

How can I meet more eligible men?

Guest Poster: Jaimy Blazynski

It is wonderful that you participate in many activities because being so active will make you far more appealing to men. If of course you can find these men. Meetup.com is one of the best sites going right now. You can put in your zip code and do a search for single’s groups. This is not internet dating but more groups you can join that will offer fun gatherings and outings. There may be a meet up group for singles who like the outdoors, or restaurant hopping singles, or perhaps just singles in their 20’s. Take a look and you will certainly meet many new people. And remember meeting new single friends in your age bracket is a great thing too. They are likely to have friends that you could meet. Have fun and keep a positive attitude. And just be careful that all of your activities don’t take up too much time. Because if finding love is a priority for you, then you need to be sure to make a little time for new friends.

About our Guest Poster: Jaimy Blazynski is CT’s very own Date Doctor. She started her own company got5minutes.com in 2005 and has been helping people find love ever since. You can hear her every Friday afternoon at 6:10 PM on 96.5 WTIC with Damon Scott. She can also be seen on Better CT at 3:00 PM on Fridays. Jaimy recently published her book, Crush-Lessons Learned Through a Lifetime of Crushes. In addition she and her husband produce and host The Date Doctor Show every Sunday evening at 8:30 p.m.. Jaimy has been giving dating advice to thousands over the years. Her mission is to help everyone find true love and have fun doing it. Her favorite piece of advice is…never settle! To learn more about Jaimy, get her book, catch her podcast or register for a singles event, visit www.got5minutes.com.

 

I Still Have Feelings For My Ex…But I Want To Move On

I have a problem. I have some feelings for my ex boyfriend but I realize that I don’t want to get back with my ex boyfriend because he is not the type of man I want. I want to be able to move on but I can’t find the right guy. I am tired of being single! What can I do to get in a new relationship?

Guest Poster: Jaimy Blazynski

You should never stay with a man that you are not happy with just because you want a relationship. I know this may not be what you want to hear but you need to start by liking and accepting who you are as a single woman. Otherwise you are going to keep grabbing for a man to make you feel better about yourself. Once you like yourself for who you are you will be much more desirable to men. And you will be far more likely to find a healthy relationship.

Get a hobby that is not all about finding a man! Pick up a sport, take a class, visit a craft store, go to the gym, etc…

Once you are in a good place to date you will find it so much easier to find love. Internet dating is my favorite as there are so many great singles on there. But many disagree and say there are only jerks on these dating sites. I will share a secret with you…The women who say there are jerks on the sites are the types of women who only attract the jerks! Perhaps they believe that is what they deserve, or this is most familiar to them. Do not be one of these women and you will find true love. But it all starts with loving you!!

About our Guest Poster: Jaimy Blazynski is CT’s very own Date Doctor. She started her own company got5minutes.com in 2005 and has been helping people find love ever since. You can hear her every Friday afternoon at 6:10 PM on 96.5 WTIC with Damon Scott. She can also be seen on Better CT at 3:00 PM on Fridays. Jaimy recently published her book, Crush-Lessons Learned Through a Lifetime of Crushes. In addition she and her husband produce and host The Date Doctor Show every Sunday evening at 8:30 p.m. Jaimy has been giving dating advice to thousands over the years. Her mission is to help everyone find true love and have fun doing it. Her favorite piece of advice is…never settle! To learn more about Jaimy, get her book, catch her podcast or register for a singles event.

 

Is Online Dating The Answer?

Have you ever considered finding love online?

Following is an interview I recently did with Jaimy Blazynski, The Date Doctor.

She is an advocate for online dating and actually met her husband on a popular dating site.

She explains how to do online dating the right way and why it may be advantageous to you.

You can find more information about Jaimy and her book CRUSH at www.got5minutes.com