Robyn Lee

There is nothing worse for a woman to be walking with her husband, only to have him turn and stare at another woman. I also wondered why my husband seemingly stares at other women until I found out the truth and learned what to do about it. 

Learn the reasons your man stares at other women and the difference of when he looks (versus stares) at them, and find solutions to this challenging problem right here.

Why Your Husband Looks At Other Women

The roving eye. Does it mean your husband is unfaithful or that he doesn’t love you anymore when your man looks at another woman? At first, I also believed that if my man had a head-turning reaction to another woman walking past, it meant he didn’t love me or that he was cheating on me. 

However, I would discover that things are not that simple. Life is more than 50 shades of gray. I discovered there was a difference between looking and staring when it came to my man and other women. 

At First Sight 

Have you ever walked in a mall and noticed an adorable leather jacket with a matching purse and shoes on display in a shop? Chances are you stop and look before you even know it. Right? As a woman, you are geared to look at something pretty when you see it. 

Men are exactly the same, except their focus is on women. Now, before you get ready to fling your high-heeled shoe at me, I do know that there shouldn’t be any difference. 

Since women won’t easily stop and stare at a good looking man when they are already attached, why should men stop and stare at a beautiful woman when they are standing right next to their partner?

Science has proven that men are indeed wired a little differently to women. They can’t resist the urge to look when they see a beautiful woman. Anything novel will instantly arouse their interests, causing their head-turning reaction. The real question is not that they look, but what they are thinking when they do look. 

Your Interpretations—Looking vs. Staring 

A single look, followed by your man looking back at you as if nothing happened is usually quite innocent. Chances are your husband merely noticed the other woman, appreciating her beauty on an almost subconscious level. Instinctively, he is turned on by the image of the woman, but this doesn’t mean he will act on it. A look is instinct, but what about a stare?

When your husband’s initial look is expanded into blatant staring, you have a more serious problem. While a look is innocent, a stare may hint at more serious intentions and fantasies. 

When A Stare Becomes An Affair 

Not all looks mean your husband is being unfaithful, and while it may hurt, you will usually be able to move past it. You are allowed to feel hurt when your husband looks at other women, but this doesn’t always signal infidelity. 

So, how do you know when a stare becomes an affair? Here are some signs you may want to take notice of:

• Not looking back at you when he’s been staring at other women could indicate a guilty conscience. Chances are he is already fantasizing being with the other woman. 
• A general disinterest in you. A man who stares with the intention to pursue other greener pastures will not be able to spend quality time with you. What begins with a stare may end with him losing all interest in you over time. The novelty has worn off, and not only does he notice other women, he is actively seeking that contact.
• Realizing his roving eye has been noticed, an unfaithful man may try not to spend time in public with you. This could be because he feels guilty or that he doesn’t want to explain himself and has no interest in controlling his instincts.
• You may notice a change in his behavior and appearance. If he suddenly starts grooming himself more than usual and starts to make comments about your appearance, his roving eye has moved into comparison mode, and he is intentionally comparing you to other women.

What To Do When Your Man Looks At Another Woman 

There are many opinions on whether a woman should just ignore or blatantly accuse her husband’s roving eye. What is clear is that a woman will have an emotional reaction when she catches her husband looking or staring at other women. 

The real question is whether or not you should say something or suspect the worst of your husband.

Action Plan For Your Husband’s Looking Around

If your husband is looking at other women, but he quickly looks back, seems not to notice he has done it, and has not engaged in any of the possible signs of an affair listed earlier, you can follow this action plan:

Talk To Him

Tell your husband how you feel when he looks at other women and you are right there. Make him aware that it is emotionally hurtful to you, but don’t accuse him of being unfaithful. Men tend to see accusations as a form of attack, and in this case, their logical mind is overridden by instinct, and you’ll end up having a fight that will not see you win. 

Start Looking Too

Far from a jealousy thing, start looking at the same woman he looks at too. If he has turned to look at a woman with some visual attributes, you may spice things up by telling him you also think she’s hot. This may surprise him, but more importantly, it will include you in the moment. 

If you are really open in your communication, you may find this can become a fun way to connect to each other. Likewise, he may start pointing out things you look at. While women aren’t as inclined to look at other men, he may start trying to think like you, which will go miles towards developing empathy. What could have been a potentially threatening situation can become a way to bond more and build similar interests and understanding.

Appeal To His Emotiveness

While you may feel your husband has the emotional depth of a soapdish, you may be unnecessarily harsh to him. 

If you take the time to explain to him that you feel like he is comparing you, that his looking makes you feel like you aren’t enough, and that his inattentiveness when other women are around makes you feel insecure, you may be able to get your point across to him.  

Remind Him

Chances are your husband doesn’t even know he is looking at other women when he does it. Remember, it is instinctive to him. Like a primitive caveman who has looked at a potential mate, he may not know he has offended you. The cavewoman didn’t have  issues with sharing her mate, so genetically, your man may have been conditioned to do this for the sake of breeding for the clan. 

Gently remind your man he has been looking a little too much at the other woman. This will allow logic to assert itself in his mind. You will also feel better for having mentioned that he is acting rudely toward you. Holding the resentment in will only lead to further anger and feelings of being unvalued. 

Keep An Eye On Him

Don’t become paranoid, but keep an eye on him. If your husband’s looking becomes roving, and you notice his staring has a little too much intensity to it, you should be aware of the instinctual part of his mind becoming more assertive. This is your warning sign to have a more serious conversation with him. 

You will need to seek conscious action on his part to refrain from his instinctual behavior. If you say nothing and do nothing, you run the risk of him acting out on those instincts. This is especially true when the woman your husband looks at is a colleague or someone he has regular contact with. 

Know The Difference Between Lust And Sexual Attraction

Men tend to be more sexually activated than women. This means they will receive some sexual pleasure from seeing a beautiful or sexually attractive woman. 

However, this does not mean he will definitely act on it. Instead, become aware of the difference between sexual attraction (getting excited by a sexy woman) and lust (doing something about it).

What To Do When Looking Becomes Staring

The ship may already have sailed for your relationship. Intent staring may be a prelude to something other than instinct. 

You have been weighed by his mind, and possibly found wanting. At this point, you need to talk intently with your husband. Make him aware that while you know he doesn’t always look with any ill intent, his looking has become staring, and you are aware of his potential to stray. 

Discuss if there are reasons for him to be unhappy in your marriage, making sure to open lines of communication with him. Be sure to do the following:

State Your Observations Logically

Getting emotionally worked up will solve nothing here. Chances are that your husband is not really aware of how close to the edge of infidelity he has strayed. Be sure to point out factual moments and events where you caught him staring. 

Create Boundaries And Set Conditions

You want your husband to respect you, and while you may want to prove you are better than the other woman, this is not a contest between you and her. Rather, this is about your husband not respecting you enough for some reason. 

Make it clear to your husband that you won’t accept certain behavior from him, like him being unfaithful. This is essential to refresh his logical and mental control mechanisms and ensure he doesn’t have any gray areas in your relationship that may encourage him towards being unfaithful. 

Set boundaries like not allowing him to work late if he has been staring at his female colleagues. Clearly, you don’t want him to be in a position where he can potentially be tempted. 

Open the lines of communication in your relationship. You need to become a presence in his mind, not a harping or nagging presence, but still be on his mind so he remembers he is already in a relationship and not up for fooling around.

Be Real

Don’t go all military and become the eyeball police. Your man is human, and he will have moments when he will trip himself up. 

Real love says, “I know I am on your mind most of the time, and while you may be tempted, we can work on you not straying.” Immature and unrealistic love says, “I see you staring! You are already undressing her in your mind, and this is the end of the relationship. I can’t be with you since you will obviously be unfaithful.”

If you are looking for “perfect,” try the mirror and see if you find it there. We are all human, and when we offer an accepting and supportive home environment to each other, we increase the chance that our partner will trust us and not actually stray.

Why Does My Husband Stare At Other Women And Other Questions? 

What Does It Mean When Your Husband Looks At Another Woman?

While it may be instinct for your husband to look at other women, you are entitled not to approve of this kind of behavior. 

Looking may not mean he is being unfaithful, he could simply be having a moment ruled by the primitive side of his brain. However, if it goes unchecked, and if your husband is already unsatisfied in your relationship, looking can become staring and lead to infidelity. 

How Do You Tell If Your Husband Is Attracted To Another Woman?

Physical or instinctual attraction is not really what leads to infidelity in most relationships. Rather, men become attracted and act on this when they are unhappy or feel unsatisfied in their marriages. 

Signs your husband is about to become unfaithful or is overly attracted to another woman may include:

• Stalking behavior where he trolls that particular woman’s social media pages.
• He may engage in fantasies and start watching porno.
• He can’t talk to you, but he seeks out conversation topics with the other woman.

What Is Micro-Cheating?

Whenever your partner stares at, talks more about, or engages more frequently with someone than is socially and emotionally acceptable, they are micro-cheating. Essentially, they are being unfaithful to you, but without the sexual component, though their cheating may graduate to include sexual cheating too.

What Do You Do When Your Husband Looks At Another Woman?

Start by openly talking to your husband about his roving eyes. When he knows that you know and have seen him looking, the chances of you heading off any follow through of infidelity increases. Communication will help you discover if your husband has reason to cheat beyond merely noticing a pretty woman.

Why Do Men Look At Other Women?

The act of looking at a beautiful woman triggers a sense of satisfaction due to the emotional and chemical reaction that happens in the brain. This makes men feel good, which is due to the release of endorphins and serotonin levels increasing. As a result, the behavior is captured in the brain as being positive, which reinforces and forms the habit. 

When Your Husband Looks At Another Woman, What Is He Thinking?

Chances are that when your husband looks at a random woman in public, he has noticed she is beautiful. She may also present a novel appearance that caught his eye. If he can’t stop looking and starts staring, there may be warning signs for your relationship. 

How Do I Stop Him From Looking At Other Girls?

Try these tips:

• Confront him for looking around. Ask him if he is looking for a new wife or if he is considering cheating on you.
• Don’t become jealous. It’s not about you.
• Don’t compare yourself to the other woman.
• Appeal to his reason. Would he like it if you stared at other men? Get him to see things from your point of view.

A Final Look 

Your husband may look at other women and really not mean to offend or hurt you at all. Be mindful of this kind of behavior escalating to staring, which may hint at him entering that gray area of micro-cheating. You are worth being faithful to, so be sure to remind him of that. 

Staring at other women should set off some warning bells in your mind. Your husband’s attention may have become captivated, and his staring may be due to his needs not being met, which can lead to unfaithfulness. 

When your man looks at another woman, you need to remind him how this makes you feel, but when he stares at another woman, especially one he works with, you should take action to ensure your marriage doesn’t pay the price. 

Has your husband been staring at other women? How do you notice when his looking turns to staring, and what did you do about it? Please share your experience in the comments below. 

A marriage is a partnership between two people, but when there is less marital bliss than you would like, it can feel like one partner is the designated driver. 

I’ve often wondered about how to save a marriage when only one is trying. Does “I do” mean you do it alone? Can a marriage survive with only one partner trying, or is it even worth saving when both partners are no longer committed to creating an “us?” Let’s find out …

Your Relationship And Why You Are Still Trying To Save It

If you believe in fairytales, you would expect a perfect white picket fence life with 2.3 kids and a dream job too, but you aren’t a kid, and Santa has long since stopped bringing you presents. 

With both feet in reality, you may find yourself facing an ugly truth: you and your partner’s “us” have turned into a solo voyage as you end up being like ships passing in the night.

So, why would you still bother trying? Well, obviously, you have a history together. Any time there is a history, there is bound to be good times too. You remember those times, and you have built something together. Like the captain going down with the ship, you want to try till the last.  

There may be children, a life together, and social pressures to make your relationship work. Certainly, nobody likes to be a quitter, but what about when your union becomes a “state of one?” 

Your Problems And Saving Your Marriage 

All couples have problems, but whether these problems contribute to your marriage being on the rocks or not is up to your own ability to take action. Inaction or inertia is what eventually kills a marriage.

You should be able to look at the problems you and your partner experience in your marriage and decide whether they are actionable or not. If they are chronic problems that have always been there, you can decide whether you can live with them or not. 

Should you experience acute problems that happen over night, such as sudden drinking or spending habits, you need to decide what action YOU can take to deal with these challenges. Saving your marriage is about knowing what is happening, what is hurting, and what is worth fixing. 

What Is Happening?

There are always things in any marriage that go awry. This is normal. It’s when things suddenly change, and your marriage is no longer chugging along nicely that you need to pay attention. The sudden late night phone calls, aggressive spending, and avoidant behavior that happens when you’re not looking is what kills a marriage.

When you are trying to save your marriage alone, you need to know what you are up against. Are you noticing sudden changes, or have you finally just had enough of behavior that has always existed? 

What Is Hurting?

The things you’ve always shut your eyes at that have always been there can become a festering wound. By knowing what is hurting you, the power to make a change becomes yours. 

Has your partner always been avoidant and unable to express their feelings, but you now become hurt by their inability to support you in an emotionally challenging situation? What can you do about it? 

Learning how to fix your marriage alone may be about acceptance more than change. So, the shift is that you accept what you can’t change, and you learn the wisdom to know what you can. Like the Serenity Prayer, you can feel like you are working towards sustaining your relationship by accepting some things won’t change.

What Is Worth Fixing?

When you see that something can change, you should go for it with all the skill you can muster. There are some things that are worth fixing in a relationship, like communication, affection, care, honesty, and reciprocity. 

Why You’d Want Your Marriage To Work 

While you’re probably feeling like you’re the only one steering your marriage towards shallow water, while the ship is sinking, you may be surprised to learn your partner may be suffering too. What if while you are feeling like you are trying to save the marriage alone, your partner is feeling the same way?

Without communication and sharing, you may not have any real indication of your partner’s feelings or fully understand their actions at all. However, you have already built a foundation in your time together, and there is something there to save and fight for. 

At one stage, you and your partner did have a sense of love for each other, and you both invested in making each other’s lives better and richer with a shared knowing. 

The “whys” are the reasons for wanting to save your marriage:

• Why you loved each other in the first place
• Why you chose to stay together so long
• Why your partner has expanded your life
• Why you have sacrificed for them to succeed
• Why you still see them in your future

Techniques To Fix Your Marriage Alone 

In wanting to know how to save your marriage alone, you may consider these techniques to bring you and your partner closer together and remind both of you just why you said “I do.”

Stop Saying Yes, Start Saying No

Chances are you have been agreeing to everything, trying to people-please your partner, but maybe it’s time to say no. By starting to stand up for yourself, putting your foot down on what matters to you, it may encourage your partner to see you for who you are, respect you more, and rebuild your failing relationship.  

Hold On To Yourself, Stop Clinging To Them 

Put yourself first. Stop relegating your needs to the backburner and focus on what you need in the relationship. 

Your partner was attracted to who you were when you met, so focus on yourself, and you will be able to win them over again. If nothing else, you will be able to build a strong relationship with yourself. Nobody likes or is attracted to someone who is needy. Don’t look to them to make you happy, and your relationship will improve when you stop clinging to them. 

Your neediness may have been stifling them, so give them the freedom to be who they are and value that person. You can only do this once you have created a satisfied spirit inside yourself by meeting your own needs. This is how you take the pressure off them, and they will notice, returning to you. 

Be Truthful And Stop Manipulating 

In an attempt to get what you want, you may be engaging in manipulative behavior, even if it’s geared towards saving your marriage. Don’t make the mistake of believing this will save it. 

Manipulation always causes more problems than bringing solutions to a relationship. Stop manipulating and start being honest and truthful with your partner. There is a certain charm to truthfulness that will win you affection and respect; manipulation will lead to resentment.

Set A Time Limit 

While you really want to save your marriage, your first step should be to get the other person to offer some commitment, with the easiest way to get this being to offer a time limit. 

When your partner wants to leave, ask them to try again for a few weeks or work at it as a New Year’s Resolution. People are more inclined to give their effort and cooperation when they know there’s a limit.

Quit Emotional Blackmailing

Are you negotiating in your marriage for the other person’s affection? Perhaps you are giving sex or money or gifts in exchange for their supposed loyalty? 

Stop emotionally blackmailing them and yourself. This kind of behavior ultimately leads to resentment and the end of a relationship. Become truthful to yourself and meet your own needs so you don’t have to convince the other person to be your savior. 

All In Or All Out

You can’t fight for success if you don’t have both feet in the race. If you have one foot out the door, the other person will notice, and they will not fight for the relationship either. 

You are either all in or all out. Give yourself that respect to decide whether you will fight for your relationship or have the courage to end it instead. 

Stop Talking, Start Listening 

Have you been the one doing all the talking and begging? Perhaps it’s time to stop and start listening. Maybe your partner has been trying to communicate, but you are so busy talking to them, you haven’t heard them. Many of a couple’s difficulties can be resolved when they start listening to each other.  

Listening also means you start seeing the other person and understanding what they are going through instead of only seeing your side of things. Shift your perspective, and perhaps you will find your marital difficulties aren’t about you at all (which may be why you haven’t been able to fix it).

Friends, Not Lovers

Do you even like your partner? A marriage starts with a relationship where you like someone and become friends with them, and finally that friendship becomes more. Maybe you need to take a step back and become friends, not lovers. This might improve your communication and help you find connection again.

Do Your Opposite 

If your marriage is in trouble and you feel like you are the only one working at it, chances are there is something you have been doing that is not working. 

So, instead of trying to fight harder, stop and do the opposite. If you have been happily seeing to your husband’s needs, stop and let him sort himself out for a change. Perhaps your attempts to save the marriage have been ruining it instead.

Take a step back and reevaluate your union. Perhaps you have been creating a problem with your behavior and actions. The only way to spot that is to do the opposite of your usual habits for a change. 

Start Dating

Marriages often fail because of the spark having dimmed a long time ago. Start dating your partner, and more importantly, take yourself on a date too. Invest in you. Take care of your needs so you can begin to shine again, and the chances are pretty good your partner will see you with new eyes. 

Put the spark back with romantic evenings out, lazy morning cuddling, and rainy afternoons with only each other for company. Dating is how you get over hating each other.

Change What You Look At 

Refocus your attention to see the good things in your marriage. If you are focused on the errors and all the failures, you will only see those. Your partner is perhaps absent a lot due to work, so you end up only seeing their absence, and in the end, you only focus on their absence from any part of your relationship. 

Yet, if you focus on what they do well, such as always providing financially, you may realize how fortunate you are, how hard they work, and how much they love you.

Get Help

With your face up to a painting, all you see is a blur. The same holds true for a relationship and its problems. If you feel like you are the only one working at saving your marriage, you may need to get an outside perspective to help you. 

By using a counselor or therapist, you may realize you are not the only one working at the relationship. Their perspective on things may help you reach new realizations, and this process may draw you closer to your partner. 

Stop Being Unrealistic

Lastly, consider you may not be real in your marriage and expectations of a relationship either. We are often misguided in how we think romance and love works due to the cinematic versions we are exposed to. 

Life is rarely like the movies, so you need to stop being unrealistic and really see your partner for who they are. After all, you are not the “perfect” partner either. You are human, your partner is human, and this means you are both flawed. Question is: can you and your flaws accept them and their flaws?

Oddly, once you let go of an idealized version of what your marriage should be, you may find something even better right before your eyes.

How To Save A Marriage When Only You Are Trying FAQS

Can A Marriage Be Saved If Only One Person Wants To?

Ultimately, you are in a partnership, which means two people. You can work to the point where your partner is also motivated to save your marriage, but on your own, there is little chance of the marriage working. It takes two to make it work. 

When Trying To Save Your Marriage, How Long Before You Should Quit?

If you see there is no improvement and no chance at a successful partnership, you should consider ending it when you lose all hope. If you are considering a separation, the length of time encouraged is four to six weeks, so you and the other person can learn what life is like without each other.

What Do You Need For A Successful Marriage?

There are a number of elements that will ensure a successful and mutually inclusive marriage:

• Communication 
• Value
• Commitment 
• Respect 
• Intimacy

How Can I Save My Marriage Alone?

In addition the tips discussed above, you can also try the following:

• Stop talking exclusively about your marriage problems. (There are things that do work.)
• Give up on blaming your partner. You are equally involved, so you probably contribute to the problem too.
• You should be working on your marriage, not working on your partner. Their flaws are not why your marriage is failing. Being hypercritical will only damage your relationship.

What Are The Signs My Marriage Is In Trouble And That I Should Start Saving It?

Look for the warning signs like:

• Constant criticism
• Lack of intimacy
• Too much or not enough arguing 
• Secrets 
• A lack of respect

Final Thoughts 

A marriage is a complicated structure between two people who start off being attracted to each other, but over time, that attraction can turn to dissatisfaction. Before long, there is only one person trying to keep the deck of cards in the air. 

If you find yourself in this situation, you need to decide whether you are all in or all out and stick to the decision to save your marriage or give up. There can be no half-measures, so dive in, throw your best effort at this, and be smart enough to try different techniques to influence and motivate your partner to help you work at saving your “us.”

Have you been in a situation where you felt like you were the only one working to save your marriage? What did you do to get things on track? 

Share your story in our social feed, and help give someone else the hope and fortitude to fight on for the person they love.

I have never met a perfect couple. Even partners that make it look easy face constant challenges. And what I have come to realize is that working together is a constant in every strong marriage. In learning how to deal with a selfish husband, this is the mindset you need to adopt.

Ignoring this issue is not the best idea. Tolerating it isn’t either. In fact, doing the latter could lead to feelings of resentment. Over time, you will come to resent your husband for not valuing you as a companion. Are you not good enough? 

Here comes the worst part: Your partner’s lack of appreciation will leave you riddled with self-doubt. So, does this mean you have to pull the plug on your marriage? Is everything lost?

No, you don’t have to end your relationship. Thankfully, I cover everything you need to deal with a selfish spouse. I cover everything from the signs of a selfish hubby to real-world solutions to this problem. 

Here we go. 

Signs Of A Selfish Husband

Maybe you are not completely sure if your husband is selfish. Probably because he is not selfish round-the-clock. I know the feeling. One minute he is dependable, the next he’s left you hanging. Here’s how you know for real he is selfish. 

He Is A Control Freak

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t expect your husband to agree with you on everything. That would be weird. But even when you are both not seeing eye to eye on an issue, he should be open to the idea of a compromise. If your man insists on ‘being the man’ in every situation, then it’s a sure sign he is selfish. 

I get it, people play different roles in a relationship. But, the worst thing your husband can do is suppress your individuality by forcing you to do things his way. 

He Repeatedly Lectures You

There’s a chance you have tried talking to your partner about his negative habits. How he reacts will tell you a lot about his character. If he is genuinely apologetic, then it’s because he was not aware he was being selfish. But if I am being honest, things rarely go this well when dealing with a selfish partner. 

Since he can’t admit when he is wrong, he will go on the defensive. Instead of coming to terms with his bad behavior, he will lecture you while focussing on your shortcomings. In no time, you will be the topic of discussion, and not in a good way. It can be maddening, trying to reason with such a person. 

But wait, there’s more. A selfish hubby might make you question your sanity. I am serious! 

He will deny culpability every time you confront him on something you aren’t comfortable with. This is a form of emotional blackmail. Instead of trying to work on his issues, your husband will hold you to ransom by constantly reminding you of your own flaws. 

He Is Never Wrong

Is your husband always right? It’s okay to have a strong point of view, but it takes courage to admit when you are wrong. But there’s more. A selfish partner will have a very negative attitude. He might also be highly critical of your actions. 

These are all signs of a selfish personality. While it’s normal to argue and fight in a relationship, a selfish spouse will never extend the olive branch once things settle down. 

Of course, there are times when you will have to reach out after an argument. But if you find you are the one always making amends, then be on your guard. You could be dealing with a narcissist. It’s impossible for a husband who is selfish to think how his actions are affecting you and your loved ones. 

He will never apologize. This shows he doesn’t feel accountable for his actions. 

I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. If your husband does something to offend you, then he should apologize. It’s that simple. Otherwise, it proves that he is caught up in himself and his interests. 

It’s His Way Or The Highway

Does your husband refuse to compromise on his decisions regardless of your situation? Does he insist you follow strict and limiting rules? If yes, then your husband is a selfish individual. 

Listen, your partner should value your opinion. After all, you have unique experiences that might contribute to the discussion. 

A selfish lover will constantly shoot you down. As you can imagine, this will negatively affect your well-being and self-confidence over time. If your man does this, it’s a sign that he’s trying to mask his own insecurities. Be wary of such behavior. Give him an inch, and he will take a mile. 

If you notice this behavior, you should put your foot down as early as possible. If not, your husband will continue asserting his needs over yours. 

In my experience, lack of compromise in a relationship leads to resentment. Your husband should understand that you have a say in your marriage as well. It’s true that your spouse can make suggestions and provide guidance in difficult times. But, you should have the final say on decisions that matter to you. 

He Tries To Control Your Finances

It’s totally fine if you choose to take your husband’s advice regarding your finances. But even if this is the case, he should respect that you have the final say when it comes to your money. 

Now, a selfish partner doesn’t have to directly have to interfere with your finances. By constantly criticizing and ridiculing your financial choices, a selfish partner is laying the seeds for self-doubt. 

Look, you work hard for your money. Unless you allow him to, your husband has no business dictating how you should use it. Let him mind his expenditure. If you choose to have a joint account together, then you should both have a say in the budget. 

Reasons For Your Husband’s Selfish Nature

Knowing a selfish hubby and what to do to fix the situation is great. Also equally important is finding out why he is so selfish in the first place. Is it his upbringing or is your man simply incapable of putting anyone above his needs? Let’s find out.

Career Woes

It’s not surprising for a marriage to lose momentum after a long period of time. This is perfectly normal. But when this is combined with a stressful job, it increases the risk of your husband becoming self-centered. He is more likely to become more demanding and nit-picky during this time.

My advice? Take action as soon as possible. If you don’t put your foot down, then this behavior will become permanent. Keep him in check when he starts making unrealistic demands. 

Make him understand that even though his job is difficult, it doesn’t give him the excuse to ignore you and your family members and also disregard your feelings.

Cultural Influences

Now, you should be tolerant of your husband’s culture. But, if you feel some of his values make him selfish, then it’s time you did something about it. It’s simple. Men are not superior to women, especially in a relationship setting. 

Finding out more about your husband’s culture will help you better understand his mindset. Thankfully, this means he might not be aware of his selfish acts. So you will have an easier time reasoning with him. The last thing a loving husband wants to do is to make you uncomfortable and miserable. 

After all, you can’t fault him for his cultural background, especially if he is willing to correct his habits. 

Childhood Experiences

What kind of childhood did your husband have? Finding out will help you a lot as you learn how to deal with a hubby who is selfish. As you know, your childhood plays a significant part in character development. 

Your husband’s upbringing could be the sole reason he is self-centered. For example, if your partner is the only child, it could be that he grew up without having to share anything. As you can imagine, he will find it difficult to put your needs first. 

On the flip side, growing up in a large family might fuel the flames of selfishness as well. If there wasn’t enough for everyone, then hoarding resources will come naturally to him. So, is such behavior hardwired into your husband? 

Not really. Of course, changing his habits will be a challenging feat, but it is possible. I am getting ahead of myself. I’ll tell you more about what to do when your spouse is selfish.

Birth Of A Child

Now, I know what you are thinking: Isn’t a new child supposed to be a bundle of joy? While this is the case for most couples, there is a chance your husband might feel ignored. 

Not all men have natural paternal instincts. You know what it’s like at the birth of a child. All your attention will be focussed on your newborn. 

Unless your husband is emotionally mature, he will take offense at this. As a selfish partner, he will demand your attention at all times, throwing a tantrum if you don’t comply. Some cases can quickly deteriorate to a point where he will refuse to help you with your child. 

Inferiority Complex

Your hubby might have deep-seated issues that develop into a narcissistic personality over time. Unfortunately, you will be his emotional punching bag if you aren’t careful. Does your husband constantly berate you? Does he insist that women are not supposed to have ambitious career plans? If so, then your partner has an inferiority complex. 

I know, dealing with this kind of issue can be frustrating. However, there is a chance you can save your marriage. Be upfront with him about his actions. 

While it’s natural for him to be adamant at first, he will come around if he values your union. Don’t be afraid to seek professional help if you feel it’s necessary. Talking to a therapist might help your husband overcome his inner struggles.  

Next, let’s now look at how to deal with a selfish partner

How To Deal With A Very Selfish Husband

Living with a selfish husband sucks. I know. Especially if he wasn’t always this way. Thankfully, there are steps you can take to handle this. Read on to find out how to deal with a selfish spouse.

Get Back To Your Roots

Have you sacrificed your individuality for your relationship? Selfish partners will always take from you, it’s never enough. Before you know it, you will be a husk of your former self. My advice? 

Get back to your roots. Remind yourself what it is like to put your interests first for a change. Trust me, this change in attitude is what you need. 

Do you have a hobby you would like to pick up? Go for it. Are you thinking of starting an online business? Then jump in with both feet. My point is, you have a lot of options. 

Guess what?

Your absence will serve as a dose of reality for your husband. He will realize you do have a life outside your marriage. Once he realizes his actions are the reason you have pulled away, he is more likely to correct his ways. Now, this approach might seem harsh, but it’s the only way to maintain your mental well-being. 

Spending less time in the presence of a selfish hubby gives you more time to focus on your interests.

Never Complain

Complaining is not a good idea. Even science agrees with this. If your husband feels attacked, he won’t listen to what you have to say. I know, this is a lot to ask, especially if your spouse is getting on your nerves. Complaining will only push him further into his shell. 

But, calmly discussing why his actions are straining your marriage will make him think more about his behavior.

Let Your Expectations Be Known

Compromise is important in relationships. But letting your husband know about your expectations of him will ensure your needs are met as well. Your selfish lover doesn’t expect you to be assertive. He counts on the fact that you will do what he says to avoid a confrontation. Here is an example. 

Let’s say your husband promised to drop you off at work. At the last minute, he changes his mind for no reason, insisting you take a cab. You should not let this slide

; let him know that his selfish decision will disrupt your plans as well. 

Word of advice. It’s important you don’t budge when asserting yourself. A selfish partner will try every tactic in the book to make you drop your demands, from pleading with you to bringing up past mistakes. Stick to your guns; don’t let him steamroll you with unrealistic demands. 

Make Yourself Heard

Your silence is what enables your partner to keep on going with his selfish antics. Also, your spouse will assume you are okay with his behavior. Speaking up puts your husband on notice. He won’t be able to justify his selfish behavior anymore. Remember to maintain your calm when you are addressing him. 

Going in guns blazing is not a good idea. Not only will your partner get his guard up. There is a high chance you will end up fighting. 

Get To The Root Of The Problem

Is your husband truly selfish? While it’s easy to pile the blame at his feet, there’s a chance you are contributing to the problem as well. Keep in mind that relationships are a two-way street. Have you considered that your hubby could be reacting to your own habits? 

Now while this might be hard for you to accept, it will help you find a sustainable solution to the problem. 

There’s a chance you might both find getting over your differences difficult. Working with a professional is the best way to go in this case. An expert will help you both sort your mixed-up emotions. Over time, you will be able to narrow down the root cause of your husband’s selfishness. 

Make A Decision

The sad thing is, some people never change. You might want the best for your husband but there’s little you can do if he is stuck in his ways. If this is the case, then it’s time for you to make a decision to determine the fate of your union. If your hubby truly loves you, then he will make an effort and change his selfish ways.

After all, someone who loves you will not want to see you miserable. But if your partner refuses to change, then maybe it’s time for you to strike out on your own. 

Final Thoughts

I believe that by now, you are completely sure if your spouse is selfish. The key point to remember is that a selfish husband only cares about themselves and their needs. It doesn’t bother them that their actions could be hurting you. 

If this is a person you truly love, take your time to understand where he is coming from. Once you do, try the solutions above on what to do when your husband is selfish. It is not guaranteed that they will fix your marriage, but it is worth a try. All the best!

“Going with the flow” in your relationship is fine for the most part. But integrating healthy rules that only serve to strengthen your love life can’t be a bad thing, right? So, what is the 80-20 rule in marriage, and why should you care? 

Well, buckle up, you are in for a ride.

In 1906, Italian philosopher Vilfredo Federico Pareto came up with the Pareto Principle. He discovered that 80% of his country’s wealth was owned by 20% of the population. He also realized that 80% of productive output can be attributed to 20% effort. 

But make no mistake, the 80-20 rule is not limited to the economic field. This concept can be adapted to almost any situation with resounding success. 

In Japan, the Hara Hachi Bu philosophy states that people should only eat until they are 80% full. Some researchers maintain that that is part of the reason why Japanese people live longer than the average person. 

Count on this revolutionary concept to drastically improve your relationship as well. The 80-20 principle is all about minimum effort for maximum results. As you are about to realize, 20% of what you do in your relationship will account for 80% of the outcomes. Here’s how:

Attitude Is Everything

Don’t we all cherish that heady, love-struck period of a relationship when everything runs like clockwork? It is as if nothing can go wrong. Just pure bliss! 

I would give anything to remain in this state of effortless cohesion with my partner. I bet you would do too. But as you know by now, reality likes to crash a good party. Since you can’t escape the demands of being an adult, applying the 80-20 rule in your relationship ensures balance. 

Begin by working on your attitude. I’m serious! Attitude can turn any ordeal into an adventure. Your relationship or marriage will mostly be shaped by the attitude you have towards obstacles.

Life will constantly throw challenges in the way of your relationship. It’s nothing new. Your attitude will determine whether you will fast overcome the obstacles in your way or sulk and wallow in misery. 

Let’s be honest, the “perfect relationship” doesn’t exist. Even couples that make it look easy have to put in work. And that includes having the right attitude in life. Starting developing that new positive attitude today.

Clear The Clutter Within

We all have baggage. There’s no escaping this fact. Your actions today are heavily influenced by past experiences. While good experiences will bring out the best of you, focussing on traumatic events has the opposite effect. This is where the 80-20 rule comes into effect. 

It allows you to focus most of what you have on growing your partner. This is what real love is all about: selflessness.

Finding sustainable solutions to your inner struggles will help you better connect with your partner. Instead of focussing on unrealistic expectations, you will learn to embrace your relationship with all its imperfections. By lowering your expectations and raising your standards, you will find that events of the past no longer have power over you.

Overcoming your inner struggles is not as hard as you think. All you have to do is make a commitment. It may be challenging. But the price is well worth it. Over time, you will be able to better support your partner when they go through a rough patch. 

Generally, you can use the 80 20 principle for relationships as a tool to better support your partner. By focusing on your partner’s well-being, you get to strengthen your relationship in the process. 

Of course, solely focussing on the needs of your partner may not be a good idea. You should set some time apart for yourself and focus on your needs as well. After all, embracing your partner’s flaws is only possible after you have vanquished your inner demons

Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder

I know, you love spending time with your partner. But, did you know that unless you set some time apart for yourself, your relationship will deteriorate as a result? It’s true. 

You might both grow tired of each other’s company, or worse, your partner will find your presence suffocating. The fact is, we are individuals, and it is a good idea to remind yourself of this every once in a while.

Guess what? The relationship 80-20 rule can be adapted in this case as well. Let me explain. 

One way to maintain a long-lasting marriage or relationship is by making sure your partner is growing together with you. Solely focusing on yourself is not a good idea, and here’s why. 

For starters, it’s outright selfish. Leaving your partner’s needs by the roadside is setting yourself up for a break-up or, worse, divorce. It’s simple, you can either grow together as a team or grow apart as individuals. 

On the flip side, focussing all of your time on nurturing your partner is not a good idea. Remember, you will never be able to fulfill all of your partner’s needs. Using the relationship 80-20 rule, you should set aside a respectable chunk of your time for your own pursuits. 

Think of it as your get-out-of-jail card. You get to focus on yourself and do whatever you want, within reason of course. 

Spending too much time with your significant other will desensitize you. The result? You will forget the worth of your union over time. More often, this is a major reason why people end up cheating or in an unhappy marriage. You will have no one to blame when your relationship or marriage fails as a result of your actions or inactions. 

Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder

Setting apart some time for yourself is not selfish. Think of it as hitting the refresh button on your relationship. Every once in a while, you get to go on a self-discovery journey, nurturing your individual needs. The big question is, how can you get the most out of your time during this period? 

The truth is, it’s completely up to you. It actually all depends on what you want for yourself. For example, you can focus on a hobby if personal growth is your objective. Focussing your time on growing your skillset makes more sense if you want to grow professionally. 

Also, spending your time relaxing is perfectly fine. In fact, I advise you to do this more often. As mentioned earlier, the 80-20 principle in relationships is all about minimum effort for maximum results. Letting your hair down every once in a while will work wonders for your love life. Feasting on your favorite junk food while binge-watching your show is a good example. Of course, remember not to take it overboard. 

Trust me, you will cherish your partner more if you apply this concept to your relationship. Not only will you have more experiences to share, but you will be reminded of the value of your relationship as well. 

Meet Your Partner Halfway

At the risk of sounding dramatic, it’s you and your partner against the world. Now, I don’t mean that in a combative way. But if you can’t move as a cohesive unit, then your relationship is doomed to fail. 

At the end of the day, no one is perfect. People who make this realization early on are able to develop a high level of emotional maturity. 

Despite one’s background or upbringing, one factor is constant in our lives: We are all struggling with something. Your struggles could be related to your career or personal life. 

Here’s where it gets tricky. It’s easy to focus on yourself and leave your partner to their own devices. After all, you have to take care of yourself first, right? 

The problem with approaching your relationship with this mentality is that you will forever be unsatisfied with your partner. Unrealistic expectations are often a sign of a lack of emotional maturity in a relationship. 

You can avoid this using the 80-20 rule in relationships. By uplifting your partner, you get to learn a lot about yourself in the process. 

For starters, you will learn to better handle heavy issues that would otherwise tax you emotionally. In addition to this, you will better empathize with your partner as you help them through their own personal struggles. Meeting your partner halfway will obviously allow you to strengthen your relationship and grow as an individual. 

Ignoring the need for this could have grave consequences. By focusing solely on your needs, you push your worst attributes to the forefront: greed and selfishness. In no time, you will want everything to revolve around you. Your partner and your relationship will take a back seat as you prioritize your needs. 

Now, there’s one problem with such an approach. Your need for adoration will become insatiable. You will never feel satisfied with your life if your main point of focus is your ego. The result? 

You will end up pushing everyone who loves you away. The sad part is that you won’t realize the damage you are causing until it’s too late. 

But by applying the 80-20 principle in your relationship, you can give more and take less. Offer your support without expecting anything in return. It’s the only way to love unconditionally. 

Benefits Of The 80-20 Rule

Back to our earlier question: What is the 80-20 rule in marriage? Well, my hope is that you have at least grasped the basics. Let’s now find out how applying this rule in your marriage will benefit your love life and strengthen your union.

Appreciating Your Partner More

Set aside time to evaluate your perspective on relationships. Are you putting your focus where it should be? Do you truly appreciate your spouse?

Use the 80-20 rule to gauge your perspective on relationships. Find out where you have been placing more and less of your focus. It’s easy for you to say you have a wife whom you love very much. But do you truly appreciate her as a human being? Are you able to see her without shining the marriage spotlight?

Your ideal partner should be your best friend before anything else. Only then can you be able to share a mutual sense of appreciation for one another. 

A Refreshing Perspective On Relationships

Nowadays, many of us insist on “equality” in everything. We want a 50-50 relationship, where each person only gives 50% of themselves. However, this can completely destroy your relationship or marriage. In reality, you cannot play it safe in such a union. 

In fact, it would be very unreasonable to believe you will always be able to do your half and expect the same from your partner. Relationships do not work like that. It is a two-way street! 

Both of you have to be willing to work together for the good of the relationship. Apply the 80-20 principle in your relationship, where you not only do your part but go the extra mile to take care of your partner’s well-being. This will, in turn, strengthen the relationship.

It Will Be Easier To Accommodate Your Spouse’s Strengths And Weaknesses 

Another bigger problem with 50-50 relationships is expecting too much from each other. It becomes more of a contract arrangement than an actual relationship. You should be careful as this can really harm your connection with your spouse in the long term. 

You’ll soon find out that applying the 80-20 rule can be beneficial to your marriage. When you expect your spouse to meet her 50% portion, you’re not giving your relationship sufficient room to grow. 

I find it a whole lot easier to deal with the 20% now and reap the full rewards of the 80% forever. In this case, I’m more interested in finding out what my partner’s strengths and weaknesses are. I can then make room for all that she is. This makes your relationship more fulfilling, especially from your spouse’s point of view. 

Focusing On The Bigger Picture

A word to the wise. When you’re married or in a relationship, you cannot afford to take every small issue into account. Having petty tendencies can really damage your connection with your spouse. It’s one of the main reasons you should always rely on the 80-20 rulep. 

Over time, I’ve seen and actually experienced the benefits of focusing on the bigger picture. Don’t get me wrong. It’s good to work out the small issues before they become big ones! However, don’t hang around too long. Let your spouse know this as well. 

Your partner will love you even more if you shrug off small issues and always look ahead. Don’t just focus on finances or building a house in the next few years. Focus on your spouse as the bigger picture. Everything else will fall into place. 

Building A Strong Foundation For Your Relationship

The most important fact behind the 80-20 rule in marriage is the solid base it gives your relationship. If you hope to survive the turbulent nature of relationships, you need a rock-solid foundation. 

What better way to cement your connection with your spouse than establishing strong building blocks! Interestingly, all you need to do that is within the 20%. Starting small and working your way up is a guaranteed way of spotting any cracks and fixing them. 

It Makes It Easier To Find Someone That Completes You

If you’re active in the dating scene, you’ll agree with me that heartaches and heartbreaks are commonplace. But this is not good news. You don’t want to carry bad relationship practices all the way to your marriage. 

While surviving broken relationships is a sure way of making you stronger and wiser, there’s only so much your heart can take. One valuable lesson I got out of all that misery is to always apply the 80-20 principle. 

When you don’t enter a relationship with unrealistic expectations, it’s easier to find your better half. If you do not do that, you will always fail in relationships.

No More Senseless Fights And Arguments 

Relationships are not immune to drama. But you can easily avoid the worst of it by applying the 80-20 rule. 

For example, meeting your partner halfway, as mentioned earlier, will help you to empathize with their situations. You will have a better understanding of where they are coming from. With you and your partner on the same page, it’s hard to start unnecessary fights and arguments. 

Final Thoughts

In summary, the 80-20 rule is the key to a successful marriage or relationship. It is the one concept you can always count on to produce the best results, regardless of how and where you use it. Make it your goal to identify the 20% that you should always prioritize. Hopefully, you have gathered enough tips from this guide to get you started on the right foot. 

All the best!