Well, it’s finally happening. Cupid has really done it this time. After all the false starts and failed relationships, you have met Mr. Right. But there is one question that keeps hounding you: how long to date before marriage?
What’s the point of waiting? Especially if you are in love with someone. Why not just get it over with as soon as you can?
Well, it’s not this black and white. The truth is, couples that date longer before marriage have lower chances of filing for divorce. For example, couples that date for at least four years before tying the knot lower their divorce rate to 40%!
So what is the reason behind this? It’s simple; just think of marriage as a battle. It’s you and your partner against everything that would break your union. In this context, dating is like a sparring session, getting ready for the real thing. Maintaining a strong relationship while dating drastically increases the longevity of your marriage.
So how long should you wait to tie the knot? As long as it takes. I know, dating for a long period is not a walk in the park. But remember, the more you sweat in practice, the less you will bleed in battle.
If you want to find out more on this sensitive issue (of course you do!), then read on.
Why Date Longer Before Marriage?
Check out these convincing reasons why you should take your time before tying the knot.
Get To Know Your Partner Inside Out
Be honest. How well do you really know your man? Well enough to spend the rest of your life with him? If the answer isn’t a definitive yes, then you should hold off on marriage for a while longer.
I know what you are thinking: your love for him is strong. But who is he exactly? One thing you have to accept is that we all have modular personalities. This means that what you see now isn’t necessarily what you’ll get down the road.
Use yourself as an example. In the first stages of meeting someone, you want to impress. Do you let them know everything about you? Unless you are the world’s most open woman, I doubt you will.
Instead, you are going to do what most of us do: put your best foot forward while holding your cards to the chest. And there is nothing wrong with this approach. It’s natural to want your special someone to see only your best self.
So what’s stopping your partner from doing the same exact thing? Nothing at all. This is why you have to play the long game when it comes to dating. The more time you spend with him, the more you can learn about him.
It’s hard not to see the reasoning behind this. Like yourself, your partner has a complex personality. It will take a while before you can truly know him. Anyone who tells you otherwise is taking you for a ride.
Marriage isn’t child’s play, it’s a serious partnership. For it to work, you have to fully understand the kind of person you plan on spending the rest of your life together with.
Now, how long should you wait to get married? I believe “long enough” is the word you may be looking for, based on this factor.
Marriage Isn’t A Magic Pill
Have you ever been in a long-term relationship? If not, let me burst your bubble. Maintaining it is hard work. Of course, you already know this if you have ever been in one.
And guess what, it doesn’t get easier. Marriage is a whole other ball game. I know, this isn’t the news you want to hear. It’s like a punch to the gut, especially if you thought marriage is bliss.
It’s not.
Here’s the thing. When things get worse while you are dating someone, you can check out at any time. No one is stopping you and you don’t have that much to lose anyway. This isn’t the case when it comes to marriage.
Yes, you can get a divorce but it’s not as straightforward as it seems on paper. The process is complex and strenuous. What’s more, the psychological turmoil you will go through might leave you jaded and emotionally drained.
Where am I going with this? Well, here’s my point: you should deeply evaluate your reasons for getting married. If you are doing it in the hopes that it will magically transform your relationship, just don’t go ahead with it.
We all love keeping scores, after all. It’s how we measure progress. The problem is approaching marriage as the ‘next level’ for your relationship.
Take me at my word. There is nothing but disappointment and disillusionment down that road. Marriage isn’t a level you need to get to fix an unstable relationship. Marriage is a state of being, it happens long before you even say ‘I do’.
Think about that. What does a wedding ceremony really change? It’s nothing but a formality. Once the pomp and fanfare die down, you will be back to reality.
If you had a strong relationship before tying the knot, then it will be business as usual. Nothing will faze either of you. After all, you took the time to learn the ropes while you were dating. Past victories during tough times will light your way when things get dark, and believe me, things will get dark.
But if you had fundamental problems you never addressed, then I am sorry to say your marriage will be nothing but a sham. It won’t survive the hits and jabs that life will definitely throw your way.
So, how long should you date before getting married? As long as you can. Don’t rush it; you have all the time in the world to get it right.
Experience Is The Best Teacher
Can you ride a bike? You probably can. How did you learn?
I doubt you just jumped on and cycled away like a pro. First, you had to use trainer wheels. When those came off, you had your share of painful falls and ugly bruises before you could balance properly.
But you didn’t give up; you took it all within your stride. In time, you were able to ride your bike without even thinking about it. What can you take away from this?
Experience is the best teacher you will ever have. The bottom line is that you can only learn through experience. All the advice in the world is useless if you don’t go through something first hand. How does this apply to marriage?
Well, a committed, long-term relationship is the closest thing to a marriage. In fact, you can argue that marriage is only a formality after you have been with someone long enough.
Look, committing your life to someone is not a joke. How can you make such a monumental decision without knowing your partner in and out? The answer is you shouldn’t, at least if you want your marriage to stand the test of time.
Remember when I mentioned having modular personalities? It’s why you should take your time getting to know your man before tying the knot.
The longer you stay together, the more experiences you will both share. What are his expectations from life? Does he share the same values you do? Can you count on him when a crisis arises? Does he want a family? Is he good with money? You get the idea.
Like you, your partner has many layers making up his personality. Is he like a sweet cake? Where every layer is nothing but sweetness. Or is he like an onion? Where every layer you pull back just makes you cry.
The only way you can find out is through shared experiences. As I said earlier, a long-term and committed relationship will get you prepared for the real thing.
If you are wondering how long you should wait before getting married, the answer is long enough to see your partner at his best and at his lowest.
Realistic Expectations
Quick question, how happy do you think your marriage will be? I am pretty sure you’re hoping it will be a blast. After all, optimism doesn’t hurt. But the reality is, we can’t predict the future.
Hoping for the best is fine, but you have to learn how to gauge your expectations. How can you expect a great marriage with your partner if your relationship is going to the dogs? The truth is, you can’t.
Life is what you make of it. Wishing the future will be better is pointless if you aren’t improving your current situation. The same applies to marriage. If you want a great marriage with someone you love, then you have to work on your relationship.
This is why dating for a short time before marriage isn’t a good idea.
I won’t lie, the first phases of a relationship where you are heady in love are awesome. But as you know, things won’t stay this way for long. As I said, we put our best foot forward during this period.
What’s more, you will likely ignore blatant red flags since you are deep in the love sauce. What happens if you get married during this phase? You’ll end up setting unrealistic expectations for your union.
The problem is that once the honeymoon phase comes to an end, you will end up feeling short-changed. However, this isn’t the case at all if you have dated someone long enough. You know that relationships peak and dip every once in a while.
Experiencing this with your partner will prepare you for the roller coaster ride that is married life. Instead of throwing a tantrum when things hit rock bottom, you will roll up your sleeves and face the challenge head-on.
Instead of getting lost in the moment when things are going great, you will make preparations for a rainy day.
Ask any expert how long do people date before getting married, and they are likely to use this point as an example to illustrate that long enough is better.
Dating your partner for a sufficient period of time will teach you perseverance and ground your expectations.
You will better understand that for you to have a blissful marriage, you have to constantly nurture and fight for your relationship.
Individual Growth
Focussing on your man is easy when you are thinking of tying the knot. But take a second to ask yourself, are you ready for marriage?
We live in a time when divorce rates are going through the roof. This shows two things. One, most people aren’t ready for marriage. Two, our society doesn’t take marriage seriously anymore.
Call me old-fashioned, but I miss the days when the terms ‘through thick and thin’ and ‘for better or for worse’ actually had meaning.
Divorce isn’t a new concept; it has been around for a long time. I will admit that the law made it difficult to get a divorce, and the idea was frowned on by society at large. But dissolving a marriage was not impossible.
I know that comparing past marriages and modern ones is a dead end. But one thing remains the same in both scenarios: emotional maturity and individual growth are ever-present in lasting marriages.
Hear me out. Life won’t play out as you want it to. This is a sad but true reality. People you love and care for deeply will fall short of your expectations at some point.
Accepting such hard facts is what separates a child from an adult. Taking disappointments and hardship in your stride is part of growing up. Only by reflecting on such moments can you mature into a better version of yourself and reach your potential.
So what does this have to do with long-term relationships before marriage?
Everything!
How can you learn how to compromise if you have never disagreed on serious issues with your partner? What happens when he won’t come to your side of the road? Do you feed your ego by sticking to your guns? Or do you come up with a solution that ensures you both meet halfway?
How will you react if your partner loses his job or falls sick? Do you have the perseverance and grit to hold everything together through raging storms and during dark times? Can you find it in your heart to forgive him for a grievous mistake? Can you overcome the crushing disappointment of dealing with infidelity or addiction?
The truth is, you can’t answer these questions if you have only been with someone for a short period of time. Committing to a long-term relationship and sticking through the hard times is what true love is all about.
Now, here’s a quick question based on this point: How long do you wait to get married? Your guess is as good as mine but a reasonably long time is a good start!
The phase where you are both romantically in love is great. It serves its purposes. But a marriage based on such a relationship won’t survive when misfortune comes knocking.
As mentioned earlier, marriage is a state of being. Like a plant, you sow the seed when you first meet someone you want to be with. You nurture your love by both working on your relationship and personality.
Sticking together and finding solutions through hard times ensures that your union grows ever strong. Like a tree with deep roots and a hardy trunk, you won’t be uprooted when the winds of misfortune blow your way.
Back to the earlier question on how long to date before marriage, you can clearly see that the longer you take, the better it is for both of you.
FAQs
How long is too long before marriage?
Just how long should you date before marriage? Well, it all depends on you.
Do you feel ready for such a commitment? If you do, then by all means go for it. However, you have to be honest with yourself and consider your partner as well.
Look, true love more often comes around only once in your life. Jumping into a marriage half-baked will end in disaster. You will lose someone you truly loved just because you couldn’t wait.
On the other hand, time waits for no man. Waiting around for your partner to propose is not a good idea, especially if you have been together for long enough and marriage is a priority for you. If you feel you have waited long enough, then raise the issue with your partner.
It might not be romantic, but it will clear the air. You will get his perspective and understand whether marriage is in his/her plans or not.
Does the length of courtship guarantee a lasting marriage?
Not necessarily. It does increase the chances that your marriage will last, but it’s not a given. It all depends on how well you both work as a team.
There are couples who get married after six months and guess what? They have the most successful marriages of our times.
At the end of the day, all that matters is how much your relationship and marriage means to the both of you.
Final Thoughts
So how long should you date before marriage? Well, as long as it takes for you to understand the burden and responsibility that comes with committing your life to another. Hopefully, all these points have helped things into perspective for you. All the best as you go through this phase of your life.
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