Maintaining a marriage isn’t easy during the best of times, but there may come a point where you should learn how to recognize that your marriage is over. This is not only to help you know when it’s time to walk away but also how to spot those last chances of making it work.
Learn 15 ways of knowing your marriage is over and find out how to save it.
Happy “I Dos”
Oh, how we celebrate when we learn about someone is planning on getting married. It seems to be the most blissful state a couple can enter … but what about when it’s not? In the U.S., 40-50% of marriages end in divorce.
While there are a range of couples counseling services available through community centers, psychologists, and registered counselors, things don’t always work out for a marriage, and divorce may be the only realistic outcome.
Why Would You Want To Keep Your Marriage Going?
Reasons for wanting to save your marriage may include not wanting to be a single parent or not wanting to separate children from their father or mother. It may be too complicated to know how to tell when your marriage is over.
Divorce is still an ugly word in social circles. We want the picture perfect wedding and marriage, and when that doesn’t happen, we are ashamed and want to hide it from people. Question is: are these the right reasons to fight for your marriage?
Why Would You Want To End Your Marriage?
So, when do you know your marriage is over?
It’s not like making a pizza and oven dings when the pizza is ready. A marriage isn’t about simply mixing the right ingredients together and magically making matrimonial bliss. You may find that the relationship no longer meets your needs, that you don’t feel satisfied, or there may be abuse or infidelity that prompts you to end your marriage.
Whether you choose to end your marriage or your partner asks for divorce, you should be wary of the signs that your “I do” has become an “I don’t.”
When I Do Becomes I Don’t
Marriages go through tough times, but there are a few signs that are surefire indicators your marriage is heading for the rocks or has already crashed. Each of the following situations also comes with a suggestion for how to save your marriage when you see these signs appear.
1. You Fight Non-Stop
Being in a relationship where there is constant verbal conflict is damaging to your self-esteem and your relationship with your partner. Fighting, raising voices, screaming, and name calling are all signs of respect being lost.
Losing respect for your partner or them losing respect for you is a sign that you aren’t going in the same direction anymore. It’s a clear sign for knowing your marriage is over.
Saving a marriage from bickering is difficult, and outside mediation may be necessary as you will both have to be retrained to show respect for each other.
2. You Don’t Fight At All
Confused? Don’t be. The absence of fighting may mean you couldn’t care less about the other person. After all, fighting requires an energy investment, but when you don’t fight, you don’t want to waste even a drop of energy on the other person. They no longer matter to you.
A relationship requires energy to keep it going. This is what creates connection and puts the “relate” into relationship.
Saving your marriage from energy loss means you need to spice things up. Go away together, take up a new hobby, and begin to share energies again.
3. Communication Dies
When you stop communicating, you can be assured the marriage is about to end. As soon as people couldn’t be bothered to share news, you have found a way to tell when their marriage is over. After all, when you start dating, you can’t wait to share stuff with your partner, so when that dies out, your marriage is soon to follow suit.
Learn how to communicate better by attending a couples therapy course, or agree to both make a conscious commitment to share and care before you give up and end the marriage.
4. Your “Us” Becomes You Versus Me
A marriage is a partnership, a team, and when you stop doing things as an “us,” you no longer play on the same side. You have become opponents. This can definitely lead to signs that our marriage may possibly be over.
If you feel your partner is intentionally opposing you just to have things their way, your partnership is in trouble. This can be exasperated when you have kids, who may manipulate this situation to get what they want.
Talk openly about how you feel antagonism from your partner. If they are willing to discuss their thinking, you have a shot at recovering your marriage.
5. When You See Him Or Her, You Feel Tired
Seeing your loved one should lead to a lightening of spirit. After all, you are in life together and should support and uplift each other. However, if you see your spouse pull into the driveway at the end of the day and the first thing you think is, oh, so they’re home, you should start paying attention. Your marriage is failing faster than your own energy levels are being depleted.
This can expand to include feeling tired each time they speak, finding fault with what they say, and not being interested in their point of view anymore.
Find what exactly it is about their presence that is draining your energy. If it is that they are constantly arguing with you or that they demand time you don’t have, then you can discuss the specifics with them to try to reach some accommodation.
6. Politeness Becomes Your Way
One surefire way to end a relationship is when both partners become excessively polite. There may be no actual conflict, but there’s a feeling of being held back by your own Treaty of Versailles. People may be surprised when your marriage does end, and they may say, “But they were always so polite to each other.”
But that’s exactly the problem: You are no longer in love but rather just maintaining civil relations. A stiff politeness is how you know when your marriage is over. A marriage is about feeling, about being real.
Set time aside each day to really talk to each other about how your day has been. Don’t fall into polite conversation; really open up about how you feel, what you experienced, and ask for feedback from each other.
7. You’re Married To Critical Carl Or Carla
When couples have lost the affection to accept one another, you may find you and your partner have become hypercritical of each other. Nobody likes to be married to critical Carl or Carla, who simply disapproves of every single thing you do. This turns your marriage into a space that isn’t as warm and supportive as it should be.
Challenge criticisms. If you or your partner has a critical remark, then you need to qualify it, being held accountable for times when you are unsupportive of each other.
8. You Don’t See Them In Your Future
If you picture your partner as not featuring in your life, you know your marriage is ending. In a healthy marriage, you see yourself growing old with your partner, but when you see yourself and your kids in the future but not your husband or wife, you know you are already emotionally distancing yourself from your partner.
Your relationship is already one of divorce; it’s just you’ve gone through a divorce of emotions, and the official marriage’s end will follow.
There is not much you can do to change your relationship’s fate when you have already begun removing the other person from your feelings. So, ask yourself why you don’t see your partner in your future and also discover how you see them in your present. If there’s something worth saving, then go for it.
9. Abuse
When a relationship turns abusive, it is valid grounds for ending the marriage. A marriage is built on mutual respect, but someone who hits you or abuses you in other ways has no respect for you, and you have lost all respect for them. It is virtually impossible to save such a marriage as you will always wonder if they still respect you or when they will hit you again.
The same goes for emotional abuse too. If your partner has not been above board since you got married or if you realize they are emotionally abusive, you can and should end your marriage. When there is abuse of any kind, there is a lack of love and trust. You deserve better.
There really isn’t much you can do about an abusive relationship. This is something your partner needs to figure out for themselves. Don’t put up with fake apologies; if it’s right that you move on, do so.
10. Your Marriage Is Sexless
Having your libido decline is natural with aging, but if there is no sexual intimacy in an intimate relationship like a marriage, you will find your bonds quickly growing brittle. Sex isn’t everything, but the physical intimacy of sharing your body with your partner is a powerful force in a marriage. It is a statement of trust and fidelity.
When you stop sharing physical intimacy, your relationship loses a lot of its shine. Your partner and you will both wonder if something is wrong, but there will also be a breakdown in communication, so talking about it may not be possible.
This is not to say you need to go out and get your kicks elsewhere. Instead, it is about being comfortable enough with your partner to discuss any issues you may both have in the sexual arena.
It’s amazing what communicating about your sexual needs can do for a relationship. While sex can’t help save your marriage, being open and inviting can help both your sex and marital life.
11. Addictions
Sadly, many people have a third partner in their marriage: addiction. Being married to an addict is not only hurtful and stressful, but it can also be difficult not to join them on the addiction bandwagon. Should you notice your partner has a substance abuse problem or other form of addiction, you may need to consider leaving them for good or until they can get help.
Addiction means your partner has one lover in their mind, meaning the substance they are addicted to. You will always be in second place. Don’t let your love for your partner reduce you to that state. You deserve better, and if you are wondering how to know when a marriage is over, this is a sure indicator.
Dealing with addictions requires professional intervention and personal commitment to change. If your partner isn’t up for that, no matter how much you love them, you should consider leaving.
12. You Don’t Recognize Yourself Anymore
When you take a long, hard look at yourself and your life, do you still recognize yourself? It is really easy to start losing perspective in a relationship or marriage and giving up on who you are.
If you feel you have compromised on your morals, that you have lost your life spark, or that you are just an extension of your partner and not a whole person anymore, then it’s time to get out.
Marriage is about two people joining together, not about one person absorbing the other. To be clear: when one person absorbs the other into their life, they are displaying all the traits of a parasite.
It is normal to change slightly in a relationship, but you can’t become your partner’s shadow. You are a whole person all by yourself, too. That “you” is who your partner fell in love with, so if you begin copying them, you will no longer be the person they wanted to marry.
Keep a journal, write about how you feel, what your wants or needs are, and how you will be developing yourself within your relationship. Attending couples or individual counseling will also help.
13. There Aren’t Two To Tango
One way when you know your marriage is over is when there is no longer a spark of energies. You want to go to the beach, but your partner wants to go to the mall. While they want to go to a friend’s barbeque, you want to stay home and snuggle.
If you no longer have similar interests and no sharing of interests or negotiation on who gets to choose, then you have lost the tango. You are out of step, and this is seen quite clearly when one partner wants to go for counseling and the other refuses. A marriage takes two people to work at it.
Find shared activities you are both interested in to rebuild your couple’s energy. Take up a hobby together, compete against other couples to build a team spirit, and begin consciously seeing each other’s better qualities.
14. Something Is Wrong And Neither Of You Know What
Perhaps you both admit that something is wrong, but you just don’t know what. There are the usual indicators of an unhappy marriage, like a lack of communication, fading intimacy, and less respect, but you both just don’t know what is wrong.
This can be a sign that you have grown too far apart to really care enough to get back on track. The last ties of the marriage that may be holding you together may be tenuous at best. This is often seen where a couple stays together for the “sake of their kids.”
You may be blaming each other, both refusing to hear each other out, or arguing about what is really wrong in your marriage. Either way, this is an unhealthy state in which to live, and it will negatively affect all parties to the marriage, including your children.
Sometimes you need an outside perspective to help you track down the root cause of your marital disharmony. So, couples counseling with a trained therapist may be a great way to save your marriage by discovering what’s wrong and working to fix it.
15. Therapy Is A Bust
One of the last signs your marriage is on the rocks is that you have been to therapy and it’s changed nothing. When both of you have tried resolving your conflicts, but you have made no headway, you may have to consider that your marriage isn’t meant to last.
Moving apart is painful, but there are some people who are better friends than lovers, and for them, marriage may not be the best idea. You may find that once you have divorced amicably, you can remain friends with your former partner, creating a healthier environment for your children.
Marriage isn’t the condition for happiness to happen.
Till Death…
If your marriage isn’t working, you will notice signs along the way. Don’t ignore them. By noticing signs, you can start taking action to try to save your marriage if you want to, or you can save your individuality by choosing divorce early enough.
Have you been faced with the choice of “I do” or “I don’t?” Please share your experience below.
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