The first point that I want to make here is actually a question: Why is this still a problem? Most people can agree that, in a marriage, partners should be equal in every regard. Am I right, or am I right?
That means equal in terms of general responsibility in the relationship, contribution to the household and, most importantly, finances. The topic of women’s rights, specifically in terms of wages and treatment in the workplace, are more prevalent than ever. When a woman wants to exercise her independence in this way, finances should not something that holds a person back.
Marriage starts out as a commitment based on love and a mutual respect. Sometimes, as we know, the process of maintaining that commitment goes awry and women are put in situations where they no longer are safe, mentally or physically, to remain in the relationship. However, if the finances are singularly controlled and you’re feeling powerless in that department, what CAN one realistically do?
Read on. I’m about to tell you.
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Do your research and make a plan.
If you know you want to leave your marriage, but you have no money to do so, the smartest thing you can do and the biggest courtesy you can give yourself, is to make a plan. In my experience, most things in life that require a process of multiple steps work better when I am organized and set realistic goals for myself.
Here are some things to consider before you make this move in your life, some of which are explored in more detail later on:
Like I said, some of these points will be explored in more depth, but these are great starting points to think about. The answers and solutions to the above list will be instrumental in getting started on the right foot as a financially independent woman.
Ask for help.
If a situation is dire or you have been mulling over the prospect of making this move for awhile, the first thing you should do is ask for help. It sounds like a simple thing, but it can be one of the hardest things that you’ll have to come to terms with doing. We’ve all experienced this inner conflict so don’t feel bad. Not even a LITTLE bit.
Everyone has to ask for help at some point in their life and this time it just happens to be your turn. Someday, it’ll be someone else’s turn to ask you for help. You will have gained a new level of empathy and have an amazing story to tell about how you were a strong, independent, woman and got things done for yourself!
Whether you crash on a family member’s or friend’s couch, reserve your neighbor’s guest bedroom for a month, or even stay at a local women’s shelter or safe house, there are a multitude of resources that you should take advantage of in starting this process. As hard as it may be, don’t apologize for asking for help or feel like a burden. I guarantee you, if the people around you see you making this immense effort to better your life, they’re going to be happy to be a part of it.
Though this should be considered a short-term solution and you should continue looking for ways to find a more permanent living situation, it is a solid first step in terms of removing yourself from your current situation and also allowing yourself to accept help and support from others. This is necessary in the adjustment process mentally, emotionally, and physically as you move on to this new chapter. You’ll feel much better and reach independence and personal, financial success faster if you surround yourself with a positive network of people.
Create a budget.
That’s right, it’s time to brush up on those Excel skills you learned in the 5th grade. Create a spreadsheet of your current income or, if you do not have one, what you need it to be based on the expenses you accrue each month. To that point, make sure that your expenses are “needs” instead of “wants”.
Do you really need that Netflix account and the wine club subscription?
Okay…maybe you do, just not right now.
Start taking ownership of your finances by understanding them in this very simple way. Create a list of categories detailing what you need to spend money on each month and allot a certain amount of money to each.
Establishing and understanding these numbers will also help you in your job search and the salary you will require to live, making leaving your marriage or relationship with no money a much smoother process and transition.
Get to know Indeed.com
If you find yourself in a situation where you have to leave a marriage because you have no money, more likely than not you’re going to be looking for a job as soon as possible. Indeed.com is one of, if not the best, job search sites on the internet. You can create and upload a resume and very efficiently apply to multiple jobs that catch your interest and meet your salary needs.
Be warned that you may not be able to land a full-time job with all of those lovely benefits right away. Start small and look for freelance work you can do from home (Upwork.com is a great resource for this), see if anyone in your neighborhood needs a nanny or consistent babysitter, or look for a couple steady part-time positions that can tide you over until something full-time comes along.
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Sell unwanted items online for extra cash.
Need fast cash? Have a lot of junk you’ve collected over the years that you really don’t need? (I promise, you don’t need four pairs of the same shoe in every shade of blue).
Check out this article for a list of sites to sell your stuff and smart ways to do it.
Please don’t sell every item you own. It isn’t necessary. We’re just talking about the items that have collected dust in the corner over the years, or items like pieces of jewelry that you have never worn.
If you really don’t know where to start, check out this article summarizing the popular book and series, The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing, by Marie Kondo.
Get a lawyer. You’re entitled to one.
Leaving a marriage with no money of your own does not mean that you don’t have legal rights. Odds are, even if your personal finances aren’t looking stellar at the moment and your significant other is claiming to own EVERYTHING, you’re definitely entitled to something.
Even though this journey might make you feel like you’re alone, please remember that you aren’t. Enlist the help of a lawyer to make sure that you’re getting your fair share of property, finances, whatever it may be. Not only that, but a lawyer will be extremely helpful in offering counsel should you seek something more permanent like divorce. It may be smart to take this step of seeking legal counsel as a preemptive measure so you are prepared when the actual event takes place.
Now What?
Leaving a relationship with no money is incredibly scary and we totally get it. The bottom line is there are plenty of resources at your disposal (some of them included here), and so many people who will be willing to help you, whether you realize it now or not. This is a very real challenge that many women face, but in this age of female empowerment, anything is possible. It may sound corny, but use the incredible network of women that has proven time and time again to lift each other up in times of struggle.
In general, it’s very helpful to educate yourself about finances as well as the challenges that come along with managing finances in relationships. In the video, “Love and money: Dr. Jenn Mann discusses common financial relationship issues,” Dr. Mann goes into detail about the most common problems couples face in terms of finance.
While Dr. Mann’s advice may not directly apply to your specific situation, I personally found it great to hear this perspective and understand the risks and ways to prevent these situations that may arise in the future.
It’s going to require a lot of extra effort, sacrifice and strength to do this, but don’t let a few dollars (figuratively speaking) or the fear of “what might happen” hold you back from living the life you want with who you want.
You got this. Now go do it!
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