A marriage is a partnership between two people, but when there is less marital bliss than you would like, it can feel like one partner is the designated driver.
I’ve often wondered about how to save a marriage when only one is trying. Does “I do” mean you do it alone? Can a marriage survive with only one partner trying, or is it even worth saving when both partners are no longer committed to creating an “us?” Let’s find out …
Your Relationship And Why You Are Still Trying To Save It
If you believe in fairytales, you would expect a perfect white picket fence life with 2.3 kids and a dream job too, but you aren’t a kid, and Santa has long since stopped bringing you presents.
With both feet in reality, you may find yourself facing an ugly truth: you and your partner’s “us” have turned into a solo voyage as you end up being like ships passing in the night.
So, why would you still bother trying? Well, obviously, you have a history together. Any time there is a history, there is bound to be good times too. You remember those times, and you have built something together. Like the captain going down with the ship, you want to try till the last.
There may be children, a life together, and social pressures to make your relationship work. Certainly, nobody likes to be a quitter, but what about when your union becomes a “state of one?”
Your Problems And Saving Your Marriage
All couples have problems, but whether these problems contribute to your marriage being on the rocks or not is up to your own ability to take action. Inaction or inertia is what eventually kills a marriage.
You should be able to look at the problems you and your partner experience in your marriage and decide whether they are actionable or not. If they are chronic problems that have always been there, you can decide whether you can live with them or not.
Should you experience acute problems that happen over night, such as sudden drinking or spending habits, you need to decide what action YOU can take to deal with these challenges. Saving your marriage is about knowing what is happening, what is hurting, and what is worth fixing.
What Is Happening?
There are always things in any marriage that go awry. This is normal. It’s when things suddenly change, and your marriage is no longer chugging along nicely that you need to pay attention. The sudden late night phone calls, aggressive spending, and avoidant behavior that happens when you’re not looking is what kills a marriage.
When you are trying to save your marriage alone, you need to know what you are up against. Are you noticing sudden changes, or have you finally just had enough of behavior that has always existed?
What Is Hurting?
The things you’ve always shut your eyes at that have always been there can become a festering wound. By knowing what is hurting you, the power to make a change becomes yours.
Has your partner always been avoidant and unable to express their feelings, but you now become hurt by their inability to support you in an emotionally challenging situation? What can you do about it?
Learning how to fix your marriage alone may be about acceptance more than change. So, the shift is that you accept what you can’t change, and you learn the wisdom to know what you can. Like the Serenity Prayer, you can feel like you are working towards sustaining your relationship by accepting some things won’t change.
What Is Worth Fixing?
When you see that something can change, you should go for it with all the skill you can muster. There are some things that are worth fixing in a relationship, like communication, affection, care, honesty, and reciprocity.
Why You’d Want Your Marriage To Work
While you’re probably feeling like you’re the only one steering your marriage towards shallow water, while the ship is sinking, you may be surprised to learn your partner may be suffering too. What if while you are feeling like you are trying to save the marriage alone, your partner is feeling the same way?
Without communication and sharing, you may not have any real indication of your partner’s feelings or fully understand their actions at all. However, you have already built a foundation in your time together, and there is something there to save and fight for.
At one stage, you and your partner did have a sense of love for each other, and you both invested in making each other’s lives better and richer with a shared knowing.
The “whys” are the reasons for wanting to save your marriage:
- Why you loved each other in the first place
- Why you chose to stay together so long
- Why your partner has expanded your life
- Why you have sacrificed for them to succeed
- Why you still see them in your future
Techniques To Fix Your Marriage Alone
In wanting to know how to save your marriage alone, you may consider these techniques to bring you and your partner closer together and remind both of you just why you said “I do.”
Stop Saying Yes, Start Saying No
Chances are you have been agreeing to everything, trying to people-please your partner, but maybe it’s time to say no. By starting to stand up for yourself, putting your foot down on what matters to you, it may encourage your partner to see you for who you are, respect you more, and rebuild your failing relationship.
Hold On To Yourself, Stop Clinging To Them
Put yourself first. Stop relegating your needs to the backburner and focus on what you need in the relationship.
Your partner was attracted to who you were when you met, so focus on yourself, and you will be able to win them over again. If nothing else, you will be able to build a strong relationship with yourself. Nobody likes or is attracted to someone who is needy. Don’t look to them to make you happy, and your relationship will improve when you stop clinging to them.
Your neediness may have been stifling them, so give them the freedom to be who they are and value that person. You can only do this once you have created a satisfied spirit inside yourself by meeting your own needs. This is how you take the pressure off them, and they will notice, returning to you.
Be Truthful And Stop Manipulating
In an attempt to get what you want, you may be engaging in manipulative behavior, even if it’s geared towards saving your marriage. Don’t make the mistake of believing this will save it.
Manipulation always causes more problems than bringing solutions to a relationship. Stop manipulating and start being honest and truthful with your partner. There is a certain charm to truthfulness that will win you affection and respect; manipulation will lead to resentment.
Set A Time Limit
While you really want to save your marriage, your first step should be to get the other person to offer some commitment, with the easiest way to get this being to offer a time limit.
When your partner wants to leave, ask them to try again for a few weeks or work at it as a New Year’s Resolution. People are more inclined to give their effort and cooperation when they know there’s a limit.
Quit Emotional Blackmailing
Are you negotiating in your marriage for the other person’s affection? Perhaps you are giving sex or money or gifts in exchange for their supposed loyalty?
Stop emotionally blackmailing them and yourself. This kind of behavior ultimately leads to resentment and the end of a relationship. Become truthful to yourself and meet your own needs so you don’t have to convince the other person to be your savior.
All In Or All Out
You can’t fight for success if you don’t have both feet in the race. If you have one foot out the door, the other person will notice, and they will not fight for the relationship either.
You are either all in or all out. Give yourself that respect to decide whether you will fight for your relationship or have the courage to end it instead.
Stop Talking, Start Listening
Have you been the one doing all the talking and begging? Perhaps it’s time to stop and start listening. Maybe your partner has been trying to communicate, but you are so busy talking to them, you haven’t heard them. Many of a couple’s difficulties can be resolved when they start listening to each other.
Listening also means you start seeing the other person and understanding what they are going through instead of only seeing your side of things. Shift your perspective, and perhaps you will find your marital difficulties aren’t about you at all (which may be why you haven’t been able to fix it).
Friends, Not Lovers
Do you even like your partner? A marriage starts with a relationship where you like someone and become friends with them, and finally that friendship becomes more. Maybe you need to take a step back and become friends, not lovers. This might improve your communication and help you find connection again.
Do Your Opposite
If your marriage is in trouble and you feel like you are the only one working at it, chances are there is something you have been doing that is not working.
So, instead of trying to fight harder, stop and do the opposite. If you have been happily seeing to your husband’s needs, stop and let him sort himself out for a change. Perhaps your attempts to save the marriage have been ruining it instead.
Take a step back and reevaluate your union. Perhaps you have been creating a problem with your behavior and actions. The only way to spot that is to do the opposite of your usual habits for a change.
Start Dating
Marriages often fail because of the spark having dimmed a long time ago. Start dating your partner, and more importantly, take yourself on a date too. Invest in you. Take care of your needs so you can begin to shine again, and the chances are pretty good your partner will see you with new eyes.
Put the spark back with romantic evenings out, lazy morning cuddling, and rainy afternoons with only each other for company. Dating is how you get over hating each other.
Change What You Look At
Refocus your attention to see the good things in your marriage. If you are focused on the errors and all the failures, you will only see those. Your partner is perhaps absent a lot due to work, so you end up only seeing their absence, and in the end, you only focus on their absence from any part of your relationship.
Yet, if you focus on what they do well, such as always providing financially, you may realize how fortunate you are, how hard they work, and how much they love you.
Get Help
With your face up to a painting, all you see is a blur. The same holds true for a relationship and its problems. If you feel like you are the only one working at saving your marriage, you may need to get an outside perspective to help you.
By using a counselor or therapist, you may realize you are not the only one working at the relationship. Their perspective on things may help you reach new realizations, and this process may draw you closer to your partner.
Stop Being Unrealistic
Lastly, consider you may not be real in your marriage and expectations of a relationship either. We are often misguided in how we think romance and love works due to the cinematic versions we are exposed to.
Life is rarely like the movies, so you need to stop being unrealistic and really see your partner for who they are. After all, you are not the “perfect” partner either. You are human, your partner is human, and this means you are both flawed. Question is: can you and your flaws accept them and their flaws?
Oddly, once you let go of an idealized version of what your marriage should be, you may find something even better right before your eyes.
How To Save A Marriage When Only You Are Trying FAQS
Can A Marriage Be Saved If Only One Person Wants To?
Ultimately, you are in a partnership, which means two people. You can work to the point where your partner is also motivated to save your marriage, but on your own, there is little chance of the marriage working. It takes two to make it work.
When Trying To Save Your Marriage, How Long Before You Should Quit?
If you see there is no improvement and no chance at a successful partnership, you should consider ending it when you lose all hope. If you are considering a separation, the length of time encouraged is four to six weeks, so you and the other person can learn what life is like without each other.
What Do You Need For A Successful Marriage?
There are a number of elements that will ensure a successful and mutually inclusive marriage:
- Communication
- Value
- Commitment
- Respect
- Intimacy
How Can I Save My Marriage Alone?
In addition the tips discussed above, you can also try the following:
- Stop talking exclusively about your marriage problems. (There are things that do work.)
- Give up on blaming your partner. You are equally involved, so you probably contribute to the problem too.
- You should be working on your marriage, not working on your partner. Their flaws are not why your marriage is failing. Being hypercritical will only damage your relationship.
What Are The Signs My Marriage Is In Trouble And That I Should Start Saving It?
Look for the warning signs like:
- Constant criticism
- Lack of intimacy
- Too much or not enough arguing
- Secrets
- A lack of respect
Final Thoughts
A marriage is a complicated structure between two people who start off being attracted to each other, but over time, that attraction can turn to dissatisfaction. Before long, there is only one person trying to keep the deck of cards in the air.
If you find yourself in this situation, you need to decide whether you are all in or all out and stick to the decision to save your marriage or give up. There can be no half-measures, so dive in, throw your best effort at this, and be smart enough to try different techniques to influence and motivate your partner to help you work at saving your “us.”
Have you been in a situation where you felt like you were the only one working to save your marriage? What did you do to get things on track?
Share your story in our social feed, and help give someone else the hope and fortitude to fight on for the person they love.
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