When my husband hurts my feelings and doesn’t seem to care, the emotions that come with frustration, and even insecurity, can be overwhelming. I find myself wondering, “has it always been this way? How can I make him care?” Or even the dreaded thought, “Is there something wrong with me?”
It’s important to stand up for yourself in your marriage, or in any relationship, for that matter. If you don’t stand up for your own self-confidence, you might risk some pretty substantial damage your mental health. When you allow insensitive behaviors to continue, your partner could fall under the false pretense that you’re okay with this behavior, causing it to continue or even worsen.
Hurt feelings cause resentment, which is like poison to any healthy relationship. How much of this behavior is normal? Has something significant changed in our lives?.And how do I productively handle my husband’s lack of consideration for my feelings? Keep reading for common red flags and tips on what do when your husband hurts your feelings.
He Disregards Your Feelings
Does your husband make decisions based only on what’s right for him? Does he listen when you voice opinions about life decisions? A healthy marriage relies on equal partnership. When your partner places priority on only his own thoughts and feelings, it can be quite insulting.
Disregarding your feelings is a purely selfish act and a sign of disrespect. Psychologically speaking, it’s emotional neglect. Ask yourself – has it always been this way, or is this a new behavior? Is there anything emotional draining happening in your lives, like a sick parent or child? Your husband could also be attempting to avoid a fight, or even feeling insecure about his own feelings.
When my husband hurts or disregards my feelings and acts like he doesn’t care, it’s hard to find the confidence to confront the problem head-on. But, the only way to solve the problem is to talk it out. Tell him how you feel and how you would like him to act. Follow these tips too.
He Talks Down To You
As much as we hate to admit it, words hurt. If your husband talks down to you in a condescending way consistently, it’s a form of mental abuse that will undoubtedly have an affect on your well being.
Research shows that repeating the same things (either positive or negative) over and over to yourself eventually becomes your internal truth. If you constantly have someone telling you you’re not good enough, you will convince yourself that it’s true. And that just isn’t accurate, fair, or kind. Treat yourself like you would your best friend. If someone was talking to her that way, wouldn’t you stop him?
Does your husband ever use the phase, “You should feel thankful because . . ?” My husband also doesn’t care about my feelings when he tells me what to think, or how to think. We are our own people – with or without our husbands – and have the right to our own mental capacity and decisions on how we want to think. In fact, it empowers us to be the best wives we can be!
As many of us women know, men are not always great at talking about their feelings. Sometimes your husband may lash out, or talk down to you, when he feels threatened or vulnerable. Could he feel threatened by your successes as at work, or your ability to balance motherhood with your other responsibilities? When you are married, you should be thinking as a team. Jealousy and egoism has no place in your romantic relationship.
He Ignores What’s Important To You
A healthy marriage is built on mutual respect and care for each other. If your husband ignores what’s important to you, you’ve lost precious common ground. You don’t have to have the exact same priorities or values to make a marriage work. You just have to respect each other’s priorities and values.
Make sure you are clear and explicit about what’s important to you, and what you value most. Even if your priorities change, be sure to over-communicate them to your husband. It’s the only way to stay on the same page and – let’s be honest – men aren’t listening half the time, anyway.
Just because he isn’t close with his family, it doesn’t mean he shouldn’t support your relationship with yours. Maybe you’ve been trying to lose weight and he keeps bringing junk food into the house. Does he drop his dirty clothes on the bedroom floor even though you have expressed your desire for a clean space? These are all signs that he ignores what’s important to you.
He Causes You To Make Excuses
Making habitual excuses for your partner is never a good sign. Is there something you are trying to hide? Are you ashamed of his behavior toward you, the kids, or the people you care about? One of the most valuable lessons I learned as a teenager was – if it feels wrong, it probably is wrong. Your shame and excuses likely come from the fact that you know it isn’t right.
When you are in a relationship, it’s easy to make excuses for less-than-desirable behaviors because you may be blinded by love, or by memories, or even by the “perfect” marriage that you see on your best friend’s Instagram account.
Have honest conversations with close friends, family, or even a therapist. Talk about the things that are bothering you about your marriage. More than likely, you have at least one friend who is going through something similar and dying (but too scared) to confide in someone about it. Keep a clear head on your shoulders. No one, and especially not your husband, is exempt from treating you with respect. No excuses.
You may think, “My husband hurts my feelings and doesn’t care” when he is impolite to you or difficult in front of your friends. Not that you want to put up a facade, but your husband should be on his best behavior in front of the people who matter to you. He should love and show respect to the people you love, too.
If your husband promises something, hold him accountable, just as he would hold you accountable. You can forgive someone without making excuses for unreliable or inconsistent behavior. If you can’t be honest with your closest friends (and yourself) about your relationship, it’s a red flag.
He Blames You For Everything
When you are in a committed relationship, everyone makes mistakes once in a while. It’s part of life, and human nature. The ability to own up to your mistakes and correct them, when necessary, is a sign of maturity and emotional strength.
Thoughts of, “My husband always hurts my feelings” may arise again if he refuses to take, or share, the blame for things that go wrong in your relationship and lives. Feeling like you are constantly the scapegoat for your shared problems is exhausting – and unfair. Make sure you share your feelings when it comes to blame. You could say something like, “I think it’s unfair to place blame on anyone in this situation,” or “It was a misunderstanding (or miscommunication) between us both.”
Be careful. If blaming behavior persists, you may be tempted to resort to the path of least resistance and just agree – the good old, self-deprecating, “Ok, ok, I know everything is my fault.” This type of negative self-talk flirts with a very dangerous depressive nature. You don’t deserve to take the blame all the time, from your husband or yourself.
Serious business, here – if your husband blame you for everything, he could be a narcissist. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a serious mental illness, and those affected know how to charm (and deceive) their partner during courtship. Once secure, they take from, and place blame on, their partner until there is almost nothing left to give.
If you suspect your husband is a narcissist, talk to a mental health professional to understand how this disorder could be affecting your marriage and how to protect yourself – and your own mental health!
He Doesn’t Make Time For You
Do you ever feel like you are the last thing your husband thinks about? You don’t deserve to be last on his daily to-do list. The honeymoon phase can’t last forever, but a marriage should be a lasting priority for both parties involved. Life might get hectic (especially when you have kids), but placing importance on your marriage will ultimately make you both better colleagues, friends, and parents to the other important people in your life.
Are you still intimate? Physical touch is an important part of a relationship, and is the “love language” of many men. Spending time together alone is important in maintaining general physical contact (hand-holding), cuddling, sex, you name it. If the physical contact in your relationship has changed significantly, you might want to talk about it, sooner rather than later. This is often a sign that there are other emotional problems on the horizon.
Talk to your husband about setting some routines, or putting some plans in place so that you have non-negotiable together-time daily or weekly. Get involved in a Netflix show together (cuddling is a plus), or have breakfast with each other before work each morning. Tell him how much it matters to you, and your marriage, that you make time to prioritize each other.
He Stops Communicating
One of the most hurtful things in a marriage is lack of communication. When you get married, you make a commitment to share your life with another person, flaws and all. Open and honest communication is one of the most basic ways to maintain a healthy relationship. Watch this video to find out how you can best communicate with your partner:
Tell your partner immediately when something bothers you; don’t let it fester or build up. Just like disciplining children, behavior is best corrected in the moment. If you let something wait a week, he might not even vividly remember what you’re talking about, and you might forget how much it really hurt you.
If talking isn’t effective, try alternative forms of communication. Some people (myself included) express themselves more freely in writing. Try texting or emailing with your husband to keep a regular dialogue going. Ask him questions about how his day is, or tell him something reminded you of him. Just because you are married, it doesn’t have to mean the romance is dead!
Assuming anything is dangerous, but refusing to communicate effectively with your partner is passive aggressive behavior.
All of this being said, you are the most important person in your marriage. Make sure that you are maintaining your own mental health, confidence and positivity, even in the face of negative behavior from your spouse. Focusing on self-care will help you to keep a clear head as you navigate the tricky world of shared lives through marriage.
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