What is a transactional marriage? Is this a new thing? Is it even sustainable? Whatever questions you have about this kind of arrangement, this is your chance to clear your doubts. Here’s a question to start you off.
What do you think holds a marriage together? Like most people, you are probably thinking it is love. Well, you may be right. In a transformational marriage, love is the glue that holds the union. Partners have no issue with sacrificing individual needs for the sake of their union.
But can the same be said of a transactional union, and why would someone agree to such a relationship?
Full disclosure: Every relationship is transactional at some level. Think about it, if you weren’t getting anything from your marriage, would you really stick around? Wouldn’t you be better off striking out on your own?
Now, this is an uncomfortable question, but this blog will shed some light on this divisive topic. Read on to find out everything you need to know about transactional relationships, from what they are and when they started to the benefits and drawbacks.
Transactional Marriage Meaning
No romance without finance! This line from Gwen Guthrie’s controversial 80s hit song sums up transactional relationships.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not always about money. But finances play a big part in transactional unions. After all, everyone wants to feel secure.
On paper, a person with a fat bank account is immune to the unpleasant surprises that modern life dishes out.
Back to the topic at hand. The best way to describe a transactional relationship is by thinking of it as a business deal. Here’s an example to drive the point home.
Despite what companies such as Apple and Amazon advertise, they are solely motivated by profit. If you can’t afford their services and products, then you most definitely matter less to them.
It’s no different with you as a customer. Brand loyalty is a concept for the birds. If a competing company offered you better products for cheaper prices, you’d switch your allegiance without blinking. It’s a cold reality, but this is how transactions work. Quid pro quo!
Apply this concept to relationships, and you have an elaborate transactional marriage meaning.
Background
Romantics find this idea sacrilegious. But you need to understand that transactional marriages are not a modern invention. In fact, they were common before romance was a thing.
Turn the clock back to the 1800s. You will be hard-pressed to find a couple getting married simply because they loved each other. Instead, race, background, financial status, and social standing were the determining factors for marriage.
The result was that nobles stuck with nobles, traders married from the merchant class, and the peasants were left to their own devices.
To further drive this point home, take the protagonists from the famous romantic play Romeo and Juliet. They might not have been nobles, but they were definitely not broke. Shakespeare didn’t write Romeo as a farmer’s son in love with Juliet.
While this would have made for an interesting story, the idea was laughable back then.
So transactional unions have no doubt stood the test of time. With both partners clearly understanding their roles in the union, the chances of conflict are very low.
Transactional Marriages In The 21st Century
How does this play out in a modern setting, and what are the motivating factors?
While transformational marriages are defined by generosity, transactional ones are driven by self-interest. So the question then becomes, what do I have to gain from such a marriage?
In the current economic and social environment, security and convenience are motivating factors for most transactional relationships. If we are being honest, the “good old days” are long gone.
The reality is, well-paying jobs are hard to come by. Affording a home on minimum wage is a pipe dream, and you can’t buy a beer with a dollar.
With this in mind, it’s easy to see why transactional arrangements are on the rise. After all, love alone won’t pay the bills, put a roof over your head, or provide safety during hard times.
Does this mean traditional roles are common in transactional relationships? Far from it. For example, in the 1920s, the idea of stay-at-home dads was unheard of. The men went to work, providing for the family, while a majority of women stayed at home to look after the children.
Nowadays, millions of men in transactional marriages are stay-at-home dads. They act as caregivers for the children as their wives advance their careers.
What if there are no children involved? After all, with the child-free movement picking up steam, what’s the point of transactional arrangement in a marriage? This is where convenience comes into play.
Let’s say a person has a busy career life. This would mean they would have little to no time for dating or pursuing a romantic relationship. Such a person would be okay with providing their partner with all the comforts they need.
In return, they would expect all the benefits that come with a marriage. Over time, partners in this kind of relationship might grow to care for each other, but the underlying conditions of the marriage will remain relevant.
Now, what is a transactional relationship characterized by? That is what I will be looking at next.
Characteristics Of A Transactional Arrangement
Since all relationships have a transactional element, finding out if you are in a purely transactional union can be confusing. Here are the main characteristics of a purely transactional arrangement.
High Expectations
Don’t get me wrong, having expectations in a relationship is perfectly natural. However, partners in a transactional marriage use their expectations to determine the state of their union. You can go as far as saying that expectations, not love, form the foundation of such a marriage.
Similar to business deals, expectations are agreed on early in the relationship.
For example, a person might expect to live in a house of their choice and receive a certain amount of money after an agreed period of time. In return, their partner would expect them to take care of all household responsibilities.
Using such expectations, they can both determine if the marriage is working or not.
Self-Focussed
Self-interest is a driving factor in transactional unions. Every action is cataloged. Both partners keep scores.
Before doing anything for your partner, you first ask yourself what you’ll get out of it. In such a union, generosity is regarded as wasted effort. Quid quo pro is the order of the day.
Compromise Is A Foreign Concept
Since transactional marriages are based on expectations, there is little room for compromise. If your partner meets all your requirements, then you have no choice but to keep your end of the bargain.
For example, let’s say your role in the marriage is looking after the children. Regardless of your situation, your partner will expect you to watch the kids.
Even if you are not able to, they will expect you to find a solution that doesn’t inconvenience their plans in any way. This goes to show that lack of compromise and flexibility are hallmarks of transactional relationships.
Lack Of Discussions
You might view disagreements as a bad thing in relationships, but partners in transformational relationships are no strangers to conflict. There’s a reason for this.
Conversation and discussions form the foundations of relational marriages. A person can air their views, no matter how radical. If their partner disagrees, then an argument will ensue.
This is not a bad thing. In fact, it’s a healthy process for any relationship. By finding common ground, partners experience individual growth in a marriage. They are also more than willing to fight for the relationship.
This is rarely the case in transactional relationships. Pre-defined roles form the basis of how partners should interact. There is little reason for discussion. However, there’s more to this.
Since discussion on complex issues like politics or religious views could lead to disagreements, they are avoided at all costs. After all, reducing conflict by maintaining the status quo is one of the main goals of a transactional marriage.
More Taking, Less Giving
Love is the glue that holds transformational marriages together. Here, partners are okay with making sacrifices for the sake of the relationship.
The opposite is true for transactional marriages. One views every little thing they do as an investment and, similar to a business transaction, they will expect returns for their actions.
As you can imagine, this will create a selfish mentality over time. Instead of doing something for its sake, you will expect your partner not only to recognize your actions but to repay you as well.
Prenuptial Agreements Are Part Of The Package
Nowadays, prenuptial agreements are common enough. However, the truth is, people entering a transactional union will demand a prenup before tying the knot, especially if they have considerable material wealth.
Such a person knows that their partner is only with them because of the security they can provide. A prenup ensures that in the case of divorce or separation, they will leave with their assets intact.
Of course, this makes sense on paper, but it’s not a concern for couples in a loving, transformational marriage. Since personal gain is not a motivating factor in a transformational marriage, you don’t have to worry about your partner short-changing you in the unfortunate case of a divorce.
A prenup no doubt makes it easier when separating assets. But you should be clear and honest about your reasons for demanding one.
Next, let’s look at the good side of a transactional marriage.
Advantages Of A Transactional Marriage
Equality
The problem with non-transactional unions is that your partner might take advantage of you. Of course, this would never happen in a loving relationship, but the lack of defined roles makes it a possibility.
On the other hand, transactional relationships set the grounds for equality. Think about it. You know what’s expected of you and what to expect from your partner.
Since you are aware of this, demanding what you are owed is much easier. This is not the case in a non-transactional arrangement. If your partner is unreasonable, they can easily argue that your demands are selfish and manipulative.
Certainty
Love is a drug. Like all drugs, it can make you do questionable things. Some relationships make perfect sense when you are in love. But once the honeymoon phase is over, you can’t help but question the logic behind your decisions.
Ask any divorcee from a non-transactional marriage whether they ever thought about separation in the initial stages of their union. The answer will be a resounding no.
This rarely happens with transactional relationships. Since both partners know what they are getting into, they don’t have the luxury of setting unrealistic expectations.
With clearly defined roles, you can easily gauge the state of your marriage and correct any issues early on. As a result, you are more certain and confident in your marriage since you are in control.
Balance
While personal sacrifice is commonplace in transformational marriages, it’s not required in transactional relationships. Yes, the concept of sacrifice is noble on paper. And more often than not, it leads to inequality.
This is usually the case in marriages where there is little to no communication. On the other hand, transactional arrangements ensure balance.
You can be sure that your needs and desires will be met since your partner is well aware of their responsibilities. What’s more, there is no need for you to make personal sacrifices since your partner has to reciprocate everything you do for them.
Security
No matter how much you love each other, separation is always a possibility. With non-transactional relationships, amicable divorces almost never happen. If your partner feels short-changed, then they might go to extreme lengths to “make you pay” during the divorce.
Since affairs are mixed up in non-transactional marriages, separating assets can become a nightmarish experience.
On the other hand, when transactional unions end, there is little chance of your divorce devolving into a pitched battle. Think about it. Love is not the basis for a transactional union. This reduces the chance of irrational behavior in the case of separation.
What’s more, with clear rules, division of responsibilities, and the existence of a prenup agreement, your divorce will be an open-and-shut case. With these factors in play, there is no chance of your partner “taking you to the cleaners” when your marriage ends.
Disadvantages Of A Transactional Marriage
Let’s be honest, most people won’t even consider getting into a transactional arrangement. After all, the concept is the complete opposite of the accepted model of a loving marriage. Here are the glaring disadvantages of a transactional relationship.
It Stunts Individual Growth
Growth is impossible without change. The truth is partners in transactional arrangements rarely welcome change. You can argue that through clearly defined roles, transactional unions promote individual growth, but this is rarely the case.
Think about it. The prevailing mentality in such a marriage is “As long as things are going as expected, why rock the boat? “
Yes, this approach reduces the chances of arguments and conflicts. But what it also does is reduce meaningful interaction with your partner.
The result is that you both retreat to your own little bubbles where your opinions and world views are likely to stay the same. While this ultimately leads to a “peaceful” marriage, it comes at the cost of growth.
A Boring Marriage
Make no mistake, love is a risky affair. It’s like taking a dive into the unknown; you never know where you will end up. It’s a scary prospect, but it’s so much fun.
A loving marriage makes life worth living. Even in hard times, you always have something to smile about. Having someone to love unconditionally brings the best out of us.
Look at it this way. Even though there are millions of unhappy marriages, you are willing to try making yours a success story. Will it work? No one knows.
But giving everything you have to a cause you believe in, even when facing overwhelming odds, is the most beautiful thing you will ever do.
Risk is the spice of life. It’s why approaching marriage as you would a business deal cheapens the whole concept. You won’t bother with going the extra mile. Why would you?
You won’t fight to save your marriage. What’s the point? Maintaining the status quo is all that matters. Avoid rocking the boat at all costs.
Finally, leaving your partner is a non-issue, especially if someone comes along with a better deal. Something is lost in a transactional relationship that makes the whole affair cold, calculating, and utterly boring.
FAQs
Are transactional marriages sustainable?
In all honesty, it depends on your motivations and what you want from marriage. If love and self-sacrifice are requirements for you, then you are better off going for a transformational marriage.
However, if you don’t care much about these concepts, then there is a high chance you will be happy in a transactional arrangement.
Are transactional marriages wrong?
Far from it. After all, all marriages are transactional in nature. When it’s all said and done, you should go with what works for you. If marriages based on love were the right path, then divorces would be unheard of. But this is not the case.
How do I change a transactional marriage?
Make love and not expectations the foundation of your marriage. This way, you will be able to give more and expect less. Instead of keeping count of what your partner is doing, you will focus on what you can do to strengthen your marriage.
By now, you should be well-informed about what a transactional marriage is, from where it began to its present nature, and also its good and bad sides. Knowing all these is important, especially if you are yet to tell the kind of marriage you are in. Take your time to learn your union, and always remember that marriage is a long journey that takes a lot of effort and sacrifice to be a success.
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