Learn What To Do And Cope When He Says He’s Done

Knowing what to do when he says he’s done is one of the hardest challenges to any relationship, but especially for a marriage. You may not believe him, you may become angry, or you may feel so sad you want to crawl into a hole and die, but you need to take action. 

You can cope, and you can win him back (if you so choose). Find out the why and how of dealing with it when your husband says he’s done.

How To Know He’s About To Say He’s Done?

When a marriage is going nicely, we tend to just sit back and enjoy the view. Yet, this is when we need to cement our relationship bonds and maintain healthy boundaries to ensure it’s an equal partnership. Knowing your marriage is in trouble is essential to pulling it back from the rocks and possible divorce. 

Signs that he is about to say he’s done with you include: 

Your Communication Becomes Vague

If he starts cutting off the communication lines, you can be sure he is withdrawing from your marriage. This includes not responding to text messages, emails, or conversations. While men tend not to be as communicative as women, we can see when they become distant. 

Your Intimacy Annoys Him 

A surefire sign that he’s about to boot you is when he doesn’t want to cuddle or pillow talk anymore. While the sex may continue, it won’t be as intimate as before. You will feel the distance as he becomes a stranger to you.

He No Longer Cares About You

When my cat died and my husband only asked where I wanted her buried, I realized he was pulling away. He couldn’t be bothered to comfort me. Despite my tears and clear distress, his comfort was lacking or superficial. Emotionally, he had already detached from me. My pain made him uncomfortable. 

You may find your husband also follows this classic path of being vague, no longer cherishing intimacy and sensitive conversations, and no longer caring for your pain. Usually, this is not a sign that he’s an a-hole. Instead, it is a sure sign he is withdrawing. He is subconsciously moving you out of his life, and if you don’t pull him back, you will feel it when your husband says he’s done.

Why Would He Say He’s Done? 

There are a number of reasons why your boyfriend or husband may say he’s done. When he says he’s done with you, it may indicate that he has the following issues that are making him leave. 

He’s Tired Of Your Negativity 

This may be a bitter pill to swallow, but if you are constantly haranguing him, he will grow tired of that negativity. Being surrounded by negativity and criticism will cause him to walk out. 

He may decide he’s done with you simply because he doesn’t know how to tell you that your negativity hurts him. When he says he’s done, it may mean he’s tired of being brought down by you.

You’re Too Demanding

When you are constantly asking for things from your husband, you are placing emotional and psychological strain on him. It may be too overwhelming to meet all your demands. This can be overwhelming, and being unable to cope, he will feel he has no other choice but to leave.

He Has A Bigger Priority

If he is dealing with a bigger problem that is possibly pushing him to the limits and he doesn’t get your support, then he may have to limit other drains on his energy (aka you) by letting you go. 

This often happens when he feels like he is the designated driver in your marriage or relationship. He may be going through a job crisis, but he feels he can’t talk to you (since you keep spending his money like it’s Christmas all year), and so he feels he has no choice but to leave.

He’s An Introvert And Being Around People Is Too Much

Sometimes we all get the feeling like we want to go live on a deserted island, because we are just tired of people. What if he is feeling like that? Perhaps your nearness is too much for him, and you missed his signs that he needs a little space, so now he has to move you out of his life entirely. 

When he says he’s done, it doesn’t always mean it’s about you alone. It can also be because he simply can’t cope and you haven’t been supportive enough. 

3 Steps To Knowing What To Do When He Says He’s Done 

When you hear those dreaded words, “I’m done” from the lips of your husband, it can seem like the world has stopped. You have just heard the verdict no wife wants to hear, yet many do. So what now? What do you do now? You follow these steps and you cope.

Step One: Decide Whether You Want To Save Your Marriage Or Not 

Evaluate your marriage, weighing up the good and the bad to decide whether you want to still remain married to your husband or not. Just because he has said he’s done doesn’t mean he is worth fighting for. You need to decide whether you want to keep your husband or not. You also need to accept that you may not be able to win him back, and you need to be okay with that if it happens. 

Whatever you decide, you need to take care of yourself first, so before you do anything else, do this!

Get Your Spark Back With Self-Care

You will feel like you’ve been through the grinder when you hear your husband say he’s done. It’s the worst insult, even if he doesn’t mean it like that, since you will feel like you aren’t good enough or that he doesn’t love you any more. This is when you need to take care of YOU.

Do at least three things each day that make you shine. Whether it is to take a long bath in the morning or listen to your favorite music while you get dressed, do something that makes you happy. 

This serves a dual purpose: If you decide you want to win back your husband, then your happiness will attract him. However, should you decide you don’t want to win him back and that divorce is the best choice, then this will help you cope by making you feel better about yourself.

Step Two: If You Want To Save Your Marriage 

Should you want to save your marriage, you should start by not doing any of the following: 

Don’t Tell Him It’s A Mistake

This is the best way to drive him further away! When you are telling him what to do or think, you are devaluing his experience, and it will only make him move further from you. Stop harassing him with text messages or calling nonstop. Respect that he feels what he feels and give him space. This is for you and him to figure out what is going on.

Don’t Buy Him Back

In our modern world, women are often the top earners in the family, and you buying him expensive gifts will only rub his nose in the fact that you earn more than him. This could be one of the reasons he no longer wants to be with you in the first place. A generous gesture may be well-meant, but it can also cause him to feel like you are trying to buy him back. 

Your husband may keep the gift, but not you if this is your solution to him being done with you. Rather work on your relationship than bring money into the equation.

Don’t Give Him Sex

Many women mistakenly believe they should instantly try to fix their marriage with sex. They are almost conditioned that if they give their husband as much sex as he could possibly want, he will stay. Newsflash: he won’t. 

While sex is something your husband may enjoy, it won’t change his mind, and it won’t keep him around past a few nights of passion. It will make you feel cheapened and won’t fix what is broken. 

So what do you do to save your marriage?

Do Limit Contact

This may sound counterintuitive, but it is quite simple. Your husband doesn’t want you, so let him see what life is like without you. Stop being present and supportive in his life. Combine this with generous helpings of being polite when you do have to interact. When you drop off the kids or you have to see him, be extra polite and kind, but don’t revolve around him. 

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, as the saying goes. Don’t sit there pining for him. Instead, continue with your life. Work on who you are, building a powerful character that is independent and strong. Men are attracted to strong women. It’s not about playing hard to get. Instead, it’s about being strong without him.

Do Win Him By Understanding His Love Language

Each of us have our own love language. We choose to express affection in a certain way, whether it is by touching, speaking, or doing things. Find out what he likes. If he enjoys being touched, start by casually and comfortably touching him when you do meet. A flirting touch is going to turn his head more than asking that he comes back. 

If he is a rare man who likes to talk, then invite him for coffee and talk calmly WITH him. Avoid talking TO him. Avoid recrimination and instead practice listening to him. Express your gratitude with real and genuine acts like touching, hugging him, or a soft word. 

Do Listen To Him And Avoid Naysayers

We don’t live in isolation, and chances are that your husband and you have both been listening to the people in your circle: his friends and yours. They may not always understand what you are going through, and they may not offer the best advice for what is good for you or him. 

Start listening to each other. You are the one taking the initiative, so step up and listen to him. Listening takes courage and strength. He will value your commitment to really hear him out. Don’t listen with the intention to reply or change his mind. Instead, be what you were supposed to be from the start: his wife and best friend. Listen to him like you would listen to a dear friend, putting your hurt and emotional baggage aside for now. 

Do Propose To Him

This is not a marriage proposal. Instead, propose to enter into a contract of giving each other another shot. He may not want to commit, but this is okay. Instead of feeling pushed aside, ask him if he will give you a limited time period to see if you guys can still work things out. People are more willing to commit to something and work at it when there’s an end in sight.

He will be more willing to give your marriage another shot if you limit that trial to a period of a month or two. Be honest, promising you will both stick to the time frame. If it still doesn’t work between you two within that time, then do the honorable thing and leave.

Step Three: If You Don’t Want To Save Your Marriage 

Having engaged in self-care and rebuilt your self-esteem, you may decide you don’t want to remain in the marriage either. Don’t be surprised if your husband starts wanting you to stay with him when he had wanted you to leave. Your efforts to rebuild yourself will attract him. Don’t let this dissuade you. 

If you have decided that you are ready to move on, then stick to that decision. Don’t be a chew toy for his feelings to gnaw on. Instead, choose to leave. You deserve the best, and if that isn’t your husband, then you should leave.

What To Do When He Says He Is Done FAQs 

Having your husband dump you can make you feel confused and abandoned. Hearing him say he’s done with you can be humiliating, and you may not want to ask questions, yet you should.

How do you tell if he’s really done with you? 

If your husband is really ready to leave, you will notice a few signs that point to his disinterest and emotional disentanglement from your relationship. Look for these signs:

• He becomes disinterested in spending time with you
• When you ask him about his day, he becomes vague
• He avoids intimacy and being close
• When you ask him what’s going on, he will deflect your concerns
• He is often away from home for no reason

Why do men lose interest? 

He may be unhappy or insecure in your marriage. Your husband may be detaching from you since he is not feeling satisfied and doesn’t know how to communicate this to you. He could also be having an affair to meet his needs, which means he is moving toward a new relationship.

How do I know if my breakup is final? 

There are a few signs that your breakup is indeed final:

• When you separate, you both feel better
• There is another person involved via an affair
• You realize that you both have different values or ideals
• There is emotional separation before physical separation
• You remember the past and stressful events with your ex more than you remember good times 

Why do guys push you away when they love you?

In some rare instances, your husband saying he is done with you may indicate that he is actually struggling to deal with his love for you. Communication doesn’t come easily to us all, and he might be scared by his love for you, which is why he may be pushing you away. You will notice that he:

• Fears he is failing you
• The commitment scares him
• He is dealing with stress that he fears will hurt you
• There may be changes in your relationship, and he doesn’t know how to process these
• He wants you to go for counseling, but he doesn’t know how to suggest this

The Final Moment Of Being Done 

Hearing him break your heart by saying he’s done with you can be devastating. Don’t let this knock you down. Instead, rally your energy and make important decisions. 

• Take care of yourself and rebuild your own self
• Decide whether you want him back or not
• Plan how you will win him back
• Or move on toward your future without him if you don’t want to save your marriage

Have you or your friends survived a husband saying he’s done with the marriage? Do you know what to do when he says he’s done? Share your experiences in the comments below.