A Complete Guide On What To Do When Your Boyfriend Stops Making An Effort

Updated May 2021

When your boyfriend stops making an effort, what do you do next? 

We’ve all been there. That dreaded day when the honeymoon phase of a relationship is officially over. You feel like your partner has become too comfortable in your relationship or he has changed, and not in a good way.  

Many of us have witnessed that dark day in either our own or a friend’s relationship – when your boyfriend makes zero effort.

You may be asking yourself, how do I know if the relationship is worth working on when he makes absolutely no effort to see me? Is there a chance to save the relationship or has it reached its demise? How much of this is normal male behavior?

Relationships are a lot of work, and can be exhausting at the best of times. If you are thinking – I put more effort into the relationship than my boyfriend – there are a few things you should consider before calling it quits! And you will be learning about in the rest of the article.

Read Also: EXCLUSIVE! Why Your Man Is Pulling Away – The Strange Reason Why Some Men Will Pull Away – Even If They Like You!

Make Things Right In Your Relationship

Sometimes when we’re in love, we want and expect our boyfriend to want to spend lots of time with us.

And maybe it’s not even the time, right? Maybe, you just want him to pick you up a cup of coffee, a flower (I say a flower instead of a bouquet because at this point we’re just trying to get anything!), or even acknowledge you when you’ve changed your hair!

Men can be oblivious to the fact that things aren’t going well in the relationship.

If your man is anything like mine, if he’s being fed and is fulfilled romantically, then the relationship is perfect to him. 

But how do you make the relationship with your boyfriend right for both of you?

Let’s take a look at some things that may help when your boyfriend makes no effort.

Give Him Space & Make Him Miss You

So, you know he’s prioritizing something, because he’s not giving you the same attention as he did at the beginning of the relationship.

Sometimes the things we need to do to get his attention back are things that may seem like torture in the short term. But REALLY pays off in the long run!

Is your expectation of your relationship, and of your man, reasonable?

Remember that it’s healthy for you and your man to have your own lives outside of each other.

Spending time with friends and family – without your partner – is not always a bad thing. Paying attention to the other people in life you care about can strengthen your relationship with your boyfriend.

It’s not really the distance that makes the heart grow fonder, but it’s YOU actually enjoying yourself with other people.

So here’s why this strategy works.

If you’re giving your undivided attention to other people in your life besides your boyfriend – you aren’t thinking about him 24/7.

You’ll begin to enjoy other relationships in your life and when you see and talk to your boyfriend…he’ll feel that energy.

Think about it…

When you first started to date, you probably had tons of stuff to do, that’s part of what made you attractive.

In his mind he’s thinking…How can I get more of her time?

But now you changed it up and you’re more available…the challenge isn’t there anymore.

This one simple strategy can turn around a dry relationship where your boyfriend seems like he’s stopped trying to make you feel special.

And it’ll have the residual effects of making YOU happier. Happiness is freakin’ attractive.

But…

What If My Boyfriend Doesn’t Put In Effort Yet You’re Already Giving Him Space?

Well, the first thing to consider is that it may not be you who is causing him to lessen his efforts. Consider other things in his life that may have caused him to shift his focus.

Some men don’t typically like to share these things with their girlfriend, so it may be harder to get this information out of him.

Other Reasons Your Boyfriend May Seem Like He’s Not Putting In Effort

Identify your own sources of insecurity and weakness. Both partners are bringing their own personal histories and biases to the table of a new relationship.

For example, if you had experience with abandonment in your past, you may project these emotions onto your partner and fear that he is distancing himself from you.

Make sure you are honest with yourself and properly dealing with assumptions or expectations you may be harboring.

All of this being said, you should always be able to find common ground with your partner. Make sure your expectations are realistic and that you clearly communicate what you need and want from your partner.

Who do you want him to be? What is it that you really need from him or a partner? Identify these things and write them down – they are your non-negotiables.

Get Him To Treat You Like A Priority

Maybe the relationship has just gone stagnant. Life is busy. Whenever he makes no effort to see me, this is what I dig into the most. 

Certain times of the year are stressful in certain jobs.

Think outside the box for new date ideas to keep things interesting!

The reason most people are in relationships is because they feel that being with the other person will enhance their life even further.

We want to be happy and feel joy in relationships, right?

So, let’s create some opportunities where we can have fun with each other. Doing something fun with your boyfriend makes him want to spend more time with you.

If he’s feeling happy doing things with you, he’ll want more of that emotion!

Try suggesting activities that require minimal yet equal effort on the part of both partners. You could:

• Go on a hike and pack a picnic. Get out into nature together – take a day trip, if you need to. Consider date nights too. And throughout this time, avoid distractions such as social media.
• Get a cookbook and try new recipes out with each other. Pick one night per week that you alternate making dinner. If you’re not into cooking, make a weekly date to try new restaurants in the neighborhood.
• Go to a concert – and it doesn’t have to be Jay-Z and Beyonce. One of the best dates I ever went on was to a cheap jazz concert in my neighborhood; we danced the night away and ended up as great friends.
• Hit the gym. Maybe you can get into the routine of attending a kickboxing or yoga class twice a week together. There is something intimate about sweating next to your partner!

Ask Him Why He Stopped Trying

When your boyfriend stops making an effort, there may be a good reason behind it. Maybe it has nothing to do with you. It’s no secret that men aren’t eager to discuss feelings. So before you jump ship, make sure to use your words. It could be as simple as saying to him, I noticed you’ve been distant recently, is there something bothering you?

You might find out something you didn’t expect. Maybe he is bummed about a recent failure at work and embarrassed to talk about it, or maybe he got bad news at his last doctor’s appointment.

Assuming can be dangerous, so don’t jump to conclusions or create hypothetical situations. 

Try to find out for yourself by asking. I have never met a person who doesn’t appreciate genuine concern. If he doesn’t make an effort anymore on this front too, you can rest assured knowing that you tried to get to the bottom of it.

If none of all these moves work, maybe it’s time to let go and move on. In fact, let’s briefly talk about that

When To Let Go

Ok, let’s get real honest right here. Some guys are just jerks! And it may be time to stop wondering why my boyfriend makes no effort, and move on.

Maybe this relationship worked for you in the past, but as you’ve grown, it doesn’t fit anymore.

Maybe you are the one who has grown and changed – and likely for the better!

Maybe the partner behaviors that were reasonable at age 23 aren’t acceptable to you anymore at age 31, and you’re just reaching the age that these behaviors become glaringly obvious.

Sometimes both parties outgrow a relationship (the sooner you realize this, the better).

The worst thing to do is stay in a relationship because you fear being lonely.

Your future is yours alone. Use the time apart to do some soul-searching of your own and determine what your current needs are, and if your man is able to meet them.

Something as simple as having different work or sleep schedules can prove challenging should you consider a real future together.

There is nothing wrong with growing up, and it can happen so subtly that we barely even notice.

Expectations and needs change with each decade and each major life event we experience. Unfortunately, there is no guarantee that as we grow, our partner will grow with us.

Next, I’ll answer some of the most frequently asked questions about this topic.

FAQs – When Your Boyfriend Makes No Effort

Why Do Guys Stop Putting In Effort?

A wise woman (my mother) once told me – men don’t just tell you, but show you who they really are. Sometimes it takes months, or even years, to see someone’s true colors.

If there is anything I have learned the hard way, it is that people are generally on their “best behavior” when they first meet a potential new partner.

Once the initial courtship is over, the masks fall off and what you’re left with is often not what you expected. But when is enough, enough? There are some real telltale signs that hint he is not doing his part in the relationship. ​

Give it some time so you can get to know the person he is. Maybe your man is just starting to feel comfortable with you, and you’re stuck in a learning curve as you transition to the next, more comfortable, phase of your relationship.

The honeymoon phase can’t last forever, and eventually, the realities of everyday life start to set in, which can be a natural adjustment period.

How Do You Know When The Relationship Is Over?

If your boyfriend doesn’t put effort into the relationship, it might be worth asking yourself the simple question – is this relationship worth fighting for? Can you truly see a future with this person?

If there are additional red flags in the relationship, it might be time to break it off. Does he instigate fights? Does he shy away from ever talking about feelings?

It’s going to be hard to make a future with someone who isn’t willing to step outside of his comfort zone to make it work.

It all boils down to what you want in a partner and what you can tolerate in the name of love. Using communication, openness, and self-reflection will allow you to see the situation clearly and fairly to make the best decision for both you and your partner.

As someone who based many past relationships primarily on “the spark,” this has been a hard question for me to answer.

A wise woman (again, my mother) once told me – chemistry doesn’t hold your hand when you have a sick partner.

A genuine and reliable partner does those things, and it isn’t always pretty or romantic. Your partner should walk through life next to you, even at times when you might not feel that exciting spark.

Don’t stay in a dead relationship based on comfort or fear of being alone. Your partner should lift you up.

He should bring adventure and joy to your life, not confusion and pain. If you’re questioning your man’s commitment to you and your needs, he may not be the right person. Some things are just deal breakers!

How Do I Make My Boyfriend Realize My Value?

Being taken for granted sucks, especially when you are putting effort into a relationship. So, how do you make him see your worth again? Check out these tips: 

Give Him Space

It’s true that absence makes the heart grow fonder. There’s a reason he couldn’t get enough of you at the initial stages of your relationship. You were an enigma. He didn’t know what you were up to. This is why he made an effort to know you more.

I know, it’s hard, but giving him space is how you will reignite the sparks of romance. So, where to start? 

How about applying the 80/20 rule to your texting habits? Let me explain. Don’t text him every single moment of the day, even if you want to. I know you mean well, but calling or texting your boyfriend all the time only makes you seem too available. 

So, put your phone down and take control of your relationship. Seriously, once he realizes that the stream of attention has dried up, he will do everything to win you back. From calling randomly to sending you voice notes, he will do everything just to know what you are up to. 

Be Lazy

If you are like me, then you do a lot for your man. Now, I know that this comes from a good place. After all, you want him to be happy and comfortable. However, if he is taking you for granted, then going on a mini strike is just what the doctor ordered. 

Don’t do anything drastic, it’s the little things that count. Take a day for yourself. Don’t do his laundry or pick his favorite meal on the way home. 

Your boyfriend probably doesn’t realize how much better you make his life. Pull back, and he will instantly realise your worth when his life becomes chaotic. I know, this sounds selfish. But, unless he is reminded of your value, then he will keep taking you for granted. He has to realize that your relationship is symbiotic. You have expectations and needs he should fulfill. 

You don’t have to prioritize his needs; there’s a lot of other activities you can do. Meet up with your friends, hit the gym, or even take a trip. The point is, he will quickly realize that his well-being is dependent on you.

Stand Your Ground

Love is a battlefield, no kidding. Of course, for the most part, you will be on the same page with your boyfriend. But, it’s impossible to agree on everything. You are bound to have differing views and opinions. 

Don’t make the mistake of going along with things you are not comfortable with just to please him. Agreeing with everything isn’t love; it’s being a pushover. You need to take a stand for yourself. Otherwise, you will end up being miserable in your relationship. 

Look, guys are naturally dominant by nature. By taking a stand for yourself, you show him you have a mind of your own. Be rational in your arguments, clearly explain why you are not okay with his reasoning. You’ll be surprised to know that this will rekindle the sparks of romance in your relationship. 

Think about it. Men are competitive by nature. He will want to earn your approval once he realizes you are your own person. 

How Do I Make My Boyfriend Realize I’m Letting Go And Moving On?

Earlier on, I talked about letting go. Maybe you have tried everything to make him see your value, but he still won’t make an effort. When this happens, you should take the next step, which is: 

Go Silent

I know this sounds dramatic but giving your boyfriend the silent treatment will make him realize something is wrong. Like all men, your boyfriend is a creature of routine. He won’t change as long as everything is going as usual. 

Going silent on him will rock his foundations. He will be hit with the reality that he might lose you at any point. 

Don’t immediately reply to his texts or pick his calls. Start reducing the amount of effort and time you spend with him. Prioritise on other plans. This will send alarm bells his way.

If he is interested in saving the relationship, then he will definitely put in more time and effort into it. He will want to make you feel special again.

Do Your Thing

One of the best ways to make your man realize he is on the clock is by dropping him from your plans. Every happy couple I have met spends a lot of time together. Changing this trend in your relationship is the kick your boyfriend needs. 

Instead of your usual Friday date nights, go out with your friends. Are you tired of him not paying attention to you? Then go where your energy will be appreciated. 

Let’s say you have been dropping hints about a band you like but your guy doesn’t seem to care. Get two tickets for a concert and go with a friend. Your boyfriend will realize you don’t need him to have fun, making him put more effort into your relationship. 

Work On Yourself

Have you ever heard of the valuation principle? People put more value in things they have to work hard to get. By improving yourself, your boyfriend will realize you are determined to keep moving. It’s either he gets on board with you, or he will get left behind. 

Start taking care of yourself, eat healthy foods, and exercise regularly. Pay attention to your clothes, make a statement with your fashion sense. Trust me, it’s the little changes that have the most impact. 

Your forward momentum will pull your man out of his comfort zone. He will want to rise to the challenge, to be the man you need him to be. He will go to lengths to make you feel special and improve himself as well. 

To conclude, when he doesn’t make an effort anymore, always remember that there is room for improvement. It may be about you or him. Just make sure ] you work on becoming the best version of yourself. Take time to learn the person he really is as well. If it all fails, don’t be afraid to let go. You deserve better!