Feeling Like the Only One Trying in Your Relationship? Here’s What You Need to Know

By Robyn Lee

Updated April 2025

Are you feeling something is off lately?

You’ve tried to shake it, to not overthink every little thing. But the truth is—he doesn’t make you feel special anymore. He doesn’t show up for you the way he used to.

The texts feel shorter.

The dates? If they happen at all—it’s last-minute or half-hearted.

And when you finally do spend time together, it’s like he’s somewhere else entirely even though he’s right next to you.

You keep asking yourself the same questions: Am I the only one trying in this relationship? Maybe I’m just reading too much into it?

But deep down, you know you’re not. You’re not looking for grand gestures. You just want to feel like he cares. Like you matter. Like you’re not always the one pulling the weight in this relationship.

He used to make you feel like a priority. He’d listen, plan things, actually try. Now? It’s like he takes you for granted. 

And even though he tried harder in the beginning, now it feels like you’re just… there.

You’ve already told him how you feel. More than once. He says he cares…but then shows no effort. And nothing changes.

You don’t want to nag. You don’t want to be the “needy girlfriend.” But you’re also tired of being the only one who cares. 

Tired of wondering if the problem is you. Tired of feeling like you’re slowly being pushed to the bottom of his priority list, right behind his friends, his phone, and pretty much everything else.

And the most painful thought of all? You’re starting to wonder if he still loves you—because it doesn’t feel like he does.

Let’s talk about what to do when he stops putting in effort.

Are You Stuck Waiting for Him to Care Again?

When effort fades, it’s easy to start assuming the worst.

He doesn’t care anymore. He used to chase me, now he’s distant. He used to prioritize me—now I’m barely on his radar. Maybe this is just how guys are. They lose interest.

In my experience, these thoughts often shape how we respond to the issue—and how much we’re willing to hold on, even when things feel off.

• If you believe he simply doesn’t care, you might feel like your only option is to prove your worth or hope he remembers why he liked you in the first place.
  
• If you believe men just lose interest over time, it’s easy to convince yourself this is inevitable and maybe you’re just overreacting.

So you try to communicate your feelings. You explain what’s bothering you, hoping that if he really hears you, he’ll change. And when nothing shifts? You start questioning yourself instead.

Maybe I’m expecting too much.

The problem is, once you start internalizing the issue, you don’t allow yourself to shift to a more important question: 

Is this behavior acceptable to me?

Instead of setting boundaries, you wait. You hope things will go back to the way they were. You might even pull back a little, afraid to speak up again for fear of sounding clingy or demanding.

But here’s what may happen in that dynamic:

• You wait for things to improve—giving him time, but not giving yourself clarity.
  
• You quietly stay hurt—and without meaning to, you might be showing him that you’ll stick around, even when you’re running on emotional fumes.
  
• You avoid bringing it up again—just to keep the peace. But really, you’re keeping things exactly the same, staying in a relationship that isn’t emotionally meeting your needs.
  
• In the process, something shifts. Your self-respect may start to erode. You begin to question your value. You still care deeply for him—but deep down, you’re holding together a relationship that feels painfully one-sided. And you can’t help but notice other couples who seem to have the emotional connection you used to have with your man.

So what’s the alternative?

You don’t need to yell, beg, or issue ultimatums. 

What you need is a moment of truth: 

• What do I actually need? 
• What am I no longer willing to accept? 
• And if nothing changes…what happens next?

Because when you get clear with yourself, you stop waiting for him to decide the future of the relationship—you start deciding for yourself.

What to Do When He Doesn’t See His Lack of Effort as a Problem

It’s easy to assume he knows exactly how you feel—and just doesn’t care. But in many cases, what feels like emotional neglect to you might not even register as a problem to him.

From his perspective, things may seem…fine.

From what I’ve seen, some partners may believe the relationship is just settling into a more comfortable phase. The initial excitement and effort were part of the beginning—but now that things feel familiar, he might see the shift as normal, not concerning.

He used to try harder in the beginning, and now he may think the change is just how relationships evolve.

When he spends more time with his friends, he may view it as maintaining independence—not distancing himself. To him, it could feel like a healthy balance, even though it feels like rejection to you.

And when you bring up your feelings, he might genuinely believe you’re making a big deal out of something small. If emotional conversations feel uncomfortable or unfamiliar to him, he may not understand why it matters so much to you.

These perceptions shape how he responds. Not necessarily out of malice, but because from where he’s standing, there’s no urgent problem to fix.

So what does that look like in action?

• Minimal engagement: If he doesn’t think anything’s wrong, he’s not going to change anything.
  
• Dismissive comments: “I don’t get why you’re upset.” “You’re being too sensitive.” These phrases shut down the conversation instead of opening it up.
  
• Tuning out. Since he’s not in distress, he may assume the whole thing will just blow over—and treat it like it’s not worth digging into.

Again, this doesn’t excuse the behavior—but it does help explain the gap in communication you may be experiencing. You’re asking for deeper connection, and he may be operating from a completely different emotional map.

Understanding that gap won’t fix everything—but it can help you communicate more clearly, set stronger boundaries, and start making decisions that feel more aligned with what you want.

But underneath all of this — the missed effort, the disconnect, the one-sided feeling — something else might be happening. Something deeper than just “he doesn’t care.”

Let’s talk about what could really be going on.

What Might Really Be Going On When He Stops Trying in Your Relationship

Sometimes, the distance isn’t about a loss of love. In some relationships, it’s more about falling into patterns that neither partner fully sees happening in the moment.

Let’s explore a few possibilities together—because understanding the why can give you clarity about what you want to do next.

Here’s a few possibilities worth considering:

1. When Comfort Turns Into Complacency

What feels like disconnection to you might feel like security to him.

In his mind, the relationship is just in a “settled” phase—less texting, fewer date nights, but still solid. It’s a sign that things are stable. To you, it feels like the spark is fading.

Once someone feels secure, they may gradually stop doing the little things that made you feel special in the beginning. This isn’t because they don’t care, but because they think they don’t have to try anymore.

He may assume the connection is strong enough to coast. But you’re left wondering where the attention went.

2. When You Crave Closeness — And He Craves Independence

You might be craving emotional closeness and deeper conversations. He might be craving space and time alone.

It doesn’t mean one of you is wrong—it just means your needs are different right now.

If what you’re each hoping for in a relationship feels very different, the misalignment can start to wear on you—especially when you’re the one always initiating.

3. Sometimes It’s Stress — Not Disconnection

Not all distance is personal.

If he’s feeling stressed or overwhelmed, he might pull back—not to hurt you, but because he’s trying to deal with whatever’s going on in his own way.

Still, it affects you. And you deserve to feel connected, even when life gets hard.

4. He Didn’t Say It — But You Can Feel It

This one really stings. Some people don’t know how to have hard conversations, so they just… back away. A little less affection. A little more silence. Until one day, you’re questioning if you imagined how close you used to be.

For some, avoidance feels easier than honesty. And that’s why it’s important to determine what’s important to you, so you guide the narrative.

5. When His Circle Shapes How He Shows Up for You

If he’s surrounded by people who treat relationships like a joke—or make emotional connections sound “soft”—he might be dialing down the effort to blend in.

Peer pressure doesn’t end in high school. Sometimes it just gets a bit sneakier.

6. This Might Feel Normal to Him — But It Doesn’t Have to Be for You

If closeness wasn’t something he grew up seeing or learning, he might not have the tools to stay emotionally connected for an extended period.

What feels cold or careless to you might feel completely “normal” to him—because it’s all he’s ever known.

It might feel like he’s taking you for granted—but to him, this might just feel like what a relationship looks like once things have settled.

These possibilities don’t explain everything—but they can give you a broader lens to reflect on what’s happening, beyond just ‘he stopped caring.”

Whether you’re lovable is not in question.

It’s about whether the version of connection he’s offering is enough for you.

When you start to see why he’s showing less effort, it becomes easier to decide what you want to do next.

Let’s talk about that.

How to Say What You Need (So He’ll Actually Listen)

When you’re feeling disconnected, it’s natural to want to talk about it right now. Especially when the weight of it has been sitting on your chest for days, maybe weeks.

But here’s the truth: timing really does matter.

Trying to talk when he’s tired, annoyed, or glued to his phone? That’s a recipe for shutdown—or defensiveness.

This is because emotionally charged conversations need space to land.

Instead, wait for a moment when you’re both relaxed and not rushing to be anywhere. This could be after dinner, on a quiet night in, or even during a calm weekend afternoon. The more emotionally neutral the environment, the more likely he is to really hear you.

Once you’ve got the timing right, what comes next is being intentional with how you communicate.

Here’s how to speak from the heart without triggering his walls to go up:

1. Start Gently, Not Accusing

Most conversations go off the rails in the first few seconds of engagement. That’s why it’s important to lead calmly, without blame. 

Instead of “You never make time for me anymore,” try “I’ve been missing our one-on-one time lately, and I wanted to talk to you about it.”

2. Stick to What You’ve Noticed, Not What You Assume

I’ve found it helps to speak to what you’ve actually seen or experienced, rather than what you’re guessing is going on underneath. Avoid “You don’t care” or “You never try”—these feel like character attacks. 

Try saying what you’ve actually noticed: “We haven’t spent much quality time together lately, and I really miss that.”

When you focus on what’s real rather than assumptions, you’re more likely to be heard—even if it feels like your boyfriend stopped trying in the relationship.

3. Make It About Us — Not Just Me vs. You

When you frame the conversation as a shared experience, it becomes less about blame and more about connection. “I feel like we’ve been in a bit of a routine, and I’d love to find ways to reconnect” is much more inviting than “I feel like I’m doing everything alone.”

4. Most Men Want to Get It Right — They Just Need to Know How

He can’t meet a need he doesn’t understand. Be specific without being demanding. Something like, “Would you be open to spending a night just for us each week?” gives him something clear and easy to act on.

5. Give Him Space to Process — Stay Steady in What You Need

You’ve been carrying this frustration for a while, but it might catch him off guard. If he says he didn’t realize, give him space to process. If he gets defensive, try to steady the conversation with, “I’m not trying to argue—I just want us to understand each other better.”

This kind of approach can make a real difference—especially when you’re dealing with a lack of effort or just feeling emotionally out of sync.

6. End with Appreciation — Not Pressure

Even if he doesn’t fully agree, showing appreciation for the conversation helps keep the door open. A simple, “Thanks for hearing me out—I really care about us,” reinforces that this was about connection, not criticism.

Especially if you’ve been feeling like he said that he loves you but makes no effort, this closing tone can soften the impact and help the message land.

When you lead with care, clarity, and curiosity, you create space for more connection—whatever that might look like for the two of you. This isn’t about having the perfect conversation, saying everything exactly right—it’s about opening the door to understanding instead of triggering defensiveness. 

A thought out conversation like this gives him a better chance of hearing what you’re truly feeling, instead of just reacting to how it’s delivered. 

Delivery of conversations matter. And it’s smart to take time to see how you’ll approach it so you can remain grounded when talking to him. 

Even thinking about how you’ll respond if he’s not receptive is a powerful emotional move in itself.

And of course — even the most intentional conversation can still be met with the wrong reaction. If that happens, don’t worry — we’ll talk about what to do next.

What If He Still Doesn’t Make an Effort?

So…you talked. You were honest. You were calm.

You showed up with vulnerability—and hoped he would, too.

But nothing changed.

When you’ve laid your heart on the table and it’s met with silence, defensiveness, accusations, or flat-out indifference, it’s hard not to take it personally. But before your thoughts start to spiral, pause. Take a breath—actually, take three.

This is where the focus gently shifts—from him…to you.

Ask yourself:

• Is this just a temporary slump, or has this been going on for a while?
  
• Does he seem open to change—or does he brush off what matters to me?
  
• If nothing changes, am I okay staying in a relationship that feels one-sided?

These aren’t easy questions, but they’re necessary. Because the way he responds—or doesn’t—says something. It gives you clues about where he is and what he’s willing to show up for.

Information about where he is.

About what he’s willing (or not willing) to invest.

About whether this relationship is still growing—or slowly fading.

Every woman deserves to feel heard within her relationship. To feel chosen—not as an afterthought, but as someone who matters deeply.

And if you’re not getting that—even after doing the work to reconnect—the most loving thing left to do is to choose yourself.

When His Effort Fades: What Comes Next?

Even the strongest relationships go through ups and downs—but when effort disappears and conversations go nowhere, it’s time to pay attention. This isn’t about blame. It’s about understanding the patterns at play and deciding what you’re willing to accept.

Key Takeaways:

• A drop in effort doesn’t always mean he doesn’t care—but it does signal a disconnect worth addressing.
  
• He may see the situation differently—what feels like distance to you might feel normal to him.
  
• Many factors can influence his behavior, from emotional immaturity to external stress or unhealthy role models.
  
• Timing and tone matter. A calm, clear conversation creates space for understanding—not defensiveness.
  
• If he still doesn’t respond after you’ve spoken up with care, his inaction becomes your answer.
  

Every relationship hits rough patches, but effort should never be one-sided. You don’t have to fight to be valued. Trust yourself enough to ask the hard questions—and brave enough to make a change if the answers aren’t what you hoped for.