You Want Your Ex-Boyfriend Back. Here’s What to Do Next

A breakup can make you want to fix everything immediately.

Maybe your boyfriend left you for someone else. Maybe he decided the relationship wasn’t working anymore. Maybe the two of you had a huge argument and things ended in a way neither of you expected. You might have even been the one who initiated the breakup, only to realize afterward that you want him back.

Whatever happened, now you’re sitting with the same thought:

How do I get my ex-boyfriend back?

I understand why that becomes the question. When someone has been such a big part of your life, losing the relationship can hurt in ways you weren’t prepared for. And if he seems to be going about his life just fine while you’re struggling, that can make it hurt even more.

But before you start figuring out what to text him, how long you should wait to call, or what might make him miss you, I think there’s a more important question:

Do you actually want the relationship back, or do you just desperately want this pain to stop?

Those aren’t always the same thing.

You may eventually decide that you absolutely want another chance with him. That’s okay. But I wouldn’t make getting him back the goal that determines everything you do after the breakup.

Give yourself enough room to figure out what you want too.

Before You Try to Get Your Ex Back, Ask Why You Broke Up

Think back over the relationship before things ended.

Were there warning signs?

Did your boyfriend repeatedly bring up concerns that you ignored or didn’t think were important at the time? Were there things you kept asking him to change that never changed? Had one or both of you been unhappy for a while?

Try to look at those issues without immediately turning them into a plan for getting him back. You may realize that some of his concerns were valid and there are things you genuinely want to work on. Not because doing so will make him return, but because you can see how those things affected your relationship and perhaps even you.

You may also realize that the problems weren’t things you’re willing to accept or change.

That’s important too.

Sometimes being left makes us focus so much on rejection that we forget whether we were happy.

If he called tomorrow and said, “I made a mistake. Let’s get back together,” would you want the actual relationship you had?

Not the beginning. Not the best memories. Not the relationship you hoped it would eventually become.

The relationship as it actually was.

Your answer can tell you quite a bit.

Give Yourself Space Before You Try to Fix Anything

Right after a breakup, emotions can be all over the place. You may want to call and apologize for everything you’ve ever done. A few hours later, you might want to text him and explain exactly why this is all his fault.

Then you miss him again.

This is probably not the best time to make major decisions about the future of the relationship.

If you’ve already called too many times, sent the long text, begged him to reconsider, or said something out of anger, you don’t have to keep doing it simply because you’ve already started.

You can stop.

Give him the space he has asked for, but also give some of that space to yourself. You don’t need to immediately convince him that breaking up was a mistake.

Let things be where they are for a little while.

Stop Trying to Convince Him to Change His Mind

One of the hardest things about a breakup is accepting that you can’t control the other person’s decision.

You can explain yourself. You can apologize for something you genuinely regret. You can tell him you would be open to working things out.

But after you’ve communicated what you need to communicate, there comes a point when continuing to call, text, plead, argue, or explain isn’t giving him new information.

You’re trying to get a different answer.

I’ve learned in other areas of my life that there’s a difference between taking action and trying to force a particular outcome. Breakups can make that distinction especially hard to see because the outcome feels so important.

You may believe that if you could just find the right words, remind him of the right memory, or get him to understand one more thing, everything would change.

Maybe it would.

But you can’t spend every day trying to manufacture that moment.

At some point, he has to be allowed to make his decision. And you have to be allowed to start making yours.

Figure Out What Your Life Looks Like Without Him

This part isn’t about pretending you don’t care.

You don’t need to post pictures with other men so your ex thinks you’ve moved on. You don’t have to disappear in hopes that he’ll become curious about what you’re doing.

Instead, genuinely start finding out what your life looks like without the relationship taking up so much of it.

Were there friends you stopped seeing as often? Things you enjoyed doing that somehow fell away? Goals that got pushed to the side?

Maybe there are parts of your life that have nothing to do with your ex that need your attention now. And yes, sometimes staying occupied helps simply because you’re not sitting around thinking about the breakup every second of the day.

But I think there’s something bigger happening too.

You’re remembering that you exist outside of this relationship.

That matters whether he comes back or not.

Be Open to the Possibility That You May Not Get Back Together

This may be one of the hardest parts.

You can want your ex back and still make room for the possibility that the two of you won’t end up together. Those thoughts aren’t contradictory.

You can love someone and hope things work out while also recognizing that you don’t know what your life will look like a year from now.

I used to think about it as:

He could be the man for me, or God could have someone better for me.

For me, the important part of that thought wasn’t imagining some mysterious better man waiting around the corner. It was releasing the idea that there was only one acceptable outcome.

I have to get him back is a very different place to live from I would like for us to work this out, but I trust that my life can still be good if we don’t.

That doesn’t mean the breakup suddenly stops hurting.

It means your entire future isn’t hanging on one person’s decision.

Don’t Put Your Life on Hold While You Wait for Him

One of the easiest things to do after a breakup is remain emotionally committed to a relationship that no longer exists.

You aren’t together, but you’re still waiting.

You don’t make certain plans because maybe he’ll call. You don’t allow yourself to consider anyone else because maybe he’ll come back. Every time your phone goes off, part of you hopes it’s him.

Give yourself permission to keep living.

That doesn’t mean you need to start dating immediately. I wouldn’t put an arbitrary timeline on when you should meet someone else.

If you’re not ready, you’re not ready.

But when you genuinely become interested in dating again, you don’t have to remain unavailable because your ex might eventually decide he wants another chance.

Meeting someone else isn’t a strategy for making him jealous. It’s simply one of the possibilities available to you now.

If Your Ex Comes Back, Pay Attention to What He’s Actually Offering

This is where things can get confusing.

Your ex may contact you again. He might say he misses you. Maybe he wants to see you, starts calling regularly again, or suddenly seems much more interested now that you’ve had some time apart.

That doesn’t necessarily mean you’re getting back together.

Pay attention to what he’s actually offering rather than filling in the rest yourself.

If you want a committed relationship and he’s offering occasional late-night conversations, that’s not the same thing.

If he wants to be intimate again but doesn’t want to discuss rebuilding the relationship, you don’t have to accept that arrangement because you’re afraid saying no will push him away.

And if he’s lonely and misses having you around, that still doesn’t tell you whether he’s prepared to work on whatever caused the breakup.

You can be happy to hear from him without immediately returning to the role you had when you were his girlfriend.

Find out what this actually is.

Before Getting Back Together, Ask What’s Actually Changed

Let’s say he does want you back.

Before jumping right back into the relationship, return to the question you asked at the beginning:

Why did we break up?

What’s different now?

If communication was the problem, have the two of you learned anything about communicating differently? If one of you felt neglected, has anything changed that would make the relationship feel different this time?

If trust was broken, what would rebuilding it actually require? If there was a fundamental incompatibility between you, has that incompatibility disappeared—or do you simply miss each other?

Missing someone is real.

So is loving someone.

Neither one automatically fixes what wasn’t working.

Getting back together can absolutely be something you decide you want. But I would want to know that you’re rebuilding the relationship rather than simply restarting it.

You Can Want Him Back Without Losing Yourself

Wanting your ex-boyfriend back doesn’t make you weak or desperate. You loved someone. You built a relationship with him. Of course part of you may want another chance.

But wanting another chance doesn’t mean you have to spend the weeks after your breakup trying to make him curious, jealous, worried, or afraid of losing you.

You don’t have to turn yourself into a prize he needs to chase.

Instead, use this time to get clear.

Look honestly at the relationship you had. Give yourself room to feel what you’re feeling without acting on every emotion. Start rebuilding the parts of your life that belong to you.

Then, if he comes back, you can decide what you want from a much clearer place.

And if he doesn’t, you’ll already have started doing something that may eventually matter even more:

Building a life that doesn’t require him to come back in order for you to be okay.