How long should you date before getting married?
When we originally wrote this article, we leaned pretty heavily toward one answer: longer is better.
The more time you spend together, we reasoned, the more you’ll learn about each other before making such a big commitment.
I still think there’s truth in that. But when I revisit the question now, I don’t think the calendar is nearly as informative as we made it sound.
There isn’t a magic number of months or years that tells you when you’re ready for marriage.
Time gives you opportunities to learn about each other. What matters is what you’ve learned during that time.
Have You Seen Enough of Each Other?
Early relationships don’t always tell you very much about what life together will actually be like.
You’re excited and probably putting your best foot forward. There may not have been many disagreements yet, so it’s easy to assume the way things feel right now is the way they’ll always feel.
Eventually, more of ordinary life enters the relationship.
You begin to see how each other handles stress and disappointment, and differences start to surface. A real disagreement may show you whether you can work through it without trying to hurt each other, shut each other down, or pretend nothing happened.
That doesn’t mean you need to experience every possible hardship together before getting married. You certainly don’t need to create tests for your relationship.
But time can give you the chance to see more than the version of each other that exists when everything is new and going well.
That’s useful information.
Have You Talked About the Life You’re Actually Planning?
It’s possible to date someone for years without talking seriously about the things that will eventually shape a marriage.
Children, money, careers, where you want to live, and the role extended family will play in your lives can become major decisions you’ll make together. The same is true of expectations around sex, household responsibilities, lifestyle, religion, values, and what commitment itself means to each of you.
You don’t have to agree about everything. But you should know where the important differences are.
This is where I think the question of how long to date before getting engaged becomes less about reaching a particular anniversary and more about whether you’ve had enough honest conversations to understand the commitment you’re considering.
Dating longer can give you more information.
It doesn’t guarantee that you’ll pay attention to it.
Are You Marrying the Relationship You Actually Have?
One idea from the original article still holds up particularly well:
Marriage isn’t a magic pill.
If there are serious problems in your relationship now, getting married doesn’t automatically resolve them. A wedding won’t create trust that isn’t there, make recurring conflict disappear, or turn someone into the partner you’re hoping they’ll eventually become.
That’s why I’d pay less attention to whether you’ve been together for the “right” amount of time and more attention to the relationship you’re actually in.
Think about how the two of you communicate and what happens when something isn’t working. Can difficult things be discussed? Do you feel able to be yourself? Are problems something you can address together?
And perhaps most importantly, are you choosing this person and this relationship—or the future version of both that you’re hoping marriage will create?
So, How Long Should Couples Date Before Marriage?
Long enough to know more than the best of each other.
What that means will vary from one couple to another. Age, life experience, how much time you actually spend together, and the kinds of experiences you’ve shared can all affect how well you know one another.
That’s why I wouldn’t give you a number and tell you that once you’ve reached it, you’re ready.
Time matters, but not because accumulating enough months somehow makes a marriage safer. It matters because those months give you opportunities to learn about each other and about the relationship you’re building.
Pay attention to what those opportunities are showing you.
Instead of only asking, “Have we dated long enough to get married?” it may be more useful to ask whether you know enough about yourselves, each other, and the relationship you’re actually in to make this decision together.