“When I have dated in the past, I have been so excited that the guy was interested in me like I was interested in him that I realized I may have been smothering him.
I felt if I gave him a foot of space, he would go somewhere else and not come back. Which seems to happen to me more often than not.
I’m having trouble meeting men who will stick around. Things aren’t looking up yet. I’m using dating sites. I’m not a club person and I don’t have a lot of money to go out. What do you suggest I do to get a date and to keep him interested?”
Guest Poster: Marvin Barrett
Marvin helps single women identify and avoid dating non-committal men and find their Mr. Right. He coaches women to identify the best places to meet the right men for them, read the signals men display when uncommitted and how to attract the right guy to approach them. Learn how to meet and find the right man for you.
First things first.
If you give a man a foot of space and he decides to go elsewhere, good riddance. He’s just saved you many months or years of pain. If you can’t give a man a foot of space without fearing he won’t come back, then he ain’t right for you – period!
So don’t get too hung up on that.
However, for your own benefit, you may want to look at why these men are bailing out on you at the first sign of space.
Is it because you come across needy or desperate? Are you sending out needy and desperate signals? Believe it or not, men can generally tell when a woman is insecure and has a “I want a man today” complex. Just as women can tell a guy who’s motives are just about sex, it shows in their behaviour. Could this be happening to you?
Are you picking up “low value men”? One potential problem may be that the men you’re attracting may be insecure people also. Men who prey on a woman’s vulnerability. (e.g players, womanisers, losers etc). These men typically like women who they feel are needy. It boosts their ego and it is easier work for them.
Where or how are you meeting these men? Often, where we meet people can influence the way we interact with them. As a result, we tend to associate certain thoughts and feelings towards the people we meet along with the environment we met them in.
The same guy could meet you in two different places and have two different perceptions of you. In order to identify ideal places to meet your Mr Right, you’ll
need to have a firm picture in your mind of the type of person he is and what is likely to interest him, so that you can position yourself in those places. By the way, these do not need to be places that cost you money either.
Let me just round off a few key tips for you to think about when it comes to keep a man interested:
1. Have interesting things to talk about – nothing worse than an attractive woman who has got very little to add in a way of conversation. The best things to talk about are generally things you’re passionate about and love learning more about. Avoid boring mumbo jumbo like jobs, tv, gossip etc. I know it usually is of interest to most women for several reasons but before that show you have substance.
2. Show Your Sense of Humour Often – In my experience and hearing from other men, men love to be around women who know how to have a laugh and can engage in banter. If you can do that, you’ll go a long way in making a man feel comfortable and alive in your presence.
3. Don’t always be available to him – I know this seems a bit like “game playing” and maybe it is. After all, relationship building should be fun otherwise what’s the point right? Carry on with your life. You had a life before he came into it, so don’t forget that. Keep yourself occupied, don’t always be available to meet him on his terms. Switch it up occasionally. Basically, don’t become too predictable otherwise you won’t represent a worthy chase in his eyes.
The key to keeping people interested in anything life, not just relationships, is to keep things fresh. Do things differently every now and then. Take a break from it and return to it more keener. When you’re together, be engaged. Be present. Be curious about the dynamics between you. Share your stories and experiences with enthusiasm and passion and listen to his with the same. To me, it’s the very simple stuff that matters most but it’s the simple stuff that is often overlooked.
Last and not least, have fun. Don’t forget your worth and value either. Whilst you want to keep him interested, show that your also a woman worth being interested in also. The 3 tips above will help along your way and keep you focused on the right things.
Hi, thanks a million. I have learnt a lot from this.
Thanks for answering my question. It helps to hear a man’s point of view on this. I have just recently realized that I am needy and maybe a little desperate. And it’s because I’ve been single for soooo long (over 10 yrs). So while I’m learning all I can to be prepared for when the relationship actually comes, how do I stop being so needy? How do I get to the first date without seeming like a stalker or desperate? Thanks again.
Hi E
I think it’s natural for many of us to act a bit too keen when it’s been a long time without something that we ultimately want. Which 10 years is a fair bit of time to be out of the dating pool.
How to stop being needy is about not needing something in the first place. As I mentioned before its best to continue with your life. Fill your life with people who offer you good company. Meet new and different people but without any expectations other than to just enjoy each others company and learn about each other.
Neediness comes from a lack of something or a void that’s waiting to be filled. You seem to want a man who can keep you company and share things with. Instead of actively seeking it, do things with people, go out to places and enjoy yourself with people you can get along with first. If you’re doing that, you won’t feel such a big need to seek it elsewhere and it will happen for naturally.
Hi Marvin,
I also learned a lot from your post. Thank you for the encouragement. I have a question I am hoping you may take a minute to give me perspective on. It is about my ex. He ended things with me 9 years ago. He is still in touch with me to this day. He calls me and talks for hours for years but insists he has no feelings for me. I made all the mistakes a woman can, being desperate, begging him back until I got a clue and got myself together. I still want to be with him, but I don’t know how he feels. He freezes up when it comes to feelings, is he only using me? Are my chances with him completely over? Is there any way I can know for sure? I never contact him first but let him contact me. Thanks for listening, I wish I knew what to do! P.S. He lives across the country from me so as much as we talk I never know how to create the chance of seeing him again.
Hi, thanks a million. I have learnt a lot from this.