Relationship Blackbook

Strategies To Attract Your Perfect Love - Lessons To Build A Lasting Relationship

Robyn Lee

I’m In Love With My Friend

Dear Robyn,

I am in love with one of my close friends and I want to know how to make him fall in love with me.

Aisha

Dear Aisha,

Being “in love” with a friend is something that should be handled very carefully.

You don’t want to outright say that you like him and then things become very awkward between the two of you.

But you do want to know whether he shares the same feelings for you.

And I believe it’s best to know where you stand early on. This is because if he is your “dream man”, you are probably not considering dating other men because you feel that he is “the one”.

So I would recommend nipping whether he has some interest in you in the bud right away.

Here’s what I would suggest:

1. Stop calling him so much

If you are calling him constantly, even if he is interested he has no room to pursue you because you are always the one initiating things.

2. Do things differently

Depending on how long you have known your friend, he has already “sized you up” and determined whether you are someone he would want to date or not.

As long as you make no changes, he is using the same information to confirm his decision that you are “just a friend”.

Now this can be tricky, but sometimes it can be pulled off.

If you are always dressed in jogging pants and a ponytail when you see him, change it up a little bit. If you wear the same perfume everyday, switch brands (another one that you like).

Note: It is important to understand that I am not saying that you should change yourself. You are just showing your best self.

Wear your hair down, do something different that shows your best self.

I’ll show you how this worked in my life.

I had a friend that I was not sure about, mainly because he always smelled like pepper. He was a good looking guy and we had good conversation but I felt that he must have never washed his coat because he always smelled like pepper to me.

This was a huge turn off. Long story short, as I got to know him I found out it was actually a cologne that he wore “Tommy Bahama” – will never forget it.

He changed his cologne and all of a sudden I became more attracted to him.  We dated for a while after that.

Now, this will only work with the physical aspect of attraction. I wouldn’t suggest changing anything beyond that.

3. Don’t take a lot of time to figure this out

Don’t spend a lot of time trying to get him to pursue you. Ultimately everyone gets to decide what they like and what they don’t.

Just because he doesn’t like you doesn’t make him a bad person. He makes his decisions the same as you make your decisions.

If he doesn’t ask you out or show more interest when you are not calling and changing a few physical attributes…MOVE ON. There will be other men who will love what you have to offer.

My Guest Poster: Marvin Barrett

Marvin helps single women identify and avoid dating non-committal men and find their Mr. Right. He coaches women to identify the best places to meet the right men for them, read the signals men display when uncommitted and how to attract the right guy to approach them. Learn how to meet and find the right man for you.

From A Man’s Perspective:

Something about this seems a little ‘fishy’.

“Trying” to get a man to fall in love with you seems a little “shady” and “needy” and isn’t a game worth your time.

If “being you” hasn’t been enough for your close friend to notice your qualities and potential as a long-term partner up until now, then it’s very likely that he never will.

Since he’s close friend of yours, I’m sure that he has considered the idea of “you” in his mind at some point or another and has decided which ‘zone’ you best fit: –

“She’s cool but wouldn’t enter a long-term relationship with her” (friends) or “I want her and would enter a long-term relationship her.” (relationship material)

If he placed you in the “I would enter a long-term relationship with you” zone, then you wouldn’t need to get him to fall in love with you because he would be trying to win your heart and attention without you needing to because he has already identified you as a woman he wants to be with.

But I doubt that he sees you in this way, hence why you now feel compelled to “make” him feel something that he doesn’t but want him to.

I don’t think you can consciously make someone fall in love with you by “figuring” out what to do.

Seduction “gurus” might tell you otherwise, and whilst certain “tricks and techniques” may work in the short term, they’re worthless when you want to create a long-term fulfilling relationship because it’s not sustainable.

They’re not based on authenticity or “the real you” and for a guy to fall in love with you, you need to be ALL you and not a woman who is trying to win his love or approval by trying to “figure” out what to do.

That is likely to come across as “needy” or “trying to hard.”

However, I would say continue being good friends and just relax and show your best qualities whereever possible, on the phone or in person because you do have them and if you confidently show them, you may start to get the attention you want without really trying.

If you want a starting point, I recommend that you ask him what qualities he seeks in a woman he would want to settle down with as well as the attributes that wouldn’t make him want to.

When you figure out what he looks for then it will become much easier for you to ascertain whether or not you’re the woman for him or if he’s the right man for you because you may not favour some of the things he looks for and so if that’s the case, you can move forward knowing that you know it’s not a match.

But if you discover what he looks for and believe you possess the qualities and attributes he desires and can fulfil those needs and desires without compromising who you are then go for it.

He may eventually begin to see you in a new light since you’ll be showing him subtly that you have what he’s looking for but it’s not certain since he’s known you for a while now.

Thank you so much Marvin for this straight forward male perspective. I know a lot of women appreciate the insight you provided in this post.

I’ve been reading the comments on the post and I’ve also received a lot of emails in my inbox and I just want to address the hurt that a woman can sometimes feel when “in love” with a friend.

It’s the feeling of missing out on the one who is right for you. You may feel that he is the perfect fit and that there is a lot of chemistry and you just fit well together.

And when this happens, you may start to do things you wouldn’t normally do, like disregard the fact that he has a girlfriend or be willing to go above and beyond for him even though you aren’t in a relationship.

It’s tough…I’ve been there.

Just trust and believe that you will eventually be in a relationship with the right man for you.

Thanks for reading this post.

Do you like this post? Then comment & I’ll do more of them:)

He Has A Girlfriend…But I Want Him

Dear Robyn,

So there’s this guy named Cory who I have liked for 6 months now.

We know each other through our families. And I know for a fact he had/has feelings for me.

Right now he has a girl friend, but she’s in college in San Francisco and we’re on the East Coast so I don’t believe it will last with his girlfriend, but I don’t know what to do!

My friends say I should go and talk to him, but I feel like hitting on a taken guy is wrong, but I want to initiate something!

What should I do? Thanks for helping and ask if you need more info.

Angel

Dear Angel,

Thank you so much for your email.

Angel, you might not like what I have to say but I believe it is for the best, and I think you know too:)

Do not hit on this guy if he has a girlfriend. If he has a girlfriend it is a “no fly” zone.

You have to allow him to figure out himself that the relationship isn’t optimal for him. You only want to flirt with men that you can have “free and clear”.

You don’t want to put yourself in an awkward situation where he is still dating his girlfriend and you at the same time. You can end up getting really hurt by him.

You also have to think about if you were dating him. Would you just want him to leave and be with someone else without ending the relationship first?

I would actually suggest leaving the situation alone until you know for sure he is not with his girlfriend anymore and even then you should be careful not to get into anything right away.

I would also suggest dating other men if you are not already, this will keep your mind off the situation. If and when it is the right time to get together, believe me, it will not pass you by.

Thank you for contacting me.

Robyn Lee

He’s Too Busy For Me

Dear Robyn,

There is this guy I had a crush on for the past 7 years.

Initially he asked me out but I declined since I was in a relationship at that time with someone else.

But after a few days I broke up with my boyfriend and I contacted this crush of mine.

He had been ignoring me since the day I said no to him. After a few days we started talking and we sorted out our differences. He told me he really wanted to be with me, but then all of a sudden he seems busy and not keeping in touch with me and is not making any effort to be in touch.

Whenever I call him, he says that he is busy. I’m very much perplexed regarding him. Please guide me on what to do. I really like him a lot.

Hope you help me out. Thank you! – Megan

Dear Megan,

The best thing to do is to allow him his time and when he’s not “busy”, if he is still interested he will contact you.

If you keep contacting him or pursuing him, he doesn’t have to put forth any effort to pursue you.

Men are like rubberbands, they stretch to get some space but then bounce right back…if they are really interested.

You have to realize that it has been 7 years so his feelings for you might not be the same. Take it slow. Don’t expect him to show the interest he did at the beginning, although he might in time.

Let him pursue you and let him take the lead.

More on this topic:

(Warning: me without a filter – I usually put things together so they don’t offend anyone & I probably still will do a little bit of it here because that’s just my nature. But sometimes you can’t get really get detailed in an email without it taking a lot of time)

3 Reasons To Not “Sweat” Him if He’s Not Calling:

1. He’s given you some lame excuse like, “I’m just too busy” or “Now is not the right time but I am really interested” or “I lost my phone & I didn’t have any numbers saved”

If it’s the first couple of months in a relationship, it’s his time to impress you. – So if he has all these excuses in the beginning, it only goes down from here.

What should I do if he’s giving me excuses?

You don’t have to call him out on it, just take his excuse as being valid but file it away in your head. Sometimes there are some valid excuses. But when it becomes too many, it’s fine to just leave him alone.

2. Pursuing in the beginning comes from FEAR.

If you are pursing a guy in the beginning of a relationship, this comes from fear. Fear that there will never be another guy like him, fear that he won’t be interested, fear that you will never have a chance like this again.

Get over it! You are pretty awesome yourself. He should be fearing losing you. The best thing you can do in the beginning is make sure that you are doing the right things to create an environment where he wants to pursue you.

Sometimes a guy won’t call back because he is not interested, which is fine.

But other times a guy won’t call back because you haven’t created an environment where he would want to call back.

I have a friend who gives too much in the beginning when she meets a guy. She tells him her whole life story and is super accommodating. She just screams that she is getting older and wants to get married now – interviewing guys heavily on first dates like they are applying for a position as her husband.

And there are many other things women can do to just turn men off completely. Too many to name in this one post.

It is very important that you take the time to learn and research how to communicate with a man effectively so when he doesn’t call, it’s no big deal. You just know he is not interested.

Which is completely fine! – That’s why I recommend joining my free advanced attraction techniques mini course, because it explains so effectively how to communicate with men, so you never worry about a guy not being interested, you just figure you guys weren’t right for each other and you are happy that he made that easy for you.

He doesn’t have to be interested in you. It’s his choice. Just as you have a choice who you are interested in. It’s called the dating process.

But when you put too much into it, and continue calling and calling you are saying to him that you don’t place a high value on your time or yourself and you become the begging salesperson, “Please date me, please date me”

Noooooooooo! Don’t do it. There are plenty of good men out there, and if you don’t believe it, I feel sorry for you.  Because the good men are available only to those women who believe there are good men out there.

But if you don’t have the tools to attract those good men: mindset, belief, knowing how to treat them & knowing how to get them to pursue you — I can understand how you could be a little fearful.

3. You should busy yourself. – Not that fake type of busy where you are sitting at home alone and you tell him you aren’t available because you are out with friends. – He can see right through that.

I’m talking about actually having a calendar where you are filling it with activities you like. Your life should be more than your work. Get busy.

Sign up for a class, volunteer, plan dates with yourself or your friends.

This doesn’t mean you have to be “too busy” to do anything, but your life should be full enough that it doesn’t even bother you if he doesn’t call for a couple of weeks.

Maybe then you think, “Oh I haven’t heard from ________, we had a really good time the last time we went out, maybe I can give him a QUICK call” – and that is it.

Don’t just focus on one guy. You can date other guys as well to fill up your time. Dating is just getting to know a person. It doesn’t mean that you guys are in a committed relationship. – The only time dating other people becomes a problem is when you are being intimate with several people at once – which is NOT what I mean.

I mean having fun going out with other people and learning about them. Maybe this guy is the one, maybe he isn’t. It won’t matter as much because your life is full and fun regardless.

Waiting For The Right Man

waiting on the right man

by Robyn Lee

I hate waiting.

Because honestly if you had a choice of whether you could get what you wanted now or later, which one would you choose?

If you could choose whether you could have your ideal man now or later, which one would it be?

I get it, it gets pretty lonely out there and it’s nice to have someone to cuddle with, especially when it gets a little bit colder outside, I’m in the Midwest, brrrrrrr….

But a lot of times by being impatient, you really screw yourself over — I did.

Let me explain.

Even though I know the power of waiting and being patient, time and time again I still find myself making silly mistakes that cost me a lot of money, a lot of time, or a lot of grief.

The latest was with my computer.

There was a particular Windows Service Pack update that you MUST leave your computer on for in order for it to install properly.

Instead of letting the update go all the way through, I impatiently turned off my laptop so I could go out and work.

Here’s the funny thing about it.

My laptop went on working fine, with just a few “minor” issues like not being able to print, or not being able to uninstall programs or my computer blacking out when I wanted to install a program. (Notice how easy it is to ignore the big things that go wrong with computers or even…the wrong relationships).

Finally, my computer went completely out on me.

What hurt the most was knowing, had I waited 15 more minutes for the update to install, I would have saved all my information on my computer and saved a whole lot of money.

Are you like me? Are you wanting things right now?

Maybe it’s not being impatient during a Windows update, but maybe you want to be in a relationship…Right Now!

You probably wouldn’t believe how many emails I get from women telling me that they can’t wait for a guy to ask them out so they are going to take matters into their own hands.
I kind of wince when I read these emails because I know they are making a huge mistake.

Not only because I have read and invested in tons of relationship guides and programs but because, I’ve tried it before!

And drum roll please…It absolutely doesn’t work.

You may be fine for a while, just like my computer, but soon things start breaking down in your relationship or interactions (which you might ignore, as I did).

And eventually, the big crash. Everything falls apart and you start to realize you were better off if you didn’t push things to go your way.

Yes, I admit it waiting sucks sometimes. But there are a couple of reasons I feel that you should absolutely wait on the guy who is right for you.

Have you had this feeling before?

You’ve probably heard me say this before, but being pursued by a man is not like any other feeling you can have (not being stalked but pursued).
If you’ve had it before you know!

Allow him to compete for your attention. Don’t make it so easy for him. You are valuable too.

When you take matters in your own hands and ask him out or throw yourself over him, not only are you saying to him that he doesn’t have to work for you, he loses interest also, because he doesn’t have to work for you.

Note: If you want to learn how to get him to notice you without throwing yourself at him or being too obvious, I give ways to do that here, advanced attraction techniques.

It’s similar to him saving up for a big gaming system for months. And then finally getting it. When you are invested in something, you tend to treat it better.

When he’s invested his money in this gaming system, he makes sure that no one misuses it and plus he spends a lot of time with it.

When you get something for free, sometimes you just don’t value it as much as something you spent your hard earned money on or something that took you a lot of time to get.

By allowing him to pursue you, you are putting insurance on your relationship. He will want to stay even when times get tough because he invested a lot of time and energy getting you in the first place.

If it was easy to get you and you were already there, what incentive does he have to stay…you will just as easily come back to him.

But if he had to work for you, he has placed a high value on you and won’t run when things get tough or you make a few mistakes.

What do you think? Do you feel waiting is worth it or should you just go after what you want?

3 Tips on How To Fix My Marriage (You Can Start Today)

couple faceA lot of times when there is trouble in your marriage, it seems that everything would be easier if your spouse would change and do things differently, then you can change your response towards them. But what if your spouse doesn’t think anything is wrong? What if your spouse feels the same way? If YOU made the changes everything would be just fine. This is frustrating and results in a cycle of arguments.

I am going to discuss with you how you can change your marriage drastically without any help from your spouse. I will reveal to you three things you can start doing today that will change the dynamics of your relationship so much your spouse will start to make changes on their own.

One of these things is not like the other

If your marriage has been suffering for a long time, it may be difficult to think of happier times. But I am going to ask you to do just that. All relationships are not horrible all the time. If that were the case you would not have made the commitment to get married.

This might be challenging, but I want you to think about some times when you had a happy marriage or a happy relationship. How did YOU act? Were you nicer to your spouse? Were you more supportive? Were you more understanding?

It can be helpful to respond to your spouse in the way you had previously when your marriage was going well. Sometimes, just a change of response to your spouse gets them to change their behavior towards you. Your understanding, loving, caring behavior towards them may make a huge difference in their behavior towards you.

What happens when you keep on doing the same things?

You get the same results. So why is it that people think if they yell louder at their spouse or continue to express their feelings in the same way that something magical will happen and their spouse will finally get it? If you have been trying things to improve your relationship but they have not been working, I want you to write them down.

You will want to keep a journal of what actions or techniques you are using that are getting you the desired results you want and which ones are just yielding more of the same behavior from your spouse. The strategies that are working, keep doing them. If there are strategies that you have been using for a period of time and they are just causing things to become worse, stop doing them.

Releasing control

Sometimes the easiest thing to do when there are problems in the marriage is to blame the other person. “If only he would listen to men things would be better.” “If only she would help out around the house things would be better.” “If only they would stop drinking things would be better.” – One thing is for certain, it is easier to change yourself then trying to change anyone else.

You might feel that you are the “good” spouse and you are doing all the right things in your marriage. But your spouse might feel differently. Being committed to change will be helpful in saving your marriage since oftentimes both spouses don’t see the problem or one spouse just might not be willing to work on the marriage.

Your commitment to change will be vitally important because one of you will have to do things differently to make things better in the marriage and since you can’t MAKE your partner do what you want, you will need to find out what behavior you have to exhibit to get your partner act in the way that you want.

Want help in repairing your marriage? Join my 4 Part Repair My Relationship Mini Course for Women.

 

How To Get My Husband Back & Make Him Love Me Again

You are not alone. Many women experience a point in marriage where their husband pulls away or a separation happens. It hurts, especially when marriage is supposed to be forever. Whether your husband has slightly pulled away from the marriage, your marriage is close to divorce or your husband has become uninterested in you, there are 4 things you can do to get your husband back.

Are You Getting Predictable Responses From Your Husband?

Here’s why.

You may be getting frustrated because you feel that you have tried everything to get your husband back. You might get angry with him and tell him all the reasons he is making a mistake or you may be the complete opposite, doing everything for him in order to convince him that he should stay. How is that working for you?

If your husband is not responding positively to your behavior, you will need to change your behavior. You may believe that your husband is predictable and every time you do something to help with the marriage whether it is suggesting counseling or giving him advice on how the marriage could get better, he acts in a predictable way.

But what you may fail to realize is that he may believe that you are predictable when you come to him trying to improve your marriage. If you want different results you have to try new things.

Keeping a journal of what is working and what is not working when trying different techniques to improve your marriage is going to be vitally important. Your goal is to do more of the things that work and eliminate those things that aren’t giving you the positive responses you want.

Are You Happy?

Are You Happy?

Although this might seem unimportant when you are trying to get your husband back, it is an essential part of the process.

You may believe once your marriage is better, you will be happy or that your happiness has nothing to do with the failed marriage.

Sometimes when you are not happy, your attitude changes and that sours the marriage. When you do the things necessary to keep yourself happy, you will have less time to focus on what your husband is not doing right. Your husband will have to spend less time arguing with you and more time looking at his personal issues.

The Power Of The Pen

Writing handwritten letters can be effective in communication if you and your spouse have had difficulty communicating verbally.

When you write your letter it is not your time to vent and tell him everything that is wrong with him. You will want to write a loving letter, telling him how much you appreciate him but also letting him know about how you are feeling. Feelings are key here, because he won’t be able to deny how you feel about certain things but he can flat out deny accusations you may make in your letter.

Is Your Point The One That “Always” Makes Sense?

Most of the time when we are engaging in an argument with someone or there is stress with the relationship we can only see one side of the equation. It will be helpful to try to understand and empathize with your husband regarding his issues as well.

Is Your Point The One That "Always" Makes Sense?

A great way to do this is to repeat what he is saying back to him. Sometimes huge arguments are just misunderstandings. You may repeat something back to him that he has said and he may explain to you that it is not what he meant.

Usually marriage problems boil down to communication problems. Give him a chance to talk without interrupting and repeat what you hear him saying back to him “So, what you are saying is….”