I’m really down and out about men.
It seems I only meet the ones that want to be physical….like guys who already have a girlfriend and want me on the side.
I’m sick and tired of it and I know you’re not suppose to give up but I’m to that point.
It really upsets me that they think I’m suppose to just “get physical with them” while other women get the benefits of eating out, going to the movies, or just spending time with the guy.
It’s really taking a toll on me. I’m hurt that I can’t even find a good guy friend that doesn’t won’t to be physical.
What can I do to meet men that want more than the physical?
Julia
Thanks Julia for your question. It can be frustrating if you continually meet men who are only after the physical.
It is a very “dangerous” place to be in, not only because it sucks to meet men who are not relationship ready, but also because the more of them you meet the more it will cause you to think that “good men” don’t exist.
Marvin Barrett, dating coach, explains more on why this happens, how to avoid or deal with men who are just out for the physical, and where to meet more men that genuinely want to get to know you.
Marvin helps single women identify and avoid dating non-committal men and find their Mr. Right. He coaches women to identify the best places to meet the right men for them, read the signals men display when uncommitted and how to attract the right guy to approach them. Learn how to meet and find the right man for you.
I certainly hear and understand your frustrations here, it’s a frustration I’m sure many women can relate to and identify with.
My hope here though is that you don’t give up but instead re-evaluate your situation at the moment.
You want to meet men who want more than just sex without the strings but not sure about how you should go about this.
Well there’s two things I think you should consider:
First, your expectations about men…
…and second, is your current approach to meeting and dating men.
Let’s look at one of your expectations for a second as I think it hampens many womens chances of finding a “good eligible man.”
There are subtleties in your question that say “I EXPECT men to NOT want more than the physical when they meet me.”
You want to meet a man who is more interested in you as a person and takes a genuine interest in the happenings of your life as opposed to just your body but feel that this man isn’t anywhere to be found at the moment.
Many men out there lack any real morals or standards when it comes to dating and women and I wish more men would be a lot more honest and mature in their dealings with women, but some aren’t and it’s just one of those things.
But it’s not worth thinking about over and over again because all you’ll be doing is frustrating the heck out of yourself and get into a cycle of “hating men” or as you put it becoming really down and out.
So is this an unrealistic expectation?
No, I don’t think so, however, there is a slight problem with it.
You EXPECT men to be or act differently from what they really are – which is sexual beings who are predominantly led by their visual senses and desires, especially when it comes to women and attraction.
When you EXPECT a male to act DIFFERENTLY from this fact, you’re really setting yourself up for a hard time and some serious frustration.
In an ideal world, women should be able to meet men who are and act sincerely and genuinely are interested in getting to know about her, her dreams, her fantasies, her fears etc as well as acknowledging her external beauty.
And to some mens credit, there are men out there who do demonstrate this quality quite well.
However, it’s not an ideal world and most men don’t demonstrate this quality very well and it’s not what typically happens when boy meets girl so to speak.
When a man first lays eyes on you, he is ATTRACTED to your physical beauty. If he approaches you, he is acting out from that initial interest, your physical beauty.
He doesn’t know you yet to know if he would want anything more than what he can physically see, it’s the physical attraction that has “triggered” him.
You might say, “yeah but it’s not right, he should be more interested in getting to know me for who I am, not my body or looks” – and I’d say you’d have a valid point.
But this isn’t about right and wrong here – it’s about how attraction typically works for men, and how you can gain a deeper understanding of the process at work here and then choose your response accordingly.
Just acknowledge and accept it for what it is.
The majority of the male species are wired this way. It’s their default setting so to speak. They’re not in control of it most of the time.
Men will always try to get in your knickers for as long as you live.
It’s better to come to terms with that fact than to expect to meet a man who won’t because if you don’t, you’ll be living in a state of denial that’s based on unrealistic expectations and unrealistic expectations could keep you single and frustrated longer than you need to be.
This doesn’t mean you should accept or settle for unacceptable or immature behaviour from a man or even lower your standards just to accomodate his impulses that he fails to control, no way.
What I am saying though is, save yourself the stress.
Don’t worry about men acting like all they want to do is get you in bed, it’s not something you can control or influence in anyway so you’re doing yourself no favours when you take it to heart when a man seeks to get physical with you before even trying to get know your first name. Just let that go, you’ve got bigger fish to fry.
I suggest that you carry no expectations of a man in the beginning when you first meet him.
Why?
Well, you’ll avoid unnecessary disappointment.
In fact, if you’re going to expect anything, expect that he wants to sleep with you, (which he probably does otherwise he wouldn’t have approached you in the first place – not always though) because if you do, you won’t be disappointed when you notice the signs, you’ll just know that he isn’t likely the right man for you.
Getting upset over men thinking you’re supposed to get “physical” with them while other women get the benefits of eating out, going to the movies or just spending time with the guy is putting unnecessary emotional stress on yourself.
He’s done you a favour. He’s shown the type of man he is and would be if he was to be in a relationship with you, which isn’t what you’d want so view it as a valuable lesson you’re getting early on instead of months or years down the line.
The last point I want to make here is if you feel you keep meeting and attracting men who already have girlfriends, you may want to evaluate the types of places you’re meeting these men, as well as any “signals” that you may be subliminally communicating to a man that says “I’m available.”
By this I mean, it could be the way you dress and present yourself, it could be the types of conversations you entertain when he is speaking to you, or a combination of both.
Presumably, if you meet a guy who you’re attracted to and exchange numbers with, one of the questions you would ask him is whether or not he is seeing someone or has a girlfriend.
Whether he tells you on the first meeting or later on, the moment he tells you or when he becomes suspicious that you might know that he has another woman but you still allow him to talk to you on that level, flirt with you and tease you and you don’t really deal with him appropriately, he’ll think he’s got a chance with you at some point.
It may not be right now, but at some point he will – at least that’s what he’ll think.
That’s the mentality most men who are prepared to cheat on their woman or sleep have.
If you ask most men, they’ll tell you that they have a secret belief inside them that says even if a woman says no today, she’ll say yes tomorrow.
They believe that what a woman says and what a woman does are usually two different things at least from their personal experience and the experience of other men they may know.
So if you’re saying one thing but doing another, you may cause a man to think that although you’re saying no right now, you’ll say yes at some point because you haven’t locked off the communication with him, so he’ll feel he still has a chance of persuading you, even if it’s small.
Also, start meeting men at places that are of interest to you.
Places where conversations are easy to start, places where from the get-go you both share a common interest (e.g at Jazz concert, you both like music, especially Jazz and more specifically a specific artist)
If you like to go shopping and buy clothes, shoes etc, whilst you might not meet a man in the shops you tend to shop in, you could scope out a few male shops or even attend a fashion showcase where men attend too.
You’ll both start off on common ground and will like have passions that stimulate mental attraction as well as physical attraction.
Identify the interests and hobbies you have. Figure out what you like to do or would like to do and make these a starting point for checking out places to meet men where the focus isn’t on checking out the “candy.”
This can also help you with building a social network of platonic male friends which you said is proving a problem for you at the moment.
Doing this will give you opportunities to meet new and different people and if you meet men who you’re not attracted to and they’re not attracted to you either in a physical/sexual way, you can focus on a platonic friendship where you already have things in common and so can do activities together.
I tend to think people who are wanting to find a more serious, committed, stable long-term relationship should stay away from places like bars, clubs, and big parties unless it’s literally just a social thing with friends. Most men go to these types of places literally to “pick up” women and fill up their “blackbooks.”
Avoid falling into that trap.
But in saying that, don’t give up on men.
There is a man out there for you who will want to get to know you, about your dreams, your fantasies, your desires as well as your fears and worries and treat you the way you want to be treated. You just need to adjust your expectations and develop the right approach. Good men out there are looking for good women like you so don’t give up, switch it up.
Thank you so much Marvin for more great advice!
Dear Robyn,
