Is He Busy or Not Interested? You Don’t Have to Guess

Dear Robyn,

There is this guy I had a crush on for the past 7 years.

Initially he asked me out but I declined since I was in a relationship at that time with someone else.

But after a few days I broke up with my boyfriend and I contacted this crush of mine.

He had been ignoring me since the day I said no to him. After a few days we started talking and we sorted out our differences. He told me he really wanted to be with me, but then all of a sudden he seems busy and not keeping in touch with me and is not making any effort to be in touch.

Whenever I call him, he says that he is busy. I’m very much perplexed regarding him. Please guide me on what to do. I really like him a lot.

Hope you help me out. Thank you! – Megan

Dear Megan,

I think the best thing you can do right now is stop trying so hard to figure him out.

That doesn’t mean playing hard to get. It doesn’t mean ignoring him so he’ll miss you. And it doesn’t mean pretending you suddenly don’t care.

It simply means giving this situation enough room for you to see what he does without you constantly moving things forward.

You’ve already made your interest clear.

Now let him show you his.

Seven years is a long time

There’s something important in your story that I don’t want you to overlook.

You’ve had a crush on this man for seven years.

That’s a lot of history, anticipation and probably a fair amount of imagining what could happen between the two of you.

He also once asked you out.

So now that the possibility finally seems to be there, it would be very easy to think, This is finally our chance.

But the fact that he wanted to date you before doesn’t necessarily tell you how he feels today.

People change. Feelings change. Timing changes.

And sometimes we can become so attached to the history of a connection that we have trouble looking at what is actually happening in the present.

Right now, he says he’s busy and he’s making very little effort to stay in contact.

You don’t have to decide what that means yet.

You can simply pay attention to it.

You Don’t Have to Figure Out Whether “I’m Busy” Is an Excuse

Maybe he really is busy.

Maybe he’s confused about what he wants.

Maybe your earlier rejection made him more cautious.

Maybe his feelings aren’t as strong as they once were.

There are plenty of possibilities.

But here’s the thing:

You don’t actually need to solve that mystery.

If someone tells you they’re busy, you can accept that they’re busy.

Then watch what happens.

Does he eventually reach out?

Does he suggest seeing you?

Does he make room for you when his schedule allows?

Does the connection start feeling mutual again?

Or do you notice that almost every conversation happens because you initiated it?

His behavior over time will probably tell you more than trying to decode what “I’m busy” really means.

Don’t Become Responsible for Keeping the Connection Alive

There is absolutely nothing wrong with a woman calling a man she’s interested in.

You don’t have to sit by the phone waiting for him to make every move.

But there’s a difference between showing interest and becoming responsible for maintaining the entire connection.

You’ve already shown him that you’re interested.

If you continue calling because you’re afraid the connection will disappear if you don’t, pay attention to that feeling.

Because if something between two people can only survive when one person keeps pushing it forward, that’s important information.

You shouldn’t have to convince someone to continue getting to know you.

Dating isn’t an audition where you’re trying to prove that you’re worth choosing.

You’re choosing too.

Be Careful When You Start Believing He’s Your One Chance

Sometimes we pursue someone harder because we genuinely like them.

But sometimes something else is happening underneath it.

Fear.

What if I let him go and he never comes back?

What if I missed my chance seven years ago?

What if I never feel this way about someone else?

When you start believing someone is a rare opportunity you can’t afford to lose, it’s easy to tolerate uncertainty that would normally make you step back.

You may call again.

Explain more.

Try harder.

Give another chance.

Wait a little longer.

Not necessarily because the relationship is giving you something wonderful, but because you’re afraid of losing what it could become.

That’s when it’s especially important to return your attention to what’s actually happening.

Not seven years ago.

Not what he told you he wanted.

Not what you hope happens next.

What’s happening now?

His Lack of Interest Wouldn’t Mean There’s Something Wrong With You

There’s another possibility you should make room for.

He may simply not be interested enough to pursue this further.

And if that’s what eventually becomes clear, you will be okay.

He doesn’t have to be interested in you.

Just as you don’t have to be interested in every man who wants to date you.

That’s part of dating.

Someone deciding that a connection isn’t right for them doesn’t automatically mean you weren’t attractive enough, interesting enough or good enough.

Sometimes two people simply aren’t moving toward the same thing.

Finding that out sooner is useful information, even when it hurts.

Keep Living Your Life While You Figure This Out

This is also why I don’t recommend putting all of your emotional attention on one person too early.

Go out with your friends.

Take a class.

Volunteer.

Make plans you’re excited about.

Spend time doing things that have absolutely nothing to do with dating.

And if you’re not in an exclusive relationship, you don’t necessarily have to stop meeting other men either.

Not because you’re trying to make this guy jealous.

Not because you’re pretending to be “too busy.”

And not because having a full calendar is some trick that will make him want you more.

Do it because your life shouldn’t suddenly start revolving around someone you’re still getting to know.

Maybe this guy will eventually become an important part of your life.

Maybe he won’t.

Either way, your life should continue moving.

You Don’t Need to Chase the Answer

For now, Megan, I would give him some room.

You’ve contacted him. You’ve shown interest. He knows you want to talk to him.

You don’t need to keep reminding him.

Let the situation breathe long enough for you to see whether he moves toward you on his own.

If he reaches out and starts consistently making an effort, you can decide whether you still want to explore the relationship.

If he doesn’t, you’ll have an answer too.

Not necessarily an explanation.

But an answer.

Because sometimes the question isn’t:

How do I get him to call me?

It’s:

What happens when I stop doing all the calling?

You don’t need to manufacture his interest.

You need enough space to see whether it’s actually there.