Relationship Blackbook

Stronger Connections, Happier Relationships

Robyn Lee

Help, My Boyfriend Has Cheated On Me And Now He’s Angry With Me!

my boyfriend has cheated on meDear Robyn,

My boyfriend has done some things reeking of infidelity that caused me to be distrustful of him and spy. I forgave him for his infidelity but he hasn’t forgiven me for spying. Also he has recently became very flippant with me. I want us to move past things and move forward. – Ex Spy

Dear Ex Spy,

I’m sorry to hear about the strife that is occurring in your relationship with your boyfriend. Infidelity or thoughts that it has occurred is something that is not easy to get over because it breaks the trust factor.

Trust is essential in healthy relationships and if you don’t feel that you can trust him, it’s going to make you crazy inside because you’re going to feel the need to control what he’s doing or prevent it from happening again.

There needs to be a serious conversation had about what you feel comfortable with and what’s going too far. Example: Is it ok for him to talk to female friends but not text them at 2 in the morning? This conversation needs to be had because your feelings are valid.

As far as him not forgiving you for spying, I would have a conversation with him when you are both calm. Tell him that you feel that he hasn’t forgiven you for spying and you want to know what it would take to get this issue resolved because you feel it is keeping your relationship stagnant. Allow him some time to respond, and see if what he says is reasonable.

If he is becoming more and more flippant as of late, I always suggest my favorite relationship technique that brings couples closer and that is giving him some space. Use this time to re-engage in some things you have interest in or find some things that are interesting to you.

Don’t be mean about it, just worry less about him and more about moving yourself forward.

You also really need to think about if he is being unkind in this relationship, is that something you really want?

But this question is up to you to answer. You are the only one who has the full details of your relationship.

I Think My Husband Has Fallen Out Of Love

what should I do when my husband doesn't love me anymoreI don’t know what to do about my marriage. My husband puts everything and everyone else before me and he cheats. It feels like he doesn’t love me anymore? What should I do?
– Kate

Hi Kate,
I’m so sorry to hear about your situation. Being in a marriage with someone who cheats is very hard. There are a couple of issues I want to discuss:

Firstly, staying in a marriage with someone who is cheating on you and is not willing to stop is not something you should do if you can help it at all. By continuing to be in this relationship while he openly cheats, it is saying to him that there are no real consequences for his infidelity.

Even though you are married, I would create some space. This means, shifting your focus from his infidelity to things that make you happy regardless of his actions. Spend more time doing those things. I know this can be difficult if the relationship is rocky, but this may be as simple as getting out and taking a walk.

There needs to be a really serious conversation that goes on with this behavior. If he is cheating, at the very least, you should not be having sex with him also, because that puts you at risk for certain diseases if he isn’t using protection.

Also, if he refuses to stop, a physical separation may be necessary. But if you tell him that you are going to leave if he cheats again, you have to be prepared to leave. Otherwise he will not take you seriously and will cheat again.

I also want you to take some time and read this article about marital cheating, it should offer some guidance in what to do next:

http://www.marriagesherpa.com/blog/uncategorized/spouse_cheated_best_you/

I know you will get through this,

Robyn

In Love With A Player

dating a playerDear Robyn,

I have been in love with a player for 4 years. I have begged, pleaded,  gotten mad, tried to date other guys…nothing works. I am to the point of believing I am never to find happiness and I am to be alone.

Destined to Be Alone

If you are in love with a player and you know it, you are definitely barking up the wrong tree. You say that you have done several things to change this like begging, pleading, getting man, dating other men, but have you cut your connection with him? If he can still have you in love with him and he is with other women, why should he change? Nothing has changed on your part.

I know the toughest thing to do when you are in love with someone is to let them go. But if you want to be in a healthy and happy relationship you have to love yourself more. You have to love yourself enough to go after what you really want.

How silly is it for someone to want Mexican food, but go to an Italian restaurant? That’s the same thing you are doing here, you want commitment but you are in love with a man who is unwilling to give it!

When you think about what you want out of a relationship, you have to get those things from someone who has the ability to give it and if you want commitment, a man that is unwilling to commit is not the right place to get it.

My advice to you, move on, although it may be tough. Once you meet a man who is willing to commit to you and only you, you will look back and thank yourself for making the right move.

In A Marriage, But I Like Someone Else

post image - woman confusedDear Robyn,

I am in a marriage, but it is absolutely horrible. I like someone else at my job and we started texting. I even texted him that “I like him” and he said that is cool. Does that mean that he sees me as just a friend? Or is there somethings more?

– Confused

Dear Confused,

It’s really tough being in any type of relationship where you aren’t happy. I understand that your current situation is not where you want to be and the guy at work might feel like the perfect solution, but believe me when I say, you are barking up the wrong tree. First, you made a commitment to your husband and if you choose not to keep it, you need to let him know so you can both move on or set up a different arrangement. You need to determine if the issue in your marriage is something that is SO bad that you can’t salvage it or if you are just going through a tough period in your marriage.

If I were you, I would start by appreciating the things that are already going well in your marriage. Sometimes, we can look at other people’s situations and think they are better than our own, but in reality they just have a better way of looking at their situation. Start treating your husband as the man you love and appreciate and watch things change.

The second issue here is thinking that a new situation/man is going to change things for you. Here’s the thing, if said guy that you work with actually did start a relationship with you WHILE you were still with your husband, I can almost guarantee you that if you left your husband because of him, he would leave you too. A man that is willing to commit to a woman for the long term, sees a woman who already has a husband as off limits. When he said “that’s cool”, he was probably just as confused as you.

Hopefully you are able to renew your relationship with your husband, but if you decide it is impossible, you need to do the right thing and break off your committed relationship before you get into another. Unless there is physical or deep emotional abuse, I am a proponent of saving your marriage. If you don’t know where to start and don’t want to go to a counselor and divulge all the intricacies of your marriage or pay tons of money for advice, I suggest you take a look at some online programs. You don’t even need him to be involved for it to work. Here’s my favorite: Save My Marriage Today

Rule of Thumb: Don’t leave one man for another man. Break off your relationship, spend some time to reflect, and slowly start dating again.

When Is It Right To Get Back With An Ex? (And When It’s Not)

How do you know if it is a good idea to get your ex back?

Let me be honest with you. Sometimes it’s a blessing in disguise that he left or that you dumped him. He just wasn’t good for you but you were too scared to break it off fearing that you would be alone or that you wouldn’t find someone else. Fooling yourself into thinking he was “the one” even though he mistreated you, constantly cheated on you or just wasn’t a good team member (supporter of you).

If you are having trouble determining whether you actually want him back, join my 5 lesson mini course on how to get your ex back at the bottom of this page, the first lesson, “Is Your Relationship Worth Saving?” speaks volumes.

Here’s 3 questions to ask yourself to see if it’s really right to get back with your ex:

Were you and your ex really good together?

Don’t fool yourself now!  If you know that your relationship was NEVER easy and it was like work everyday, you might not want to invest in getting him back.

Did your ex support your goals in life?

This means that he was a good team member and wanted you to succeed. Be wary of relationships when your ex “hates” on you and “mean mugs” (giving you an angry look) you when you achieve something. You want him to be just as happy or more happy for you than you are.

Did your ex treat you well?

This kind of goes hand in had with questions 1 and 2 but I want to dwelve a little bit deeper now. How did your ex make you feel? Was he physically abusive? Did he tear you down with his words? Has he called you out of your name? Has he talked about you behind your back? Did he treat you differently in private than in public? (meaning was he really sweet to you when you were alone together, but when you were in public he acted like he barely knew you OR was he really nice to you in front of your family and friends and then treated you bad when the two of you were alone?)

These are all things you have to think about when deciding whether to get back with your ex.

1. Calling, Texting, Emailing (Nope, can’t do it)

This is a huge mistake that many women make. We are sometimes guilty of working from our emotions and not thinking logically. Let me explain. When you break up you may want to call, text, or email him to let him know what a big mistake he made or even to let him have it and let him know you’ve already moved on. HUGE MISTAKE.

Here is something that is not only going to help you with your ex, but for the rest of your life:

Just because your emotions say to do it doesn’t mean that it should be done.

Read that again, because a lot of times even during dating, we can do some crazy things. “I just felt he was “the one” and I had to tell him how I felt even though we’ve only talked twice.” This gets women in more trouble than anything else.

So hold back your emotions and put on your “game heels” – never heard that before in my life – just made it up. But you know what I’m talking about, let’s think about this thing.

There is one caveat with contacting your ex. If you understand how to do it the right way, it can actually help to contact your ex. Here are two programs I recommend that help you learn the right ways to do it to be most effective.

Don’t Be THAT Girl

 

2. Are you OK with the breakup?

Of course you’re not, then otherwise you wouldn’t be reading this. But does he have to know that? Nope.

Think about it, if you aren’t constantly calling him, texting him or emailing him, he has NO CLUE what you are doing.

This is a good thing. Have you already moved on? Are you out with the girls on the prowl? Did you already have a back up boo ready? He has no freakin’ clue and this works to your advantage.

BUT if you are constantly contacting him, he knows exactly what you are doing: Sitting at home on your butt, thinking about him and contacting him. You’ve showed all your cards:(

3. Think Differently

When dealing with a breakup, you may feel that he is “the only one” for you. But you have to get yourself thinking that maybe there are other people out there that you would be compatible with. You aren’t throwing the idea of getting back together with him away you are just opening your mind up to the possibility that you could get along with another person.

Why the heck would I do that Robyn?

This is so you don’t operate from fear, which is the worst thing. If you feel you have other options, you aren’t hounding on the door of the one option. You can relax a bit. Think about if you are only applying for one job vs. applying for several. You know that you might work one place or you may work another. It’s just puts your mind more at ease and helps you get ready to get your ex back.

So what if I’ve already made all these mistakes?

It’s ok if you’ve made these mistakes, you just need to do things differently now. You can learn the right way to get back with your ex in my 5 lesson mini course on getting back with your ex.

How to Prevent Cheating & Save Your Relationship

It seems that it is hard for men to stay faithful to their
wives, how can I overcome this in my relationship?

Being faithfurblackbook - cheatingl is a big issue in relationships. First, you have to trust the person you are with. If you don’t trust that person, then you will just drive yourself crazy trying to prove that they are cheating. It’s a very stressful situation.

The best thing to do is to make sure you have a strong foundation for a healthy and happy relationship. Do you have common interests? Do you have things other than sexual attraction that keep you together? Focus on those things.

The past is a great predictor of the future, so while dating it’s important to see if the person cheated on their ex and what were the circumstances surrounding that cheating. This is not easy information to get, and is definitely not a first date question, but throughout dating, if you can get him to divulge this information, it will be helpful for you to understand how he is most likely to act in the future.

The best way to prevent cheating is to have a genuine friendship with your mate. True friends find it very difficult to hurt another friend in that way.

Also during initial dating, making sure he has the opportunity to pursue you, helps him be faithful to you since he knows that you weren’t an easy catch and that it would be nearly impossible for you to take him back if cheating occurred.