He Cheated, I Spied, and Somehow I’m the One Being Blamed

Dear Robyn,

My boyfriend has done some things reeking of infidelity that caused me to be distrustful of him and spy. I forgave him for his infidelity but he hasn’t forgiven me for spying. Also he has recently became very flippant with me. I want us to move past things and move forward. – Ex Spy

Dear Ex Spy,

When I originally answered this question, I focused on having a serious conversation about boundaries, asking him what it would take to resolve his anger about the spying, and giving him some space.

I still think a conversation needs to happen, but there’s something I would emphasize much more today:

Forgiving someone for cheating and trusting them again are not the same thing.

You may have decided to forgive him and continue the relationship, but that doesn’t mean the trust that was broken automatically came back with that decision. Trust has to be rebuilt, and both people have a role in that process.

You also have something to take responsibility for. Spying isn’t a healthy way to manage distrust in a relationship. If you feel you need to monitor someone to find out whether they’re being faithful, that’s a sign that something between you isn’t working.

But your spying doesn’t erase his infidelity.

That’s the part I would look at differently today. You can acknowledge that invading his privacy was wrong without allowing the entire problem to become about what you did afterward.

If he cheated, you became distrustful and spied, and now he is angry and increasingly flippant with you, I wouldn’t focus primarily on how to get him to forgive you so the two of you can “move forward.”

I’d ask whether you’re actually rebuilding anything together.

Can you talk about what happened without the conversation immediately becoming about your spying? Is he willing to understand why trust was damaged? Are you able to take responsibility for your part without taking responsibility for his? And, over time, is his behavior giving you reasons to trust him again?

There needs to be room for both of you to talk about what happened and what would make the relationship feel healthy again.

You said you want to move past this and move forward. That’s understandable.

But moving forward isn’t the same as getting everything back to normal as quickly as possible.

Sometimes the more important question is whether the two of you are actually repairing the relationship, or whether you’re doing most of the work to make an unresolved problem disappear.

You are the only one who has the full details of your relationship, but I would pay very close attention to that distinction.

—Robyn