Quick NavigationDon’t Miss OutBe HonestUnderstand He May Not Be Into YouBe Your Best SelfDon’t Get Down On YourselfTake Some SpaceThink About Letting It Go
We all know it – that butterfly feeling when you finally meet someone you really vibe with and like to be around. You flirt, hang out, and start to imagine what it would be like to be a couple. And then suddenly – it comes to a screeching halt when he tells you he just wants to be friends.
Your crush might be so interesting and desirable to you that you initially like the idea of being friends. Maybe you have similar interests and hobbies. Maybe you convince yourself, “If we are around each other long enough, maybe he will fall for me!” Although this can happen, it’s pretty unlikely.
Be honest with yourself – are your feelings for him still lingering? Are you still hoping for a relationship with this man? Is it ever possible to get out of the friend zone and into a relationship?
If you are thinking to yourself, “He just wants to be friends but I still like him,” keep reading for our tips on how to exit the friend zone and – more importantly – gain perspective in the process.
Don’t Miss Out
There are plenty of fish in the sea. Or, you don’t have to look for fish and you can go for a nice swim all on your own!
Don’t pine away for (or obsess over) your crush and miss out on the joys of life. Focus on your friendships, career, and other aspects of yourself that make you unique. Enjoy some alone time to figure out who you are and what you want – from a relationship and from life. You will likely meet the right person once you start fostering your own passions and personality.
Also – remember the fun of being pursued! Don’t miss out on other potentially great relationships because you are so focused on this one man. You deserve to feel wanted, appreciated, and valued. If the guy isn’t into you – or isn’t sure yet – do you really want to be with him, anyway? You deserve better than that.
If I have learned anything in my years of dating, it’s that you sometimes find interesting people in the least likely of places. There might be someone you least expect waiting around the corner ready to sweep you off your feet. Don’t miss out on these opportunities by laser focusing on this one particular guy.
Focus on your friendships! Build relationships elsewhere in your life. Plan a girls trip away. There is plenty of fun to get involved in as a single woman. You just need to know where to look for it. Your single girlfriends are a good place to start.
Be Honest
Everyone likes to hear that they are desirable. What’s the harm in being honest with your crush? Say something like, “I really would love to be friends with you, but it’s too hard for me because I still have feelings for you.” Tell him exactly how you feel – clearly and honestly – and see how he reacts.
If he maintains that you mean a lot to him, maybe it’s worth sticking around as a friend for a while to see if things change. It will at least open an honest conversation in which you can assess what is happening between you two. Maybe he will be refreshed by the fact that you can engage in an open conversation about relationships instead of playing mysterious mind games.
A few years ago, a guy I had gone on a few dates with called me out of the blue to tell me he wasn’t interested in dating me but really enjoyed the time we spent together. He said that if the chemistry was there, we both would have known it. While I felt momentarily rejected (and wasn’t aware that we were “dating”), I appreciated this direct and honest approach. He was right – we both would have known if it was the right thing. We were both able to save our feelings and since we have mutual friends, we can still be friendly to each other in public.
You could also take a more distant approach. Tell him how you feel, and give him time to process it. If he is in the dating world, maybe he will see what he’s missing and come around. Check in with him every so often if you see a funny article that reminds you of him or a good episode of a show you used to watch together. Maintain a distant connection while still keeping your own options open. Go on dates and meet new people. He may realize what he’s missing. If and when he is ready, he will let you know that he can handle more.
No matter which method you choose, you should be honest. Getting your feelings off your chest will make you feel better and you will know that you put everything you could into winning the guy. You will have an answer instead of being in limbo. And, if you do decide that you can’t be friends (because it’s too painful) he will know clearly why.
Understand He May Not Be Into You
. . . and that’s okay!
He just doesn’t feel romantically toward you. It’s a harsh reality for women to face, but it can also be freeing. Sometimes a guy is just not that into you. This means you aren’t right for each other. Thank goodness you found out now and not after forty years of marriage. The right guy for you will be pumped to be in a relationship with you.
In my humble experience, when he says he doesn’t want a relationship but wants to be friends – it’s often a cop-out. Men try to save our feelings (or maybe their own potential for getting hurt) by playing the friendship card.
Relationship Guide:
Waiting for Mr. Right: What to do while you wait?
Don’t be alarmed if you see him in a relationship with someone else in just a few months. Men tend to free themselves up (and poof! suddenly be ready for a relationship) for the people they want to pursue. If a guy truly likes you in a romantic way, he will be ready for a relationship. He will make himself ready at the risk of losing you!
Of course, there are the rare situations when a guy and a girl can foster a friendship that eventually becomes romantic, but normally one person is more invested in making this happen from the onset. If you think this may work for you, try to be a loyal friend to your crush. Just beware that this might mean being there for him when he’s in a relationship with someone else.
Be Your Best Self
One of the best pieces of advice I got about relationships is, “Be someone you would want to be with.” Moping around and waiting for someone to pay attention to you doesn’t make you attractive to your crush or to other men who might be interested in you. Or to your friends. Or family (you get the point).
Forget the guy for a few minutes – how can you be your best self for you? What kind of person do you strive to be in this world? When a guy says he just wants to be friends, it could be a cue from the universe that it’s time to focus on your most important relationship – the one you have with yourself.
Look at yourself from an objective perspective.
What do you love about yourself? What could you work on? Think about the things you want to achieve in your lifetime. This is a great time for setting goals and putting your mind to something.
Coming off of a terrible rejection (ahem, when the guy I thought I would marry said he didn’t see a romantic future together), I decided I was going to train for a marathon. I made it my priority to find a training plan, run each day and challenge my own speeds and distance. I didn’t get the guy back, but I did get a solo energetic outlet, a mental distraction, and a new passion that is now an important part of my daily routine and mental health. To top it off, I got a pretty decent revenge body, too!
Your goal doesn’t have to be as long-term or extreme as a marathon. Being your best self can mean reading one new book each week (and make a book club with your girlfriends!) or cooking a fresh dinner each night. Being your best self might mean spending each Sunday afternoon with your grandma or taking some classes at the local university. No matter what, learning to be the best and most fulfilled version of yourself will attract your crush – and likely other, more deserving men, too.
Don’t Get Down On Yourself
Hearing that he just wants to be friends can be really harmful to a woman’s pride. It can make you feel like you’re not “enough” or even that you’re not desirable to men. Be careful with these harsh judgements and assumptions. Who put this one person in charge of your self-worth?
Try not to let this one situation damper your self-confidence. Your crush might be going through something personal that makes him unready for a relationship. Give him credit for being honest about that instead of taking you down a rocky road. It’s better to know now that he’s not ready for a relationship (with you, or maybe with anyone) than later down the road once you’ve started dating. It may be hard to see it now, but consider yourself lucky that you saved some heartbreak!
Surround yourself with loving, positive people who lift you up. Hang out with friends who remind you how wonderful you are (everyone needs a reminder every now and again). Give yourself a daily pep-talk. Look into your own eyes with a mirror if you need to. Positive self-talk is clinically proven to boost self esteem and improve moods.
Take Some Space
When he says he just wants to be friends, take some space for yourself. And give him some space to miss you. He doesn’t necessarily deserve to have you as a friend right now if you’re feeling rejected by him. Time and space will make it clear if it’s healthy to stay friends with this person or if you need to release them from your life. Time and space will also help you both realize if you’re making the right choices in life.
There are plenty of things you can do for yourself (and with your friends!) while you are waiting for the right partner to come along. Stay off social media for a few days and avoid contacting, seeing, or thinking about your crush. Distract yourself as much as possible to get a break from the situation and gain clarity.
Try not to over-communicate with your crush-turned-friend. When men are faced with emotions, they can often be cryptic in their response if they aren’t sure. If he says he just wants to be friends, he might really be saying he’s scared. He might also mean that he feels vulnerable and isn’t ready to commit to a future. Check out these hints about what your crush might really mean when he texts you.
Think About Letting It Go
For both of your sake – is it too painful to be his friend? This might be a sacrifice he has to make if he doesn’t want to pursue a relationship with you. Get out there and meet someone else. Sometimes the world has a funny way of working out, and rest assured that your best days are yet to come.
Even though it’s hard, being friends with someone you saw a romantic future with can be torture. As you get older, keeping up with the important friends you already have is time-consuming enough. Do you really want to be “just friends” with this person? Check out these other reasons why it’s best to distance yourself from the guy who just wants to be friends.
So – is it possible to get out of the friend zone? And is it worth it? Only time will tell. If you really feel like this guy is the one, try waiting it out. But be careful with overvaluing someone who doesn’t make the effort for you. If you keep your eyes open, the right person for you will come along sooner than you think – and he will be sure that you don’t belong in the friend zone.
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