I have had a crush on a man for many years now. We actually dated briefly some years ago, but things didn’t work out.
After our relationship, he got married, but we still remained friends. Things started to go downhill with his marriage and he told me that when he got his divorce that he wanted me in his life.
I got really excited because it was like a dream come true.
He did divorce his wife and now he is in another relationship (not with me) and claims that he is in love and is ready to remarry.
I have doubts about this relationship because he still calls me and talks about our attraction to each other and sends flirty text messages and asks for pictures of me.
He’s currently out of state on work and I want to do as much as I can to bring his heart closer to me before he comes back and into the arms of his new woman.
I’m thinking I should send a daily email to remind him how I feel about him, but I feel I’ve already done all I can.
What would you suggest I do?
Guest Poster: Marvin Barrett
Marvin helps single women identify and avoid dating non-committal men and find their Mr. Right. He coaches women to identify the best places to meet the right men for them, read the signals men display when uncommitted and how to attract the right guy to approach them. Learn how to meet and find the right man for you.
This man is testing you to the hill and if you can’t see that then you’re in big trouble.
He is basically seeing whether he could still have you if he wanted and you are playing right into his little trap.
I don’t want to invalidate the feelings you have for this man because what you feel is probably real and comes from a sincere place but I gotta tell ya…
Leave this situation alone or pay the price later.
I believe you’re probably worth more but you are selling yourself short here and I think this man probably doesn’t value you enough to want to marry you. He wants to marry some other woman but not you. So regardless of the doubts you have about him remarrying, he’s not made you his number one. Instead, he wants pictures and flirty messages, he sees you as fun.
Let’s break this down for a second.
1. You dated briefly in the past but didn’t work out. (Cool, no problem here, these things happen)
2. Then he got married and after problems in his marriage, he got divorced. (Again, not a major problem, unless his wife divorced him because he cheated!)
3. After his divorce he told you he wanted you in his life. (Whatever that means!!! Where’s the ring for you? BIG PROBLEM HERE.)
4. Then you get excited because he was available again and describe this as a dream come true (fair enough, it’s understandable, no problem)
5. Following his divorce, he gets into ANOTHER relationship (not with you, although he had the option to) and plans to REMARRY. (Put another ring on another woman’s finger despite he’s pledge that he wants you in his life. He may say he wants you in his life but he sure doesn’t want to marry you.)
Can you see the problem here?
This man isn’t serious about you in the way that you are about him. I want you to GET this because if you continue entertaining this man, you’re going to get hurt.
After his divorce, he could have got with you, after all, he said he wanted you in his life but his actions tell a complete different story – he’s marrying another woman but wants you to send him sexy pictures of you -if the alarm bells aren’t ringing right now, they should be.
You’re falling for the sweet words and flirty text and picture messaging. You’re falling in love with the idea of being in love and that’s not good.
This man is running game on you and you need to see it for what it is.
This man just told you he’s in love and plans to remarry but sends you flirty texts and requests pictures of you…and you really WANT that to be your man? It’s up to you.
You need to see yourself being worth more and more deserving than that. This guy will never see you in the way you deserve because if he did, he would be backing up his words with actions (i.e. remarrying with you, not another woman)
Two words…..move on.
Thanks Marvin for this great post. This is a reminder that actions should be focused on more than words.
I know a lot of the readers are wondering if you believe men have GOOD intentions when they use their words to “woo” you or is it all “running game”?
At what point should you believe what he is telling you?
Can a guy who says his relationship does nothing anymore and that they like u ever be genuine? Relationships end and people get with someone else, can there never be a ‘fancying or flirty’ cross over?
Great Question Gemma!
Again we have to look at the person’s actions. Let’s look at the actions.
He has not actually ended the relationship, even though he says the relationship “does nothing anymore”. Is his girlfriend holding him hostage? How come he can’t end a relationship that isn’t fulfilling?
Is this the way he ends relationships? Does he find someone else first and then move on? Do you really want that if he decides to be with you? If he did it to her, what makes you any different?
Sometimes relationships go through their highs and lows and if this is how he handles the lows – BEWARE – he’ll do it to you.
I say there can not be a cross over period. There has to be a definite end and a new beginning.
Hey Gemma,
I would echo everything what Robyn has said in her previous post with some slight additions.
In my experience, most men don’t like the idea of “doing” the breaking up with women, they would very much prefer that the woman be the one who ends it rather than themselves – even if they know they’re not happy in the relationship!
One of the reasons for this is that it makes it easier to push the blame and responsibility onto the woman if the subject ever comes up again. He can always point to the fact that it was you who ended it (even though you know he wanted out)
Another reason is because men believe that telling a woman that it’s over is likely to bring an “emotional” discussion and experience that most men just aren’t great at dealing with.
Most men don’t handle the emotional side of relationships very well and breaking up with a woman is one of the highest emotional problems a man can create as far as a man is concerned and so it’s best to act distant and like an arsehole until she finally has had enough of his crap and decides that SHE can’t take it anymore and ends it, it makes him feel better.
Most men don’t need the bragging rights over who left who because most of the time a man knows that he left that relationship along time ago, he was just waiting for her to wake up and follow suit.
So to your question, he can be genuine in what he says, yes he may like you but it’s not likely to be anything more than a bit of fun as he won’t be looking to “rebound” from one relationship to the next in a short space of time (although it does happen from time to time) so as Robyn says, there won’t likely be any crossover here, just entertainment.
So true. Exactly what happened to me in your last half of your reply. It took me a little over 3 months to finally wake up. I blamed myself for the distance and when I finally put my foot down, he got offended as if was asking for too much just wanting to see him. I stopped contacting him and he hasn’t reached out to me. Hard lesson to learn. Don’t appreciate being used and he probably never cared for me but it’s my fault. I cared about him more than he cared about me. He just needed someone to get over what he was dealing with and feel better about himself. When he started feeling better, I never saw him again.
To answer your question Robyn
” Do I believe men have GOOD intentions when they use their words to “woo” you or is it all “running game?”
It’s a pretty loaded question. There are so many factors at play that it’s hard to easily generalise the situation for others to then follow and use as a guide in their dating lives.
But what I would say is this:
Men aim to impress women. That’s their objective. Their reasons and motives will certainly vary from man to man but the ultimate thing to remember is that a man knows he has to impress a woman on some level if he’s to get what he wants. (i.e. sex or a committed relationship)
I often say, words are a woman’s weakness and most men know that. They know that most women love to feel good and hear wonderful compliments and acts of chivalry or romance will go along way to getting what he wants.
So I would say most men have “good” intentions, the challenge is for women to figure out what those intentions are and the motives behind them as soon as possible.
To answer your other question:
“At what point should you believe what he is telling you?”
It’s not about believing what he’s telling you, it’s watching what he does. It’s observing what he does when they are no words spoken. If a man is serious, he’ll do less talking and more doing. He doesn’t need to tell you how much you mean to him, he shows you. Of course, words play a part but like the estimated figures on communication suggest,:
The WORDS a person speaks is approx 7%
The tone and way the WORDS are spoken is approx 23%
Non-verbal communication is approx 70%
Which basically tells us that it’s not what a person says or how they say it that’s really important (although they are important), it’s what they DO that talks loudest.
The thing is Marvin, this woman is saying she has doubts about whether he will commit to her, and wants to send an email to him explaining how she feels about him which is a bad idea. It will only push him away further and confirm why he shouldn’t be with her, and use her for fun. Because macho men who want a woman have to chase a woman in order to win her attention and do everything possible to make her happy/
Allowing this man years before to chase her he would have seen that she was worthy for him enough to commit to, and would value her more if they did end up together. However where she has always been too much available for so many years, he doesn’t need to make an effort. And when they dated it didn’t work out, so why should he have to commit then?
I think he is using her as a back up plan as incase this marriage that he is going to get into doesn’t work out, he can always run back to her because he already knows she will be at his beck and call.
He does not have to work that much for her attention, a few texts here and there is just for him to test to see if she will stick around, as anything could happen in life. She is pining away for him and he does not clearly want her, as if he did she and him would be together.
She is leaving the door open for a relationship that will never happen, so in some sense she is dreaming of a fairy tale when really in her mind that is all it is, but in reality it’s a doomed non committed unreal relationship and you couldn’t really call it that anyway.
Like I said she is a back up plan. How will she find her perfect-suitor her dream man if she is constantly worrying and hoping, dreaming that one day they will be together. She is wasting her precious time and one day she will look back and say to herself, “what was I thinking all of those years thinking he would want me, when I was too available. I could have met a great man that wanted to marry me and have the most beautiful family by now.”
How sad would that be now if that was the case, as it has been how many years, the amount of years God knows.
I think it’s time for her to wake up and smell the fresh coffee, and when she found out he was going to marry another woman that should have been more of a sign, that she and him is never going to be together. That in itself is her wake up call.
She needs to move on, now is the right time, if she does not she will regret it and this is a mistake that has costed her prime years as when women, lose their youth they are not as lucky in the dating world, as even older men tend to go for younger women.
The way I see it is it’s either now or never, but in this case if she doesn’t wake up since she is asleep it will be never.
Love all of the comments and it would seem you are all correct. Moral of the story no matter how much rubbish they fill you with unless they actually do something about it. I think you could be right about the not wanting to end it but wait for them to do it, this sounds like my scenario but I’m worth more than waiting for him to decide what he wants & I have had the courage to tell them that.