How to Get Your Husband to Help Around the House (Without Fighting)

It was the weekend, and I’d just finished washing several loads of clothes, starting the process of folding the family’s laundry, and putting everything away in each room. I made breakfast and lunch for the kids, cleaned the kitchen, and even tackled the refrigerator. I’d also managed to squeeze in 15 minutes of reading instruction for my daughter.

My husband was off that day and had been lounging in the living room, watching football as I powered through my to-do list. I kept reminding myself, I can’t control anyone else, only myself. If he chooses to watch the game, that’s his decision. He’ll help me later, once he’s relaxed, I told myself.

Then, as he walked into the kitchen to grab something to eat—something I had made—he noticed that our son had left his food out on the table. He came into the bedroom, where I was folding his clothes, and asked, “Do you have plans for the food on the table?”

I told him, “No. Can you put it away?”

His response? “Why can’t you do it?”

I was so angry that I booked a hotel for the night. I couldn’t be around him. My thoughts were racing: How can he not understand? How can he watch me do everything and still ask me to do more? I let him have it—probably said more than I should have—then grabbed my bags and walked out.

Why Your Husband Doesn’t Help with Chores

If you’ve ever felt like you’re doing everything while your partner sits comfortably on the couch, you’re not alone—and it’s more common than you may think.

You’re feeling overwhelmed and burdened by the unequal division of household tasks, and it’s starting to take a toll on you.

You’re tired of doing it, and it’s making you unhappy.

For some, the emotional labor of constantly asking for help, keeping track of household needs, and managing childcare creates deep resentment and exhaustion. And when that resentment builds, it can lead to emotional disconnection in a relationship.

So why does this happen? Several factors are at play:

• Traditional Gender Roles: Even if both partners work full-time, many women are still expected to handle the bulk of domestic responsibilities, a phenomenon often referred to as the second shift.

• Lack of Awareness: Many men don’t fully recognize the invisible workload of managing a home and kids, especially if they were raised in environments where women handled most household tasks.

• Power Dynamics: Some men believe their financial contributions outweigh household work, leading to an imbalance in effort and decision-making.

How to Shift Your Mindset When Your Husband Doesn’t Help

That night, as I sat in my hotel room, I realized something important—my husband wasn’t suddenly going to wake up and start seeing things from my perspective. I had spent so much time hoping he would just get it, but he wasn’t wired to notice the same things I did. If I wanted change, it had to start with me.

And no, that didn’t mean I needed to take on even more. It meant I had to stop seeing myself as someone who needed help and start seeing myself as an equal partner in managing our household.

Once I valued what I brought to the table, my approach changed. Instead of wanting “help” from him—because this wasn’t my responsibility alone—I started framing conversations differently. It was no longer about me needing help; it was about how we could better support our family based on our bandwidth.

How to Get Your Husband to Help with Household Chores

You May Have to Ask—And That’s Okay

I used to think my husband should just see what needed to be done and do it. But the truth is, if he’s never had to pay attention to these things before, it won’t suddenly become second nature.

Instead of expecting him to just notice, I started asking the way I would a friend or colleague—someone I respect and want to maintain a good relationship with. Not in a frustrated, passive-aggressive way, but with the assumption that he simply didn’t realize.

And when he followed through, I made sure to acknowledge it. We all respond better to positive reinforcement than to criticism. It’s not about rewarding someone for doing their part—it’s about reinforcing the effort so that, over time, it becomes automatic.

Present the Problem as a Team Issue

Instead of pointing fingers or telling him what he wasn’t doing, I started framing household management as something we needed to solve together. For example, I’d say: “I really want us to have home-cooked meals, but between work, the kids, and everything else, I feel exhausted. What do you think we could do?” This approach led to actual solutions instead of defensiveness.

Stop Using the Word ‘Help’

If you think about it, saying “I need you to help with the house” already puts you in a weaker position—it implies that the responsibility is yours, and he’s just assisting. Instead, I started seeing our household responsibilities as a shared effort. I no longer framed it as me needing his help but as us figuring out what worked best for our family. This shift changed everything. Now, my husband will clean the kitchen without me asking (at times), not because I nagged, but because he sees his role in keeping our household running.

Take Home Insights: Creating a More Balanced Home

• Most of the time, your husband isn’t intentionally trying to hurt you. Men and women think and communicate differently, and learning how men process things can be a powerful tool in building a better marriage.

• If you’re struggling with this right now, know that you’re not alone. This is a common issue in marriage, and small changes in communication can make a huge difference.

• Try assuming he doesn’t know, rather than assuming he’s ignoring you. This mindset shift alone can lead to more productive conversations and fewer feelings of resentment.

• It took me two years of therapy to get here, but with the right therapist, the process of learning and adjusting can be a great experience for you and your marriage.

• If therapy isn’t an option right now, I highly recommend these books for understanding your partner better:

  • Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus by John Gray

  • Beyond Mars and Venus by John Gray

  • Why Mars and Venus Collide by John Gray

What Has Worked for You?

Have you struggled with household imbalance? What has worked for you? Share in the comments—I’d love to hear how you’re navigating this in your own relationship.