You are most probably here to find out how to live with a narcissist husband. But is it even possible or healthy for you? That’s a valid question and one this article takes care of as well.
Honestly, we are all a little selfish by nature. After all, we are human. But overcoming this tendency is a must if you are to live a fulfilling life. A hallmark of true love is putting the needs of another before yours, at least for the most part. Narcissism negates that.
Ever heard of Narcissus? He is a character in Greek mythology who was famous for his beauty. The story goes that he fell in love with his own reflection rather than pursue romantic relationships. Guess what? His character is the origin of the term “narcissist,” which means “an unhealthy obsession with oneself.”
So, should you call it quits and leave if your husband is a narcissist? After all, you deserve better, right? However, you shouldn’t jump the gun just yet, especially if you love your spouse. Here’s why:
Your husband isn’t being intentionally cruel; he is sick. Yes, that’s right! A narcissistic personality disorder is a medical condition. This means with the right information, you can find a sustainable solution. All hope isn’t lost.
So, hang in there. Help has arrived on how you should deal with a narcissist spouse. To start you off, here are the signs that you are dealing with a narcissist husband.
Is Your Husband Really A Narcissist?
Before going any further, you have to be absolutely sure your husband is a narcissist. After all, he wasn’t like that when you met, right?
This is a confusing issue to deal with. However, with the right information, you can approach it head-on without second-guessing yourself. Here are the major giveaways that you are dealing with a husband who is a narcissist.
Gaslighting
Being gaslighted is a traumatizing experience. It’s a situation where your spouse makes you doubt your sanity.
For example, you confront him on an issue, and before you know it, he has turned the tables on you. Suddenly, it’s your fault. Why can’t you be understanding? Are you sure you aren’t becoming your mother? This is why your past relationships didn’t amount to much.
Narcissists love this approach; why? It shifts the blame from them. Not only that, but by also breaking you down mentally, they become ‘better’ than you.
It’s a sickening practice, honestly.
Negative Criticism
It is impossible to be okay with everything your spouse does. It’s completely natural to disagree on issues in a marriage. But if your husband is prone to negative criticism, then you have a major problem.
Couples in healthy relationships talk things out; it’s the adult way of solving problems. But you can’t come to an agreement if your husband is selfish and constantly ridicules your efforts, talks you down, or just straight-up insults you.
A narcissist husband does this to inflate his ego or escape responsibility. This is heartbreaking because you might end up believing you are inadequate.
A ‘Grey’ Marriage
Do you remember what courting was like? The intense attention he gave you? His elaborate gestures of dedication? His endless declarations of undying love? Those were the good times.
This is probably why you fell for him. It sucks but narcissists know that as women, we are suckers for romance and charm.
When it suits him, such a person will make you believe you are the only thing he cares about. However, once you are married, the facade drops. The colorful courting is replaced by a grey, dull, and depressing marriage where romance and laughter are in short supply.
There is a reason for this. Like players, a narcissist views every woman as a conquest. He will go to great lengths to get you with the sole intention of inflating their ego. Once the ‘conquest’ ends, he makes you his emotional punching bag.
Serenades become insults, and instead of making you laugh, he ridicules you. A complete 180 turn of events that makes you doubt your sanity.
He Intentionally Makes You Jealous
No self-respecting man goes out of his way to make a woman feel bad about herself. It’s just plain wrong.
But try telling this to a narcissist spouse. It’s a way of making you seek his approval on every issue. It’s messed up, but it works. Think about it. If someone you love compares you to other women or repeatedly flirts around, wouldn’t it make you feel inadequate?
As a result, you might go out of your way to try and meet his ridiculous standards. In a sick way, he gets to boost his fragile self-esteem and control you in one fell swoop.
I know, it’s cold and absolutely Machiavellian.
He Is Incredibly Jealous
Oh! The sweet irony.
A self-obsessed spouse is okay with making you jealous but he blows a fuse when your attention goes to someone else. Apparently, don’t dish it out if you can’t take it is a foreign concept to narcissists.
It always has to be about him ;your career, friends, and family can take a hike. God forbid that another man shows you attention, even if it’s harmless.
Yes, men are territorial by nature. But would a stable spouse be jealous of your child? Of course not! But studies show that narcissistic husbands react irrationally after you give birth.
Now, it can swing both ways. He will either resent the fact that you have to focus on the newborn, or he will ignore you completely and focus solely on the child. Either way, it’s not a healthy situation.
Lack Of Empathy
A narcissist will always put himself first in every situation.
As you know, this turns marriage into a hellish experience. A relationship is a two-way street with give and take. If your husband disregards your feelings and doesn’t view you as an equal, then what’s the point? You can’t depend on him, he won’t support you in any meaningful way, and he will only chip in when it benefits him.
Without empathy, your marriage is as good as dead. The problem is, a self-obsessed husband will shift the blame on you when you bring up the issue. He will insist you are hard-to-please, ungrateful, and prone to complaining.
That said, how do you deal with a narcissist husband? That’s what you will be learning next.
How To Live With A Narcissist Husband
Living with a narcissist is by no means a picnic. While calling it quits and jumping ship might seem like a good idea, there are tried and tested ways of dealing with a narcissist. Read on to find out more.
Don’t Be Baited
A common trait with all narcissists is that they love attention; they will do anything and everything to get you to focus on them. Understanding this is important. It allows you to see the attention-seeking antics for what they are.
Make no mistake, this won’t be a cakewalk. Remember, narcissists are master manipulators. Since your husband knows you well, he will know which buttons to push.
You have to keep your head on a swivel when you are dealing with him. Watch what he says and reflect before reacting. It’s exhausting, but this way, you won’t easily fall for his tactics. This applies to both positive and negative behaviors. Don’t assume anything.
By meeting unreasonable behavior with calm and composure, he is denied the satisfaction of drawing a reaction from you. That’s precisely how to handle a narcissistic husband without confrontation.
Set Up Boundaries
Setting up boundaries in a marriage might seem like overkill. But desperate times call for desperate measures. Don’t let a narcissistic husband have his way every time. Set a line in the sand and let him know when he crosses it.
The problem with a self-absorbed husband is when you give him an inch, he will take a mile. You have to foot down on issues that make you uncomfortable.
Now, there is a high chance that he will start an argument if you take this approach. But remember, don’t take his bait. It’s what he expects.
Call him out on his actions with resolve. Don’t waiver when he throws a tantrum. That’s how to deal with a narcissist spouse hell-bent on denying you freedom.
After all, what else can he do? Sulk? Insult you? Ignore you? Unless you allow it, these tactics have no power over you. Setting up boundaries shows him you mean business, and you will not be pushed around.
Of course, this won’t happen overnight. It takes time, determination, and grit.
Stand Up For Yourself
Despite what your experience living with a narcissist has made you believe, you have an iron will.
It might be suppressed as a result of an unhealthy marriage, but make no mistake, it is deep within you. Nurturing it back to life is the only way you can survive a narcissistic spouse. So, how can you do this?
By standing up for yourself.
Like I said earlier, call out your spouse when he does something you don’t agree with. Of course, he will use every trick in his book to turn the tables on you but don’t back down.
A word of advice: Though it takes time, you have to suppress your anger in such situations. Yes, you have every right to be pissed off. But, giving in to your rage is playing right into his hands.
While anger is a powerful emotion, it’s useless against a self-absorbed spouse. Instead, meet him head-on with a clear and rational mind.
Think about it. How would you handle an unreasonable child? By shouting at them, therefore lowering yourself to their level, or by taking the high road?
Dealing with a narcissist husband shouldn’t be any different.
This won’t be easy by any means. But, before you can walk, you must first crawl. It’s all about consistency. Chip away at the problem bit by bit. Re-learning how to love someone, especially a spouse with narcissist tendencies, is a grueling process.
In time, you will be able to stare him down without flinching. You will break down his irrational and selfish demands with cool and rational counterarguments.
He will come to realize that you are not his emotional plaything but a self-aware woman who won’t take his nonsense lying down. Now, how to handle a narcissist husband like a pro.
Do Not Make Excuses For Him
Even though you love your husband, making excuses for his hurtful behavior isn’t healthy. Yes, narcissism is a disorder, but this doesn’t excuse the negative ways in which he treats you.
He knows better.
Otherwise, he wouldn’t have bothered with wooing you before tying the knot. Despite what he tells you, your self-obsessed spouse is terrified at the prospect of losing you.
His selfish behavior is meant to make you think that you need him more. In truth, it is the other way around.
Let me let you in on a secret: Narcissists have fragile egos. It’s why they need constant validation and adoration. This proves one thing: You are still in control.
But, making excuses for your husband means you will end up blaming yourself for his behavior. Of course, this is what a narcissist wants: someone else taking the responsibility for their mess. If you decide to make your marriage work, then you will have to see your husband for what he is.
This is the foundation of handling a narcissist spouse. Otherwise, your self-esteem will be destroyed in the course of your marriage.
Go Back To ‘Doing Your Thing’
Narcissists want what they cannot have.
Remember what you were like before falling for your husband? You had a life of your own.
From dreams and aspirations to goals that kept you motivated. You probably kept in touch with your family and your circle of friends. You had hobbies of your own and ideas that kept you up at night.
So, what changed?
You became isolated, and all you could think about was making your husband be madly in love with you. But there is only one problem: No matter how much effort you give, it’s never enough.
It is possible that over time, you distanced yourself from your friends and family. You gave up your hobbies and your goals and took a back seat. But don’t beat yourself up.
Despite how you might feel, it isn’t your fault and the damage isn’t permanent. Rebuilding your life and patching up old relationships will get your mind off your unhealthy marriage. Of course, your husband won’t welcome this change.
After all, he needs you to be isolated and dependent on him. Reigniting your sense of independence will work wonders for your mental well-being. Don’t be afraid to seek help. You don’t have to hope to do this by yourself, and you don’t have to.
Friends and family will serve as a support system in your darkest times. Spending time with them will remind you what it’s like being the center of attention for a change. Be resolute, don’t waver in your course.
You had a life before your marriage, and you can still rebuild it regardless of your current predicament. While this process will take time, the end result will be worth it.
The best part? It’s a win-win situation for you.
Your husband can either come along on your terms or be relegated to the sidewalk. His choice.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
Is Narcissism A Personality Disorder?
Yes, it is. Otherwise referred to as NPD, it is listed with other mental disorders. Examples include schizoid personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and others. The best way to approach narcissism personality disorder is by seeking medical advice.
Now, your husband might not be open to the idea. However, you might get through to him by explaining how his behavior is damaging your marriage.
A mental health professional will provide a diagnosis and provide sustainable solutions to the problem. But there is a catch.
Narcissists are master manipulators and liars. Unless he wants help, your husband will try to fool the doctor. And the sad part is, there is a high chance he will succeed.
Can A Narcissist Person Become Physically Abusive?
It’s a coin toss.
It depends on your husband’s predisposition to violence and his personality. However, it could happen to you, especially if you don’t take a stand early on in your marriage.
Remember, a narcissist will slowly push your boundaries trying to figure out how much you can take. This is why it is important to stand up for yourself.
Do not make the mistake of excusing abusive behavior. Being self-obsessed is one thing; abuse is a whole other ball game. Call him out for it and notify your loved one the moment it happens. It will keep him in check.
A word of advice. There is no point in staying in an abusive marriage. You are better off walking away instead. Trust me, nothing is worth that level of disrespect.
Can A Narcissist Husband Change?
In all honesty, it depends on his personality and the value he places on your relationship. Remember, most narcissists do not realize they have a problem.
If your husband doesn’t want to lose you, then he will take the necessary steps to be a better man. It will be hard but he will change for the better over time.
However, if your spouse is drunk on his inflated ego, then nothing can be done. You will have to decide whether to leave or stay. It all depends on you. Choose wisely.
All that said, now the ball is in your court. Armed with all this information, you will be in a perfect position to make the right decision on how to deal with a narcissist spouse.
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