How To (REALLY) Make Your Husband Love You Madly

Updated June 2021

A Google search of “how to really make your husband love you again” will provide you with a range of answers, from buying sexy underwear to playing hard to get or losing 10 pounds. Do any of these actually work? And how do you know what advice is plausible and what is laughable? 

Simple: Listen to someone who’s actually managed to make her husband love her again—me. 

Oh, sure, you can swoon over his muscles, laugh at his jokes, or brag about how much money he makes, but that will only make him happy on the outside. Real and lasting love is about what’s on the inside. A husband who’s not only driven by external triggers will require a different approach to making him love you.

If you want nothing more than to slap a pretty band-aid on the deeper wounds in your relationship, then by all means swoon away.

But if you want to truly know how to make your husband love you again, read on and discover six mile markers in the journey to get your relationship back on track and where you want it.

Marker One: Why Is Your Relationship In Trouble? 

Before you can find a way to make your husband love you again, you need to find out why he has been loving you less. This may sound incredibly harsh, but it is a truth that you need to claim before you can fix it. 

If you want an airy-fairy relationship based on illusion, you can go right ahead and skip this step. But if you want to really make your husband love you, then you first need to find out why he doesn’t (or seems not to).

Sometimes life, stress, and lack of affection can feel exactly the same. Has something happened in your family to put a strain on you and your husband’s relationship? Any of these can make you doubt your husband’s affection for you:

• Prolonged illness
• Financial troubles
• Parenting difficulties
• A new job or some other kind of transition

A friend of mine and her husband had been married several years when one of them changed careers. Unfortunately, the career change meant their time together was suddenly limited to only a few minutes each day.

The lack of time, physical and emotional intimacy, and poor communication caused friction between them that they’d never dealt with before. Hidden insecurities they both had about their relationship were suddenly thrust into the spotlight. Their lives were totally different, and they had to choose between adjusting to a new normal or giving up.

Thankfully, this couple made it through their rough patch and were made stronger by it, but it wasn’t easy. At several points along this new road, each of them had to decide if their relationship was worth the pain they were feeling. They had to make a resolute decision about it; they read books about marriage, attended counseling, and learned to love each other more deeply and differently than before.

Maybe you and your hubs haven’t experienced a difficult transition, but you’ve walked through your own trials and tribulations like an illness, financial troubles, or something else entirely that has created stress and fostered a lack of intimacy between you.

Think back now. What caused the troubles in your relationship to date? Once you put your finger on the cause of the issue, you can begin to find unique and creative ways to change things up or bring your relationship back from the brink.

There are many ways in which you can do this reflection. You can write about it, talk with your partner about it, or you can spend some time with a relationship coach to help you make the connections or join the dots on what your relationship roadmap looks like. 

Once you have a better idea of what may be hurting your relationship, ruining your chances of getting your husband to love you, or holding back marital bliss for you, then it’s time to begin planning. What does your ideal relationship look like? How do you wish for your husband’s love for you to manifest?

If you’re afraid your husband doesn’t love you anymore, what would your relationship look like if he did? Would he be more affectionate? Would he want to spend more alone time with you? Would he initiate lovemaking more often? Perhaps your sex life would be more spicey if he loved you more?

What are the specific improvements you’d like to see in your marriage? Visualize them, plan what these improvements would look like, how you will achieve them, and what you need before these can happen. If you have ever wondered how to fix a marriage, there is help on how to get your husband to love you again.

Marker Two: Rekindle Romance – His Way

It’s no secret: men are different from women. One thing they have in common, however, is they both enjoy being romanced (whether he admits it or not). All of us appreciate that feeling of love when we come home from work. After all, home (and our partner) is our soft place to crash after a busy day. An unloving partner will deny you this kind of comfort as they often deny it to themselves.

The essence of romance is saying “I love you” and “I want you” with actions instead of words. This becomes your love language, and while we all intend for our words and actions to be interpreted the right way, they seldom are. For women, romance can look like a man doing something special for her: sending flowers, buying a gift, taking her on a romantic date or getaway. We love to see there is some thought on our partner’s part. The fact that they are thinking of us tends to matter more than the gift itself. 

However, chances are your husband doesn’t want flowers or chocolate. So what does he want? How could you show him you love and want him without words? What is his love language? 

You could try:

• Planning an adventure or date based entirely on what he likes to do for a night out (or in!) – his favorite restaurant, his favorite type of movie, etc.
• Wearing those sexy (but uncomfortable) panties he likes on a quick trip together to dinner and the grocery store – because sometimes you gotta find date night where you can.
• Offering to help him with a chore he usually does alone – fixing the sink, mowing the lawn – simply because you want to spend time with him. There is great bonding involved around your hubby’s workspace in the garage.
• Arranging to send the kids out of the house for the weekend or even just a night so that the two of you can enjoy the freedom of being as spontaneous (or as loud) as you like while you work on your sexual intimacy and rediscover physical contact.

There are plenty of ways to romance your husband, but the most important thing to remember is why you’re romancing him and committing to being with him. Everyone likes to feel special and chosen. By making an effort, you will ensure your husband feels valued, and he will then be drawn to you. Essentially, you want him to know that you love him and that you want him. If you’re wondering how to make your husband want you again, this is the way to do it.

Marker Three: Use The Right Words

Words are powerful, there’s no denying that. Remember the old adage, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me?” Well, anyone over the age of five can tell you that this is a flat-out lie because we’ve all been hurt by words. You may recall something your husband said that hurt you, and he probably has a few memories of your words hurting him in the past. Words have power.

We’ve all been wounded, sometimes deeply, sometimes for a lifetime, by what other people have said to us. Unfortunately, we’ve all spoken words that have wounded others as well. We know that words can be dangerous weapons.

But more importantly, words also have the creative power to heal. We can use our words to speak life into someone and into our relationship – to speak courage, love, and truth to someone who desperately needs to hear it. Your words can chase your husband away or bring him back.

How do you speak to people? Do you instantly attack them or speak badly to them? Probably not. Oh, sure, we all have a sarcastic bone in us that tends to poke at people, but for the most part, we don’t use this daily… except when it comes to our husbands, that is. For some inexplicable reason we tend to zing them. Why is this?

It’s not that he doesn’t deserve my spoken love and encouragement. It’s not that I don’t want to sincerely compliment and encourage him with my words. So why don’t I use my words to uplift and encourage him?

Like me, you’ve got plenty of excuses, I’m sure.

Maybe I just get distracted by my wifely and motherly duties, so I don’t think about my husband that much. Perhaps it’s hard to find time to have a deep and meaningful conversation, so I put it off. Or maybe – and I shudder to admit it – I simply take him for granted.

Regardless of why I don’t prioritize speaking words of affirmation to him, the point is that I need to recognize that my neglect of my husband’s emotional needs is bad for my marriage, and I should take steps to change it.

I set a reminder on my phone so I remember to send him an encouraging message when he has a big meeting just to let him know I’m thinking of him and I believe in him. He may not say it, but receiving a message five minutes before that big pitch telling him you have faith in him, you know he will give it his best, and you’re making his favorite for dinner while the kids are at grandma’s for tonight will help him feel appreciated, considered, and loved. 

So speaking words of affirmation to him is one way you can use your words to make your husband fall in love with you all over again. Here’s another way I get my husband to love me again: Use my words to create a peaceful atmosphere.

I heard it said once that wives set the temperature in the home. Is your home a warm, loving, peaceful place? Or is it cold, contentious, and irritable? Your words can welcome your husband at the door at the end of the day or send him scurrying off (tail between the legs) to a bar for drinks with his mates you don’t approve of instead. Don’t complain that your husband doesn’t love you or spend time with you when you’ve been a harpy from hell. 

While a woman certainly doesn’t have complete control over the atmosphere in her home (other people live there, after all), she can do things to set the stage for peace and contentment.

Here are some dos and don’ts for creating a peaceful home with your words.

DO Practice Positive Communication

Speak kindly to your husband, to your kids, and even to your dog. Practice speaking calmly when you feel angry. Remember to say “please” and “thank you” even when you’re directing your kids to do their chores. Work on replacing negative statements with positive ones. If nothing else, simply try to take a breath before talking, as this will diffuse your temper and help you think before you speak. Once spoken, words take on a life of their own. Be responsible for what leaves your mouth or have an empty heart as a result.

DON’T Nag Your Husband Or Your Kids 

Avoid constantly complaining or worrying aloud about things you’re afraid of. Don’t insist on arguing when you believe you’re right (Guilty!). Learn to let things go. I know it’s hard, but I’m sure that I… er… you can do it. Hanging on to resentment will fill up your hands, and soon, you won’t have a hand open to take hold of your husband anymore.

DO Speak Well Of Your Husband 

This includes how you speak of him to your kids, your friends, your mom – to everyone. That’s not to say that you can’t have a heartfelt conversation with your bestie when you need to vent, but don’t do your venting everywhere. And NEVER vent to a friend who does not respect your husband or your marriage. You need healthy encouragement, not someone poisoning your ear against your husband.

Avoid complaining or speaking negatively about your husband to your children. Don’t let them speak negatively of him either. It’s not a contest of who’s the better parent. Also, don’t allow your kids to speak disrespectfully to your husband for any reason. Teach and expect them to be respectful of your husband’s authority, just as they should be respectful of yours.

Marker Four: RESPECT, RESPECT, RESPECT

You might have heard the saying, “Women want love, men want sex.” While that’s certainly true to some extent, this is even more true:

Women want love, men want respect.

Your husband needs to know that you respect him and that you value and admire him as a person, as a father (if you have kids), and as a husband. A sure-fire way to make your husband love you less is to constantly make him feel disrespected. Conversely, if you want to draw your husband’s affections back to you, look for ways you can show him respect.

Some easy ways to begin showing your husband greater respect include:

Listen When He Talks 

Put down your phone, put down the remote, stop whatever you’re doing, and listen. Give him your full attention when he talks to you. If you can’t listen right then because you’re cooking, helping with homework, or some other reason, say, “Honey, I really want to hear this, but I can’t listen right now. Can we save this conversation for later?” And then make sure you bring it up again or he will think you just blew him off.

Never Put Your Husband Down 

Never make fun of him or speak badly of him to others, especially in front of him.

Always Show Your Appreciation

The following is a true and mortifying story that happened just last week.

To set the stage: It’s our 19th wedding anniversary. We’re on our way home from dinner and a play at a local community theater – a play he took me to because I asked, not because he was interested, after taking me to a restaurant that I chose.

Him, sounding casual: “Did you notice that I vacuumed and dusted the inside of the car today?”

Me, oblivious: “No, I didn’t. Did you clean the change holder? It’s so gross.”

Him: “Well, I really don’t know how to get that clean. I vacuumed it…”

Me: “Hmmm…”

*Awkward silence.*

Did you notice the glaring absences of this conversation, such as the fact that I never said “Thank you?” I never told him that I appreciated him cleaning out my car without being asked or going the extra mile of wiping down the interior and even vacuuming the floor.

Eventually, I did remember to thank him, but it was a hollow gesture that fell flat. My response at the time was disrespectful of the effort he’d put forth and of the sentiment behind it. He didn’t say anything else about it, but I know it must have made him feel slighted. I wouldn’t blame him if he decided right then and there to never do something nice for me again.

If he’d treated me that way, that’s what I would’ve done. And worse.

Learn from me, friends. Respect his efforts and intentions. Save your questions and constructive criticism for later, and just say “Thank you” when you get the chance.

Marker Five: Find An Activity You Both Like

Last fall, I got tired of feeling lazy and tired, so I decided on a determined whim to take up running. Through research, I found a local running group and told my husband I wanted to join. To my surprise, he showed interest in joining too, and we started running together four to five times a week.

It turned out to be as good for our marriage as it was for our health! Now we were spending 30 to 45 minutes together, just the two of us, almost every day. Sure, we spent a good chunk of that time unable to breathe, much less talk, but it was also time spent encouraging and spurring each other on. We became each other’s biggest supporters and started to look to  each other for encouragement, which is how a marriage should be. We bonded on the road, and this helped me and my husband walk the road of life together too. 

While you might not want to start running (This lazy girl doesn’t blame you!), find something to do with your husband that you both enjoy. Then make it a priority so it doesn’t fall under the “We don’t have time” excuse. You’ll watch your relationship strengthen as you spend that time together.

Bonus: And… Touch Him More

Meet him at the door with a kiss. Put your hand on his arm when you’re in the car. Touch his back or his shoulder when you walk past him. Sit next to him on the couch when you watch Netflix. Hold hands like teenagers because you want him to feel the same flame that burned when you first started dating. If that’s gone out, then find a way to reignite it by using the above markers.

Non-sexual physical touch has plenty of well-researched benefits. Touch builds trust. It creates feelings of reward, compassion, and love. When we touch, it makes us feel safe. It soothes and even calms cardiovascular stress, and it strengthens your immune system. Touch helps us feel like we’re a part of something bigger than ourselves, such as a team or family. By touching your husband, you let him know you are inviting him into the marriage. It doesn’t always need to be an invitation to sex. It can simply be that loving feeling when he gets home from work. You have the power to make him feel at home.

Non-sexual touch between a husband and a wife can also lead to greater sexual intimacy. Touch leads to more touch and a greater desire to be touched. If you’re dealing with a dwindling libido, begin touching your husband more often and see if it doesn’t help you want him more.

A marriage devoid of physical affection can begin to feel too much like a friendship, which is the exact opposite of what you want. We tend to take our friends for granted. Don’t let this happen with your husband.

Finally, Be Happy With Yourself

Sometimes men become frustrated in a marriage when the wife’s whole life is wrapped up in him. He might feel overwhelmed if your need for attention, fulfillment, and affirmation is a constant pressure. The expectation that he will be your “everything” is a daunting one, and he might begin to back off if it feels like too much.

The best thing you can do if that’s the case is find something you love to do and then do it. Are you an animal person? Volunteer at your local animal shelter. Love people? Find out how you can help your local homeless shelter. If you love to write, start a blog. If you love to read, start a book club. If you love photography, take a class.

Pursuing a passion of your own will bring you satisfaction and fulfillment outside of your marriage and children. It will help you feel validated and valuable to the world beyond your four walls. When you don’t need your husband to meet all of your emotional needs, it allows him to love you the way that comes naturally to him. You can open the door for your husband to really love you again.

If you’re worried about how to make your husband love you again, rekindling his affection might seem like an intimidating prospect. But don’t despair! It might be difficult, but it’s not impossible. You know your husband better than anyone else. You know what he needs, what he likes, and what he enjoys. Put that knowledge to work for you, and pursue the man you fell in love with. When you do, you’ll be gratified to see that he begins to pursue you back. This is how to make your husband fall back in love with you.

Have your own great advice? Leave it in the comments!