How to Save Your Marriage When the Same Problems Keep Coming Back

When your marriage isn’t going well, it’s very easy to know exactly what would fix it.

Your spouse needs to change.

If he would communicate better, help more, stop being so defensive, show more affection, listen when you talk, or finally understand what you’ve been trying to tell him, things could be different.

The frustrating part is that your spouse may have his own version of that list.

Somewhere along the way, you can end up in a marriage where both people are waiting for the other person to change first. That’s exactly what happened with my husband and me. Our therapy sessions became a list we’d both created about what the other person needed to change in order for us not to have the issues we were having within our marriage.

And then I realized:

You don’t have to wait for your spouse to change before you start changing your marriage. And I have no control over what my husband does within our marriage. I can only control how I show up.

I’ve actually come to believe that changing how you show up can drastically change the entire dynamic between two people.

That doesn’t mean you can single-handedly create a happy marriage regardless of what your spouse does. You can’t make another person communicate, become affectionate, take responsibility, rebuild trust, or even want to stay married.

But you can set the conditions for your spouse to show up better.

Relationships develop patterns, and you’re part of those patterns. When you stop participating in them in exactly the same way, something has to shift.

What happens next isn’t entirely up to you.

Your spouse may respond differently, and the two of you may begin finding your way back to each other. You could also discover that even when you change your part of the dynamic, your spouse has no interest in changing theirs.

You don’t control that part.

But you can find out what happens when you stop waiting for them to go first.

Pay Attention to the Patterns You Keep Repeating

One idea from our previous article that I still find useful is paying attention to what happens between you instead of automatically doing more of whatever you’ve already been doing.

If you’ve explained the same concern 15 different times and every conversation ends with both of you furious, explaining it louder on the 16th attempt probably isn’t the breakthrough.

Look at the pattern.

Think about what usually starts it and what happens next. How do you respond? What does your spouse do in return? Where does the conversation usually end up?

You might realize that whenever you feel ignored, you start listing every other time you’ve felt ignored during the marriage. Your spouse becomes defensive, which feels like further proof that he doesn’t care, and now you’re even angrier.

In another marriage, one person raises their voice and the other shuts down. The silence gets interpreted as not caring, so the first person pushes harder. That only creates more withdrawal.

At some point, it almost doesn’t matter who originally started doing what.

You know the dance.

Changing the dynamic means noticing when it starts again and choosing not to follow the same steps all the way to the same ending.

Our previous article approached changing your response primarily as a way to get a different response from your spouse. I’ve adjusted that idea. What matters more to me now is recognizing that you already know where the old response leads. Being willing to try a different response, even when it feels unfamiliar or uncomfortable, may be enough to shift the pattern between you.

Ask Yourself What You’re Actually Trying to Fix

I want to fix my marriage sounds like a goal.

But what does a fixed marriage actually look like to you?

For one person, it might mean not arguing all the time. Someone else may miss affection or want to feel emotionally close again. Maybe you’re exhausted from carrying responsibilities alone, no longer trust your spouse, or simply miss enjoying each other.

Those aren’t the same problems.

Our previous article encouraged getting specific about what you mean when you say you want a better marriage. That’s one piece of the original advice I would absolutely keep.

Take I want him to be more loving.

What would make you feel more loved? It could be more affection or time together. Maybe you want to hear I love you, feel supported when you’re overwhelmed, or have your spouse initiate plans with you.

The same applies when you’re fighting constantly. Are the arguments really about several unrelated problems, or is one unresolved issue appearing in 15 different forms?

Fix my marriage can feel impossibly large.

A specific problem gives you somewhere to begin.

Before You React, Find Out What You’re Really Reacting To

Our previous article included a story I still think illustrates this beautifully.

A husband joked about having to make coffee for his wife.

She immediately became defensive.

Nobody is making you get me coffee. I can get it myself.

For the rest of the morning, seemingly unrelated things he did irritated her.

Eventually, she realized the coffee wasn’t really the problem.

Her husband often showed love through doing things for his family, and she sometimes worried that he did more than she did. His little joke landed directly on an insecurity she was already carrying.

She thought she was angry about his comment. What had actually been touched was something deeper.

I’ve found that there can be tremendous value in asking yourself:

Why did that bother me so much?

There won’t always be some hidden emotional explanation. Sometimes you’re upset because your spouse did something inconsiderate, and that’s really all there is to it.

Other times, today’s argument has attached itself to something much bigger.

You may think you’re furious because he forgot something, then realize you’re exhausted from feeling like you’re responsible for remembering everything.

A joke might land particularly hard because it touches an insecurity you’ve carried for years. What looks like an argument about tonight could even connect to something that happened six months ago and was never resolved.

Understanding what you’re actually upset about gives you a much better chance of talking about the real problem.

Learn How to Disagree Without Creating a Second Problem

I don’t think fixing a marriage means learning how to never disagree.

Two people can love each other and still get angry, misunderstand each other, and see the same situation completely differently.

But one of the biggest adjustments I’d make to our previous advice is this:

You don’t have to resolve the disagreement while you’re angry.

In fact, I’ve found that trying to get someone to understand your point while both of you are heated rarely works.

In the middle of an argument, how often does someone suddenly stop and say, Hmm…I get your point now?

Usually, both people are trying to be heard. You’re reacting to what was just said while thinking about what you’re going to say next. Something gets interpreted the wrong way, voices get louder, and now you’re further away from resolving the original problem than you were when the conversation started.

Sometimes the better choice is to stop.

That doesn’t mean ignoring the issue or refusing to talk about it. It means recognizing that this may not be the best moment to have the conversation.

Give yourselves time to calm down and come back to it when you’re both in a better position to actually hear each other.

This also helps with something our previous article got right: an argument can begin with a legitimate issue, but somebody says something hurtful and suddenly the argument becomes about what was said during the argument.

Now you have two problems: the original issue and the damage done while trying to resolve it.

Waiting until you’re calmer can help prevent that second problem.

And if you do say something you regret, you can take responsibility for it without abandoning the original concern:

I’m still upset about what happened, but I shouldn’t have spoken to you that way.

Having a legitimate complaint doesn’t mean you handled the conversation well. You can acknowledge your part and still come back to the issue that needs to be resolved.

Stop Assuming You Already Know What Your Spouse Meant

Here’s another idea from our previous article that I still like.

Imagine your spouse is two hours late and you’re furious.

Then you learn there was a major accident on the road.

Your emotional response changes because the meaning you’ve assigned to the behavior changes.

Of course, most marriage conflicts aren’t that simple. But we interpret each other’s behavior constantly.

He doesn’t care.

She’s trying to control me.

He knew that would bother me.

She never appreciates anything I do.

Those interpretations may be based on years of experience. Other times, we’re filling in information we don’t actually have.

Before responding to the story you’ve created about what your spouse meant, find out what actually happened. Ask and listen to the answer before deciding what you think about it.

Your first interpretation may turn out to be exactly right.

Or there may be something you didn’t know.

Relearn How to Talk to Each Other

Sometimes communication problems aren’t really about knowing the correct way to communicate.

You’ve simply stopped talking.

Life can do that to a marriage.

There are mornings to get through, jobs, children, appointments, dinner, laundry, bills, and a hundred other things competing for your attention.

By the end of the day, you’re exhausted.

How was your day?

Good.

How was yours?

Good.

And that’s basically the conversation.

Do that long enough and two people who once stayed up talking for hours can eventually realize they know surprisingly little about what’s happening inside each other’s lives.

You don’t necessarily need a profound relationship conversation every night.

Start by saying more than good.

Tell him something funny that happened or something you’ve been thinking about. Ask what frustrated him today or what he’s looking forward to.

The goal here is simply to become curious about each other again. You don’t need a list of deep questions or a scheduled heart-to-heart every night to start doing that.

Notice What Is Still Good Without Pretending Everything Is Fine

When you’re unhappy in your marriage, your attention naturally goes toward the things that aren’t working.

The dishes he left behind stand out. So does the conversation he didn’t initiate, the thing he forgot, or the affection that wasn’t there.

Those things may matter.

But if you’re only looking for evidence of what’s wrong, eventually that may become all you see.

Our previous article recommended deliberately looking for things you appreciate about your spouse and telling him you noticed.

I still like that advice.

I’ve adjusted the reason behind it.

I wouldn’t praise your spouse as a technique for getting him to do more of the things you want. Appreciation matters because it’s part of seeing another person fully.

Maybe he handled something with the kids beautifully, fixed something that’s been broken for weeks, made you laugh when you desperately needed it, or remembered something that mattered to you.

When you notice something, say it.

I appreciated that.

Thank you for doing that.

You handled that really well.

None of this requires pretending the problems in your marriage don’t exist.

You can appreciate something your spouse did this morning and still need to have a serious conversation tonight.

Both can be true.

Look Back at What Was Different When Things Were Better

If your marriage has been struggling for a long time, it can be difficult to remember that it wasn’t always like this.

Think back anyway.

What was different between the two of you when you felt closer?

I’m not asking you to conclude that everything was better because you were nicer to your spouse. Look at the whole relationship.

Maybe you spent more time together, laughed more, or could talk without every conversation becoming logistical. There may have been more physical affection, curiosity, appreciation, or simply less accumulated resentment.

Think about what each of you did differently then and what changed along the way.

You aren’t trying to recreate the first six months of your relationship. Life may be completely different now.

You’re looking for clues.

Some of the things that once helped you feel connected may not have disappeared because they stopped working. Life got crowded, routines changed, and the relationship stopped getting the same attention.

Changing Yourself Can Change Your Marriage, but You Don’t Control the Outcome

This is where I’ve made one of the biggest adjustments to our previous advice.

The original idea was that you could change your marriage even if you were the only one trying.

I still believe there is a lot of truth in that, but I would explain it differently today.

You can drastically change the dynamics of your marriage by changing how you show up in it.

Stop yelling and the yelling-and-defending pattern has to change. When you quit keeping score, that element of your arguments is no longer there. Saying what you actually need instead of hoping your spouse figures it out changes the conversation. Becoming curious rather than immediately assuming intent creates the possibility of hearing something different.

When one person changes their part of a pattern, the pattern itself has to adjust.

The piece I would add today is that you cannot control how your spouse responds to that change.

He may soften too, become more willing to talk, or start noticing his own behavior. Perhaps your changes create enough movement that the two of you begin finding your way back toward each other.

But your spouse also has agency.

At some point, repairing a marriage requires two people who are willing to participate in the repair.

If your spouse doesn’t respond the way you hoped, that doesn’t make the changes you’ve made pointless. You’re getting to see what happens when you stop focusing all of your energy on changing another person and become intentional about the person you actually control.

Change the dynamic, then pay attention to what your spouse does with the opportunity for something different.

You have control over how you show up and which patterns you’re willing to keep participating in. Changing those things can open the door to a very different relationship.

Whether your spouse walks through that door with you is ultimately up to them.