How to Make a Long-Distance Relationship Work When Communication Gets Hard

Long-distance relationships can be tough in ways that are difficult to understand until you’ve been in one.

You can miss someone terribly when they’re gone and then find yourself feeling strangely distant when they’re finally with you. You get used to living separate lives, then have to adjust to being together, only to separate again.

And when something goes wrong, you can’t necessarily reach over and touch your partner’s hand, see the look on their face, or have one of those small everyday moments that reminds you that you’re okay.

Instead, you may have a phone, a text, or a video call—and sometimes a whole lot of room to misunderstand each other.

That doesn’t mean long-distance relationships can’t work. But I do think they require more intentional communication because you don’t have all the little moments of physical presence that can help couples understand and reconnect with each other.

Here are some of the things I’d pay particular attention to.

Make Sure You’re Still Actually Dating Each Other

When you’re in a long-distance relationship, it’s easy for communication to become something that happens in the spaces between everything else.

Maybe you call while driving somewhere, or he calls while making dinner. You exchange texts throughout the day and talk before one of you falls asleep.

You’re communicating.

But are you dating?

There’s a difference.

Try setting aside time that’s specifically for the two of you. It doesn’t have to be an elaborate virtual date every time. The point is that you’re both there because you’ve chosen to spend that time together and give each other your attention.

Talk. Laugh. Watch something together. Eat dinner while on video. Find whatever feels natural for the two of you.

Not every conversation needs to be meaningful or romantic either. If you were living in the same place, you wouldn’t spend every moment discussing your relationship.

Sometimes you would just hang out.

Long-distance couples need some version of that too.

Tell Your Partner How You’re Actually Feeling

One advantage of being physically around someone is that they can sometimes tell something is wrong before you say anything.

Your face looks different. Maybe you’re unusually quiet or your energy is off.

Distance takes away a lot of those clues, which means you may have to say things that would otherwise be obvious.

If your partner asks how you’re doing and you’re exhausted, irritated, overwhelmed, sad, or having a terrible day, tell them. Otherwise, you can enter a conversation already on edge while your partner has no idea.

Then they say one slightly wrong thing and you’re irritated. They’re confused about your reaction, which makes you even more frustrated because they don’t seem to understand what’s wrong.

Suddenly you’re arguing about something that wasn’t really the problem.

Sometimes honesty can be as simple as:

“I’m really tired right now. Can I get some rest and call you back at 8?”

There is an important second half to that, though.

Call at 8.

Taking a little time because you know you can’t have a good conversation right now can be healthy. Repeatedly disappearing whenever something uncomfortable comes up is different.

The two of you should know which one is happening.

Don’t Ambush Each Other With Serious Conversations

Imagine your partner calls and you’re expecting your normal evening conversation.

Five minutes later:

“We need to talk about our relationship.”

You weren’t prepared for that. Maybe you’re tired, about to leave, or you’ve only got 20 minutes before you have to do something else.

Now you’re discussing something important under terrible conditions.

When possible, give each other a little warning.

You don’t have to send a terrifying WE NEED TO TALK text and leave your partner wondering for six hours whether you’re about to break up with them.

Just say there’s something you’d like to talk through and ask when would be a good time.

This is especially useful if the two of you have very different schedules or energy levels. You might be ready for serious conversations first thing in the morning while your partner can barely form a sentence before noon.

Find the time that gives both of you the best chance of actually hearing each other.

Give Important Conversations Your Full Attention

You might be fantastic at multitasking.

Making dinner, answering an email, watching television, folding clothes, and carrying on a conversation at the same time might not be a problem for you.

That doesn’t mean it’s a good idea when the conversation matters.

When you’re physically together, your partner has other ways of knowing you’re engaged. They can see you looking at them, watch your expressions, and feel your presence.

On the phone, those cues may be missing.

If you’re discussing something that’s hurting one of you while the other person is obviously scrolling, watching television, answering messages, or doing chores, it can feel like the conversation isn’t important enough to deserve their full attention.

You don’t need to drop everything every time your partner calls. Some conversations, though, deserve to have everything else put down.

You Can Apologize Without Taking Blame for Everything

When you’ve been arguing, somebody usually has to lower their guard enough for the two of you to start talking again.

That doesn’t require saying:

“Fine. Everything was my fault.”

You may still believe the issue you raised was legitimate. At the same time, you can look honestly at how you handled it.

Did you yell, hang up, or say something specifically because you knew it would hurt?

Maybe you ignored a smaller issue until you were so frustrated that it exploded into something much bigger. Or you simply communicated something poorly.

You can apologize for those things without abandoning the concern underneath them.

For example:

“I still think we need to talk about what happened, but I shouldn’t have hung up on you. I’m sorry I handled it that way.”

Both things can be true.

You can believe something needs to change and recognize that you didn’t communicate it particularly well.

Decide How You’ll Handle Conflict Before You’re Angry

The middle of an argument is a terrible time to invent rules for arguing.

Talk about conflict when you’re getting along.

Discuss what happens if one of you becomes overwhelmed and needs a break. Figure out how you’ll make sure “I need a break” doesn’t become disappearing for two days. You may also want to talk about things like hanging up, postponing difficult conversations, or recognizing when a text exchange needs to become a phone call instead.

You don’t need a 14-page conflict agreement.

You just need enough understanding that both of you know what to expect from each other.

One couple may be perfectly comfortable saying, “I’m too upset to talk right now. Let’s try again tomorrow morning.”

For another person, hearing tomorrow with no further reassurance may feel awful.

There aren’t many universal rules here. The agreement has to work for the two people actually in the relationship.

Talk About the Logistics Nobody Finds Romantic

Long-distance relationships aren’t maintained by communication alone.

There are practical questions too.

How often will you see each other, and who will travel? If one person is always making the trip, are you both comfortable with that? You’ll also need to figure out how you’ll handle the costs and what you each expect when it comes to regular communication.

Visits can bring their own expectations. One person may imagine spending every possible minute together while the other expects to see family and friends too.

Then there are the times when work, children, school, money, or other responsibilities make your normal routine impossible.

These conversations may not feel particularly romantic, but unspoken expectations can become resentment surprisingly quickly.

One person may think, Of course we’re talking every night.

The other may think, Why do we have to talk every single night?

Neither expectation necessarily makes someone a bad partner.

The problem is assuming you’ve agreed when you’ve never actually discussed it.

Ask Where This Long-Distance Relationship Is Going

There’s another conversation I think matters just as much as how often you call or who buys the plane ticket:

What are we working toward?

Not every long-distance relationship needs an immediate deadline. Sometimes circumstances really are uncertain.

But there can be a big difference between two people saying, We’re doing long distance for the next year while I finish school, and maintaining a long-distance relationship indefinitely without ever discussing whether either person intends to close the distance.

Think about what each of you imagines for the future and whether you’ve actually talked about it.

Would one of you eventually move? What would need to happen before living in the same place became realistic? Are there assumptions one of you has been making that the other person doesn’t even know about?

You don’t need every detail figured out today.

But if one of you views the distance as temporary and the other doesn’t, that’s something worth knowing.

Is the Distance Causing the Problem or Revealing It?

When you’re struggling in a long-distance relationship, distance can become the obvious explanation for everything.

And sometimes it really is the problem.

You miss each other. Travel is expensive. Schedules don’t line up. Text messages get misunderstood. You can’t hug after an argument or get nearly enough ordinary time together.

Other times, distance exposes something else.

One person may consistently avoid difficult conversations. You could have very different expectations about communication, or there may be a trust problem underneath the arguments. Maybe one person is putting significantly more effort into maintaining the relationship. You may even discover that you want different things from the future.

Closing the distance wouldn’t automatically resolve those things.

That’s why I wouldn’t measure the health of a long-distance relationship simply by whether the two of you can survive being apart.

Pay attention to what the distance is showing you about how the two of you function as a couple.

Long Distance Requires Intention, Not Constant Contact

You don’t have to spend every available moment communicating to prove that your relationship is strong.

More communication isn’t always better communication.

What matters is whether the two of you can create a relationship in which both people feel considered, heard, connected, and clear about what they’re building together.

That might mean making time to actually enjoy each other, saying when something is wrong instead of expecting your partner to detect it from hundreds of miles away, and giving important conversations the attention they deserve.

It also means learning how to disagree without turning every conflict into a threat to the relationship, talking about the practical things, and occasionally looking beyond the next call or visit to make sure you’re still moving toward a future that both of you want.

Distance changes how you have to care for a relationship.

It doesn’t change the fact that both people have to be willing to care for it.