Do you sit by yourself sometimes and wonder, “Why is my husband so mean to me?” Or perhaps you may ask your friends, “Why is my husband so mean and disrespectful to me?”
There are no easy answers, and there is no single incident that has triggered this tide of rudeness that seems to flood over your relationship. But what do you do about a rude husband?
Find out how to deal with a rude husband in this 10-step guide to stop relationship rudeness in its tracks.
Do You Have A Rude Husband?
Relationships are never smooth sailing all the way. There are arguments, fights, and general nastiness that occasionally rear its ugly head in any marriage. However, what do you do when you realize your husband is down-right rude to you all the time?
How do you manage an ill-mannered husband or if, like me, you end up always telling your best friends, “My husband is always rude to me!” What then? Finding ways to manage your husband when he is being rude is often a wife’s complaint, but realistically speaking, there has to be something you can do about it.
This article will help you identify signs your husband is being rude to you, because the chances are that you may not even register half of the times when he is rude to you.
We will look at the things you’ve tried to do to try and make him change his behavior, and we’ll consider why these have probably failed. Finally, we’ll look at the 10 steps you can take to change your rude husband to your kind-hearted partner again.
Signs Of A Rude Husband
Firstly, rudeness doesn’t just happen because of no reason at all. It is something that grows like cancer, or it happens as a knee-jerk reaction to some other dramatic change in your partner’s life.
Chances are he’s had a bad day at work where he was disrespected, and when he gets home, he feels drawn to flip the switch when he encounters any further challenges, thus becoming rude to you.
Perhaps your husband is disrespectful to you because he didn’t grow up in a home where his mother was respected, or he may have experienced relationship disrespect before, and now he is on the defensive as soon as he feels any form of judgment from you.
The real reasons for his rudeness have many grounds, and you may never fully understand them all in detail. The why is not as important as the how. The how of his rudeness is what really hurts you, and it is this that we should be looking at changing.
The real problem is that we tend to accept bad manners, and before we know it, rudeness has escalated into full-blown abuse. Why? Rudeness is a lack of respect. When your partner loses all respect for you, they will believe they are allowed to be rude and abusive towards you. His “how” can turn into your “ow.”
Before you look at the signs of rudeness in your relationship, you need to keep in mind what rudeness is. It is a lack of respect. When your partner no longer values or respects you, it opens the door for rudeness to enter your matrimony. Look for these:
Doesn’t Ask Or Value Your Opinion
When your partner no longer even asks what you think, they don’t see you and they don’t value your take on things. This is disrespectful, and it indicates they don’t value you as an equal. A husband who doesn’t listen to you when you talk is indirectly telling you that your opinions and insights don’t matter.
Insults Become The Way Of Your Relationship
A partner who insults you without any concern for your feelings is also being disrespectful of you as a person and as their partner. Sadly, this can become the language of your abuse (never mind your love language). A tongue-lashing can quickly turn physical, so be wary of this form of rudeness as it can have really devastating effects.
You’re Part Of The Furniture
When your partner simply assumes you will do things because you have always done them, and they no longer even notice your efforts in the relationship, you are facing the fact that you are part of the furniture.
They no longer consider you at all. This is the worst form of disrespect as you are dehumanized by your disrespectful husband. Simply put, he doesn’t see you.
It’s All About Him
If the whole relationship is about him, then he doesn’t support you in your own ideals and goals. This is a one-sided relationship, and it clearly indicates you are dealing with an inconsiderate and rude husband.
Infidelity
You promise to be faithful to your partner when you enter marriage, and they do the same. When your partner cheats on you, it indicates they don’t respect you as their marital partner any longer. It’s a shameful type of disrespect.
What You’ve Tried With Your Rude Husband And Why It Isn’t Working
While you’ve probably tried any number of ways to try and convince your husband you are feeling slighted by his rudeness, the chances that these have worked are pretty slim. After all, you are still here, reading about rude husbands, which probably hints that you identify with this issue yourself.
You may have tried to solve the problem of your rude husband yourself, and you may have also attended pastoral counseling and couples therapy, and even gone to a fully licensed marriage counselor. Perhaps you even moved out or threatened to leave him if he didn’t change.
He may have temporarily changed, but eventually, things go back to “nasty normal” as your husband (and you) slide back into the old habits. And that’s the kicker: his rudeness has become a habit in your relationship. Is this relationship then worth saving?
How do you break the rudeness habit? It is, after all, extremely difficult as it is also contagious. Yes, that’s right! You have probably tried the tit-for-tat game and been rude right back at him. Sadly, this benefits nobody, least of all you.
So, what do you do to find out how to deal with your disrespectful husband? You can start with these 10 steps.
10 Steps To Deal With A Rude Husband
Rudeness will not be fixed with one single change. There is no panacea to fix his rudeness in an instant. Instead, you need to combine as many of the following steps as is necessary to help your husband realize the error of his ways and change for the better.
As you will see, some of these steps require you to change, and these will also mean you have to step up your game and accept responsibility for yourself. It takes two to tango, and you need to also step out of the rudeness rumba if you want to save your relationship from your disrespectful husband.
Step One: Put In What You Want Out
Be sure to model the kind of behavior you want to receive back. If he is rude to you, be sure you are not rude back at him.
You need to set the high ground, remaining above reproach for also being rude. After all, you can’t tell him he’s being rude, and it’s a problem when you are doing exactly the same thing back. Since you want respect, you should give him respect.
Step Two: Take Care Of Your Own Needs
Let go. No, don’t move out, but you should let go of your neediness. Your husband is probably stressed, which adds to his rudeness, and he is struggling to deal with your emotional requirements.
You may fear his rudeness is a sign the relationship is over, which will make you hold on even tighter, but like quicksilver, you are squeezing him from your hands. Let go, stop making him responsible for your feelings, and live your own life, meeting your own needs.
Step Three: Use Written Communication
I remember my friend, Amanda, and her husband. They were eventually arguing so badly that the only way they could have meaningful communication was via text message.
Since they were both emotionally volatile, they finally resorted to only communicating via text message. This way, they could remove some of the emotiveness that their spoken conversations had. It was a way to diffuse their interactions and stop from exploding.
Write letters, post-it notes, or go for sending messages online to ask tough questions and reconnect with caring and compassion when there is no emotional baggage that in-person communications may have.
Step Four: He May Have A Point
Ok, so your rude husband may be a less-than-perfect husband, but he may also have a point. His rudeness at pointing out your flaws may be the best thing that’s ever happened to you.
When your husband seems to be rude and hypercritical of you, it’s time to reflect inward. Has he got a point? Do you have something you need to change? Take the initiative to change, modeling the kind of behavior you want from him in yourself.
Step Five: Connect Again
You may find that when you are facing rudeness in your relationship, your communication tends to circle the incidents of rudeness, fighting, and recriminations. Break the cycle by showing genuine interest in your partner again.
Don’t let your marriage disintegrate into constant bickering over his behavior. If you can’t reconnect with him on other grounds, how can you convince him your relationship is worth changing for?
Step Six: Tell Him Straight
The first time my husband snapped at me, devaluing my opinion, I used this trick to make him aware of his pain-inflicting behavior. As he put me down for being silly or stupid in his opinion, I responded by calmly saying “Oucha” and walking away. This also meant I didn’t have to be further hurt since I could empower myself by walking away.
Since you aren’t arguing back, and you’ve stripped him of his audience by walking away, your husband will be forced to engage in self-reflection. This is the start of self-insight and awareness of your needs and pains. Don’t hide it, and don’t try to redirect your pain at him. Instead, simply express it, move away, and wait as he realizes that something has happened and he’s responsible.
You can also choose to tell him up front that his behavior is unacceptable to you as it crosses your boundaries within the relationship. Be sure to do so in a quiet authoritative way and not get emotional.
Step Seven: Decide What Is Acceptable And What Isn’t
Disrespect has a way of reducing you to a rag-lady: someone who isn’t respected and who will simply accept disrespect without causing too much of a fuss. You need to decide what is acceptable in a relationship and remind your husband of this.
Couples aren’t supposed to run each other down, and they aren’t really meant to scream at each other over trivial things. Tell him, “I don’t think that’s how a husband should speak to his wife” or “Dear, you are not behaving like a gentleman today” or “What about that response makes you think it’s acceptable?”
Step Eight: What Do You And He Sound Like?
Sometimes, it’s not what you say but how you say it. When you speak to him, do you speak in a normal tone of voice or do you whine and grate on his nerves? Use your tone of voice to speak with the powerful authority that is yours as his wife.
Use a level tone of voice, encouraging conversation by not raising your voice or pitching it with sudden changes in tone when you speak. Women are not the only ones sensitive to tone of voice.
Step Nine: Take A Look In The Mirror
Do you or he know what rudeness looks like in your relationship? Chances are that neither of you really do. Recording yourselves while you hang out is a great way to get a real reality check.
Are you perhaps saying things that wind him up? Is he constantly putting you down or belittling you? See what your relationship’s interactions really look like, notice things, point these out, and share a discussion about them.
If recording yourselves is too awkward, then you may consider getting outside help and insights. This is where a couples therapist can be really helpful. Their observations could prove useful in seeing yourselves as you appear on the outside. They may point out areas of your interaction with each other you haven’t considered.
Step 10: Initiate Change By Apologizing
Be sure to look not only for the problems with your husband’s rudeness. Have you not also been pitching in your two-cents worth?
If you have been wrong, apologize. Listen to him when he says he’s not happy with something you’ve done. If you have been in the wrong, own up and show him how it’s done. Tell him, “I’m sorry that I said XYZ; it was disrespectful.” However, remember there should be no “and” or “but” to it.
You are aiming for an unconditional apology. Would you like it if he apologized to you for being rude, only to add in his “but,” explaining why it’s really your fault? Show him the respect that comes from a genuine apology, and you may be surprised when he starts to treat you much better before you know it.
How To Deal With My Rude Husband FAQS
What is a disrespectful husband?
This is a husband who treats his wife as being less than she is. He values her less than he values himself.
Why are husbands disrespectful to their wives?
Often, men will disrespect their wives because they are suffering from low self-esteem and gain a sense of superiority by being rude to their wives. By making them alert to their behavior and encouraging them in other and healthy ways, a wife can help her husband feel good about himself and about treating her with respect too.
What do you do when your husband doesn’t respect you?
- Show him how you want to be treated.
- Take the pressure off him by tending to your own needs.
- Avoid giving him an opportunity to ridicule you when he’s clearly stressed.
- Honor him to have him honor you.
- Maintain a standard of what is respectful behavior and remind him of that by leading through your own example.
Conclusion
Living with a partner who disrespects you is not easy, and it can be a real challenge to try and convince him of the error of his ways. Like me, you may also have wondered, “Why is my husband always rude to me?” And while there are no easy answers, the power to initiate and ask for change is in your hands.
Lead by example, honor him, make him aware of times when his comments have hurt you, and avoid getting sucked into the tit-for-tat game. Once you and your partner have set a standard of what is acceptable communication and respectful behavior, hold each other accountable to that.
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