How to Stop Obsessing Over a Guy: Be the Thermostat, Not the Thermometer

Years ago, I wrote an article comparing relationships to thermostats and thermometers.

The idea came from a conversation with a friend on Skype. I told him I wasn’t turning on my video unless he turned on his. He laughed and asked me whether I was a thermometer or a thermostat.

I had no idea what he was talking about.

“A thermometer adjusts to the temperature that is already in the room, while a thermostat sets the temperature.”

I loved the analogy, and immediately applied it to relationships.

At the time, I described a woman in “thermometer mode” as someone whose emotional temperature constantly changed based on what a man was doing.

If he didn’t call, suddenly you’re worried. Then he calls and everything feels okay again. He’s interested, you’re excited. He pulls away, and now you’re trying to figure out what you did wrong.

His behavior changes, so your temperature changes with it.

More than a decade later, I still think there’s something important in that analogy.

But I think about the thermostat differently now.

What Does It Really Mean to Be the Thermostat?

In the original article, becoming the thermostat was partly about changing the dynamic.

Focus on yourself. Build a full life. Stop reacting to him. The idea was that eventually he becomes the one trying to figure out when he can see you.

There’s some good advice in there, but when I revisit it now, I think there’s another layer worth considering.

Being the thermostat doesn’t mean learning how to control the temperature of the relationship. It means not allowing every change in someone else’s behavior to change your internal temperature.

That’s a very different kind of control.

You can’t control whether someone calls or how interested he is. His feelings may change, and ultimately, what he decides he wants is up to him.

What you can pay attention to is what happens inside you as the relationship unfolds.

Maybe one text can make your entire day, while a few hours of silence can ruin it. You might find yourself canceling plans because he suddenly wants to see you or spending hours trying to decode a change in his behavior.

Those things are worth noticing.

It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t care about someone or be affected by what happens in a relationship. Of course you will be.

The question is whether you’re still living your life while the relationship unfolds.

Focusing on Yourself Was Never Supposed to Be a Trick

One thing from the original article stands out to me now.

I wrote:

“You have to do this for you. It shouldn’t be that you are focusing on yourself, just so you can get his attention.”

I still agree with that. In fact, I think it may have been the most important part of the entire article.

Having friends, interests, goals, plans, and a life you enjoy isn’t a technique for making a man more interested in you. The same goes for loving yourself or becoming less available.

Those things matter because your life shouldn’t become a waiting room while you find out what someone else is going to do.

And maybe that’s what being the thermostat means to me now.

It’s not about controlling him or finding a way to make him chase you. You don’t have to pretend you don’t care, either.

It’s about being able to care about someone while still staying connected to yourself.

You’ll still have moments when the temperature changes. You’ll get excited when something is going well and disappointed when it isn’t.

But you don’t have to hand someone else complete control of the thermostat.

That part of the analogy still holds up.