Robyn Lee

By Robyn Lee

I’m the parent of two wonderful kids, and I haven’t always agreed with the way my husband chose to parent them.

He naturally took more of a hands-off approach, while I leaned into being more involved with the kids. And at times, that difference created tension between us.

More often than not, it looked like me pointing out what he should be doing while he was watching the kids.

And unfortunately, that didn’t get me the results I wanted.

The more I explained, the more he seemed to push back. And I started to understand why some women say they hate parenting with their husbands.

Because in those moments, it’s like you can see what he’s doing and imagine how it’s going to affect your kids later on in life.  

And all you want is for him to stop so things don’t become a bigger issue down the road.

For me, a lot of that came from my own experience.

I wanted my kids to have the kind of relationship with their dad that I had with mine.

My dad worked two jobs and had a full life, but when he was with us, he was with us. Those moments of presence mattered. They stayed with me.

So naturally, I wanted that for my kids too.

So when I saw him doing the opposite, there was a flood of emotion. It felt obvious to me what he was doing wrong… even though it clearly wasn’t obvious to him.

And I would talk to him from that place of irritation, frustration, and annoyance. Because in my mind, if he knew I was upset, he’d be more likely to do things differently just to keep the peace.

That worked… temporarily.

Until it didn’t.

After a while, my husband started to push back.

And over time, I started to see things a lot differently.

And I began asking for what I wanted in a way that honestly felt unnatural to me… but actually worked.

Here’s what I found.

What I Thought the Problem Was

At the time, I was convinced the issue was him.

I felt like:

• He should already know this

• This is just common sense

• Why would you even do it that way?

And because I felt that way, by the time I actually said something to him… I was already irritated and annoyed.

And it didn’t help talking to friends about it, because they were experiencing the same things within their marriage, so they just validated what I was experiencing and how I handled it.

“You’re right girl, he should be doing more. You have a lot on your plate.“

Even when I managed to say it calmly, my husband would still become defensive and dig in on why he felt he was right.

That’s because even if my words sounded calm on the surface, underneath there was tension and judgement.

There was this underlying energy of, how do you not see what you’re doing wrong.

And I didn’t realize it at the time, but the conversation was doomed to fail before it even started.

What I Didn’t Realize About My Approach

One of the biggest shifts for me was realizing this:

My delivery didn’t start with my words. It started with how I was thinking about my husband.

Before I even made the request, I had already decided:

• He was wrong

• My way made more sense

• This shouldn’t even need to be explained

So even when I asked nicely…it didn’t land as nice to him.

And that’s why something as simple as a request would turn into pushback.

Because it wasn’t just a request. It was layered with assumption, judgement, and irritation. And that doesn’t land as a request.

It lands as blame. And when someone feels blamed, you don’t get cooperation, you get defensiveness.

You’ve just entered into a power struggle with your husband. And from that place, nothing changes. Believe me, I tried.

Two Things to Consider Before You Assume the Worst

When I started looking at things differently, I realized there were usually two things going on.

And understanding this changed everything for me.

1. He May Simply Not Know

Sometimes, what feels obvious to us… isn’t obvious to our husbands.

Many times our husbands have not had the same experiences as us growing up or even with raising our kids.

If you’re the one:

• Scheduling doctor’s appointments

• Going to playdates

• Talking to teachers

• Managing the day-to-day details

You’re getting real-time, on-the-job parenting experience that he may not be getting in the same way.

You’re learning as you go, noticing things, and adjusting.

And if he’s not in those same spaces as often, he may just be a little behind in certain areas.

This may not be because he’s careless, but simply because he hasn’t had the same exposure.

When I started seeing it this way, it created a little more compassion.

And instead of assuming, I could simply say:

“Hey, do you mind doing it this way? I’ve noticed it works better because of this.”

Sometimes I’d explain why. Sometimes I wouldn’t. It just really depended on the situation and how big of a safety concern it was.

But the energy behind it was different.

And that made a difference in how my request was received by my husband.

2. He Feels Just As Strongly About His Way

The second possibility is a little harder to accept… but just as important.

Sometimes, he’s not confused.

He just disagrees.

What feels logical to you…doesn’t to him.

And if you feel strongly about your way, there’s a good chance he feels the exact same way about his.

This usually isn’t because he’s trying to intentionally upset you, it’s just from his perspective, his way makes sense to him.

When I started recognizing that, it changed how I approached disagreements.

Because now it wasn’t:

Why is he doing this?

It became:

Okay… we both feel strongly about this.

And from that place of respecting his position, even if you don’t agree with it, is where real parenting conversations happen.

What to Do When You Both Disagree on Parenting

This used to be the hardest part for me.

Because when there’s a lot of energy around something, you feel like you need to figure it out right away.

But I’ve learned something really simple:

When emotions are high, clarity is low.

Trying to solve it at that moment usually doesn’t work.

What actually helped was giving it a little space.

Letting the conversation rest.

Because when you’re not as heated:

• New solutions come up

• Things don’t feel as big

• You can actually hear each other

And sometimes… the issue doesn’t even feel as important as it did in the moment.

There were plenty of things I let sit that I later realized I didn’t really care that much about—like whether my husband let my daughter wear a costume or silly hair to the store.

When It Starts to Feel Like a Parenting Style Problem

There were moments where it felt bigger than it actually was.

Where it started to feel like, I don’t like his parenting style.

And I understand that feeling.

Because when certain moments keep happening, it can start to feel like a pattern… like this is just how he parents.

But when I slowed down and really looked at it, I realized something:

It wasn’t everything.

It was specific moments, situations, and decisions. And that shift mattered.

Because “parenting style” feels big. It’s hard to define and even harder to change.

But specific moments? That’s a lot easier to work with.

A Simpler Way to Approach Parenting Issues Together

What helped me most was narrowing things down.

Instead of:
“Why would you do it that way?” or “Why wouldn’t you have the kids clean up after themselves?“, or “Why would you say that to our son?“

Because this is just “blame” wrapped up as a question.

Try:
“Can we try doing bedtime this way?”
“Hey, what do you think about handling this situation like this next time?”

Now it’s:

• Clear

• Specific

• Something he can actually respond to

And it feels more like a conversation than an attack.

If You Hate Parenting With Your Husband, Start Here 

If you’ve ever felt like parenting together is harder than it should be, you’re not wrong for feeling that way, and you’re definitely not alone in it. 

It can be frustrating when things don’t feel aligned, when you feel like you’re carrying more of the mental load, or when it seems like things would just be easier if he approached it the way you do.

But what I’ve come to realize is that it’s not always about forcing alignment or getting him to see things exactly the way you see them. 

Sometimes, it’s about shifting how you approach those specific moments so they don’t turn into something bigger than they need to be.

There was a point where I wasn’t even sure my marriage was going to make it, until I realized I didn’t need to work harder at it—I just needed to change my approach, and that’s what actually made things feel easier between us. 

If you’re in that place too, you can start with my Husband Reset Guide (for wives), where I walk through the foundational shifts that helped me approach my husband in a way he could actually hear. 

These are simply a few ways to look at it, and you can take what fits for you and leave what doesn’t, using your own words and your own understanding of your relationship. 

Because when you make even small shifts in how you show up, it can have a much bigger impact than you expect on how parenting together actually feels.

By Robyn Lee

You can love your husband and still feel frustrated by things he does, so much so that it turns into resentment towards your husband.

So how do you stop resenting your husband?

Because resentment has a way of taking over. It seeps into how you see him, how you interpret his actions, and how you feel around him.

And before you know it, even the things he does with good intention don’t land the way they used to.

For a long time, I thought my frustration was coming from things my husband did that were clearly wrong.

But when I really sat with it, I realized something.

In many cases, my resentment wasn’t about something being wrong, it was about it being different than how I would have done it.

That realization didn’t come easily. Because if I’m being honest, there were times I genuinely thought the way my husband approached things was…idiotic.

And I say that because I know what it feels like to be in that place.

But once I started to see things differently, it shifted how I viewed so many situations in my marriage.

And I want to share the process that helped me get there, because it not only softened the resentment, it helped me feel more supported in the ways I actually wanted.

Because not everything that feels frustrating is actually harmful. And not everything that feels “wrong” is something that needs to be corrected. Sometimes, it’s just unfamiliar. Sometimes, it’s just not your way.

And when we don’t pause long enough to notice that, resentment in marriage can build in places where it doesn’t need to.

Why You Feel So Resentful Toward Your Husband in the First Place

Resentment doesn’t usually show up out of nowhere.

It builds slowly, often in everyday moments that don’t seem like a big deal at first.

You walk into the house and things are out of place.
Something didn’t get done the way you expected.
You feel like you’re carrying more than you should.

And almost instantly, your mind starts filling in the meaning:

He wasn’t paying attention.
He let everything go.
Now I have to deal with this.

Before you even realize it, the feeling is there.

But if you slow that moment down just a little, something becomes clear:

What’s driving the resentment isn’t just what happened—things being out of place or not getting done.

It’s what you made it mean—that he doesn’t pay attention or support you.

And understanding that many times it’s the meaning we give to the neutral action that causes resentment.

Is This Actually Wrong, or Is It Just Different Than Your Way?

This is one of the most important questions you can ask yourself when you’re feeling resentment toward your husband.

Is this actually harmful…or is it just not how I would do it?

Because those are two very different situations.

If something goes against your values, your agreements, or your sense of respect, that’s something to address directly. This isn’t about overlooking what truly matters.

But a lot of resentment in a marriage doesn’t come from those clear violations.

It comes from differences.

Different ways of handling things.
Different priorities.
Different assumptions about what “makes sense.”

And when those differences get misinterpreted as “wrong,” tension and anger builds quickly.

Not because something actually harmful is happening—but because it’s being perceived in that way.

I saw this in my own marriage when it came to parenting.

When I would take the kids out, I had a certain expectation of how things should go. I was more hands-on, more attentive to what they were saying, more likely to guide their behavior in the moment.

There was a structure to it that felt right to me.

When my husband took them out, it looked completely different.

He gave them more space.
He didn’t step in as quickly.
He allowed things to unfold naturally.

And for a while, that really bothered me.

It didn’t match my expectations. It felt like something was being missed.

But when I gave myself a moment to settle, when I wasn’t reacting from that initial frustration, I started to see something I hadn’t considered.

He wasn’t being careless, but was trusting them.

He was allowing them to learn through experience in a way that I hadn’t fully valued yet.

And once I could see that, even just a little, something softened.

Not because I suddenly believed his way was better than mine, but because I could recognize that it wasn’t wrong, but simply different.

And there was room for both.

Why Resentment Feels So Justified Even When It Makes Things Worse

Even when you understand this, practicing letting go of resentment in marriage can feel difficult.

Because it can feel like you’re letting something slide.

Like if you stop being upset, you’re saying, “This is fine,” when it doesn’t feel fine.

And underneath that is often something deeper:

It’s the feeling of wanting to feel supported, considered, and feeling like what matters to me matters to my husband too.

So the resentment isn’t just about the situation. It’s about what that situation seems to represent.

But unfortunately, holding on to resentment doesn’t actually bring you closer to what you want. It usually creates more distance.

Because when resentment shows up in how you communicate, it changes how your husband receives what you say.

Even a simple request can feel like criticism.

And when that happens, you don’t get cooperation, you get resistance.

Because no one wants to feel criticized.

So instead, you’ll often see power struggles or withdrawal, which is your husband’s way of protecting himself.

How to Stop Resenting Your Husband Without Ignoring What You Want

Letting go of resentment doesn’t mean ignoring what you want. And it doesn’t mean staying silent or pretending everything is okay.

It means separating the emotional charge from the request.

Because when you’re able to do that, you can express what you need in a way that your husband can actually hear it.

It starts with your state of mind.

If you’re already frustrated, already replaying everything in your head, anything you say will carry that energy.

A wise teacher once said communication is just the delivery of our feelings.

So even if you say the right words, if there’s anger or resentment underneath, that’s what gets received.

But when you give yourself a moment to settle, even just a little, you can approach the situation differently.

You can get clear on what you want.

And from that place, you can communicate it in a way that opens the door instead of closing it.

What to Say When You Want Something Different From Your Husband

In a calmer state of mind, the same situation can lead to a completely different conversation.

Instead of reacting, you can ask. And instead of assuming, you can clarify.

It might sound as simple as:

“Hey babes, thank you so much for watching the kids while I was out. Would you mind having them clean up before bed next time? I’d really appreciate it.”

There’s no blame or accusation in that request.

And from there, it becomes something you can work through together.

How to Catch the Mental Spiral Before It Turns Into More Resentment

If you’ve ever wondered how to stop negative thoughts about your husband, this is where it starts.

Because when your thoughts begin to spiral, it happens quickly.

“I do everything…”
“He couldn’t even do this one thing…”
“This is why nothing changes…”

And before you know it, you’re deep in it.

The goal isn’t to force those thoughts away. It’s just not to go deeper into these thoughts. Sometimes that can be achieved by stepping away for a moment.

Sometimes it’s just simplifying the situation:

“The house is messy.”

And leaving it there. It doesn’t have to turn into a bigger story. Stories happen when we layer meaning on top of what is.

And sometimes, it can be as simple as letting your expectations be known before the situation even happens:

“Hey, I’m heading out, would you mind having the kids clean up before I get back?”

That shift can prevent a lot of unnecessary frustration later.

A Healthier Way to Think About Resentment in Marriage

This isn’t about doing more or carrying more. It’s about seeing differently.

Because when resentment is leading, everything starts to feel heavier than it needs to, and even simple conversations can become harder, situations feel more personal, and requests carry more weight than intended.

But when you soften your perspective, even slightly, you begin to create space, space to think more clearly, communicate more effectively, and find solutions that actually work.

And from that place, things begin to shift, not perfectly or instantly, but in a way that feels lighter, and sometimes, that’s the beginning of everything changing.

By Robyn Lee

At the beginning of 2025, I started something I called the No Arguing Project.

For four months, I challenged myself not to argue with my husband. At all. 

No matter what.

And I didn’t do this because everything was going well. I did it because the opposite was true.

My husband and I argued all the time!

Our arguments had become unhealthy. Things were falling apart and each of us had our doubts that the marriage would last.

They would escalate quickly. Sometimes into yelling. Oftentimes they ended with me leaving the house and staying at a hotel for a couple of days just to cool off. 

It didn’t feel good for either of us, and it definitely wasn’t creating the kind of marriage I wanted.

At some point, I had a simple realization:

We don’t do well with arguing.

So instead of trying to argue better, I decided to remove arguing completely.

How I Stopped Fighting With My Husband in the Moment (Even When It Felt Impossible)

Anytime a conversation started to shift from a discussion into an argument, I stopped.

Sometimes I would say, “Hey, let’s talk about this later.”

Other times I would change the subject.

Sometimes I would just disengage completely and leave the house for a moment, coming back 20 or 30 minutes later.

But the commitment was the same every time:

I was not going to stay in a conversation that was becoming emotionally charged.

And at first, it felt very unnatural. 

One of my biggest triggers at the time was feeling misunderstood.

So if my husband and I had a disagreement and he projected what he thought was happening onto me, I would get very defensive.

For example, he might say, “You’re very selfish and only think about yourself.”

And my natural response would have been, “Are you kidding me?” followed by a full rundown of everything I had done that week that clearly wasn’t selfish… including curating or cooking almost every single thing he put in his body.

That was my pattern.

And the ONLY reason why the No Arguing Project worked for as long as it did was because there was one simple rule:

No arguing. Under any circumstances.

No exceptions. No loopholes.

Because I knew if I gave myself even a little room to justify it… I would take it.

So that’s what kept me committed.

What I Learned After Feeling Like We Were Always Arguing

1. Most Arguments Don’t Matter 24 Hours Later

This was probably the biggest realization for me.

There were so many times where I felt completely justified in wanting to address something that I knew would likely turn into an argument.

I could feel the urgency in my body, and I interpreted that as, if I’m feeling this strongly, then this must need to be said right now—so I can get myself back to a calm state.

But most of the time, in less than 24 hours, I didn’t care anymore, and the urge to address whatever it was had completely disappeared—sometimes to the point where I had actually forgotten what I was so worked up about.

And that wasn’t because I was suppressing it.

It was because it genuinely didn’t feel like a big deal anymore.

So what I had been reading as a signal from my body to fight… was actually a signal that I needed to slow down, relax, and let myself calm down first.

2. Urgency Is Usually a Red Flag

I used to think that when something felt urgent, it meant it needed to be talked about immediately.

But what I started to see was this:

Urgency was almost always a sign that I was too emotionally activated to have a productive conversation.

The stronger the urge to address it right then… the less effective that conversation would be.

Slowing down didn’t delay resolution, it actually opened the door for clarity and for resolution to happen.

3. Time Can Create Clarity

When I gave things space, I was able to think more clearly, and I wasn’t as attached to being right or focused on proving a point.

I also noticed a shift in myself—from being reactive to being more grounded and in control—and I found myself becoming the kind of person I had always admired, someone who could stay calm even when the other person was emotional, without letting their state affect their own.

And because I was practicing that, a lot of things naturally resolved themselves without ever needing a conversation.

The Part No One Talks About When You Stop Arguing

As much as this worked and helped me to stop fighting with my husband, it wasn’t perfect.

Because there were some things that didn’t just go away.

Some things stayed.

And not only did they stay… they actually grew.

Instead of cooling off, I found myself going deeper into it.

I would think about what happened and start attaching other things to it.

For example, if my husband didn’t help with the dishes and chose online gaming instead, I’d tell myself, “This makes sense. He’s always oblivious to what needs to be done around the house, but he never forgets to go out with friends. That’s just how he operates—never doing what actually matters, always choosing what’s fun instead of what needs to be done. I wish he was more like my friend’s husband. He seems to get it. He helps his wife.”

And so the story goes on and on, and before I knew it, one issue had spiraled into ten.

That’s how you go down the rabbit hole, you keep attaching more and more to the story you’re telling yourself, building meaning around something that, in its simplest form, is actually very straightforward.

He didn’t do the dishes.

Why he didn’t do them, and what his motivation was, is still something to be understood.

When we start attaching things to the actual reality of the situation, it makes everything feel bigger, and instead of simply figuring out a solution for the dishes to be done, it turns into a conversation about something much deeper.

Which showed me something important:

Not arguing externally doesn’t mean you’re not arguing internally.

What We Were Really Arguing About (It Wasn’t the Dishes)

This was one of the deeper realizations I had later.

Most of the time, we think we’re arguing about a situation.

But what we’re actually arguing about… is what that situation means to us.

My husband and I share some of the same beliefs, expectations, and perspectives, but there are times when we simply don’t.

And I had to learn that it’s okay for us to see things differently.

Different doesn’t mean wrong… it just means different.

Why Some Conflicts Fade…and Others Get Worse

The No Arguing Project worked really well in some situations, and in others, it didn’t, and over time I started to see that the difference came down to one thing, what I was doing during the pause.

If I truly gave the situation space, and allowed my thoughts to come and pass without attaching to them or building a case around them, then most things softened on their own and didn’t even need to be addressed.

But if I went down the rabbit hole, replaying the situation, analyzing it, and adding more and more to it, then I wasn’t actually cooling off.

I was intensifying it.

What Changed in Our Marriage After This

This experience showed me something I didn’t fully understand before.

You don’t always need to say something in the moment to be heard, and you don’t have to argue to create change, because sometimes the most powerful shift happens when you step out of the argument entirely and give yourself the space to come back differently.

Now, I mentioned that this experiment lasted for four months starting in 2025, and it’s now 2026, and I don’t restrict myself from having arguments with my husband anymore, but what I found is that with this understanding, it naturally reduces the chances of our discussions turning into full-blown arguments in the first place.

There’s more space, more awareness, and a lot less urgency to react, and because of that, conversations feel lighter, even when they’re about things that used to feel heavy.

And while this wasn’t about getting everything perfect, it did show me that when I change how I show up, even in small ways, it can completely shift the direction of the relationship without needing to force it.

By Robyn Lee

I remember a time when I was frustrated because it felt like I was doing everything.

Everything around the house. Everything with the kids. And I had my own business too, so I was managing a lot. It just didn’t feel like I was getting the support I needed from my husband.

I started to feel like my husband didn’t help me with anything. And it’s not a feeling that goes away easily. It usually builds.

So naturally, I tried to fix it.

I thought, If he can just see everything I’m doing, he’ll step in.

I started writing things down. Didn’t work. He just weighed the things he did more heavily and it became a power struggle.

I even tried to communicate how much I was handling and how he needed to step up and support me.

But instead of things getting better, the response I got was: “Well, I’m working too.”

And just like that, without realizing it, I had stepped into a competition with my husband. A competition that wasn’t productive… and definitely wasn’t getting me the help I wanted.

Today things feel completely different.

I feel supported. I feel like my husband is willing to help. I appreciate what he does both inside and outside our home. 

And the interesting part is…I didn’t get here by pushing harder, explaining more, or keeping score.

If anything, I had to learn how to do the opposite. Although uncomfortable at first, it turned out to be easier than what I had been doing. 

I got a whole lot more by doing a lot less.

Why feeling like you’re doing everything can actually make things worse

I remember being in therapy, and our therapist would say, “Let’s not keep score.”

My immediate thought was, Of course my husband would love that.

Because to me, the person who doesn’t want to keep score is usually the one who is losing. 

Why else wouldn’t you want to keep score?

So I held onto my scorecard tightly.

Who did what. Who did more. Who was more tired. Who deserved a break.

But what I didn’t realize at the time was that keeping score was actually keeping us stuck.

Because when you feel like your husband doesn’t help with anything, it’s easy to start tracking everything. 

And the more you track, the more you notice the imbalance…and the more frustrated you become.

When we keep replaying it, we can pull ourselves into a low emotional state. Because who feels good believing their husband doesn’t support them?

What I eventually learned is this:

When the relationship dynamic is right, you naturally stop keeping score (without having to try!), and you feel more supported in your marriage, which actually leads your husband to show up more.

The Simple Appreciation Fix, It Works!

For a long time, I believed appreciation should be earned.

I thought, I’ll appreciate him when he does something that deserves appreciation.

Unfortunately, I learned the hard, that doesn’t work! 

For him to do more things I would appreciate, I had to find the things I already appreciated about him and highlight them.

And I know that sounds counterintuitive, especially if you’re sitting there thinking, Why should I appreciate someone who isn’t helping?

I get it. I really do.

But I’ve seen this dynamic play out before.

When I was teaching, I used to focus on correcting everything my students were doing wrong. Every disruption, every mistake. I pointed it out. It felt right to me.

If they don’t know what they are doing wrong, how would they know how to stop it?

Until another teacher pulled me to the side one day and said to me, “You’re doing it all wrong.”

She told me to find the good the students were doing and point it out and praise it. Ignore the negative behavior and focus on what the students were doing right.

And what happened next surprised me.

The entire classroom started to shift.

Students saw what was being appreciated, and they naturally wanted to do more of it because I appreciated it.

Looking back, I don’t know why I didn’t apply this same concept in my marriage sooner.

Instead, I was coming from frustration.

• “Why aren’t you helping?”

• “Can’t you see how much I’m doing?”

• “I shouldn’t have to ask.”

But that energy doesn’t bring out the best in anyone. You just become the person that’s hard to please. And people, whether a student or a husband, stop trying.

I see this play out in my own life all the time.

Every year around Thanksgiving, I make pies. What started as five or six pies for my family turned into over 30 pies for friends and extended family.

And the reason I keep doing it?

The appreciation.

When someone tells me, “Robyn, this is the best pie I’ve ever had,” I remember that. And it makes me want to keep going.

That’s not a “man thing.” That’s a human thing.

We all want to feel appreciated.

And when we do, we naturally give more.

So when you feel like your husband doesn’t help with anything, it may not be that he doesn’t care. It may be that something in the dynamic is shutting down his desire to show up.

If He’s Not Stepping Up to Help, This Could Be Why

There are a few other dynamics that can get in the way.

Could your response to his help feel like correction instead of support?

No one likes to be told exactly how to do something while they’re doing it.

If he’s stepping in and being corrected, redirected, or monitored, it can feel less like helping and more like being managed.

And this can look like your husband shutting down or pushing back:

“I’m not even going to try to help her.”

“You do it then.”

Respect, in this context, looks like trust.

Trusting that he can figure it out. Trusting that his way, even if it’s different, is still valid.

This was a big one for me.

Just because my husband did things differently than I would… doesn’t mean it’s wrong.

It’s just different.

And when you can accept those differences, you open the door for more support.

Because now, he doesn’t have to get it “right” to be appreciated.

If Your Husband Isn’t Helping, Don’t Do This!

One of the biggest changes I made was learning how to stop overfunctioning.

Before, if something wasn’t getting done, I would just do more. Because if I didn’t do it, who would?

But all that did was reinforce the dynamic I didn’t want.

So I started doing something different.

I focused on what I could do. I took care of what truly needed to be done. And I let some things go. And that created space for my husband to fill in those gaps.

Getting Your Husband to Help Isn’t About Changing Who You Are

At one point, this all felt like a game to me.

Like I had to say the “right” thing just to get help. But now I see it differently. It’s not about changing who you are.

It’s about learning how to relate to your husband in a way that actually works.

Because when your husband feels respected and appreciated, a big shift occurs.

He becomes more open, willing, and supportive.

By Robyn Lee

My husband and I have had some pretty intense arguments in the past. It always started with me telling him how I felt about something and it spiraled fast into something that was explosive and unhealthy.

It seemed like my husband always got defensive, okay, frequently (the term my therapist would have me use),  when I shared how I felt.

It happened so often that instead of getting my needs met, I started saying nothing at all because I felt like I already knew how it would go. 

He would get defensive and many times blame me! So I found myself thinking, what’s the use?

Now that my marriage is in a much better place and I have a new understanding, things that once felt confusing to me make a lot more sense.

When I think back to some of our most intense disagreements from this perspective, it’s easier to see why he reacted the way he did. Given the circumstances, his response makes sense to me now.

As I reflected, I realized there was an important relationship dynamic I hadn’t been aware of, and once I understood how it worked, I was able to relate to my husband in a way he could understand while still getting my needs met.

Frequently, not all the time, when a husband gets defensive, it’s because something that was said is landing for him as an attack, criticism, or blame.

I hadn’t understood this before. I was only able to see my own frustration and what felt clear and obvious to me.

So I found myself saying things like:

“We never go out anymore.”

“You always choose to play online chess instead of spending time with me.”

“You’re not upholding your end of the household chores.”

“It seems like I do everything around here.”

And to me, those statements felt honest. 

But I can see how they may not have landed that way on the other side.

And I also came to understand that if something landed like that for me, as an attack, criticism, or blame, I would most likely react in a similar way or simply shut down and ignore it.

How What You Share Lands As Criticism for Some Husbands

I came across research by Dr. Stosny and Patricia Love that really helped me understand this dynamic. They explain that for many men, one of the strongest emotional triggers is shame. 

Meaning that anything that activates his sense of not being good enough for you, not being able to please you, or not being respected by you may trigger a strong reaction.

For some men, that looks like shutting down and disengaging from the conversation altogether.

For others, it can show up as defensiveness, blame, or even counterattacks.

So something said calmly and from a place of wanting more connection, like,

“You don’t really plan anything for us anymore,”

can sometimes land for him more like:

“What I’m doing as a husband isn’t enough.”

And when it lands that way, it can trigger a sense of shame, which often shows up as defensiveness.

Because at that moment, he’s not responding to your intention. He’s responding to how it landed for him.

And unfortunately, that defensiveness can then land and feel a lot like blame to you.

And that’s how the downward spiral begins.

So how do you share what you need in a marriage without triggering that kind of defensiveness?

Here’s a Highly Effective Way to Stop Your Husband’s Defensiveness Before It Starts

One of the most effective ways I’ve found to reduce defensiveness is to first understand that we, as partners, often see the same situation very differently.

Most people understand this in theory. But it’s very different when you’re able to hold that perspective in the moment, especially when something feels clear and obvious to you.

In reality, the same situation can look completely different depending on who’s experiencing it.

Take a recent situation between my husband and me around how we each engage with the kids.

When I’m with them, I naturally carve out time to clean up and focus on their studies.

When my husband is with them, he tends to take a more hands-off approach.

For me, it’s natural to judge the way he engages with the kids, or what feels like a lack of engagement. But I’ve had to step back and recognize that he most likely doesn’t see it the same way.

From his perspective, he’s still watching the kids, just in a different way. He checks in during small breaks, looking up to make sure everything is all right.

Let me be clear, I don’t necessarily agree with the way he engages with our kids at times. But the goal isn’t complete agreement, it’s getting more of what you want.

I’ve tried yelling, crying, and even calmly talking about it, and none of it worked.

What has worked, and what’s been effective in our marriage, is this:

1. Acknowledging what he is doing right.

“Hey babes, thanks for keeping an eye out on the kids while I go out for a few hours. I really love all the time you spend with them and it gives me a much needed moment to breathe.”

Now, I want to say this too, because I know this comes up:

I’ve read some perspectives that say parenting is a shared responsibility, and because of that, you shouldn’t have to thank your husband for things like this.

And while I understand that point of view, I’ve found that what actually works in real life often depends on how your husband currently sees himself and the role he believes he plays.

If he doesn’t naturally see things the same way you do yet, meeting him where he is tends to be much more effective than trying to correct him in the moment.

Over time, that understanding can grow. But trying to force that shift all at once usually creates more resistance than change.

I’ve found it’s more effective to work with what’s in front of you, especially if your goal is to get more of what you want right now.

Because there’s a big difference between asking for a specific behavior… and trying to change how someone sees themselves entirely.

And that leads into the next part of this.

2. Ask for what you want.

“Would you mind having the kids do their homework and cleaning up before I get back home? Thank you so much! I really appreciate it.

It’s a shift from pointing out what he isn’t doing to acknowledging what he is doing and then clearly asking for what you want. 

I’ve found it to be much more effective to be direct than to drop hints.

In the case of the date nights, it may look like:

“Hey babes, I really miss it when you used to plan fun dates for us. You always planned the best dates. Do you think you could plan something for us this weekend? I’d really love it.”

Yes, this may feel very different from how you’re used to relating to your husband, but I’ve found it to be much more effective in getting what you actually want and need.

How Reducing Defensiveness Can Change the Way You Connect

So the next time you find yourself thinking,

“I’m just sharing how I feel… why is he getting defensive?”

It may be worth pausing for a moment and asking yourself,

What might this be sounding like on the other side?

Because sometimes what feels honest and clear to you can be received very differently by him, and that difference alone can completely change how the conversation unfolds.

And when you begin to see that, not from a place of blaming yourself or holding back, but from a place of understanding how things are landing, it naturally shifts how you show up.

Not perfectly, and not all at once, but in a way that creates more space for him to hear you without feeling like he needs to defend himself.

And from that place, the conversation has a much better chance of becoming something that brings you closer instead of pushing you further apart.

Forgiveness in a marriage doesn’t always come from an apology. Sometimes your husband is clueless to why you’re angry or what he did wrong.

I’m not referring to situations where a clear boundary or agreement was broken. In those cases, it’s natural to want acknowledgment and reassurance that it won’t happen again.

But not every moment of hurt comes from a broken agreement.

Sometimes, it comes from expectation. You expected him to respond differently, to see something the way you see it, or to show up in a way that feels obvious to you. 

And when he doesn’t, it can be really painful.

Even if he can’t see or won’t admit what he did wrong.

So what do you do when it feels so obvious to you…but he doesn’t see it the same way?

It starts with understanding where the disconnect happened.

In many cases this disconnect occurs simply because of how differently you and your husband experienced the situation.

And it’s an important step to forgiving your husband.

Why You and Your Husband May See the Same Situation Differently

Before forgiveness can even begin, there’s a subtle but important shift that needs to happen.

It starts with understanding that you and your husband may not be coming from the same place.

I think most of us understand that people are inherently different, but I don’t think we understand enough how that plays out when we see situations differently. 

We each grow up differently, are presented with different situations in life, are biologically different, and have different beliefs. 

Sometimes people will see things exactly the same way as you do, but many times they won’t. I find that the female perspective and the male perspective varies quite differently in marriages.

When I talked to my girlfriends, they almost always agreed with me. It felt like an open-and-closed case.

But when I brought those same situations to my male therapist, he saw things differently.

What felt so clear to me, surprisingly had another side to it, one that made me pause and reconsider how I was seeing things.

Have you ever noticed how convincing your own perspective feels? It doesn’t feel like an opinion. It feels like the truth.

And if that’s true for you, it’s likely true for him too.

That realization doesn’t mean you dismiss your feelings or lower your standards. 

It simply creates a little space, enough to consider that what happened may not have been as intentional or as clear-cut as it felt at first.

This softens the intensity just enough to make the next step in forgiveness possible.

How to Forgive Your Husband Without Dismissing Yourself

The easiest path to forgiveness is compassion. But how do you have compassion when your husband won’t even admit he’s wrong?

Compassion is something we give to others because we understand we’re all human, make mistakes, and sometimes don’t realize those mistakes until much later. 

We’ve all had situations in which we look back and say, had I known what I know now, I would have done things a lot differently.

Maybe at that time you were overwhelmed, stressed, or caught up in your own thoughts. 

Maybe you felt misunderstood or emotionally charged, and it came out in a way that didn’t reflect who you truly are.

When you can begin to understand that about yourself, an important shift in mindset can occur.

You start to see what we often label as “bad behavior” is, many times, someone operating from a place of not feeling good—this is called insecurity, fear, or simply a low emotional state.

And from there, we can ask a different question:

What if he wasn’t trying to intentionally hurt me… but just didn’t show up as his best self at that moment?

That doesn’t make the behavior okay, but it changes how you hold it within your mind, and this is often the beginning of forgiving your husband without dismissing yourself.

Making Forgiving Your Husband Stick

Once compassion is present, forgiveness feels a bit more accessible.

And you can move on to the next step I’ve found to be very helpful when forgiving your husband. You offer him a clean slate.

And I don’t mean pretending nothing happened or ignoring your feelings. It’s more of a decision not to continue defining your partner by something you’ve already chosen to forgive.

It’s the shift from:

“This is what you did to me”

to

“I’m choosing to relate to you as you are now.”

There’s something powerful about that kind of reset.

In a marriage, offering a clean slate creates space for both people to show up differently. It removes the weight of the past from every present moment.

And interestingly, even if only one person makes that shift, it can begin to change the dynamic in a noticeable way.

Clean Slate, Clear Boundaries

Giving someone a clean slate doesn’t mean you stop paying attention to what works for you.

In fact, this is where boundaries become important, not as a reaction to the past, but as a way of supporting a better future.

For example, if something consistently doesn’t feel good to you, you don’t have to keep experiencing it the same way.

So how do you respond differently next time?

Sometimes that means adjusting your expectations. Other times, it means making small, practical decisions that protect your time or your energy without needing the other person to change first.

You’re no longer trying to correct them.

You’re simply taking care of yourself within the relationship.

The Thought Pattern That Keeps Many Wives Stuck (and How to Let It Go)

This is the part that often makes the biggest difference, even though it can feel subtle.

When something hurtful happens, the moment itself passes, but the thinking about it can continue long after.

You might replay what was said, analyze what it meant, or connect it to other moments that felt similar. And without realizing it, you begin to build a deeper story around it.

But just because a thought shows up doesn’t mean you have to follow it.

Don’t go down the rabbit hole.

You might still think about what happened, that’s natural. But instead of going further into it, you can let the thought pass without adding to it.

It’s the difference between noticing the thought and building on it.

And while that may seem small, it changes the entire emotional experience.

Because when you don’t continue feeding the thought, the feeling attached to it has less to hold onto.

Over time, this becomes a practice. You notice the thought and you let it pass as all thoughts eventually do.

A Final Thought

Forgiveness isn’t always something that happens all at once.

Sometimes it unfolds gradually, in moments where you choose a different thought, a softer interpretation, or a more open perspective.

And over time, those moments begin to add up.

The weight of what happened starts to feel lighter and the need to revisit it fades.

And in many cases, that’s what creates the space for something better to grow.