Maricel

By Robyn Lee

I remember a time when I was frustrated because it felt like I was doing everything.

Everything around the house. Everything with the kids. And I had my own business too, so I was managing a lot. It just didn’t feel like I was getting the support I needed from my husband.

I started to feel like my husband didn’t help me with anything. And it’s not a feeling that goes away easily. It usually builds.

So naturally, I tried to fix it.

I thought, If he can just see everything I’m doing, he’ll step in.

I started writing things down. Didn’t work. He just weighed the things he did more heavily and it became a power struggle.

I even tried to communicate how much I was handling and how he needed to step up and support me.

But instead of things getting better, the response I got was: “Well, I’m working too.”

And just like that, without realizing it, I had stepped into a competition with my husband. A competition that wasn’t productive… and definitely wasn’t getting me the help I wanted.

Today things feel completely different.

I feel supported. I feel like my husband is willing to help. I appreciate what he does both inside and outside our home. 

And the interesting part is…I didn’t get here by pushing harder, explaining more, or keeping score.

If anything, I had to learn how to do the opposite. Although uncomfortable at first, it turned out to be easier than what I had been doing. 

I got a whole lot more by doing a lot less.

Why feeling like you’re doing everything can actually make things worse

I remember being in therapy, and our therapist would say, “Let’s not keep score.”

My immediate thought was, Of course my husband would love that.

Because to me, the person who doesn’t want to keep score is usually the one who is losing. 

Why else wouldn’t you want to keep score?

So I held onto my scorecard tightly.

Who did what. Who did more. Who was more tired. Who deserved a break.

But what I didn’t realize at the time was that keeping score was actually keeping us stuck.

Because when you feel like your husband doesn’t help with anything, it’s easy to start tracking everything. 

And the more you track, the more you notice the imbalance…and the more frustrated you become.

When we keep replaying it, we can pull ourselves into a low emotional state. Because who feels good believing their husband doesn’t support them?

What I eventually learned is this:

When the relationship dynamic is right, you naturally stop keeping score (without having to try!), and you feel more supported in your marriage, which actually leads your husband to show up more.

The Simple Appreciation Fix, It Works!

For a long time, I believed appreciation should be earned.

I thought, I’ll appreciate him when he does something that deserves appreciation.

Unfortunately, I learned the hard, that doesn’t work! 

For him to do more things I would appreciate, I had to find the things I already appreciated about him and highlight them.

And I know that sounds counterintuitive, especially if you’re sitting there thinking, Why should I appreciate someone who isn’t helping?

I get it. I really do.

But I’ve seen this dynamic play out before.

When I was teaching, I used to focus on correcting everything my students were doing wrong. Every disruption, every mistake. I pointed it out. It felt right to me.

If they don’t know what they are doing wrong, how would they know how to stop it?

Until another teacher pulled me to the side one day and said to me, “You’re doing it all wrong.”

She told me to find the good the students were doing and point it out and praise it. Ignore the negative behavior and focus on what the students were doing right.

And what happened next surprised me.

The entire classroom started to shift.

Students saw what was being appreciated, and they naturally wanted to do more of it because I appreciated it.

Looking back, I don’t know why I didn’t apply this same concept in my marriage sooner.

Instead, I was coming from frustration.

• “Why aren’t you helping?”

• “Can’t you see how much I’m doing?”

• “I shouldn’t have to ask.”

But that energy doesn’t bring out the best in anyone. You just become the person that’s hard to please. And people, whether a student or a husband, stop trying.

I see this play out in my own life all the time.

Every year around Thanksgiving, I make pies. What started as five or six pies for my family turned into over 30 pies for friends and extended family.

And the reason I keep doing it?

The appreciation.

When someone tells me, “Robyn, this is the best pie I’ve ever had,” I remember that. And it makes me want to keep going.

That’s not a “man thing.” That’s a human thing.

We all want to feel appreciated.

And when we do, we naturally give more.

So when you feel like your husband doesn’t help with anything, it may not be that he doesn’t care. It may be that something in the dynamic is shutting down his desire to show up.

If He’s Not Stepping Up to Help, This Could Be Why

There are a few other dynamics that can get in the way.

Could your response to his help feel like correction instead of support?

No one likes to be told exactly how to do something while they’re doing it.

If he’s stepping in and being corrected, redirected, or monitored, it can feel less like helping and more like being managed.

And this can look like your husband shutting down or pushing back:

“I’m not even going to try to help her.”

“You do it then.”

Respect, in this context, looks like trust.

Trusting that he can figure it out. Trusting that his way, even if it’s different, is still valid.

This was a big one for me.

Just because my husband did things differently than I would… doesn’t mean it’s wrong.

It’s just different.

And when you can accept those differences, you open the door for more support.

Because now, he doesn’t have to get it “right” to be appreciated.

If Your Husband Isn’t Helping, Don’t Do This!

One of the biggest changes I made was learning how to stop overfunctioning.

Before, if something wasn’t getting done, I would just do more. Because if I didn’t do it, who would?

But all that did was reinforce the dynamic I didn’t want.

So I started doing something different.

I focused on what I could do. I took care of what truly needed to be done. And I let some things go. And that created space for my husband to fill in those gaps.

Getting Your Husband to Help Isn’t About Changing Who You Are

At one point, this all felt like a game to me.

Like I had to say the “right” thing just to get help. But now I see it differently. It’s not about changing who you are.

It’s about learning how to relate to your husband in a way that actually works.

Because when your husband feels respected and appreciated, a big shift occurs.

He becomes more open, willing, and supportive.

By Robyn Lee

My husband and I have had some pretty intense arguments in the past. It always started with me telling him how I felt about something and it spiraled fast into something that was explosive and unhealthy.

It seemed like my husband always got defensive, okay, frequently (the term my therapist would have me use),  when I shared how I felt.

It happened so often that instead of getting my needs met, I started saying nothing at all because I felt like I already knew how it would go. 

He would get defensive and many times blame me! So I found myself thinking, what’s the use?

Now that my marriage is in a much better place and I have a new understanding, things that once felt confusing to me make a lot more sense.

When I think back to some of our most intense disagreements from this perspective, it’s easier to see why he reacted the way he did. Given the circumstances, his response makes sense to me now.

As I reflected, I realized there was an important relationship dynamic I hadn’t been aware of, and once I understood how it worked, I was able to relate to my husband in a way he could understand while still getting my needs met.

Frequently, not all the time, when a husband gets defensive, it’s because something that was said is landing for him as an attack, criticism, or blame.

I hadn’t understood this before. I was only able to see my own frustration and what felt clear and obvious to me.

So I found myself saying things like:

“We never go out anymore.”

“You always choose to play online chess instead of spending time with me.”

“You’re not upholding your end of the household chores.”

“It seems like I do everything around here.”

And to me, those statements felt honest. 

But I can see how they may not have landed that way on the other side.

And I also came to understand that if something landed like that for me, as an attack, criticism, or blame, I would most likely react in a similar way or simply shut down and ignore it.

How What You Share Lands As Criticism for Some Husbands

I came across research by Dr. Stosny and Patricia Love that really helped me understand this dynamic. They explain that for many men, one of the strongest emotional triggers is shame. 

Meaning that anything that activates his sense of not being good enough for you, not being able to please you, or not being respected by you may trigger a strong reaction.

For some men, that looks like shutting down and disengaging from the conversation altogether.

For others, it can show up as defensiveness, blame, or even counterattacks.

So something said calmly and from a place of wanting more connection, like,

“You don’t really plan anything for us anymore,”

can sometimes land for him more like:

“What I’m doing as a husband isn’t enough.”

And when it lands that way, it can trigger a sense of shame, which often shows up as defensiveness.

Because at that moment, he’s not responding to your intention. He’s responding to how it landed for him.

And unfortunately, that defensiveness can then land and feel a lot like blame to you.

And that’s how the downward spiral begins.

So how do you share what you need in a marriage without triggering that kind of defensiveness?

Here’s a Highly Effective Way to Stop Your Husband’s Defensiveness Before It Starts

One of the most effective ways I’ve found to reduce defensiveness is to first understand that we, as partners, often see the same situation very differently.

Most people understand this in theory. But it’s very different when you’re able to hold that perspective in the moment, especially when something feels clear and obvious to you.

In reality, the same situation can look completely different depending on who’s experiencing it.

Take a recent situation between my husband and me around how we each engage with the kids.

When I’m with them, I naturally carve out time to clean up and focus on their studies.

When my husband is with them, he tends to take a more hands-off approach.

For me, it’s natural to judge the way he engages with the kids, or what feels like a lack of engagement. But I’ve had to step back and recognize that he most likely doesn’t see it the same way.

From his perspective, he’s still watching the kids, just in a different way. He checks in during small breaks, looking up to make sure everything is all right.

Let me be clear, I don’t necessarily agree with the way he engages with our kids at times. But the goal isn’t complete agreement, it’s getting more of what you want.

I’ve tried yelling, crying, and even calmly talking about it, and none of it worked.

What has worked, and what’s been effective in our marriage, is this:

1. Acknowledging what he is doing right.

“Hey babes, thanks for keeping an eye out on the kids while I go out for a few hours. I really love all the time you spend with them and it gives me a much needed moment to breathe.”

Now, I want to say this too, because I know this comes up:

I’ve read some perspectives that say parenting is a shared responsibility, and because of that, you shouldn’t have to thank your husband for things like this.

And while I understand that point of view, I’ve found that what actually works in real life often depends on how your husband currently sees himself and the role he believes he plays.

If he doesn’t naturally see things the same way you do yet, meeting him where he is tends to be much more effective than trying to correct him in the moment.

Over time, that understanding can grow. But trying to force that shift all at once usually creates more resistance than change.

I’ve found it’s more effective to work with what’s in front of you, especially if your goal is to get more of what you want right now.

Because there’s a big difference between asking for a specific behavior… and trying to change how someone sees themselves entirely.

And that leads into the next part of this.

2. Ask for what you want.

“Would you mind having the kids do their homework and cleaning up before I get back home? Thank you so much! I really appreciate it.

It’s a shift from pointing out what he isn’t doing to acknowledging what he is doing and then clearly asking for what you want. 

I’ve found it to be much more effective to be direct than to drop hints.

In the case of the date nights, it may look like:

“Hey babes, I really miss it when you used to plan fun dates for us. You always planned the best dates. Do you think you could plan something for us this weekend? I’d really love it.”

Yes, this may feel very different from how you’re used to relating to your husband, but I’ve found it to be much more effective in getting what you actually want and need.

How Reducing Defensiveness Can Change the Way You Connect

So the next time you find yourself thinking,

“I’m just sharing how I feel… why is he getting defensive?”

It may be worth pausing for a moment and asking yourself,

What might this be sounding like on the other side?

Because sometimes what feels honest and clear to you can be received very differently by him, and that difference alone can completely change how the conversation unfolds.

And when you begin to see that, not from a place of blaming yourself or holding back, but from a place of understanding how things are landing, it naturally shifts how you show up.

Not perfectly, and not all at once, but in a way that creates more space for him to hear you without feeling like he needs to defend himself.

And from that place, the conversation has a much better chance of becoming something that brings you closer instead of pushing you further apart.