By Robyn Lee
I remember a time when I was frustrated because it felt like I was doing everything.
Everything around the house. Everything with the kids. And I had my own business too, so I was managing a lot. It just didn’t feel like I was getting the support I needed from my husband.
I started to feel like my husband didn’t help me with anything. And it’s not a feeling that goes away easily. It usually builds.
So naturally, I tried to fix it.
I thought, If he can just see everything I’m doing, he’ll step in.
I started writing things down. Didn’t work. He just weighed the things he did more heavily and it became a power struggle.
I even tried to communicate how much I was handling and how he needed to step up and support me.
But instead of things getting better, the response I got was: “Well, I’m working too.”
And just like that, without realizing it, I had stepped into a competition with my husband. A competition that wasn’t productive… and definitely wasn’t getting me the help I wanted.
Today things feel completely different.
I feel supported. I feel like my husband is willing to help. I appreciate what he does both inside and outside our home.
And the interesting part is…I didn’t get here by pushing harder, explaining more, or keeping score.
If anything, I had to learn how to do the opposite. Although uncomfortable at first, it turned out to be easier than what I had been doing.
I got a whole lot more by doing a lot less.
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Why feeling like you’re doing everything can actually make things worse
I remember being in therapy, and our therapist would say, “Let’s not keep score.”
My immediate thought was, Of course my husband would love that.
Because to me, the person who doesn’t want to keep score is usually the one who is losing.
Why else wouldn’t you want to keep score?
So I held onto my scorecard tightly.
Who did what. Who did more. Who was more tired. Who deserved a break.
But what I didn’t realize at the time was that keeping score was actually keeping us stuck.
Because when you feel like your husband doesn’t help with anything, it’s easy to start tracking everything.
And the more you track, the more you notice the imbalance…and the more frustrated you become.
When we keep replaying it, we can pull ourselves into a low emotional state. Because who feels good believing their husband doesn’t support them?
What I eventually learned is this:
When the relationship dynamic is right, you naturally stop keeping score (without having to try!), and you feel more supported in your marriage, which actually leads your husband to show up more.
The Simple Appreciation Fix, It Works!
For a long time, I believed appreciation should be earned.
I thought, I’ll appreciate him when he does something that deserves appreciation.
Unfortunately, I learned the hard, that doesn’t work!
For him to do more things I would appreciate, I had to find the things I already appreciated about him and highlight them.
And I know that sounds counterintuitive, especially if you’re sitting there thinking, Why should I appreciate someone who isn’t helping?
I get it. I really do.
But I’ve seen this dynamic play out before.
When I was teaching, I used to focus on correcting everything my students were doing wrong. Every disruption, every mistake. I pointed it out. It felt right to me.
If they don’t know what they are doing wrong, how would they know how to stop it?
Until another teacher pulled me to the side one day and said to me, “You’re doing it all wrong.”
She told me to find the good the students were doing and point it out and praise it. Ignore the negative behavior and focus on what the students were doing right.
And what happened next surprised me.
The entire classroom started to shift.
Students saw what was being appreciated, and they naturally wanted to do more of it because I appreciated it.
Looking back, I don’t know why I didn’t apply this same concept in my marriage sooner.
Instead, I was coming from frustration.
- “Why aren’t you helping?”
- “Can’t you see how much I’m doing?”
- “I shouldn’t have to ask.”
But that energy doesn’t bring out the best in anyone. You just become the person that’s hard to please. And people, whether a student or a husband, stop trying.
I see this play out in my own life all the time.
Every year around Thanksgiving, I make pies. What started as five or six pies for my family turned into over 30 pies for friends and extended family.
And the reason I keep doing it?
The appreciation.
When someone tells me, “Robyn, this is the best pie I’ve ever had,” I remember that. And it makes me want to keep going.
That’s not a “man thing.” That’s a human thing.
We all want to feel appreciated.
And when we do, we naturally give more.
So when you feel like your husband doesn’t help with anything, it may not be that he doesn’t care. It may be that something in the dynamic is shutting down his desire to show up.
If He’s Not Stepping Up to Help, This Could Be Why
There are a few other dynamics that can get in the way.
Could your response to his help feel like correction instead of support?
No one likes to be told exactly how to do something while they’re doing it.
If he’s stepping in and being corrected, redirected, or monitored, it can feel less like helping and more like being managed.
And this can look like your husband shutting down or pushing back:
“I’m not even going to try to help her.”
“You do it then.”
Respect, in this context, looks like trust.
Trusting that he can figure it out. Trusting that his way, even if it’s different, is still valid.
This was a big one for me.
Just because my husband did things differently than I would… doesn’t mean it’s wrong.
It’s just different.
And when you can accept those differences, you open the door for more support.
Because now, he doesn’t have to get it “right” to be appreciated.
If Your Husband Isn’t Helping, Don’t Do This!
One of the biggest changes I made was learning how to stop overfunctioning.
Before, if something wasn’t getting done, I would just do more. Because if I didn’t do it, who would?
But all that did was reinforce the dynamic I didn’t want.
So I started doing something different.
I focused on what I could do. I took care of what truly needed to be done. And I let some things go. And that created space for my husband to fill in those gaps.
Getting Your Husband to Help Isn’t About Changing Who You Are
At one point, this all felt like a game to me.
Like I had to say the “right” thing just to get help. But now I see it differently. It’s not about changing who you are.
It’s about learning how to relate to your husband in a way that actually works.
Because when your husband feels respected and appreciated, a big shift occurs.
He becomes more open, willing, and supportive.
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