Relationship Blackbook

Strategies To Attract Your Perfect Love - Lessons To Build A Lasting Relationship

Robyn Lee

How Do I Ask My Best Friend Out?

I’ve had a crush on my best guy friend for years. I want to ask him out, or even get him to ask me out but I just found out that he likes someone else. How do I ask my best friend out? If he says no, how do I keep it from being awkward?

First, I’m going to give you my best suggestion. Then I’m going to answer your question since I know it’s going to be difficult to follow this advice. It usually comes in hindsight.

My best suggestion is to keep him as a friend and get to know him a little better and move on to other men who have more interest in you.

Here’s Why:

If you are crushing on him intensely and thinking that you guys would be “good together”, you may be eliminating other prospects in your mind and you are less likely to flirt with guys that find you attractive.

Your crush on your best friend does little for your self esteem because you are probably wondering why he hasn’t made a move. Are you pretty enough? Are you his type?

If he had a strong interest, he would have made a move some time ago. He may be shy, but with men, they usually find some way to show you their interest. It may be helpful to observe the way he acts around this girl “he likes”. Pay attention to what he does. Does he make moves? Does he talk about how he is going to call her? Does he go on dates with her?

Is this what you want for yourself? Do you want a man to make moves and pursue you? Then it probably won’t be in this relationship because he has already had his opportunity to “view” you and contemplate the idea of a relationship with you and has decided against it, especially since you say he likes another girl.

If you want that pursuing feeling you will have to flirt with other men. You don’t want to get stuck in a “friendlaship” (I made this word up:) – It’s a friendship/relationship that goes NOWHERE. And you end up getting hurt when your friend gets into a relationship with someone else.

I’m going to also challenge you to really get to know your friend. What does this mean? Chances are if you have a crush on him you’re only focusing on the “good” things about him. But what you will need to do is to get into some real conversations with him and find out about him. Write down a list of what you want in a relationship. Is this really the guy that is going to be able to provide that for you? Look at it in an objective way.

I’ve been there, I’ve had a crush on a friend. BUT, as I got to really know him and not covering up all his “faults” with rosy glasses, I realized that the WORST possible thing that could have happened to me was us getting together, he’s an awesome guy, that’s why we’re still friends but honestly we would not have worked for a variety of reasons.

But to answer your question, I would say you definitely will want to know whether he likes you or not so you can stop expending mental space on thoughts of a relationship if there is no chance.

My best advice is actually from an interview I did with Marvin Barrett on “Signs that A Man Likes You”. He mentioned a pretty cool way you can determine a friend’s feelings for you. Mention to your friend that you had a “weird dream” and give a little background. The background info should be interesting or revealing in some way. Maybe you guys kissed, had children or got married. Tell him that the weirdest part of it was when you woke up it felt so real. Follow this up with “Could you imagine if that were true?”  Wait for his response. His answer is going to be very telling of his feelings about you.

My Boyfriend Is Asking Me For Money…Again

My boyfriend asks me for money. What does this indicate? He has asked more than once. What should I do?

This can be a sticky situation depending on how long you have been together. If this is a new relationship, under no circumstances should you be loaning or giving him money. If you have been in the relationship for a while, things do come up, especially if you are younger and still trying to get your finances together.

If you continue to give or loan him money, you become an enabler, because he knows that he can depend on you, so he is less likely to manage the money that he does have well.

Here’s my question. If you don’t give him the money, what will happen? Most likely, he will ask someone else, so let him do that. You can’t drain your finances to help him. You have to take care of your financial commitments first. See if you can help him in other ways instead of giving or loaning him money.

 

He Was Flattered At First…Now He’s Pulling Away

I feel like I’ve been chasing a guy, at first he seemed flattered but now he’s pulling away. How do I get a guy to be interested in me again?

This is a great question! I talk about chasing and pursuing in my 10 lesson mini course. This is because I feel that it is vital in attraction and continued attraction.

It may be hard to do this, but the best thing you can do is take some time and focus on yourself. It may seem by not continuing to pursue him that he won’t know that “you like him”. This is not true. One of the mistakes that women make in dating and relationships is believing if they aren’t continuously showing a man that they “like him” or that they are “into him” than he will lose interest. This is what is effective with women, not men.

As women, we like for a man to continuously chase and show his affection for us. Men are different in that respect, if you continuously do these things for men, HE WILL LOSE INTEREST, no matter how interested he was at first.

Another thing that gets in our way of bringing the attraction back is the idea that “I don’t want to play games”. It’s not playing games, it’s doing what is effective. If you want to lose weight, it’s a known fact that you have to exercise. Because you really DON’T want to exercise or you don’t “feel” like doing it, are you playing games to lose weight? Heck no, you’re doing what’s effective. So here is what’s effective at bringing his attraction back IF he liked you in the beginning.

Focus more on yourself and the things you like to do. Don’t change your schedule for him and don’t interrupt what you are doing to accommodate him. I personally have a TV show that I love to watch and anyone short of the President or the actual people in the show coming into my living room to meet me would get completely ignored.

Allow him to be the one to pursue. Don’t call him or “accidentally” run into him. It may take a couple of weeks, but when he contacts you again his attraction will be stronger and you would have cooled down a bit because you have been too involved in your own life to think about him. This works amazingly.

 

I Like Him But…He Doesn’t Work With Me Anymore!

I like a man I met 5 months ago. I want him to know I like him and I also want to know if he likes me too. We are not in constant communication since he no longer works at my office. What should I do?

Yes, it can be a horrible feeling if you like someone and they are no longer accessible to you anymore. The best way to have handled this situation is prevention. A lot of times as women we are scared to make the “first move” but often times we will have to make that “secret” first move for a man to notice us, if he hasn’t already and for him to ask us out.

Now if you read any of my lessons in my 10 Lesson Mini Course, you know that I am not a proponent of women chasing men. This is because through the chase the man’s attraction grows. But, making the first move doesn’t have to be a chase. A simple warm smile will let him know that you are approachable, at least in a work situation. So if you find yourself in a similar situation in the future, make sure you are letting your interest be known, but in a non aggressive sort of way.

But, you are probably wondering what you can do NOW since he no longer works with you. Well, the first thing you can do is contact him and ask him for his advice on something, assuming you have his contact information. This should only be done if you have contacted him previously or if you guys had small conversations before. You should not be looking up men’s numbers in the phone book or on Facebook.

After he has given you some advice, thank him and let him know that he has helped greatly. Then you will want to mention getting together for some coffee or something, it should be something light, where it doesn’t seem like a “date”. After you have met, smile and  thank him for a good time. If he is interested, he will be the one that schedules the next meeting.  Don’t ask him out again.

 

He Hasn’t Asked Me Out

I’ve been talking with a guy for 4 months and we have yet to go out. I’m reading his actions and feel he’s lost interest or thinking about someone else. He says that’s not true but so far he’s not proving me wrong. Should I issue an ultimatum? Would it even make a difference? Why do guys do that?

First you have to decide whether you really want to go out. If you want a relationship where you actually go out than that’s what you have to move towards. If your relationship with him isn’t leading you in that direction, then you should focus on other men who will lead you in that direction. I’m not saying eliminate communication with him if you enjoy the conversations, but he shouldn’t be your “main squeeze”.

Ultimatums rarely work, with men or women. Instead you should tell him what you want. Not in a demanding or “you better do this” sort of way, but with a smile. If you see him face to face at times, look him in his eyes and smile and tell him you would like to go out. (This technique is highly effective, I use it all the time)

Don’t mention it again to him and don’t hold a grudge if he hasn’t asked you out by a certain time, just make what you want clear to him. If most of your communication is over the phone, smile, yes even if you are on the phone – people can hear smiles, then tell him that you would like for the two of you to go out together. Be prepared to have a couple of places in mind if he asks where you want to go.

Don’t get into a huge conversation about it. Just state your request and move on with your life. At this point it’s up to him whether he will ask you out. If he does, great! If he doesn’t, that’s great too! Now you know that he isn’t going to be able to provide that for you and you can move on to other men that will.

“Why do guys do that?”

All guys don’t do that. You’ve either set the stage for you being “the woman he doesn’t have to take out” or he’s the type of man that doesn’t go out. The first is most likely true since men will do things they don’t want to do when they know that is what it’s going to take to get the woman they want.

 

4 Page Letters And Other Attraction Myths

This past weekend I was hanging out with a male friend of mine and there was a song that started to play on the radio. It was one of the late songstress Aaliyah’s popular tunes, 4 Page Letter.

The lyrics never really stood out to me, especially when I was younger and used to sing along when it came on the radio.

But for some reason, this time I really paid attention to the lyrics and although I like this song, I realized that this was the worst relationship advice anyone could give to a woman.

If you are unfamiliar with the song, here are a few of the lyrics “I Always Had My Eyes, On This One Particular Guy – I Was Too Shy, So I Decided To Write – I’m Sending Him A Four Page Letter”

From this song, it sounds as if Aaliyah doesn’t even know the guy, but is going to spend her time and energy writing him a four page letter!

Alright, I understand that when you start writing sometimes it just flows. I’m a writer, I get that. Sometimes I have a hard time keeping my writings to you guys within a reasonable limit – because there is so much information to share. And it’s easier for me too, since I am typing.

But, this song was written in the 90’s and computer use wasn’t near as popular as it is now. So most likely Aaliyah was going to actually write (with pen and paper) this four page letter to this guy she didn’t know.

Hmmm….What’s wrong with four page letters?

Absolutely nothing, if it’s for a college application or a business proposal or even to write to get your child into a competitive private school. But to write a four page letter to a guy, it’s a little obsessive and a bit scary.

I turned to my guy friend and asked him, if he would like to receive a four page letter from a woman and he said it was a little bit too much and as I asked around, a lot of men just said it was a complete turn off.

Why Four Page Letters Unequivocally Don’t Work

If you’ve been following my lessons, you know that I you not to pursue men. This doesn’t mean that you never talk to men or never have male friendships. This means that you shouldn’t be laying all your cards out on the table and trying to convince him that you are the one.

Men love the chase and if you take that away from him, you have done him and yourself a great disservice. One of the worst feelings in the world is actually being successful at getting the guy that you chased, only to see him turn around and pursue another woman – shy guys do this too.

Most men know how to make the first move – if they’re interested. Let him do that. If you start out chasing a man you will have to continue it throughout the duration of the relationship.

Writing him a letter is just another way of pursuing, “Here I am, Pick Me”.

Let’s Look At the Expectations Here

When you write long letters you are most likely pouring out a lot of feelings and expectations, what you believe your relationship will look like.

These are just your thoughts! You don’t know if he will be the one you want or not, you don’t know him!

You are presenting to him a fairytale that it will be hard to live up to. This scares him. You’ve already placed him on a pedestal, worthy of a four page letter without really knowing him.

And if by a small, minute, mustard seed chance that he is interested in you from your letter, he will quickly fall from your graces because you will realize that he’s not perfect soon enough. And most likely you will be expecting him to show you the same level of interest you showed him.

Well What If I Do Know Him?

Still don’t do it, but this is for another blog post, another day.

Here’s What We Want

Intuitively we know we want the four page letter to come from him, because that would be so romantic, along with a dozen roses and chocolates.

Since women want these things, we make the huge mistake of believing that if we give these things to him, he will give us what we need in return. This is false.

Men are different from women!

Men love the chase. If you are effective at getting him to chase you while giving positive signals, his attraction will increase, and eventually he will do these things for you.