Relationship Blackbook

Stronger Connections, Happier Relationships

Robyn Lee

Settling For Less In A Relationship

settling for less in a relationshipNever thought I could learn from MiMi. You see, MiMi is actually my sister’s 2 year old (human years) cocker spaniel.

Mimi kept whining and whining to the point that I just had to ask my sister what was wrong with her dog. She told me MiMi was hungry.

Well that was pretty weird, seeing that MiMi’s food bowl was completely full.

Probably from my weird facial expressions my sister added, “She doesn’t like the dog food, she likes real food, so she just doesn’t eat”

And I started to think about how many women, I’ve been guilty also, accept the dog food instead of the real meal.

I continued to watch MiMi and how every time someone came with a plate of food she would look as to let the person know that they should think about her too because real food is just what she ate.

I watched MiMi and started to feel sorry for her because I didn’t think she was going to get any “real food” that day when something miraculous happened. My dad reached into the fridge and threw MiMi a hot dog.

Then MiMi finally ate.

Here’s the thing: How many women instead of being single or like MiMi expecting that something better is going to come along just take what they are given?
How do you expect to be treated?

When a guy approaches you in the wrong way or doesn’t treat you the way you should be treated, do you just accept it thinking that “dog food” is all you are going to get OR do you hold out until you get something REAL?

How you expect to be treated is usually how people are going to treat you. Because when you don’t get that type of treatment, you start to act like MiMi. You refuse to have it!

There is someone out there that is willing to treat you the way you deserve to be treated. There is someone out there that will provide what you want. You just can’t settle for what is in front of you.

Neither should you be afraid that if you don’t accept the treatment, that is all you are going to get.

Sometimes in relationships you might think that you should be happy for the little that you are getting. Besides, who else is going to put up with you? That is completely the wrong mindset and instead you should be thinking about the many men who would love to be around you.

If you are single, are you passing over opportunities that are obviously not what you want? I’m not talking about disrespecting a man who approaches you or not giving a guy a chance because you saw him laugh at a commercial you didn’t think was funny.

I’m talking about serious things that you just can’t put up with. You should refuse them just like MiMi did the dog food because that is so far from what you expect you couldn’t phantom having anything else.

You don’t have to be rude about it either because when you truly know that you deserve better. It just shows. By the way you walk, the way you talk, and most importantly the energy you are giving out. Those people that can’t provide the “real meal” will feel so uncomfortable around you, they will leave.

So, what are you expecting today?

Comments welcomed on this post:)

 

 

How To Repair Your Relationship & Fall In Love Again: 3 Tips

Do you love him? Is the relationship not working out the way you want?

If you are suffering through relationship problems, it can be particularly tough, especially during the holidays.

There is a lot of pretending for families or facing the truth when your partner decides not to show up for events that he has in the past.

It hurts.

I remember a low point in one of my relationships. Things had worked out so well in the beginning and all of a sudden it seemed to be the complete opposite.

In the beginning we spent lots of time together and laughed together, but as our relationship began to deteriorate I found that he wasn’t sharing as much with me and even discovered that he had other female “friends” I was unaware of.

At that time, I didn’t know what I could possibly do, I had no guidance. None of my friends could relate to my relationship problems since their relationships seemed to be getting along great.

So, I had to watch the demise of our relationship as it slowly got to the point where he didn’t even answer my calls.

He didn’t even LIKE me anymore.

When I think back on that relationship, I know that it was one that could have been saved but I didn’t have the knowledge to do so. Things that I thought were helping the relationship were actually making the problems worse.

The truth is the longer you wait to fix your relationship problems, the harder it becomes to do so. Here are some tips you can use right now to get you on the right track:

1. Stop Blaming

It can be easy for you to blame your partner if things aren’t going right in your relationship. If only he would do this…things would be better. If he hadn’t had done that…you would be able to love him more.

All this blaming only serves to make the relationship worse. Because if you feel this way, he probably knows it and blaming someone does not make them want to do anything better. It pushes them farther away.

2. Focus on Yourself

This may sound counter intuitive, but focusing on yourself actually helps the relationship because you become happier. And when you are happy, you become more attractive and desired.

Once you take the focus off your relationship and onto things that truly make you happy whether it is with him or without him, you set the stage for your relationship to improve.

This means you should really be taking a look at the things that make you happy. Do you like working out? Join a gym. Do you like reading? Join a book club or create your own. What do you like to do? What makes you happy? Get back into those things.

Often times, just being happy changes the dynamics of your relationship.

3. Appreciate the things he does

But what if he doesn’t do anything? You may have to do some researching here, but find some things that he is doing well and thank him for them.

If he has washed dishes, tell him that you appreciate him washing dishes. If he has called you to see how you are doing. Tell him you appreciate him calling.

This is HUGE. Once you start appreciating the things he is doing, he will start to do more of them.

 

How Do I Ask My Best Friend Out?

I’ve had a crush on my best guy friend for years. I want to ask him out, or even get him to ask me out but I just found out that he likes someone else. How do I ask my best friend out? If he says no, how do I keep it from being awkward?

First, I’m going to give you my best suggestion. Then I’m going to answer your question since I know it’s going to be difficult to follow this advice. It usually comes in hindsight.

My best suggestion is to keep him as a friend and get to know him a little better and move on to other men who have more interest in you.

Here’s Why:

If you are crushing on him intensely and thinking that you guys would be “good together”, you may be eliminating other prospects in your mind and you are less likely to flirt with guys that find you attractive.

Your crush on your best friend does little for your self esteem because you are probably wondering why he hasn’t made a move. Are you pretty enough? Are you his type?

If he had a strong interest, he would have made a move some time ago. He may be shy, but with men, they usually find some way to show you their interest. It may be helpful to observe the way he acts around this girl “he likes”. Pay attention to what he does. Does he make moves? Does he talk about how he is going to call her? Does he go on dates with her?

Is this what you want for yourself? Do you want a man to make moves and pursue you? Then it probably won’t be in this relationship because he has already had his opportunity to “view” you and contemplate the idea of a relationship with you and has decided against it, especially since you say he likes another girl.

If you want that pursuing feeling you will have to flirt with other men. You don’t want to get stuck in a “friendlaship” (I made this word up:) – It’s a friendship/relationship that goes NOWHERE. And you end up getting hurt when your friend gets into a relationship with someone else.

I’m going to also challenge you to really get to know your friend. What does this mean? Chances are if you have a crush on him you’re only focusing on the “good” things about him. But what you will need to do is to get into some real conversations with him and find out about him. Write down a list of what you want in a relationship. Is this really the guy that is going to be able to provide that for you? Look at it in an objective way.

I’ve been there, I’ve had a crush on a friend. BUT, as I got to really know him and not covering up all his “faults” with rosy glasses, I realized that the WORST possible thing that could have happened to me was us getting together, he’s an awesome guy, that’s why we’re still friends but honestly we would not have worked for a variety of reasons.

But to answer your question, I would say you definitely will want to know whether he likes you or not so you can stop expending mental space on thoughts of a relationship if there is no chance.

My best advice is actually from an interview I did with Marvin Barrett on “Signs that A Man Likes You”. He mentioned a pretty cool way you can determine a friend’s feelings for you. Mention to your friend that you had a “weird dream” and give a little background. The background info should be interesting or revealing in some way. Maybe you guys kissed, had children or got married. Tell him that the weirdest part of it was when you woke up it felt so real. Follow this up with “Could you imagine if that were true?”  Wait for his response. His answer is going to be very telling of his feelings about you.

My Boyfriend Is Asking Me For Money…Again

My boyfriend asks me for money. What does this indicate? He has asked more than once. What should I do?

This can be a sticky situation depending on how long you have been together. If this is a new relationship, under no circumstances should you be loaning or giving him money. If you have been in the relationship for a while, things do come up, especially if you are younger and still trying to get your finances together.

If you continue to give or loan him money, you become an enabler, because he knows that he can depend on you, so he is less likely to manage the money that he does have well.

Here’s my question. If you don’t give him the money, what will happen? Most likely, he will ask someone else, so let him do that. You can’t drain your finances to help him. You have to take care of your financial commitments first. See if you can help him in other ways instead of giving or loaning him money.

 

He Was Flattered At First…Now He’s Pulling Away

I feel like I’ve been chasing a guy, at first he seemed flattered but now he’s pulling away. How do I get a guy to be interested in me again?

This is a great question! I talk about chasing and pursuing in my 10 lesson mini course. This is because I feel that it is vital in attraction and continued attraction.

It may be hard to do this, but the best thing you can do is take some time and focus on yourself. It may seem by not continuing to pursue him that he won’t know that “you like him”. This is not true. One of the mistakes that women make in dating and relationships is believing if they aren’t continuously showing a man that they “like him” or that they are “into him” than he will lose interest. This is what is effective with women, not men.

As women, we like for a man to continuously chase and show his affection for us. Men are different in that respect, if you continuously do these things for men, HE WILL LOSE INTEREST, no matter how interested he was at first.

Another thing that gets in our way of bringing the attraction back is the idea that “I don’t want to play games”. It’s not playing games, it’s doing what is effective. If you want to lose weight, it’s a known fact that you have to exercise. Because you really DON’T want to exercise or you don’t “feel” like doing it, are you playing games to lose weight? Heck no, you’re doing what’s effective. So here is what’s effective at bringing his attraction back IF he liked you in the beginning.

Focus more on yourself and the things you like to do. Don’t change your schedule for him and don’t interrupt what you are doing to accommodate him. I personally have a TV show that I love to watch and anyone short of the President or the actual people in the show coming into my living room to meet me would get completely ignored.

Allow him to be the one to pursue. Don’t call him or “accidentally” run into him. It may take a couple of weeks, but when he contacts you again his attraction will be stronger and you would have cooled down a bit because you have been too involved in your own life to think about him. This works amazingly.

 

I Like Him But…He Doesn’t Work With Me Anymore!

I like a man I met 5 months ago. I want him to know I like him and I also want to know if he likes me too. We are not in constant communication since he no longer works at my office. What should I do?

Yes, it can be a horrible feeling if you like someone and they are no longer accessible to you anymore. The best way to have handled this situation is prevention. A lot of times as women we are scared to make the “first move” but often times we will have to make that “secret” first move for a man to notice us, if he hasn’t already and for him to ask us out.

Now if you read any of my lessons in my 10 Lesson Mini Course, you know that I am not a proponent of women chasing men. This is because through the chase the man’s attraction grows. But, making the first move doesn’t have to be a chase. A simple warm smile will let him know that you are approachable, at least in a work situation. So if you find yourself in a similar situation in the future, make sure you are letting your interest be known, but in a non aggressive sort of way.

But, you are probably wondering what you can do NOW since he no longer works with you. Well, the first thing you can do is contact him and ask him for his advice on something, assuming you have his contact information. This should only be done if you have contacted him previously or if you guys had small conversations before. You should not be looking up men’s numbers in the phone book or on Facebook.

After he has given you some advice, thank him and let him know that he has helped greatly. Then you will want to mention getting together for some coffee or something, it should be something light, where it doesn’t seem like a “date”. After you have met, smile and  thank him for a good time. If he is interested, he will be the one that schedules the next meeting.  Don’t ask him out again.