Relationship Blackbook

Stronger Connections, Happier Relationships

Robyn Lee

What Is The 80-20 Rule In Marriage, And How Do You Apply It?

“Going with the flow” in your relationship is fine for the most part. But integrating healthy rules that only serve to strengthen your love life can’t be a bad thing, right? So, what is the 80-20 rule in marriage, and why should you care? 

Well, buckle up, you are in for a ride.

In 1906, Italian philosopher Vilfredo Federico Pareto came up with the Pareto Principle. He discovered that 80% of his country’s wealth was owned by 20% of the population. He also realized that 80% of productive output can be attributed to 20% effort. 

But make no mistake, the 80-20 rule is not limited to the economic field. This concept can be adapted to almost any situation with resounding success. 

In Japan, the Hara Hachi Bu philosophy states that people should only eat until they are 80% full. Some researchers maintain that that is part of the reason why Japanese people live longer than the average person. 

Count on this revolutionary concept to drastically improve your relationship as well. The 80-20 principle is all about minimum effort for maximum results. As you are about to realize, 20% of what you do in your relationship will account for 80% of the outcomes. Here’s how:

Attitude Is Everything

Attitude Is Everything

Don’t we all cherish that heady, love-struck period of a relationship when everything runs like clockwork? It is as if nothing can go wrong. Just pure bliss! 

I would give anything to remain in this state of effortless cohesion with my partner. I bet you would do too. But as you know by now, reality likes to crash a good party. Since you can’t escape the demands of being an adult, applying the 80-20 rule in your relationship ensures balance. 

Begin by working on your attitude. I’m serious! Attitude can turn any ordeal into an adventure. Your relationship or marriage will mostly be shaped by the attitude you have towards obstacles.

Life will constantly throw challenges in the way of your relationship. It’s nothing new. Your attitude will determine whether you will fast overcome the obstacles in your way or sulk and wallow in misery. 

Let’s be honest, the “perfect relationship” doesn’t exist. Even couples that make it look easy have to put in work. And that includes having the right attitude in life. Starting developing that new positive attitude today.

Clear The Clutter Within

We all have baggage. There’s no escaping this fact. Your actions today are heavily influenced by past experiences. While good experiences will bring out the best of you, focussing on traumatic events has the opposite effect. This is where the 80-20 rule comes into effect. 

It allows you to focus most of what you have on growing your partner. This is what real love is all about: selflessness.

Finding sustainable solutions to your inner struggles will help you better connect with your partner. Instead of focussing on unrealistic expectations, you will learn to embrace your relationship with all its imperfections. By lowering your expectations and raising your standards, you will find that events of the past no longer have power over you.

Overcoming your inner struggles is not as hard as you think. All you have to do is make a commitment. It may be challenging. But the price is well worth it. Over time, you will be able to better support your partner when they go through a rough patch. 

Generally, you can use the 80 20 principle for relationships as a tool to better support your partner. By focusing on your partner’s well-being, you get to strengthen your relationship in the process. 

Of course, solely focussing on the needs of your partner may not be a good idea. You should set some time apart for yourself and focus on your needs as well. After all, embracing your partner’s flaws is only possible after you have vanquished your inner demons

Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder

Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder

I know, you love spending time with your partner. But, did you know that unless you set some time apart for yourself, your relationship will deteriorate as a result? It’s true. 

You might both grow tired of each other’s company, or worse, your partner will find your presence suffocating. The fact is, we are individuals, and it is a good idea to remind yourself of this every once in a while.

Guess what? The relationship 80-20 rule can be adapted in this case as well. Let me explain. 

One way to maintain a long-lasting marriage or relationship is by making sure your partner is growing together with you. Solely focusing on yourself is not a good idea, and here’s why. 

For starters, it’s outright selfish. Leaving your partner’s needs by the roadside is setting yourself up for a break-up or, worse, divorce. It’s simple, you can either grow together as a team or grow apart as individuals. 

On the flip side, focussing all of your time on nurturing your partner is not a good idea. Remember, you will never be able to fulfill all of your partner’s needs. Using the relationship 80-20 rule, you should set aside a respectable chunk of your time for your own pursuits. 

Think of it as your get-out-of-jail card. You get to focus on yourself and do whatever you want, within reason of course. 

Spending too much time with your significant other will desensitize you. The result? You will forget the worth of your union over time. More often, this is a major reason why people end up cheating or in an unhappy marriage. You will have no one to blame when your relationship or marriage fails as a result of your actions or inactions. 

Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder

Setting apart some time for yourself is not selfish. Think of it as hitting the refresh button on your relationship. Every once in a while, you get to go on a self-discovery journey, nurturing your individual needs. The big question is, how can you get the most out of your time during this period? 

The truth is, it’s completely up to you. It actually all depends on what you want for yourself. For example, you can focus on a hobby if personal growth is your objective. Focussing your time on growing your skillset makes more sense if you want to grow professionally. 

Also, spending your time relaxing is perfectly fine. In fact, I advise you to do this more often. As mentioned earlier, the 80-20 principle in relationships is all about minimum effort for maximum results. Letting your hair down every once in a while will work wonders for your love life. Feasting on your favorite junk food while binge-watching your show is a good example. Of course, remember not to take it overboard. 

Trust me, you will cherish your partner more if you apply this concept to your relationship. Not only will you have more experiences to share, but you will be reminded of the value of your relationship as well. 

Meet Your Partner Halfway

At the risk of sounding dramatic, it’s you and your partner against the world. Now, I don’t mean that in a combative way. But if you can’t move as a cohesive unit, then your relationship is doomed to fail. 

At the end of the day, no one is perfect. People who make this realization early on are able to develop a high level of emotional maturity. 

Despite one’s background or upbringing, one factor is constant in our lives: We are all struggling with something. Your struggles could be related to your career or personal life. 

Here’s where it gets tricky. It’s easy to focus on yourself and leave your partner to their own devices. After all, you have to take care of yourself first, right? 

The problem with approaching your relationship with this mentality is that you will forever be unsatisfied with your partner. Unrealistic expectations are often a sign of a lack of emotional maturity in a relationship. 

You can avoid this using the 80-20 rule in relationships. By uplifting your partner, you get to learn a lot about yourself in the process. 

For starters, you will learn to better handle heavy issues that would otherwise tax you emotionally. In addition to this, you will better empathize with your partner as you help them through their own personal struggles. Meeting your partner halfway will obviously allow you to strengthen your relationship and grow as an individual. 

Ignoring the need for this could have grave consequences. By focusing solely on your needs, you push your worst attributes to the forefront: greed and selfishness. In no time, you will want everything to revolve around you. Your partner and your relationship will take a back seat as you prioritize your needs. 

Now, there’s one problem with such an approach. Your need for adoration will become insatiable. You will never feel satisfied with your life if your main point of focus is your ego. The result? 

You will end up pushing everyone who loves you away. The sad part is that you won’t realize the damage you are causing until it’s too late. 

But by applying the 80-20 principle in your relationship, you can give more and take less. Offer your support without expecting anything in return. It’s the only way to love unconditionally. 

Benefits Of The 80-20 Rule

Back to our earlier question: What is the 80-20 rule in marriage? Well, my hope is that you have at least grasped the basics. Let’s now find out how applying this rule in your marriage will benefit your love life and strengthen your union.

Appreciating Your Partner More

Appreciating Your Partner More

Set aside time to evaluate your perspective on relationships. Are you putting your focus where it should be? Do you truly appreciate your spouse?

Use the 80-20 rule to gauge your perspective on relationships. Find out where you have been placing more and less of your focus. It’s easy for you to say you have a wife whom you love very much. But do you truly appreciate her as a human being? Are you able to see her without shining the marriage spotlight?

Your ideal partner should be your best friend before anything else. Only then can you be able to share a mutual sense of appreciation for one another. 

A Refreshing Perspective On Relationships

Nowadays, many of us insist on “equality” in everything. We want a 50-50 relationship, where each person only gives 50% of themselves. However, this can completely destroy your relationship or marriage. In reality, you cannot play it safe in such a union. 

In fact, it would be very unreasonable to believe you will always be able to do your half and expect the same from your partner. Relationships do not work like that. It is a two-way street! 

Both of you have to be willing to work together for the good of the relationship. Apply the 80-20 principle in your relationship, where you not only do your part but go the extra mile to take care of your partner’s well-being. This will, in turn, strengthen the relationship.

It Will Be Easier To Accommodate Your Spouse’s Strengths And Weaknesses 

Another bigger problem with 50-50 relationships is expecting too much from each other. It becomes more of a contract arrangement than an actual relationship. You should be careful as this can really harm your connection with your spouse in the long term. 

You’ll soon find out that applying the 80-20 rule can be beneficial to your marriage. When you expect your spouse to meet her 50% portion, you’re not giving your relationship sufficient room to grow. 

I find it a whole lot easier to deal with the 20% now and reap the full rewards of the 80% forever. In this case, I’m more interested in finding out what my partner’s strengths and weaknesses are. I can then make room for all that she is. This makes your relationship more fulfilling, especially from your spouse’s point of view. 

Focusing On The Bigger Picture

A word to the wise. When you’re married or in a relationship, you cannot afford to take every small issue into account. Having petty tendencies can really damage your connection with your spouse. It’s one of the main reasons you should always rely on the 80-20 rulep. 

Over time, I’ve seen and actually experienced the benefits of focusing on the bigger picture. Don’t get me wrong. It’s good to work out the small issues before they become big ones! However, don’t hang around too long. Let your spouse know this as well. 

Your partner will love you even more if you shrug off small issues and always look ahead. Don’t just focus on finances or building a house in the next few years. Focus on your spouse as the bigger picture. Everything else will fall into place. 

Building A Strong Foundation For Your Relationship

The most important fact behind the 80-20 rule in marriage is the solid base it gives your relationship. If you hope to survive the turbulent nature of relationships, you need a rock-solid foundation. 

What better way to cement your connection with your spouse than establishing strong building blocks! Interestingly, all you need to do that is within the 20%. Starting small and working your way up is a guaranteed way of spotting any cracks and fixing them. 

It Makes It Easier To Find Someone That Completes You

If you’re active in the dating scene, you’ll agree with me that heartaches and heartbreaks are commonplace. But this is not good news. You don’t want to carry bad relationship practices all the way to your marriage. 

While surviving broken relationships is a sure way of making you stronger and wiser, there’s only so much your heart can take. One valuable lesson I got out of all that misery is to always apply the 80-20 principle. 

When you don’t enter a relationship with unrealistic expectations, it’s easier to find your better half. If you do not do that, you will always fail in relationships.

No More Senseless Fights And Arguments 

Relationships are not immune to drama. But you can easily avoid the worst of it by applying the 80-20 rule. 

No More Senseless Fights And Arguments

For example, meeting your partner halfway, as mentioned earlier, will help you to empathize with their situations. You will have a better understanding of where they are coming from. With you and your partner on the same page, it’s hard to start unnecessary fights and arguments. 

Final Thoughts

In summary, the 80-20 rule is the key to a successful marriage or relationship. It is the one concept you can always count on to produce the best results, regardless of how and where you use it. Make it your goal to identify the 20% that you should always prioritize. Hopefully, you have gathered enough tips from this guide to get you started on the right foot. 

All the best!

Saving Your Marriage: How to Choose a Marriage Counselor

Wondering how to save your troubled marriage? Your next step might be finding a marriage counselor. In fact, choosing a marriage counselor might be one of the most important choices a couple makes in the course of their relationship. You might be tempted to rush into the first counselor’s office that you come across – anything to help your failing relationship, right? But it’s vitally important for the future of your marriage that you choose a marriage counselor based on good information.

Here at the Relationship Blackbook, we want you to be as informed as possible when it comes to making this crucial decision. To that end, here are a few tips on how to choose a marriage counselor that is right for you.

First, not all counselors are marriage counselors.

It’s important to know if your therapist is qualified to treat couples. Many therapists and counselors say they do couples counseling, but they weren’t actually trained to work with married couples.

Couples counseling requires a totally different skill set than individual therapy, so make sure you find out if your prospective counselor is certified to work with both you and your spouse at the same time. Not only are couples sessions structured differently, but the dynamic between two people who are at odds with each other is a far cry from working with a singular person. It’s important to know that your counselor has received sufficient training before you ask them to help you stave off divorce.

One way to be sure your therapist has been specifically trained to work with couples is to look for an MFT (Marriage and Family Therapist) certification. Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists have received thorough training and have also completed supervised clinical work to ensure they are qualified to help married couples in need.

However, it’s not critical that your marriage counselor holds an MFT certification. If they have decades of experience working with couples and a high success rate, then it’s safe to assume they are qualified. Also, there are plenty of professional organizations that are devoted to couples therapy. Check to see which organizations your prospective counselor is a member of.

Another way to find a good marriage counselor is to seek recommendations from friends and family. This can be weird and a little awkward if you’ve kept your marriage issues private, but don’t let that stop you from finding out if your friends or family can recommend a therapist that helped them or someone they know.

If all else fails, look online for reviews about the counselor you’re interested in. Online message boards can be a useful resource for recommendations, but it’s important to remember that you can’t believe everything you read.

DO ask around, but DON’T assume that a counselor who was right for someone else is right for you. Finding a possible counselor is just the first step in the process.

After you’ve chosen a potential counselor and booked your first session, you might think your work is done, but it’s not. The question of how to pick a marriage counselor is not answered with research alone.

So, what’s the next step?

Well, now it’s time to ask the right questions. And don’t worry that asking questions is rude or impertinent. Any marriage counselor that’s worth your time will be glad to answer your questions. If he or she avoids answering your questions or acts as if doing so is an imposition, it might be time to move on down your list.

The folks at Goodtherapy.org offer some potential questions you might want to ask your marriage counselor.

Possible questions to ask your counselor:

How long have you been in practice?

You might want to focus your search on counselors who’ve been in practice for decades. However, a newer, less experienced counselor can be just as effective in helping you and your spouse work out your issues. The point is that you know how much experience he or she has before committing.

How do you define success? How will we know we’re making progress?

It’s important that everyone involved – you, your spouse, and your counselor – agrees about what successful marriage counseling will look like for your particular relationship. Knowing what the goal is will help all of you stay on track toward recovering your happy marriage.

How long can we expect to be in therapy?

After meeting with you and your spouse the first or second time, your counselor should be able to tell you how many sessions to expect. That’s standard for marriage counseling. If the counselor does not offer a specific length of treatment, you should find out why he or she has not done so.

How much of your practice is devoted to marriage counseling?

Remember, not all counseling is the same. You need to be sure that your therapist knows what they’re doing when it comes to helping you and your spouse through your rough patch.

What is your background and training?

What kind of license do they hold? Are they a member of any professional organizations devoted to marriage and family counseling?

Do you think divorce is ever an option? Would you ever recommend divorce?

The answer to this question will vary based on the counselor’s various professional experiences, so there’s no definite right or wrong answer. For example, a counselor might tell you that in the case of violence or abuse, when one spouse or the children are not safe in the home and the violent spouse refuses to change or seek the necessary help, then divorce is the only option. As a general rule, however, the purpose of marriage counseling is to save marriages, not see them end. Be sure that you’re comfortable and confident in your counselor’s level of commitment toward you and your spouse’s success.

So, now that you’ve asked all the right questions and feel satisfied with the answers, your search is over, right? Actually, no. There are few more red flags to look for in your sessions. The following is a list of SHOULDs and SHOULDN’Ts to consider the first few times you meet with your counselor.

  • Your counselor SHOULD encourage open and honest communication. He or she should establish their office as a safe zone so that you feel comfortable sharing your most intimate needs and feelings, but they should also call you both out when you’re hiding something or refusing to participate.
  • The counselor SHOULD NOT allow you to continue negative communication patterns during your sessions. He or she should not allow you to talk over one another, interrupt, or argue. You should not be allowed to insult, degrade, or speak angrily to one another.
  • Your counselor SHOULD focus your treatment plan on your present and future. While it’s important to understand the past and how it led you to your current predicament, it should not be the main focus of your therapy. Understand the past, but look forward toward a healthy future.
  • Your counselor SHOULD NOT take sides in a discussion or play favorites. His or her job is not to decide who is right, but to help both of you come into agreement. As tempting as it is to enjoy being validated, it’s equally as irritating to be constantly sided against. Your counselor’s office should be a safe place for both you AND your spouse, regardless of the therapist’s personal opinions.
  • Your counselor SHOULD teach you communication skills, conflict resolution skills, and any other skills and techniques he or she sees that you need in order to help you build a stronger relationship.
  • Your counselor SHOULD NOT hold to gender stereotypes. If he or she assumes that you’re overly emotional because you’re a woman, and that your husband is strong and silent just because he’s a man – or any other gender-based stereotypes – you should call them on it.

The process of finding a good marriage counselor is not quick or easy. You cannot settle for the first one you find, or even the first one you meet with. Make sure you choose a counselor who meets your reasonable expectations, and who fits with your values and budget.

We hope this article has been helpful for those of you wondering how to select a marriage counselor that is right for your relationship. Have you had any experience choosing the right or wrong marriage counselor? Share your insight in the comments.

It’s Not The End: How To Get Your Husband To Love You Again

The feeling is indescribable. Your stomach drops, and it’s suddenly difficult to breathe. Your mind races, thoughts and fears flying everywhere, but nothing makes sense. What just happened?

Your husband said he doesn’t love you anymore.

Or perhaps you’ve simply noticed the signs: he avoids coming home, he’s grown consistently impatient or critical with you, he doesn’t seem satisfied by your life together any longer.

But you’re not ready for your marriage to end. You want to fight for it – to save it – but you don’t know how.

Be assured that there is hope. Your marriage isn’t over yet, not by a long shot, and we want to help you fight for it. That’s why this post offers 5 tips to help you answer the question that might have brought you here: “How to get my husband to love me again?”

Tip #1: Love Yourself First.

Love Yourself First.

That seems counter-intuitive, doesn’t it? If you’re asking the question, “How to make my husband love me,” it seems like now might be the best time to put your husband’s needs and desires before your own – and it is, to a point.

But before you can love your husband in a healthy way, and invite him to love you, you have to first love yourself.

Read these statements aloud:

I am lovable.

I am worthy of respect.

I am valuable.

Are those statements easy to say? Are they easy for you to believe?

If you don’t believe they’re true, chances are you’re allowing other people, your husband included, to treat you as if they aren’t. You might even be unintentionally inviting others to disrespect and disvalue you by disrespecting yourself.

Heavy stuff, right?

But one thing you have to keep in mind, first and foremost, is that you are worthy of your husband’s love and respect.

You are worthy of being treated with love and respect.

If you feel like that’s not true, consider finding a friend or counselor with whom to talk through your feelings about yourself. How you feel about yourself is the foundation for how others feel about you, and that’s true in your marriage more than any other relationship.

Tip #2: Evaluate Your Circumstances..

Prolonged tension can cause serious damage to any relationship. Financial stress, long-term illness, and parenting difficulties – plus a host of other stressful circumstances – all cause strain between even the happiest couples.

Can you identify stress in your life that may have caused your husband to shut down or retreat? Has something happened to distance you from each other?

Understanding the cause of the lack of intimacy between you will help you know what steps to take. For example, “What practical steps can I take to alleviate financial stress in my marriage?” is a lot easier to answer than a panicked, “HOW DO I FIX THIS?!”

Panic is easy, but it doesn’t lead to positive results. That’s why it’s always good to take a step back, carefully evaluate your circumstances, and make calm decisions about how best to proceed.

Tip #3: Invite Attention. Don’t Demand It.

Invite Attention. Don’t Demand It.

Though it’s number three on the list, this might be the most important tip to answer the question, “How do I get my husband to love me again?” In an emotionally fraught situation, it’s always tempting to demand the attention our hearts’ crave, though no one would describe their words and actions as such.

Demanding his attention looks like saying or doing something just to get a reaction from him, badgering or nagging for answers, and a number of other manipulative behaviors.

How can you invite his attention instead?

  • Do something for yourself. Is there something that you want to do that you’ve been putting off? A skill you want to learn? A dream you want to pursue?

Now might not be the time to go from stay-at-home-mom to circus performer, but if there’s something you’ve been wanting to do but have found a million excuses to put it off – do it.

Photography, blogging, painting, jewelry making – the possibilities are endless. Take a class, find a hobby group, or start one with a friend. Do something to pursue an interest of your own.

Too often when a woman gets married, her social circle shrinks as her personal responsibilities grow. It’s easy for us to allow our husbands, children, and careers to become the boundaries of our lives, so that nothing outside of that gets our attention.

But the more we ignore or repress the greater desires of our hearts, the less we feel like a fully-developed character in our own story. We begin to feel – and others begin to see us – like Charlie Brown’s teacher: nameless, faceless, voiceless.

Take what’s unique about you – your dreams, your talents, and abilities – and make your voice heard in the world.

If you want your husband to take interest in you, YOU take an interest in you first.

  • Do something that makes you feel good about you. Get a new haircut. Start working out. Buy a new face cream. Do whatever you can to value yourself.

One caveat: Do NOT do it just so your hubs will notice. It’s important to examine your motives and avoid manipulation. If you’re looking for your husband’s attention, and you’ll be hurt or offended if he doesn’t notice, don’t do it. A huge part of inviting his attention is diverting your attention away from him and onto other things.  

  • Get away. Not forever, not even for a long weekend. But don’t plan your whole life around your husband all the time. Plan a girl’s night out or go on a “friend date” with your bestie.

Again, you’re not doing this to manipulate your husband, but perhaps you’re doing it to manipulate yourself into remembering that you are fun, playful, and a joy to be around. People like you – you like you – and your husband needs to like you, too.

When you get so caught up in your relationship that you neglect yourself, your insecurities will make it difficult to remember why your husband loved you in the beginning.

Inviting attention does NOT mean you put your needs aside and only focus on what he wants from your relationship. However, it does mean temporarily taking the pressure off of him to fulfill those needs.

As mentioned above, you may be overwhelmed with questions and insecurities regarding your relationship, but now is not the time to demand answers for those questions.

Asking a hundred questions will only push him further away. One simple answer to the “how to make my husband love me again” question is this:

Give him the space he needs to process his own feelings.

Chances are that once he’s said the dreaded statement out loud – “I don’t love you anymore” –  he’ll begin to think about how true the words are, if they’re true at all.

The more questions you ask, the more he’ll feel the need to defend his feelings rather than reconsider them.

So, what do you do in the meantime?

Tip #4: Focus Your Questions Inward.

In other words, instead of asking him all the questions, ask yourself.

Questions like:

  • What do I do that pushes my husband away?
  • Do I do or say things that makes him feel unloved or unappreciated?
  • Do I nag? Belittle him? Complain about everything?
Focus Your Questions Inward.

Take an honest look at your actions and try to see them from his perspective.

Sometimes the very idea of doing so will make us feel defensive and angry. How is this my fault? Why am I the one who has to change?

While those feelings are valid, they’re also counterproductive. Anger, blame, and pride will not fix your broken relationship. What will? Love, honesty, and communication.

But what do we do when our husbands aren’t ready for us to be honest with them?

We get honest with ourselves. Ask the tough questions, and give yourself honest answers. Communicate clearly with yourself.

That means not denying the role you played in creating damage in your marriage.

It does NOT mean taking the full responsibility or feeling as though you have to change everything about yourself to win him back.

It DOES mean honestly evaluating your actions and changing the ones that push your husband away.

If you want to invite your husband back into a loving relationship, you have to create a safe place for him to step into. What can you do to create that safe space? That’s a question you’ll need to answer.

Tip #5: Find A Marriage Counselor.

There’s a good possibility that your husband isn’t ready for counseling. He might even have flat out said no to the idea, but that doesn’t mean it’s off the table completely.

Find A Marriage Counselor

According to savethemarriage.com, it’s possible for one person to save a marriage, even when the other partner isn’t interested. A counselor can help you by providing professional – and objective! – insight into the issues in your relationship.

A healthy outside perspective might be just the thing you need to help you important aspects of your relationship that you’re blind to when you’re too close to the situation.

I hope these tips have been helpful as you decide what your next steps are to save your marriage. Remember, it is not too late! You can invite your husband to love you again.

Have some thoughts? Share them in the comments!

Affordable Marriage Counseling: 4 Alternatives that Work

For couples in need of marriage counseling, the prospect of finding and affording a counselor can be a daunting expense. Experts agree, however, that marital counseling is worth it. No matter how high the price, counseling is cheaper than divorce, both in literal and figurative cost.

But what do you do if you truly can’t find affordable marriage counseling? It varies depending on where you live, but marriage counseling costs range from $50 to $250 an hour. Most counselors suggest a 3 to 6-month weekly commitment, so the expense adds up quickly. Since nearly half of the families in America live paycheck to paycheck, and since financial problems are a leading cause of marital stress, there’s a good chance you simply can’t make room in your budget for the counseling you need.

Thankfully, there are inexpensive marriage counseling alternatives.  

#1: Put your marriage first.

This seems like a no-brainer. If you want your marriage to overcome a rough patch and come out better on the other side, you’ll give it your full attention, right?

But imagine your life is a minivan (or an expensive SUV, if you prefer). Is your marriage in the backseat? The far back seat, behind the kids, their sports equipment, your career, and your social obligations?

For most of us, whether we have marital problems or not, the answer is yes. It didn’t start out that way, of course. Most marriages begin with two people fully committed to the health and satisfaction of their relationship.

Then life happens, and the easy things get pushed farther and farther back to make room for things that require dedicated time and attention.

As is true with everything in life, successful marriages don’t just happen. They require work, effort, commitment. If those have been lacking in your relationship for a while, it’s not too late to change it up. Start by making one-on-one time with your spouse a priority.

What would it take to spend some quality time alone with your significant other?

Figure it out, then do it, even at the expense of other activities or priorities. Your marriage is worth the sacrifice.

# 2: Find a good book.

There are so many good books out there that help couples address their relational troubles. Just a quick Amazon search can provide more suggestions than you could read in a lifetime. To save time, Mastersincounseling.com offers a Top 12 List of Books for Troubled Marriages. Here’s a few, followed by their descriptions on Amazon:

The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts, by Gary Chapman

“In the #1 New York Times bestseller The 5 Love Languages, you’ll discover the secret that has transformed millions of relationships worldwide. Whether your relationship is flourishing or failing, Dr. Gary Chapman’s proven approach to showing and receiving love will help you experience deeper and richer levels of intimacy with your partner—starting today.”

Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples, by Harville Hendricks, PhD

“Originally published in 1988, Getting the Love You Want has helped millions of couples attain more loving, supportive, and deeply satisfying relationships. The 20th anniversary edition contains extensive revisions to this groundbreaking book, with a new chapter, new exercises, and a foreword detailing Dr. Hendrix’s updated philosophy for eliminating all negativity from couples’ daily interactions, allowing readers of the 2008 edition to benefit from his ongoing discoveries during his last two decades of work.”

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert, by John M. Gottman, PhD and Nan Silverman.

“John Gottman’s unprecedented study of couples over a period of years has allowed him to observe the habits that can make—and break—a marriage. Here is the culmination of that work: the seven principles that guide couples on a path toward a harmonious and long-lasting relationship. Straightforward yet profound, these principles teach partners new approaches for resolving conflicts, creating new common ground, and achieving greater levels of intimacy.”

Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, by Dr. Sue Johnson

“In Hold me Tight, Dr. Sue Johnson presents Emotionally Focused Therapy to the general public for the first time. Johnson teaches that the way to save and enrich a relationship is to reestablish a safe emotional connection and preserve the attachment bond. With this in mind, she focuses on key moments in a relationship – from Recognizing the Demon Dialogue to Revisiting a Rocky Moment – and uses them as touchpoints for seven healing conversations. Through case studies from her practice, illuminating advice, and practical exercises, couples will learn how to nurture their relationships and ensure a lifetime of love.”

Fight Fair: Winning Conflict Without Losing at Love, by Joy Downs

“When couples fight, tempers flare, tongues loosen, and behavior occurs that can cause major damage to the relationship. Fight Fair! teaches couples how to have healthy disagreements. It is a candid and realistic “rulebook” for married couples to ensure that their conflict is God-honoring and respectful of their partner. There is also plenty of immediate application to ensure that future conflicts don’t create permanent scars.”

#3: Find (or Start!) a Small Group

Every couple benefits by spending time with other couples, especially when those other couples are intentionally building and maintaining a healthy marriage relationship. Hearing what other couples have walked through and how they made it through successfully can be a great source of encouragement to others.

Have you ever wondered if other married people deal with the same issues you do? Have you wondered how other couples manage those issues? Being a part of a small group that fosters healthy marriages can help us see our problems (and solutions) from a new perspective, and give us the boost we need to try something new.

Marriage small groups are popular among church circles, but you don’t have to be a church member to enjoy the benefits of a small group. If you can’t find one in your community, consider starting one of your own. The easiest way to do that is to find a good book to study, invite a few married friends to join you, and be ready to discuss what you read each week.

For practical tips on leading a small group, check out this article from Smallgroups.com.

#4: Online Marriage Counseling

Online marriage counseling is a less-expensive option that is growing in popularity. Couples are finding that doing counseling in the safety and comfort of their own home provides great results. Online marriage counseling offers flexibility, privacy, and affordability, as well as great results.

Services like those offered through Savethemarriage.com offer resources for struggling married couples, including real tools and exercises to help you resolve your marital problems.

Other websites offer trained counselors to meet with you via Skype to help you identify and work through the issues that are causing disruption in your marriage.

Still not convinced? The following video discusses some of the issues you should consider when making the decision about whether or not online marriage counseling is the right choice for you and your spouse:

Affordable marriage counseling is available; it just might not look like you expect. All of these traditional marriage counseling alternatives can help you get your relationship back on track. Do you have other suggestions for how to obtain inexpensive marriage counseling? Let us know in the comments!

Help! How To Save My Marriage from Divorce?

Quick fixes: The internet is full of them. Are you wondering how to save your marriage from divorce? If yes, there’s plenty of advice out there, and a lot of it is worthwhile, but even the good stuff focuses mostly on easy steps you can take to bring about quick results.

However, the issues that brought you and your spouse close to divorce – issues that probably took years to develop – can’t be fixed in a week or two. While quick fixes might provide a good starting point, it’s going to take more than that to restore love, trust, and intimacy in your relationship.

Are you looking for a healthy marriage that lasts? Read on.  

  1. Talk less. Listen more.

Good communication is vital to the survival of any relationship. The problem is that we often equate communication with expressing ourselves, when in reality half of good communication is listening. That’s why step one has to be talk less, and listen more.

Listen to what your spouse has to say about what he or she is thinking or feeling. Also, think back to things your spouse has said in the past. What were they communicating that you didn’t receive at the time?

You and your spouse are always communicating something to one another, either through words or nonverbal actions. Has your spouse been communicating discontent, frustration, or perceived rejection? Has he or she given you reason to believe that they are unhappy because of some behavior of yours?

We often fail to pick up on subtle communication signals from our partners. Sometimes it’s because we simply, sincerely don’t recognize them. Other times we have decided to ignore them intentionally. Either way, our disregard of our spouse’s unhappiness can quickly create issues that can lead to divorce.

Now is the time to re-examine the needs and desires your partner has been communicating to you and begin taking them seriously.

It’s also time to make sure that you have been clearly communicating your needs and desires. Sometimes we expect our spouses to just know how we’re feeling because it’s obvious to us, but it’s not always so obvious to them.

It’s important that you’re both clearly communicating what you want and need in your relationship, because the next step is intended to end all guesswork.

  1. Stop judging your partner’s motives.

The phrase “don’t judge me” has become a popular one over the last few years. As a society we have agreed that to judge someone means to form a negative opinion about their words or actions. And to some degree, that’s true, but only in the simplest form.

In order to form an opinion about your actions, I have to assume I know your intentions. When I assume I know why you did or said what you did, it’s easier for me to feel strongly about it one way or another.

For example, if some guy cuts me off in traffic, I assume he did it because he’s a world-class jerk. Now I’m mad, not because I was momentarily inconvenienced, but because some inconsiderate asshat thinks the rules don’t apply to him.

Suddenly an incident that was over in two seconds has the power to bother me for the rest of my drive – and possibly longer, depending on how strong my anger is against inconsiderate asshats.

Now imagine the same scenario in your marriage. Your husband works late for several nights in a row, or your wife has rebuffed your sexual advances a few times this week. What’s your response?

You, me, all of us are going to respond the same way: We’ll judge their motives. We decide why they’ve done it, and inevitably that why will revolve around us in some way.

He doesn’t come home on time because he doesn’t want to spend time with his family.

She refuses sex because I’m not enough for her.

Such judgements are not a conscious choice. Our brains are wired to try to understand the things that happen to us (Side note: They’re also unfortunately wired to assume that everything is happening to us, when it’s far more likely that it’s just happening around us). We make judgements about what our spouses and other people do because it’s easier and far more satisfying than admitting “I don’t know.”

“I don’t know why he’s coming home late.”

“I don’t know why she seems to have lost interest in sex.”

But do you see how much better “I don’t know” is for a marriage? “I don’t know” is uncomfortable, but it will inevitably lead you to find out the truth because you really do need to understand. “I don’t know” leads to communication.

“Babe, I’ve noticed that you’ve been working late a lot this week. Is something going on at work?”

“Sweetheart, I noticed that you haven’t wanted to make love lately. Is there something going on that you want to talk about?”

Judgement, on the other hand, leads to anger and perceived rejection. And since we tend to make judgements about other people based on our own insecurities, our anger and feelings of rejection are often way out of proportion to the actual event.

What happens then? We begin responding to our spouses as though they really do feel the way we’ve decided they feel, and chances are they don’t. Now, they don’t understand the true reason for our anger, and they form judgements of their own – and then respond out of those judgements, and the cycle continues.

So, what can you do to end the cycle of judgement in your marriage?

First, get honest with yourself about what you know and can’t know. When you immediately imagine all sorts of nefarious motives for your spouse’s actions, stop and ask yourself, “Is it really possible for me to know what’s going on their head?” Training yourself to recognize when you’ve made a judgement is a vital step.

It’s also a difficult one, so don’t be surprised if it takes a while. You’re literally changing your brain to think in a whole new way, and that’s not a quick process.

Second, acknowledge your own whys. Ask yourself, “Why did I make that particular judgement? What insecurity did his/her actions tap into?” You’ll be surprised to find how much you grow emotionally just by acknowledging your insecurities rather than avoiding and denying them.

Finally, open lines of communication with your spouse. Seek answers to your questions about why they did or said what they did.

Don’t badger or nag, though. Remember that your spouse is even newer to healthy communication and honest introspection than you are. It might take them a while to catch on, and that’s okay. It’s possible that your spouse isn’t even fully aware of their “why,” so be patient with them while they figure it out.  

Now for the final step in saving your marriage from divorce.

  1. Confront your own emotional health.

When trying to figure out how to save your marriage from divorce, it would be natural to look for things to change in your actions because that seems most likely to lead to immediate results. Stop doing this, start doing that – boom. Measurable success.

And you know what? That’s not wrong.

But saving your marriage from divorce is a long-term project. You can change your actions for a week or a month, but what about a year from now? What about when the immediate danger is passed, and you begin to grow complacent again?

How easy it is to slip back into the same old patterns of behavior. How easy it is to ruin months or even years of progress toward a healthy marriage by taking up those patterns again?

For example, do you use anger or sex to manipulate your spouse? Do you belittle their needs or blame them for your actions?

If you want to save your marriage, you’ll stop doing those things, period. But if you don’t address the subconscious needs that drive your behavior, your change will only be short term. You will eventually begin doing them again, because “quitting” is like mowing the weeds down.

They always grow back, unless you pull them up at the root.

I’ll be honest, this is not an easy step. Confronting our emotional issues requires determination, commitment, and vulnerability. That last one is something most of us spend our lives actively avoiding.

However, at some point we have to ask ourselves, Is my marriage worth it?

Are my children worth it?

Am I worth it?

Is your emotional comfort worth losing your marriage? Or is your marriage worth your vulnerability?

So, when you decide to do the hard work of growing emotionally in order to save your marriage, how do you go about it?

First, remember step one: listen to your spouse. Listen to their needs and desires.

Second, be honest with yourself about why you aren’t meeting those needs. What are you doing or not doing that is causing unrest for your spouse? Why are you doing/not doing it?

The answer to this might be as easy as laziness or selfishness (←guilty!). You could simply recognize your tendency toward either of these flaws, offer a heartfelt apology, and acknowledge that your spouse’s happiness is worth your effort.

Or this question might take you all the way back to some childhood trauma that you’re still trying to protect yourself from. If that’s the case, the third step is to seek help. Find a counselor, talk to a pastor, or even find a trusted friend or mentor who has had a similar experience.

Finally, communicate with your spouse. Tell them what you’re walking through. Don’t make the mistake of hiding your personal growth from them. Depending on the nature of your marital issues, this can be the most difficult step of all. If you’ve spent years doing (or not doing) the things your spouse needs, they might respond with anger that it’s taken you so long to change.

Don’t let that deter you, however. Being open and vulnerable with your spouse is an important step toward restoring intimacy in your relationship.

If you give yourself the time to really master these steps, you’ll be well on your way to lifetime of happy marriage. Good luck! Have questions or thoughts to share? Let us know in the comments!

How to Prevent Divorce

We’re all familiar with the statistics: Nearly 50% of marriages end in divorce. So, whether you’re newly married or you’ve been with your spouse for half your life, whether you’re happily married or you’re beginning to struggle, even if you’ve been struggling for years – if you want your marriage to survive and thrive, the question of how to prevent divorce is one that needs to be answered to avoid joining the wrong 50%.

To that end, we’ve compiled a list of 10 tips to help you prevent your marriage ending in divorce. Some of them will seem pretty obvious (and for that reason, they’re too often overlooked), while others will not. Together they will set you and your spouse up for a strong and happy marriage.

  1. Make time for each other every day.

It seems like this should be a given in every marriage, but the truth is, time spent with your spouse probably diminished pretty quickly after the honeymoon. Between work, kids, and everything else, it’s hard for even two people who live in the same house to spend quality time together every day.

However, quality time spent together is vital to the health of any relationship. Spending time together fosters a sense of unity and teamwork – keys to a happy marriage. And it doesn’t take much. Even 15-20 minutes a day of quality time is enough to keep a marriage strong.

Not sure how to make that happen? You could try:

  • Turning off the TV (and putting your phones away!) 20 minutes before bed to spend that time talking about your day.
  • Setting your alarms to go off a few minutes early so you can have coffee with each other every morning.
  • Instituting “couch time”: Teach your kids that the first 15-20 minutes after you both get home from work or after dinner is set aside for you and your spouse to sit on the couch and connect. Your kids can learn to respect that time without interrupting, and they’ll even come to love seeing it happen. Don’t be surprised if they remind you to do it if/when you forget.

The main thing is this: If dedicating 20 minutes a day to connecting with your spouse can prevent divorce, then it’s worth it. Resolve together to make whatever sacrifices are necessary to see it happen.

  1. Love your spouse the way he/she needs to be loved.

By this point, most of us are familiar with the concept of love languages as outlined in the book, The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. (If you’re not, I highly recommend you look into it!) We know that we all feel loved in different ways. Maybe you feel the most loved when your spouse speaks words of affirmation and appreciation to you. Maybe you feel the most loved when you receive a thoughtful gift, or when your spouse takes the time and effort to do something for you.

How you receive love is your language. It is also most likely how you naturally show love. If you thrive on acts of service, you probably serve your spouse easily. If you need words of affirmation, you probably speak them often. The problem comes when we show love in a different manner than our spouse receives it.

Perhaps you’re a gifts girl and your husband is an acts of service guy. Maybe you’re a physical-touch husband with a quality-time wife. It’s important to know and understand your spouse’s love language, and then show them love in that language. Don’t assume that your spouse feels loved from the same things that make you feel loved.

Figure out what makes them feel loved and then do those things.

Even if it feels awkward and uncomfortable.

Even if it doesn’t come naturally.

Even if it makes you feel silly.

You’ll find that loving your spouse in his or her language will become more and more natural over time.

  1. Stay faithful to each other.

This probably seems like a no-brainer, huh? But infidelity is sneakier than you might think. It’s important to intentionally honor your vows of faithfulness, rather than simply assuming as affair is not something you would do.

An affair begins long before two people are physically (or even emotionally) intimate, so the work of avoiding it begins long before an obvious issue arises. In order to prevent an affair, you must:

  • Be honest with yourself about how you feel.

Is there someone you’re attracted to outside of your marriage? Someone you look forward to seeing at work or elsewhere? Someone who’s attention you seek out?

Denial of those feelings is the first step toward an affair.

  • Communicate your needs and feelings to your spouse.

Are you feeling overlooked? Underappreciated? Those kinds of feelings make you vulnerable to the attention of someone outside of your marriage. Communicate your needs and feelings to your spouse so that the issue can be addressed.

  • Intentionally seek ways to fill your spouse’s needs.

When our relational attention is focused on our spouse, we aren’t looking to spend it elsewhere.

  1. Do something together.

Find a hobby or activity that you and your spouse enjoy doing together. Do you both want to get in better shape? Try jogging or hiking together. For the less active, even Netflix can be a “together” activity when you find a show you both love that you only watch when you’re together.

Having a hobby or activity that you do together will naturally create time together bonding over something you enjoy.

  1. Do something for yourself.

Wait, what? Didn’t I just suggest you find something to do together? Why am I now suggesting you do something for yourself?

The truth is, our whole lives cannot and should not revolve solely around another person, even when that person is our spouse. It’s important for your emotional well-being that you pursue things that interest you.

Even if it’s inconvenient.

Even when your spouse can’t relate.

Find an activity or hobby that you love, and pursue it.

  1. Give them space to do things on their own.

It’s a mark of maturity to encourage those we love to find fulfillment outside of ourselves. If your spouse does not already have a hobby they enjoy, encourage them to find one – even when their hobby is inconvenient or you can’t relate to it.

  1. Own your mistakes.

The biggest mistake any of us can make in a relationship is to shift blame. Doing so undermines the other person’s trust in us. Since healthy relationships are built on trust and mutual respect, blame shifting will lead to slow cracks in your foundation that you might not notice in time to fix.

To own your mistakes means that when your spouse says, “You did this, and it hurt me,” you admit that yes, you did it. Now is not the time to argue your intentions, or explain that you did B because he/she did C, so the whole thing is their fault anyway.

Simply admit that you did it, and sincerely apologize. Doing so will diffuse any argument that might have been brewing, and will give you the opportunity – at an appropriate time – to talk more about what happened and why. Trying to do that while your spouse is still in the midst of hurt or anger will only lead to more hurt and anger.

  1. Honor and respect your spouse.

This one is simple: Don’t make jokes at your spouse’s expense, whether they’re around or not. Don’t laugh at them, make fun of them, or use sarcasm to make them feel small or stupid.

Just don’t.

A lot of people argue that this is just how they are, that they’re just joking, and that their spouse shouldn’t be so sensitive.

If this is you, stop it.

Your spouse’s emotional well-being should be your first priority. Getting a laugh from others or, worse, showing yourself superior, should not even be on your priority list.

  1. Manage your money together.

One of the leading causes of divorce is financial stress. One sure way to prevent divorce is to learn together how to manage your money, follow a budget, and make financial decisions. You both came into your marriage with experiences and preferences, but once you’re married it is time to work out a new plan that works for both of you.

  1. Communicate.

This is perhaps the most important factor in a healthy marriage. You have to communicate. Talk to each other about your feelings, about your issues, about everything. Don’t be afraid to have the hard conversations about money, sex, or anything else. Failure to communicate – or waiting too long to communicate – is a major reason for divorce.

So, don’t wait until you’re so angry you’re ready to blow before you bring up an issue that needs to be addressed. Don’t wait until you’re ready to look outside your marriage for sexual satisfaction (or worse, after you already have) to talk to your spouse about your sex life. Communicate about the hard things immediately, before it’s too late.