Robyn Lee

“No, I have to go home. My husband is waiting for me.”

When my friend said this at a friendly get-together, I was amazed. She had a slightly fearful look in her eyes, and I wondered why she was concerned with what her husband might think if she got home a little later. After all, it wasn’t even late yet. Why was she letting her husband control her, and why wasn’t she standing up to her controlling husband?

Perhaps you are in the same boat. Your husband tells you how to cook, what to wear, when to watch TV (and what to watch), and still tells you that you have bad taste when you don’t instantly acquiesce to his controlling commands. 

It is so easy to become run-down by a partner who constantly treats you like a child or takes command of your life.

You are not a puppy, and “sit,” “stand,” and “stay” (or their human equivalents) are not words that one partner should ever use with their spouse. This is a severe form of mental and emotional abuse.

This got me thinking about ways of how to deal with a controlling husband. Is there a sure-fire way to ensure your spouse respects you enough to trust you? My own partner trusts me enough to be responsible and he never demands control over my actions and activities, so why do some men become controlling?

I looked for ways to discover a path through controlling behavior to personal freedom. This is what I found: You need to know why your husband is controlling, how he is controlling you, and find ways to break the pattern of controlling behavior. Only then will you be in a relationship that is based on mutual respect.

Why Is Your Husband Controlling?

If you are picturing a grumpy gnome of a man who is the controlling husband, you are quite mistaken. All people can become controlling partners. Whether the husband or wife, controlling your partner is about dominance. And anyone can do it.

Some forms of control are obvious, others are insidious, and still more are as blunt as a fist to the face. Whenever you are being denied the full and unapologetic right to self-agency, you are being controlled. It is about making the controller feel empowered. But why do they control other people? Surely there are better things to do with their time and energy?

In worst-case scenarios, the controlling partner may be a narcissist who uses gaslighting to dominate their partner. A husband who makes his wife doubt her own abilities and rational thinking mind is a gaslighter. In some cases, the wife may end up feeling like she’s the bad guy and that she is the one to blame even though she is the victim.

Mostly, controlling husbands have suffered a form of abuse or trauma themselves in their early life, and controlling their wives is the only way in which they feel they are overcoming or succeeding in life. Control equates to power for them.

Being controlling can also be a form of reprisal by your husband who may be suffering under the dominance of someone else in their life, such as a dominating boss. In a knee-jerk reaction, your husband may be controlling over you as this is the only place he can feel like he’s the boss. It is in your power to help him change and save your marriage. 

Husbands who suffer low self-esteem will often turn their frustrations against their spouses, and they will use the traditional set-up of the marriage (with the man as the head of the household) as an environment where they can bully their wife so they will feel empowered. 

Other reasons why a man may try to control his wife include:

• The man is trying to deal with his anxieties
• He has learned to be this controlling from his own father
• To get what he wants
• He is emotionally immature and doesn’t know how to be real

Why Having A Controlling Spouse Is Not Acceptable

Being controlled by your partner is not acceptable since this reduces you to someone who can’t trust their own thinking, actions, and feelings. You become a plaything that isn’t respected. The result of this manipulative behavior is fear, insecurity, and a low self-esteem. 

When you are in a relationship with a controlling husband, you will begin to resent him. 

This leads to the relationship no longer being between equals. It takes on a parent-child dynamic, which is an unhealthy way to be in a marriage or any other relationship. At some point, the “child” will rebel, and it can ultimately lead to divorce. If the manipulation escalates, it can also become physical coercion, which can lead to physical abuse.

Putting it shortly: Being in a manipulative relationship isn’t healthy.

Controlling Husband 101

So how do you know your husband is controlling? Often the behavior is so subtle or covert you really may not realize you are being controlled. It begins in a mild form before escalating into manipulation and control. 

This is a bit like heating up a pot of water with a frog in it. Since the temperature increases gradually, the frog won’t jump out. Eventually the frog boils. 

Are you boiling in your marriage and don’t even know it? Look out for these signs.

Sign One: He Constantly Criticizes You

You feel each day as if there is nothing you can do right, and you end up wondering how he wants things done instead of thinking how you would want them done.

Sign Two: Your Interactions Are Either Threats, Silent Treatment, Or Jealousy

Your husband may manipulate and control you by alternating between the silent treatment and open threats. This keeps you off-balance and emotionally vulnerable. A jealous husband is almost always a controlling one.

Sign Three: He Twists The Truth To Make You Feel Negative

A husband who makes his wife feel like she’s the reason for shame is controlling her emotions and actions. 

Sign Four: He Confuses You By Placing Words In Your Mouth

A way in which your husband may manipulate and control you is to insist you said something you didn’t. When you feel the fool, he uses this power over you to make him seem like the responsible partner.

Sign Five: He Withholds Things

A controlling husband maintains power over his wife by denying her things that she needs to be happy or successful. He will use his support as a bargaining chip. If she wants to attend night school, he will tell her she needs to help the kids with homework as he can’t. When she needs something, he refuses to give it.

Sign Six: He Isolates You

This is a big sign of control. When a man keeps his wife cut off from her friends, family, and coworkers, he is controlling her ability to interact socially and receive outside support. Often, this is a sign of a narcissist hard at work.

Six Steps: How To Deal With A Controlling Husband

Finding ways of how to stop a controlling husband can be a challenge. These are some essential steps to help free you. You can learn how to stand up to your controlling husband.

Step One: Get Support

Being controlled means you will doubt every thought in your head and each action you plan on taking. To counter the controlling husband’s influence, you need the help of genuine friends. Reach out and get support. 

If you have no friends, family members, or colleagues you can turn to, you can reach out to support organizations that are there to help you through the difficult process of finding yourself and ditching the bonds of control. 

Step Two: Talk To Him

When you have the support you need, you will slowly scratch together the confidence to talk to your controlling husband. Be sure to do so in a safe space. You can have your support group nearby or even use them to mediate the situation. 

Remember that nobody likes being confronted with an ugly truth, and your husband probably doesn’t even know he is doing something wrong. In his mind, you are simply in need of his guidance. So rephrase statements like “You make me feel…” with “I feel that…”

Speak clearly and try to remain calm as you tell your husband that what he does is not appropriate for your relationship. Expect resistance. Stick to your guns, and tell him how you feel. Don’t try to get through to him by saying that you are upset with him or that he did XYZ. The blame game doesn’t work.

Step Three: Carve Out Space

Your next step is to create some space for yourself where you can heal and where you can learn how to work on your marriage. The setting of boundaries will help your husband learn what is acceptable and what isn’t. It is also how you take back the power he has taken from you. 

You may think of these boundaries like relationship rules, and you might consider these:

• He needs to listen to you
• You get to make up your own mind and make decisions
• There will be “please” and “thank you” in the relationship
• You decide to support each other and respect what matters to each other
• You get to decide when you need to step out of a situation that is oppressing you

Step Four: Reclaim Your Power

Once you have set some boundaries and spoken to him about the way you feel, it is up to you to reclaim your power. Chances are that your controlling husband has been isolating and weakening you. 

Start by taking back your power in small ways. If he wants to have takeout burgers on Saturday evenings, then surprise him by cooking a delicious meal instead of getting takeaways. Whatever you want to do, go for it.

Step Five: Rise Above His Mind Tricks

When you start to stand up to your husband, you will begin to see real change. Learning how to stand up to a controlling husband is not easy, and you may take a few steps backwards for each step forwards. 

Take back your power. If he demands you do something, oppose him. Should he be inclined to withhold money from you, then you can work on achieving your own independence financially.  

Step Six: Decide Whether You Will Stay Or Leave

Ultimately, you need to ask yourself whether there is a chance that your controlling husband can change or if he will always try to dominate you. If he wants to change, then you can work on the relationship together, and it may end up bringing you both closer together. 

However, if he can’t let you be free and equal to him, then you need to consider whether the cost of this marriage will be more than you can pay. Is your marriage worth your freedom and independence? 

FAQs For How To Deal With A Controlling Husband

How do you know you are married to a controlling husband?

A controlling husband will try to dominate you by removing your decision-making opportunities. He will isolate you from your friends and family to ensure you have no support against his dominating ways. Your ability to make financial, emotional, mental, and physical decisions will be affected as he takes over your life.

He will make snide and cutting remarks to tear down your self-esteem, but you will be too weakened and alone to stand up for yourself. This further places you under his control.

What are some of the signs that you are married to a controlling husband?

• There will be constant criticism from him
• Despite him being the aggressor, you will feel guilty
• Even when he does something nice for you, he will do it in such a way that you will feel guilty or bad
• He engages in narcissistic behavior that includes gaslighting you
• He is involved in every aspect of your life and tells you what to do the whole time
• There is constant jealousy from him, and you fear his temper
• You feel as if he only loves you on certain conditions such as being skinny, rich, or obedient to him
• You feel as if he is constantly watching you
• When you talk to him, it feels as if he doesn’t listen

How to deal with a controlling spouse?

There are many ways to deal with a controlling husband, but it starts with you finding support. The main weapon a controller will use is to isolate you so there is no support system for you, which leaves you vulnerable to their manipulations. 

When you have reached out to people who can support you, the next steps are:

• Talk to your husband about his controlling habits
• Keep your cool as he will try to convince you that the problem lies with you
• Decide where he controls you the most and set boundaries to manage those areas
• Take charge of your life and become more independent
• Encourage him to find help for his controlling ways
• Set weekly check-ins to help you remain on track with your journey out of his control
• Take back power over your life with activities that make you feel good
• Decide whether there is improvement or if you need to consider leaving

Why is my husband being so controlling?

Husbands can become controlling over their wives for many reasons. They may have a weak self-esteem and rely on dominating their wife to make them feel good. There may have been abuse in their own childhood, which has led them to believe in dominating their spouse as a way to make them feel secure. He may be afraid of being alone, so he takes away his partner’s power to prevent her from leaving him.

He might be a narcissist who gets off on the power he has over her. This might be learned behavior he saw with one of his parents who was dominating over the other. Even mothers can be dominating over their children, who will then turn into either dominating or subservient partners later in life.

Why is it so bad to be with a dominating partner?

When you are in a relationship with a dominating partner, you are giving your power to them. The result is that your relationship dynamic changes from equal partners to something that’s more like a parent-child relationship. This is unhealthy as you will resent them, and they will love you conditionally. 

At the end of the day, you will have a low self-esteem and feel disempowered to live your life. Make no mistake, being in a dominating or controlling relationship is a form of abuse.

The Final Word

You may be used to your controlling husband having the last word on everything. He probably expects to be obeyed in everything and that his word will be your instruction for living. It’s time to break free.

Let go of any belief that you somehow deserve to be dominated or that he’s doing it for your own good. He isn’t, and you deserve freedom. If he really loves you, he will give you the freedom and unconditional support to be yourself. 

Have you been in a dominating relationship with a controlling husband? Please share your experiences in our social feed.

There is nothing as terrifying and doubt-filling as casually browsing your husband’s phone only to discover your husband gets text messages or emails from dating sites and services. The horror of seeing messages inviting him to trysts and meet-ups is any wife’s worst nightmare. 

What does this mean? 

Is he being unfaithful to you, and should you confront him about it? What should you believe, and what could he say that would possibly set your mind at ease? How do you know he’s telling the truth about why he gets texts from dating sites?

This is truly a prickly pear to grapple with, and it can potentially mean the end of your relationship and divorce if it isn’t dealt with coolly and calmly. Here’s what to know and what to do.

Why Does My Husband Get Texts From Dating Sites? Three Possible Reasons Why

In the world of digital connectivity, it is so easy to get sucked into different online services. While your husband may become defensive should you confront him about the text messages or emails from dating sites you found on his phone, there are valid reasons why he might have received these. 

There is also the possibility that he has been playing you and using these services behind your back.

Spam Text Messages From Dating Sites 

The easiest excuse and also a viable reason he may be getting text messages or emails from dating sites is that his information has been legally sold to those sites by a third party. 

This often happens when a service provider such as your mobile phone or internet connection has sold your contact information as a mailing list to a central hub. From there, this information can easily be appropriated by sites such as dating sites, e-merchants, blogs, etc. Once the information is out there, it is really hard to tell where it may end up or where the information originated from. 

Just think of all the times you have received a promotional text message from a service you haven’t subscribed to or asked for information from. I know I get messages from the strangest sites and services, from funeral policies, life insurance, and gaming sites to local pet sitting services. How do these end up on my phone? These companies have purchased your information from a service you do subscribe to such as text notification for deals at your local supermarket. (Remember that little box at the bottom of the form in the T&Cs that you didn’t read? Yep, they sold your contact details!)

This means your husband has NOT been on dating sites, and he hasn’t requested that they text or email him. He is not cheating on you, and he really is innocent of the accusation of infidelity.

Phew!

What a relief, right? Well, somewhat. While he may not be guilty of cheating, you have to wonder why you suspected him so quickly. Are there other signs that may be warning you about infidelity? Or are you feeling insecure? If that’s the case, you need to work on your own self-esteem so you won’t suspect him of things based on your own lack of self-belief.  

His Information Got Leaked 

As we all know, hacking is rife. Companies have digital leaks all the time. While you saved your details to an online platform you use such as Netflix or Amazon Prime, a clever hacker leached off the contact lists from there. They don’t do this just for fun. Hackers want to make money, and they illegally sell these lists to “spam” sites such as dating sites, S&M sites, and other questionable sites.  

This may be one way in which your husband’s details ended up with the dating service, and this is why they are sending him text messages and emails. They are marketing their services to him, hoping he will respond. It doesn’t mean he has responded or used the services. 

Again, if you have begun suspecting him, you need to clean house and look after your relationship. Why did you suspect him in the first place, and why was it so hard to ask him about the messages? If there’s smoke, there may be fire (even if that fire is a tiny little candle). Get to the bottom of things to make your relationship sound and healthy again. 

He Is A Registered Site User 

Okay, your worst fears are confirmed and your husband is a user of this site. He is receiving text messages and email promotions since he has used their services and is going on dates. He is being unfaithful to you. 

The question is when he used their services. Chances are that he may have been a site user before you even met. Sites often dig up their old user lists and send out messages to try and get clients to return. Just because he did it before you were married doesn’t mean he is using that service right now. 

The ultimate challenge is finding out if your husband is unfaithful to you and actively using these dating sites. What can you do then?

He Isn’t Unfaithful, What Now? 

Okay, congratulations, your husband hasn’t strayed, and he isn’t planning on doing so. But you still suspected him or were sure he had cheated on you. Why? What made you doubt your vows and his? 

When you asked the question, “Why does my husband get emails from dating sites?” your first instinct wasn’t to laugh and cheerfully ask him what was up. Instead, your instinct was to look up PI services to follow him and check up on him. 

Let’s look at what may have caused you to doubt him and how to fix it:

You Have A Low Self-Esteem 

Many of us struggle with self-esteem issues. We aren’t exactly born with a great sense of who we are or what we’re worth. Our relationship is a place where we need to feel secure about who we are and how much we matter to our spouse. 

Yet we had a whole life before our relationship, and we may have suffered some self-esteem knocks in that time. This can cause us to nurse wounds to our selfhood, and we are constantly on the defense. 

We are waiting for life to prove our negative self-talk, right? Yep, you know what I mean. When you read those text messages from the dating site, your first thought was, “Oh, no, he’s finally decided I’m not good enough and he’s grazing elsewhere.”

How To Fix Your Low Self-Esteem

Your self-esteem is about you. While he may have ended up triggering self-doubt with these messages on his phone, you are the one with the issue, and you can fix it. Here’s how:

• Identify situations where you feel your low self-esteem manifest
• Develop self-awareness and take charge of your self-beliefs and your thoughts
• When you find a negative self-belief, challenge it and find the truth
• Discover where your negative thinking comes from and consciously choose not to believe this
• Adjust your thinking patterns and choose to think healthily and logically, discarding emotion-driven thinking that feeds into your low self-esteem
• Fill yourself with positivity by reading helpful books, surrounding yourself with positive and encouraging people, and using affirmations
• Discover your power by trying new hobbies, sports, or exercising

You Found It Difficult To Talk To Him About It 

Whenever a challenge to a relationship arises (such as finding spam text messages from dating sites on his phone), you need to be able to communicate with your partner and talk about it. Whether you are talking on your first date or talking later in your marriage, communication is important for couples.

The worst thing you could do in this situation is ignore the message and not talk to him but secretly worry about it anyway. This will cause resentment, and worst of all, he won’t have any idea what it is about. When there’s a relationship challenge, you need to talk to your partner. 

Work on your communication skills. It’s never easy to talk about something you think may end up causing a bigger problem in your relationship. The biggest problem is not communicating though. Try these tips for better communication and to help save your marriage:

• Stay calm and don’t get emotional as you don’t know what has happened, and you want to give him the chance to explain without him feeling like you are attacking him
• Breathe: You are going to be stressed, so take the time to breathe and listen to his answers
• Let him speak and don’t put words in his mouth; he has the right to explain himself, and you should realize that it may be uncomfortable for him to explain this embarrassing situation too
• Explain how this made you feel and why you were worried; don’t let this become an accusation, but talk about your feelings (you will feel better for it, and your husband will appreciate that he can help you deal with these feelings)
• Spend more time together since you and your husband have just faced a relationship challenge and you need to spend time together to affirm bonds and draw closer

He Is Unfaithful, Now What? 

Okay, worst-case scenario: You catch him with his hand in the cookie jar. Now what? Your husband has been visiting dating sites, and he has been receiving text messages and emails from these sites. Do you up and leave, or is there something you can do about this?

If your husband gets emails from dating sites, the chances are that he has been browsing online but hasn’t gone on any dates or contacted any of the ladies on these sites. He may be tempted, but he might also have used the sites more intensively by going on dates or meeting up with ladies from these dating sites. 

Perhaps he has not gone on any dates, and you may want to know why he would browse these sites. Is he unsatisfied in your relationship, and is this something he can discuss with you so you can communicate better and work on your relationship?

Whether He Has Gone On Dates Or Not

You need to communicate with each other. Make sure to approach the subject calmly, but be assertive. Let him know that this has broken your trust and you are unhappy with this. You may want to ask him why he did this. You are certainly entitled to know, but also keep in mind that people become defensive when attacked, and he may blame you. This is unproductive.

Having discussed that this was not just spam text messages from dating sites, you will have to decide whether this means your relationship is finished or whether both of you can work on your marriage. If he is disillusioned and bored, you can try to win him back. 

It would also be a good idea to get some relationship counseling to see where the gaps in your relationship are so you can both work on it. No relationship is perfect, and it’s best to work at things and not just tuck tail and run. 

FAQs For Why Does My Husband Get Texts From Dating Sites 

Is there a way to see if my husband has been on a dating site?

You can check the browsing history of his PC, and you can also check his email trash bin to see if there are any activation or promotional emails from dating sites there. If he has been on a dating site, you can check the extent of his activities by entering the site from his browser. 

Chances are he has saved his password on the PC and you will be able to access his profile. This will help you determine if this was just a passing interest or if he is actually looking for hookups. 

My husband is getting constant spam texts from dating sites. Does this mean he is using these services? 

If he is constantly receiving these messages (and especially if these messages are personalized), you can be pretty sure he has indeed become an active user of these sites. While this doesn’t mean he has gone on any dates and he may be playing fantasy dating league in his head, it does show where his mind is at. 

Dating sites send non-personalized messages to new or unregistered potential users. So if they have personal information about him, it may mean he has a profile with them. 

If my husband has been using a dating site, does this mean he is cheating on me?

Yes, he has. While there may have been no actual in-person contact between him and one of the ladies of the site, it does show you where his head is at. He is contemplating cheating on you or at least being with another woman. 

After all, cheating starts in the mind, and you wouldn’t want your husband to watch pornography, so why would you want him e-dating a woman while he is married to you? And no, it isn’t just looking at the menu and eating at home. He is dabbling with temptation, and how do you know where or if it will stop? 

If my husband has been receiving strange text messages, how do I know if he is cheating on me?

You may wonder about text messages that seem to not make sense. Your husband’s behavior will give you a better indication of whether he has been cheating on you. Is he:

• No longer seeking intimacy with you
• Taking his phone everywhere with him
• Insisting that you are unfaithful to him
• Suddenly grooming himself better and seeming happier in himself
• Avoiding your questions by deflection or using one-word answers
• Spending more money that you can’t see in terms of purchases
• Suddenly interested in new and different things that don’t include you
• Working out more and seemingly distracted at home 
• Frequently late from work or working late

A Final Text

So you have found messages or emails, and you wonder what they mean. You may ask “Why does my husband get texts from dating sites?” There is no valid reason for it beyond a technical glitch. 

If your husband is avoidant about questions regarding these texts or emails, then you have legitimate cause for concern. There may be things going on in your relationship you were not previously aware of. You have two options now: leave or fix things. 

Be sure to find out which of these options will make you happy. This isn’t about quitting, and it isn’t about “not giving up” either. It is about deciding whether you will be able to trust him again if you do manage to save your relationship. At the end of the day, you need to be confident enough in your marriage to trust him when he receives a strange message and says that he doesn’t know anything about it. 

Did you save your marriage after finding messages from dating sites on your husband’s phone? Or what did you do? Please share what you did in our social feed.

What is a transactional marriage? Is this a new thing? Is it even sustainable? Whatever questions you have about this kind of arrangement, this is your chance to clear your doubts. Here’s a question to start you off.

What do you think holds a marriage together? Like most people, you are probably thinking it is love. Well, you may be right. In a transformational marriage, love is the glue that holds the union. Partners have no issue with sacrificing individual needs for the sake of their union. 

But can the same be said of a transactional union, and why would someone agree to such a relationship? 

Full disclosure: Every relationship is transactional at some level. Think about it, if you weren’t getting anything from your marriage, would you really stick around? Wouldn’t you be better off striking out on your own? 

Now, this is an uncomfortable question, but this blog will shed some light on this divisive topic. Read on to find out everything you need to know about transactional relationships, from what they are and when they started to the benefits and drawbacks.

Transactional Marriage Meaning

No romance without finance! This line from Gwen Guthrie’s controversial 80s hit song sums up transactional relationships. 

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not always about money. But finances play a big part in transactional unions. After all, everyone wants to feel secure.

On paper, a person with a fat bank account is immune to the unpleasant surprises that modern life dishes out. 

Back to the topic at hand. The best way to describe a transactional relationship is by thinking of it as a business deal. Here’s an example to drive the point home.

Despite what companies such as Apple and Amazon advertise, they are solely motivated by profit. If you can’t afford their services and products, then you most definitely matter less to them.  

It’s no different with you as a customer. Brand loyalty is a concept for the birds. If a competing company offered you better products for cheaper prices, you’d switch your allegiance without blinking. It’s a cold reality, but this is how transactions work. Quid pro quo!

Apply this concept to relationships, and you have an elaborate transactional marriage meaning. 

Background

Romantics find this idea sacrilegious. But you need to understand that transactional marriages are not a modern invention. In fact, they were common before romance was a thing. 

Turn the clock back to the 1800s. You will be hard-pressed to find a couple getting married simply because they loved each other.  Instead, race, background, financial status, and social standing were the determining factors for marriage. 

The result was that nobles stuck with nobles, traders married from the merchant class, and the peasants were left to their own devices.  

To further drive this point home, take the protagonists from the famous romantic play Romeo and Juliet. They might not have been nobles, but they were definitely not broke. Shakespeare didn’t write Romeo as a farmer’s son in love with Juliet. 

While this would have made for an interesting story, the idea was laughable back then. 

So transactional unions have no doubt stood the test of time. With both partners clearly understanding their roles in the union, the chances of conflict are very low. 

Transactional Marriages In The 21st Century

How does this play out in a modern setting, and what are the motivating factors?

While transformational marriages are defined by generosity, transactional ones are driven by self-interest. So the question then becomes, what do I have to gain from such a marriage? 

In the current economic and social environment, security and convenience are motivating factors for most transactional relationships. If we are being honest, the “good old days” are long gone. 

The reality is, well-paying jobs are hard to come by. Affording a home on minimum wage is a pipe dream, and you can’t buy a beer with a dollar. 

With this in mind, it’s easy to see why transactional arrangements are on the rise. After all, love alone won’t pay the bills, put a roof over your head, or provide safety during hard times. 

Does this mean traditional roles are common in transactional relationships? Far from it. For example, in the 1920s, the idea of stay-at-home dads was unheard of. The men went to work, providing for the family, while a majority of women stayed at home to look after the children. 

Nowadays, millions of men in transactional marriages are stay-at-home dads. They act as caregivers for the children as their wives advance their careers. 

What if there are no children involved? After all, with the child-free movement picking up steam, what’s the point of transactional arrangement in a marriage? This is where convenience comes into play. 

Let’s say a person has a busy career life. This would mean they would have little to no time for dating or pursuing a romantic relationship. Such a person would be okay with providing their partner with all the comforts they need. 

In return, they would expect all the benefits that come with a marriage. Over time, partners in this kind of relationship might grow to care for each other, but the underlying conditions of the marriage will remain relevant. 

Now, what is a transactional relationship characterized by? That is what I will be looking at next. 

Characteristics Of A Transactional Arrangement

Since all relationships have a transactional element, finding out if you are in a purely transactional union can be confusing. Here are the main characteristics of a purely transactional arrangement.

High Expectations

Don’t get me wrong, having expectations in a relationship is perfectly natural. However, partners in a transactional marriage use their expectations to determine the state of their union. You can go as far as saying that expectations, not love, form the foundation of such a marriage. 

Similar to business deals, expectations are agreed on early in the relationship. 

For example, a person might expect to live in a house of their choice and receive a certain amount of money after an agreed period of time. In return, their partner would expect them to take care of all household responsibilities. 

Using such expectations, they can both determine if the marriage is working or not. 

Self-Focussed

Self-interest is a driving factor in transactional unions. Every action is cataloged. Both partners keep scores. 

Before doing anything for your partner, you first ask yourself what you’ll get out of it. In such a union, generosity is regarded as wasted effort. Quid quo pro is the order of the day.

Compromise Is A Foreign Concept

Since transactional marriages are based on expectations, there is little room for compromise.  If your partner meets all your requirements, then you have no choice but to keep your end of the bargain. 

For example, let’s say your role in the marriage is looking after the children. Regardless of your situation, your partner will expect you to watch the kids. 

Even if you are not able to, they will expect you to find a solution that doesn’t inconvenience their plans in any way. This goes to show that lack of compromise and flexibility are hallmarks of transactional relationships. 

Lack Of Discussions

You might view disagreements as a bad thing in relationships, but partners in transformational relationships are no strangers to conflict. There’s a reason for this.

Conversation and discussions form the foundations of relational marriages. A person can air their views, no matter how radical. If their partner disagrees, then an argument will ensue. 

This is not a bad thing. In fact, it’s a healthy process for any relationship. By finding common ground, partners experience individual growth in a marriage. They are also more than willing to fight for the relationship. 

This is rarely the case in transactional relationships. Pre-defined roles form the basis of how partners should interact. There is little reason for discussion. However, there’s more to this. 

Since discussion on complex issues like politics or religious views could lead to disagreements, they are avoided at all costs. After all, reducing conflict by maintaining the status quo is one of the main goals of a transactional marriage. 

More Taking, Less Giving

Love is the glue that holds transformational marriages together. Here, partners are okay with making sacrifices for the sake of the relationship. 

The opposite is true for transactional marriages. One views every little thing they do as an investment and, similar to a business transaction, they will expect returns for their actions. 

As you can imagine, this will create a selfish mentality over time. Instead of doing something for its sake, you will expect your partner not only to recognize your actions but to repay you as well.  

Prenuptial Agreements Are Part Of The Package

Nowadays, prenuptial agreements are common enough. However, the truth is, people entering a transactional union will demand a prenup before tying the knot, especially if they have considerable material wealth. 

Such a person knows that their partner is only with them because of the security they can provide. A prenup ensures that in the case of divorce or separation, they will leave with their assets intact. 

Of course, this makes sense on paper, but it’s not a concern for couples in a loving, transformational marriage. Since personal gain is not a motivating factor in a transformational marriage, you don’t have to worry about your partner short-changing you in the unfortunate case of a divorce. 

A prenup no doubt makes it easier when separating assets. But you should be clear and honest about your reasons for demanding one. 

Next, let’s look at the good side of a transactional marriage.

Advantages Of A Transactional Marriage

Equality

The problem with non-transactional unions is that your partner might take advantage of you. Of course, this would never happen in a loving relationship, but the lack of defined roles makes it a possibility. 

On the other hand, transactional relationships set the grounds for equality. Think about it. You know what’s expected of you and what to expect from your partner. 

Since you are aware of this, demanding what you are owed is much easier. This is not the case in a non-transactional arrangement. If your partner is unreasonable, they can easily argue that your demands are selfish and manipulative.

Certainty

Love is a drug. Like all drugs, it can make you do questionable things. Some relationships make perfect sense when you are in love. But once the honeymoon phase is over, you can’t help but question the logic behind your decisions. 

Ask any divorcee from a non-transactional marriage whether they ever thought about separation in the initial stages of their union. The answer will be a resounding no.

This rarely happens with transactional relationships. Since both partners know what they are getting into, they don’t have the luxury of setting unrealistic expectations. 

With clearly defined roles, you can easily gauge the state of your marriage and correct any issues early on. As a result, you are more certain and confident in your marriage since you are in control. 

Balance

While personal sacrifice is commonplace in transformational marriages, it’s not required in transactional relationships. Yes, the concept of sacrifice is noble on paper. And more often than not, it leads to inequality. 

This is usually the case in marriages where there is little to no communication. On the other hand, transactional arrangements ensure balance. 

You can be sure that your needs and desires will be met since your partner is well aware of their responsibilities. What’s more, there is no need for you to make personal sacrifices since your partner has to reciprocate everything you do for them. 

Security

No matter how much you love each other, separation is always a possibility. With non-transactional relationships, amicable divorces almost never happen. If your partner feels short-changed, then they might go to extreme lengths to “make you pay” during the divorce. 

Since affairs are mixed up in non-transactional marriages, separating assets can become a nightmarish experience. 

On the other hand, when transactional unions end, there is little chance of your divorce devolving into a pitched battle. Think about it. Love is not the basis for a transactional union. This reduces the chance of irrational behavior in the case of separation. 

What’s more, with clear rules, division of responsibilities, and the existence of a prenup agreement, your divorce will be an open-and-shut case. With these factors in play, there is no chance of your partner “taking you to the cleaners” when your marriage ends. 

Disadvantages Of A Transactional Marriage

Let’s be honest, most people won’t even consider getting into a transactional arrangement. After all, the concept is the complete opposite of the accepted model of a loving marriage. Here are the glaring disadvantages of a transactional relationship. 

It Stunts Individual Growth

Growth is impossible without change. The truth is partners in transactional arrangements rarely welcome change. You can argue that through clearly defined roles, transactional unions promote individual growth, but this is rarely the case. 

Think about it. The prevailing mentality in such a marriage is “As long as things are going as expected, why rock the boat? “

Yes, this approach reduces the chances of arguments and conflicts. But what it also does is reduce meaningful interaction with your partner. 

The result is that you both retreat to your own little bubbles where your opinions and world views are likely to stay the same. While this ultimately leads to a “peaceful” marriage, it comes at the cost of growth. 

A Boring Marriage

Make no mistake, love is a risky affair. It’s like taking a dive into the unknown; you never know where you will end up. It’s a scary prospect, but it’s so much fun. 

A loving marriage makes life worth living. Even in hard times, you always have something to smile about. Having someone to love unconditionally brings the best out of us. 

Look at it this way. Even though there are millions of unhappy marriages, you are willing to try making yours a success story. Will it work? No one knows. 

But giving everything you have to a cause you believe in, even when facing overwhelming odds, is the most beautiful thing you will ever do. 

Risk is the spice of life. It’s why approaching marriage as you would a business deal cheapens the whole concept. You won’t bother with going the extra mile. Why would you? 

You won’t fight to save your marriage. What’s the point? Maintaining the status quo is all that matters. Avoid rocking the boat at all costs. 

Finally, leaving your partner is a non-issue, especially if someone comes along with a better deal. Something is lost in a transactional relationship that makes the whole affair cold, calculating, and utterly boring. 

FAQs 

Are transactional marriages sustainable?

In all honesty, it depends on your motivations and what you want from marriage. If love and self-sacrifice are requirements for you, then you are better off going for a transformational marriage. 

However, if you don’t care much about these concepts, then there is a high chance you will be happy in a transactional arrangement. 

Are transactional marriages wrong?

Far from it. After all, all marriages are transactional in nature. When it’s all said and done, you should go with what works for you. If marriages based on love were the right path, then divorces would be unheard of. But this is not the case. 

How do I change a transactional marriage?

Make love and not expectations the foundation of your marriage. This way, you will be able to give more and expect less. Instead of keeping count of what your partner is doing, you will focus on what you can do to strengthen your marriage. 

By now, you should be well-informed about what a transactional marriage is, from where it began to its present nature, and also its good and bad sides. Knowing all these is important, especially if you are yet to tell the kind of marriage you are in. Take your time to learn your union, and always remember that marriage is a long journey that takes a lot of effort and sacrifice to be a success. 

You are most probably here to find out how to live with a narcissist husband. But is it even possible or healthy for you? That’s a valid question and one this article takes care of as well. 

Honestly, we are all a little selfish by nature. After all, we are human. But overcoming this tendency is a must if you are to live a fulfilling life. A hallmark of true love is putting the needs of another before yours, at least for the most part. Narcissism negates that.

Ever heard of Narcissus? He is a character in Greek mythology who was famous for his beauty. The story goes that he fell in love with his own reflection rather than pursue romantic relationships. Guess what? His character is the origin of the term “narcissist,” which means “an unhealthy obsession with oneself.” 

So, should you call it quits and leave if your husband is a narcissist? After all, you deserve better, right? However, you shouldn’t jump the gun just yet, especially if you love your spouse. Here’s why: 

Your husband isn’t being intentionally cruel; he is sick. Yes, that’s right! A narcissistic personality disorder is a medical condition. This means with the right information, you can find a sustainable solution. All hope isn’t lost. 

So, hang in there. Help has arrived on how you should deal with a narcissist spouse. To start you off, here are the signs that you are dealing with a narcissist husband.

Is Your Husband Really A Narcissist? 

Before going any further, you have to be absolutely sure your husband is a narcissist. After all, he wasn’t like that when you met, right? 

This is a confusing issue to deal with. However, with the right information, you can approach it head-on without second-guessing yourself. Here are the major giveaways that you are dealing with a husband who is a narcissist.

Gaslighting

Being gaslighted is a traumatizing experience. It’s a situation where your spouse makes you doubt your sanity. 

For example, you confront him on an issue, and before you know it, he has turned the tables on you. Suddenly, it’s your fault. Why can’t you be understanding? Are you sure you aren’t becoming your mother? This is why your past relationships didn’t amount to much. 

Narcissists love this approach; why? It shifts the blame from them. Not only that, but by also breaking you down mentally, they become ‘better’ than you. 

It’s a sickening practice, honestly. 

Negative Criticism

It is impossible to be okay with everything your spouse does. It’s completely natural to disagree on issues in a marriage. But if your husband is prone to negative criticism, then you have a major problem. 

Couples in healthy relationships talk things out; it’s the adult way of solving problems. But you can’t come to an agreement if your husband is selfish and constantly ridicules your efforts, talks you down, or just straight-up insults you. 

A narcissist husband does this to inflate his ego or escape responsibility. This is heartbreaking because you might end up believing you are inadequate. 

A ‘Grey’ Marriage

Do you remember what courting was like? The intense attention he gave you? His elaborate gestures of dedication? His endless declarations of undying love? Those were the good times. 

This is probably why you fell for him. It sucks but narcissists know that as women, we are suckers for romance and charm. 

When it suits him, such a person will make you believe you are the only thing he cares about. However, once you are married, the facade drops. The colorful courting is replaced by a grey, dull, and depressing marriage where romance and laughter are in short supply. 

There is a reason for this. Like players, a narcissist views every woman as a conquest. He will go to great lengths to get you with the sole intention of inflating their ego. Once the ‘conquest’ ends, he makes you his emotional punching bag. 

Serenades become insults, and instead of making you laugh, he ridicules you. A complete 180 turn of events that makes you doubt your sanity.

He Intentionally Makes You Jealous

No self-respecting man goes out of his way to make a woman feel bad about herself. It’s just plain wrong. 

But try telling this to a narcissist spouse. It’s a way of making you seek his approval on every issue. It’s messed up, but it works. Think about it. If someone you love compares you to other women or repeatedly flirts around, wouldn’t it make you feel inadequate? 

As a result, you might go out of your way to try and meet his ridiculous standards. In a sick way, he gets to boost his fragile self-esteem and control you in one fell swoop. 

I know, it’s cold and absolutely Machiavellian. 

He Is Incredibly Jealous

Oh! The sweet irony. 

A self-obsessed spouse is okay with making you jealous but he blows a fuse when your attention goes to someone else. Apparently, don’t dish it out if you can’t take it is a foreign concept to narcissists. 

It always has to be about him ;your career, friends, and family can take a hike. God forbid that another man shows you attention, even if it’s harmless.

Yes, men are territorial by nature. But would a stable spouse be jealous of your child? Of course not! But studies show that narcissistic husbands react irrationally after you give birth. 

Now, it can swing both ways. He will either resent the fact that you have to focus on the newborn, or he will ignore you completely and focus solely on the child. Either way, it’s not a healthy situation. 

Lack Of Empathy

A narcissist will always put himself first in every situation.

As you know, this turns marriage into a hellish experience. A relationship is a two-way street with give and take. If your husband disregards your feelings and doesn’t view you as an equal, then what’s the point? You can’t depend on him, he won’t support you in any meaningful way, and he will only chip in when it benefits him. 

Without empathy, your marriage is as good as dead. The problem is, a self-obsessed husband will shift the blame on you when you bring up the issue. He will insist you are hard-to-please, ungrateful, and prone to complaining. 

That said, how do you deal with a narcissist husband? That’s what you will be learning next. 

How To Live With A Narcissist Husband

Living with a narcissist is by no means a picnic. While calling it quits and jumping ship might seem like a good idea, there are tried and tested ways of dealing with a narcissist. Read on to find out more. 

Don’t Be Baited

A common trait with all narcissists is that they love attention; they will do anything and everything to get you to focus on them. Understanding this is important. It allows you to see the attention-seeking antics for what they are. 

Make no mistake, this won’t be a cakewalk. Remember, narcissists are master manipulators. Since your husband knows you well, he will know which buttons to push. 

You have to keep your head on a swivel when you are dealing with him. Watch what he says and reflect before reacting. It’s exhausting, but this way, you won’t easily fall for his tactics. This applies to both positive and negative behaviors. Don’t assume anything. 

By meeting unreasonable behavior with calm and composure, he is denied the satisfaction of drawing a reaction from you. That’s precisely how to handle a narcissistic husband without confrontation.

Set Up Boundaries

Setting up boundaries in a marriage might seem like overkill. But desperate times call for desperate measures. Don’t let a narcissistic husband have his way every time. Set a line in the sand and let him know when he crosses it. 

The problem with a self-absorbed husband is when you give him an inch, he will take a mile. You have to foot down on issues that make you uncomfortable. 

Now, there is a high chance that he will start an argument if you take this approach. But remember, don’t take his bait. It’s what he expects. 

Call him out on his actions with resolve. Don’t waiver when he throws a tantrum. That’s how to deal with a narcissist spouse hell-bent on denying you freedom.

After all, what else can he do? Sulk? Insult you? Ignore you? Unless you allow it, these tactics have no power over you. Setting up boundaries shows him you mean business, and you will not be pushed around. 

Of course, this won’t happen overnight. It takes time, determination, and grit. 

Stand Up For Yourself

Despite what your experience living with a narcissist has made you believe, you have an iron will. 

It might be suppressed as a result of an unhealthy marriage, but make no mistake, it is deep within you. Nurturing it back to life is the only way you can survive a narcissistic spouse. So, how can you do this? 

By standing up for yourself. 

Like I said earlier, call out your spouse when he does something you don’t agree with. Of course, he will use every trick in his book to turn the tables on you but don’t back down. 

A word of advice: Though it takes time, you have to suppress your anger in such situations. Yes, you have every right to be pissed off. But, giving in to your rage is playing right into his hands.

While anger is a powerful emotion, it’s useless against a self-absorbed spouse. Instead, meet him head-on with a clear and rational mind. 

Think about it. How would you handle an unreasonable child? By shouting at them, therefore lowering yourself to their level, or by taking the high road? 

Dealing with a narcissist husband shouldn’t be any different. 

This won’t be easy by any means. But, before you can walk, you must first crawl. It’s all about consistency. Chip away at the problem bit by bit. Re-learning how to love someone, especially a spouse with narcissist tendencies, is a grueling process. 

In time, you will be able to stare him down without flinching. You will break down his irrational and selfish demands with cool and rational counterarguments. 

He will come to realize that you are not his emotional plaything but a self-aware woman who won’t take his nonsense lying down. Now, how to handle a narcissist husband like a pro.

Do Not Make Excuses For Him

Even though you love your husband, making excuses for his hurtful behavior isn’t healthy. Yes, narcissism is a disorder, but this doesn’t excuse the negative ways in which he treats you. 

He knows better. 

Otherwise, he wouldn’t have bothered with wooing you before tying the knot. Despite what he tells you, your self-obsessed spouse is terrified at the prospect of losing you.

His selfish behavior is meant to make you think that you need him more. In truth, it is the other way around. 

Let me let you in on a secret: Narcissists have fragile egos. It’s why they need constant validation and adoration. This proves one thing: You are still in control. 

But, making excuses for your husband means you will end up blaming yourself for his behavior. Of course, this is what a narcissist wants: someone else taking the responsibility for their mess. If you decide to make your marriage work, then you will have to see your husband for what he is. 

This is the foundation of handling a narcissist spouse. Otherwise, your self-esteem will be destroyed in the course of your marriage. 

Go Back To ‘Doing Your Thing’ 

Narcissists want what they cannot have. 

Remember what you were like before falling for your husband? You had a life of your own. 

From dreams and aspirations to goals that kept you motivated. You probably kept in touch with your family and your circle of friends. You had hobbies of your own and ideas that kept you up at night.

So, what changed? 

You became isolated, and all you could think about was making your husband be madly in love with you. But there is only one problem: No matter how much effort you give, it’s never enough. 

It is possible that over time, you distanced yourself from your friends and family. You gave up your hobbies and your goals and took a back seat. But don’t beat yourself up. 

Despite how you might feel, it isn’t your fault and the damage isn’t permanent. Rebuilding your life and patching up old relationships will get your mind off your unhealthy marriage. Of course, your husband won’t welcome this change. 

After all, he needs you to be isolated and dependent on him. Reigniting your sense of independence will work wonders for your mental well-being. Don’t be afraid to seek help. You don’t have to hope to do this by yourself, and you don’t have to. 

Friends and family will serve as a support system in your darkest times. Spending time with them will remind you what it’s like being the center of attention for a change. Be resolute, don’t waver in your course. 

You had a life before your marriage, and you can still rebuild it regardless of your current predicament. While this process will take time, the end result will be worth it. 

The best part? It’s a win-win situation for you. 

Your husband can either come along on your terms or be relegated to the sidewalk. His choice. 

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)

Is Narcissism A Personality Disorder? 

Yes, it is. Otherwise referred to as NPD, it is listed with other mental disorders. Examples include schizoid personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and others. The best way to approach narcissism personality disorder is by seeking medical advice. 

Now, your husband might not be open to the idea. However, you might get through to him by explaining how his behavior is damaging your marriage. 

A mental health professional will provide a diagnosis and provide sustainable solutions to the problem. But there is a catch. 

Narcissists are master manipulators and liars. Unless he wants help, your husband will try to fool the doctor. And the sad part is, there is a high chance he will succeed. 

Can A Narcissist Person Become Physically Abusive?

It’s a coin toss. 

It depends on your husband’s predisposition to violence and his personality. However, it could happen to you, especially if you don’t take a stand early on in your marriage. 

Remember, a narcissist will slowly push your boundaries trying to figure out how much you can take. This is why it is important to stand up for yourself. 

Do not make the mistake of excusing abusive behavior. Being self-obsessed is one thing; abuse is a whole other ball game. Call him out for it and notify your loved one the moment it happens. It will keep him in check. 

A word of advice. There is no point in staying in an abusive marriage. You are better off walking away instead. Trust me, nothing is worth that level of disrespect.

Can A Narcissist Husband Change? 

In all honesty, it depends on his personality and the value he places on your relationship. Remember, most narcissists do not realize they have a problem. 

If your husband doesn’t want to lose you, then he will take the necessary steps to be a better man. It will be hard but he will change for the better over time. 

However, if your spouse is drunk on his inflated ego, then nothing can be done. You will have to decide whether to leave or stay. It all depends on you. Choose wisely. 

All that said, now the ball is in your court. Armed with all this information, you will be in a perfect position to make the right decision on how to deal with a narcissist spouse.