He Doesn’t Believe in Love — But You Do

Occasionally, I receive relationship questions that make me think, This probably isn’t just one woman’s problem.

One reader told me she’d been dating a man for seven months. She described the relationship as great, with one pretty significant exception:

He doesn’t want to commit because he says he doesn’t believe in love.

Hmmm.

He doesn’t believe in love.

It’s tempting to immediately start wondering what he means by that.

Was he badly hurt in a previous relationship? Did he grow up without seeing healthy love? Is he scared? Is he protecting himself? Does he actually have feelings for her but doesn’t know how to express them?

Maybe.

But there’s another question I think is much more important:

What does she want?

Sometimes We Become So Understanding That We Forget About Ourselves

When you really care about someone, it’s natural to want to understand where they’re coming from.

Maybe he tells you he was hurt badly in his last relationship, so he needs to move slowly.

Maybe he’s overwhelmed with work, so you accept seeing him only when it’s convenient for him.

Maybe commitment scares him, so you avoid talking about the future because you don’t want him to feel pressured.

You tell yourself you’re being patient.

You’re giving him space.

You’re respecting where he is.

And maybe you are.

But somewhere in all that understanding, there’s another person whose feelings matter too.

You.

What do you want?

What kind of relationship are you hoping to build?

And are you actually getting it?

Understanding why someone can’t give you what you need doesn’t mean you have to stop needing it.

“He Doesn’t Believe in Love” Is Information

If someone you’re dating tells you he doesn’t believe in love, you don’t necessarily have to figure out exactly what he means.

Maybe he’ll change his mind someday.

Maybe he won’t.

Maybe he’s afraid.

Maybe this is simply his way of telling you he doesn’t want a committed relationship.

You could spend months trying to figure out which explanation is the right one.

But none of those possibilities changes what he’s offering you right now.

That’s the part I’d pay attention to.

If you want a loving, committed relationship and the person you’re dating tells you he doesn’t believe in love or doesn’t want commitment, you may be looking at more than a temporary obstacle.

You may be looking at an incompatibility.

And incompatibility doesn’t necessarily mean anyone is wrong.

It means you may want different things.

Don’t Turn Someone’s Limitations Into Your Assignment

This is where things can get painful.

Once we understand why someone struggles with love or commitment, it’s easy to start treating that struggle like something we’re supposed to help them overcome.

If I give him enough time…

If I show him what a healthy relationship looks like…

If I’m patient enough…

If I love him without pressuring him…

Maybe eventually he’ll realize that this relationship is different.

And maybe he will.

People change all the time.

But you shouldn’t have to build your relationship around the possibility of who someone might eventually become.

At some point, you have to look at the person standing in front of you.

Not his potential.

Not the relationship you imagine the two of you could have.

Not what he might want six months from now.

What is he offering you today?

And is that something you actually want?

Giving Isn’t the Problem

In the past, I might have told a woman in this situation not to “give a man everything he wants” before he commits.

Don’t have sex with him.

Don’t cook for him.

Don’t clean for him.

Don’t live with him.

Essentially, don’t give him the benefits of a committed relationship if he isn’t willing to give you commitment.

I understand the thinking behind that advice, but I see it differently now.

Because relationships aren’t transactions.

Commitment isn’t something someone owes you because you’ve cooked enough dinners, had sex with them, supported them through difficult times or proved what a wonderful partner you could be.

And withholding those things doesn’t guarantee commitment either.

The better question is:

Why am I giving what I’m giving?

Have sex because you’re comfortable having sex and it aligns with what you want.

Cook for someone because you enjoy doing it.

Spend time together because you genuinely want to.

Move in together because you’ve decided that’s the right step for your relationship.

But be careful about giving more and more because somewhere underneath it you’re hoping:

Eventually he’ll see how good we are together and give me the relationship I want.

That’s when giving can quietly become overinvesting.

Your Needs Don’t Become Less Important Because His Reasons Make Sense

This is something I wish more women understood.

Someone can have a completely understandable reason for not being able to give you what you need.

And you can still decide that the relationship isn’t enough for you.

Both things can be true.

You can have compassion for what someone has been through without making their healing the price of admission to the relationship you want.

You can understand that someone isn’t ready for commitment without waiting indefinitely for them to become ready.

You can care deeply about someone and still recognize that the relationship they’re offering doesn’t work for you.

You don’t have to make him wrong in order to decide something isn’t right for you.

Stop Asking What Will Make Him Commit

If you’ve been dating someone for months who tells you he doesn’t believe in love, I’d be careful about making your next question:

How do I make him believe in love?

Or:

How do I show him that I’m different?

Or:

How long should I wait before he commits?

Those questions keep all of your attention on him.

Try turning the question around.

If nothing about this relationship changed, would I still want it?

That’s a very different question.

Because now you’re not making your happiness dependent on some future version of the relationship.

You’re evaluating the one you actually have.

Maybe you’ll decide you’re genuinely happy with it.

Maybe you’ll realize you’ve been accepting much less than you want because you’re hoping something will eventually change.

Either answer gives you useful information.

What Do You Want?

That’s ultimately where I would start.

Not with what will make him commit.

Not with how much you should give.

Not with whether you’re being understanding enough.

Start with you.

If you want a committed relationship full of love, there’s nothing unreasonable about wanting that.

And if the person you’re dating doesn’t want the same thing, you don’t necessarily need another technique for changing his mind.

You may simply need to believe what the relationship is showing you.

Sometimes we spend so much time trying to understand why someone can’t give us what we need that we forget to ask whether we want a relationship where those needs aren’t being met.

You can understand him.

You can care about him.

You can even love him.

But you still get to decide whether what he’s offering is enough for you.