“No, I have to go home. My husband is waiting for me.”
When my friend said this at a friendly get-together, I was amazed. She had a slightly fearful look in her eyes, and I wondered why she was concerned with what her husband might think if she got home a little later. After all, it wasn’t even late yet. Why was she letting her husband control her, and why wasn’t she standing up to her controlling husband?
Perhaps you are in the same boat. Your husband tells you how to cook, what to wear, when to watch TV (and what to watch), and still tells you that you have bad taste when you don’t instantly acquiesce to his controlling commands.
It is so easy to become run-down by a partner who constantly treats you like a child or takes command of your life.
You are not a puppy, and “sit,” “stand,” and “stay” (or their human equivalents) are not words that one partner should ever use with their spouse. This is a severe form of mental and emotional abuse.
This got me thinking about ways of how to deal with a controlling husband. Is there a sure-fire way to ensure your spouse respects you enough to trust you? My own partner trusts me enough to be responsible and he never demands control over my actions and activities, so why do some men become controlling?
I looked for ways to discover a path through controlling behavior to personal freedom. This is what I found: You need to know why your husband is controlling, how he is controlling you, and find ways to break the pattern of controlling behavior. Only then will you be in a relationship that is based on mutual respect.
Why Is Your Husband Controlling?
If you are picturing a grumpy gnome of a man who is the controlling husband, you are quite mistaken. All people can become controlling partners. Whether the husband or wife, controlling your partner is about dominance. And anyone can do it.
Some forms of control are obvious, others are insidious, and still more are as blunt as a fist to the face. Whenever you are being denied the full and unapologetic right to self-agency, you are being controlled. It is about making the controller feel empowered. But why do they control other people? Surely there are better things to do with their time and energy?
In worst-case scenarios, the controlling partner may be a narcissist who uses gaslighting to dominate their partner. A husband who makes his wife doubt her own abilities and rational thinking mind is a gaslighter. In some cases, the wife may end up feeling like she’s the bad guy and that she is the one to blame even though she is the victim.
Mostly, controlling husbands have suffered a form of abuse or trauma themselves in their early life, and controlling their wives is the only way in which they feel they are overcoming or succeeding in life. Control equates to power for them.
Being controlling can also be a form of reprisal by your husband who may be suffering under the dominance of someone else in their life, such as a dominating boss. In a knee-jerk reaction, your husband may be controlling over you as this is the only place he can feel like he’s the boss. It is in your power to help him change and save your marriage.
Husbands who suffer low self-esteem will often turn their frustrations against their spouses, and they will use the traditional set-up of the marriage (with the man as the head of the household) as an environment where they can bully their wife so they will feel empowered.
Other reasons why a man may try to control his wife include:
- The man is trying to deal with his anxieties
- He has learned to be this controlling from his own father
- To get what he wants
- He is emotionally immature and doesn’t know how to be real
Why Having A Controlling Spouse Is Not Acceptable
Being controlled by your partner is not acceptable since this reduces you to someone who can’t trust their own thinking, actions, and feelings. You become a plaything that isn’t respected. The result of this manipulative behavior is fear, insecurity, and a low self-esteem.
When you are in a relationship with a controlling husband, you will begin to resent him.
This leads to the relationship no longer being between equals. It takes on a parent-child dynamic, which is an unhealthy way to be in a marriage or any other relationship. At some point, the “child” will rebel, and it can ultimately lead to divorce. If the manipulation escalates, it can also become physical coercion, which can lead to physical abuse.
Putting it shortly: Being in a manipulative relationship isn’t healthy.
Controlling Husband 101
So how do you know your husband is controlling? Often the behavior is so subtle or covert you really may not realize you are being controlled. It begins in a mild form before escalating into manipulation and control.
This is a bit like heating up a pot of water with a frog in it. Since the temperature increases gradually, the frog won’t jump out. Eventually the frog boils.
Are you boiling in your marriage and don’t even know it? Look out for these signs.
Sign One: He Constantly Criticizes You
You feel each day as if there is nothing you can do right, and you end up wondering how he wants things done instead of thinking how you would want them done.
Sign Two: Your Interactions Are Either Threats, Silent Treatment, Or Jealousy
Your husband may manipulate and control you by alternating between the silent treatment and open threats. This keeps you off-balance and emotionally vulnerable. A jealous husband is almost always a controlling one.
Sign Three: He Twists The Truth To Make You Feel Negative
A husband who makes his wife feel like she’s the reason for shame is controlling her emotions and actions.
Sign Four: He Confuses You By Placing Words In Your Mouth
A way in which your husband may manipulate and control you is to insist you said something you didn’t. When you feel the fool, he uses this power over you to make him seem like the responsible partner.
Sign Five: He Withholds Things
A controlling husband maintains power over his wife by denying her things that she needs to be happy or successful. He will use his support as a bargaining chip. If she wants to attend night school, he will tell her she needs to help the kids with homework as he can’t. When she needs something, he refuses to give it.
Sign Six: He Isolates You
This is a big sign of control. When a man keeps his wife cut off from her friends, family, and coworkers, he is controlling her ability to interact socially and receive outside support. Often, this is a sign of a narcissist hard at work.
Six Steps: How To Deal With A Controlling Husband
Finding ways of how to stop a controlling husband can be a challenge. These are some essential steps to help free you. You can learn how to stand up to your controlling husband.
Step One: Get Support
Being controlled means you will doubt every thought in your head and each action you plan on taking. To counter the controlling husband’s influence, you need the help of genuine friends. Reach out and get support.
If you have no friends, family members, or colleagues you can turn to, you can reach out to support organizations that are there to help you through the difficult process of finding yourself and ditching the bonds of control.
Step Two: Talk To Him
When you have the support you need, you will slowly scratch together the confidence to talk to your controlling husband. Be sure to do so in a safe space. You can have your support group nearby or even use them to mediate the situation.
Remember that nobody likes being confronted with an ugly truth, and your husband probably doesn’t even know he is doing something wrong. In his mind, you are simply in need of his guidance. So rephrase statements like “You make me feel…” with “I feel that…”
Speak clearly and try to remain calm as you tell your husband that what he does is not appropriate for your relationship. Expect resistance. Stick to your guns, and tell him how you feel. Don’t try to get through to him by saying that you are upset with him or that he did XYZ. The blame game doesn’t work.
Step Three: Carve Out Space
Your next step is to create some space for yourself where you can heal and where you can learn how to work on your marriage. The setting of boundaries will help your husband learn what is acceptable and what isn’t. It is also how you take back the power he has taken from you.
You may think of these boundaries like relationship rules, and you might consider these:
- He needs to listen to you
- You get to make up your own mind and make decisions
- There will be “please” and “thank you” in the relationship
- You decide to support each other and respect what matters to each other
- You get to decide when you need to step out of a situation that is oppressing you
Step Four: Reclaim Your Power
Once you have set some boundaries and spoken to him about the way you feel, it is up to you to reclaim your power. Chances are that your controlling husband has been isolating and weakening you.
Start by taking back your power in small ways. If he wants to have takeout burgers on Saturday evenings, then surprise him by cooking a delicious meal instead of getting takeaways. Whatever you want to do, go for it.
Step Five: Rise Above His Mind Tricks
When you start to stand up to your husband, you will begin to see real change. Learning how to stand up to a controlling husband is not easy, and you may take a few steps backwards for each step forwards.
Take back your power. If he demands you do something, oppose him. Should he be inclined to withhold money from you, then you can work on achieving your own independence financially.
Step Six: Decide Whether You Will Stay Or Leave
Ultimately, you need to ask yourself whether there is a chance that your controlling husband can change or if he will always try to dominate you. If he wants to change, then you can work on the relationship together, and it may end up bringing you both closer together.
However, if he can’t let you be free and equal to him, then you need to consider whether the cost of this marriage will be more than you can pay. Is your marriage worth your freedom and independence?
FAQs For How To Deal With A Controlling Husband
How do you know you are married to a controlling husband?
A controlling husband will try to dominate you by removing your decision-making opportunities. He will isolate you from your friends and family to ensure you have no support against his dominating ways. Your ability to make financial, emotional, mental, and physical decisions will be affected as he takes over your life.
He will make snide and cutting remarks to tear down your self-esteem, but you will be too weakened and alone to stand up for yourself. This further places you under his control.
What are some of the signs that you are married to a controlling husband?
- There will be constant criticism from him
- Despite him being the aggressor, you will feel guilty
- Even when he does something nice for you, he will do it in such a way that you will feel guilty or bad
- He engages in narcissistic behavior that includes gaslighting you
- He is involved in every aspect of your life and tells you what to do the whole time
- There is constant jealousy from him, and you fear his temper
- You feel as if he only loves you on certain conditions such as being skinny, rich, or obedient to him
- You feel as if he is constantly watching you
- When you talk to him, it feels as if he doesn’t listen
How to deal with a controlling spouse?
There are many ways to deal with a controlling husband, but it starts with you finding support. The main weapon a controller will use is to isolate you so there is no support system for you, which leaves you vulnerable to their manipulations.
When you have reached out to people who can support you, the next steps are:
- Talk to your husband about his controlling habits
- Keep your cool as he will try to convince you that the problem lies with you
- Decide where he controls you the most and set boundaries to manage those areas
- Take charge of your life and become more independent
- Encourage him to find help for his controlling ways
- Set weekly check-ins to help you remain on track with your journey out of his control
- Take back power over your life with activities that make you feel good
- Decide whether there is improvement or if you need to consider leaving
Why is my husband being so controlling?
Husbands can become controlling over their wives for many reasons. They may have a weak self-esteem and rely on dominating their wife to make them feel good. There may have been abuse in their own childhood, which has led them to believe in dominating their spouse as a way to make them feel secure. He may be afraid of being alone, so he takes away his partner’s power to prevent her from leaving him.
He might be a narcissist who gets off on the power he has over her. This might be learned behavior he saw with one of his parents who was dominating over the other. Even mothers can be dominating over their children, who will then turn into either dominating or subservient partners later in life.
Why is it so bad to be with a dominating partner?
When you are in a relationship with a dominating partner, you are giving your power to them. The result is that your relationship dynamic changes from equal partners to something that’s more like a parent-child relationship. This is unhealthy as you will resent them, and they will love you conditionally.
At the end of the day, you will have a low self-esteem and feel disempowered to live your life. Make no mistake, being in a dominating or controlling relationship is a form of abuse.
The Final Word
You may be used to your controlling husband having the last word on everything. He probably expects to be obeyed in everything and that his word will be your instruction for living. It’s time to break free.
Let go of any belief that you somehow deserve to be dominated or that he’s doing it for your own good. He isn’t, and you deserve freedom. If he really loves you, he will give you the freedom and unconditional support to be yourself.
Have you been in a dominating relationship with a controlling husband? Please share your experiences in our social feed.
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