It’s 4:00 A.M. and you’re scouring the depths of Bumble, Tinder, The League, and that random app your roommate signed you up for last night (which you aren’t even sure has a vetting process considering what has showed up in your “matches” so far). We’ve all been there and it can be incredibly frustrating. In the age of match.com, eharmony.com, and countless dating apps, it seems like the process of finding “Mr. Right” is becoming more complex than ever.
Sometimes the process can be so daunting that it seems impossible. Not only do you have to take the initiative to create an account on a dating website, but you have to figure out a way to put your best foot forward and get someone’s attention against thousands of other options with the same “credentials.” It can be tricky, time-consuming, and, above all else, frustrating.
But if not dating apps, then what? How, in this increasingly fast-paced society, do you go about finding the right person for you? Here’s the first thing you need to remember as you work through this process: waiting for Mr. Right does not mean waiting around.
In addition to not sitting around waiting for Mr. Right to come along, you should also not settle for the first “acceptable” man that comes along as a result of your weeklong Bumble efforts. The temptation to swipe right on a man that also likes sushi, the beach, and the Red Sox is going to be there. If he’s even remotely attractive, that’s an added bonus. The date that went “okay” but wasn’t great will also take place. It’s easy to justify a few bad dates or a lack of chemistry and chalk it up to nerves, right?
I get it. It’s easier said than done. In my opinion, however, waiting for the right man does not mean sitting on your couch mindlessly flipping through five different dating apps, or not putting yourself out there and expecting your perfect man to fall into your lap without any effort. Read on for some tips as to how to wait for the right man in a more active way, and what to do while you’re waiting for Mr. Right in the meantime to better yourself so you’re ready when you do finally meet him.
HELP! I’M IN LOVE WITH BEST FRIEND
See What’s Out There
As much as I joke around about dating apps, they can be really great tools to start putting yourself out there and meeting new people, especially if you’re new to the dating scene. Dating apps are a great resource to find people with similar interests and values as yourself and can provide valuable experience in dating.
The only way you’re going to know if someone is right for you is to, conversely, know what is wrong for you. The best way to go about this is going out on a few dates, getting to know different types of people, and determining what you do and don’t want in a man. Don’t rely on the dating profile alone. Worst case scenario – you have a great story to tell afterwards.
Make It All About YOU
As kids, we were told not to do this. But now is the time!
Relationships, especially serious ones that come along with finding Mr. Right, require a lot of time, dedication, energy, and sacrifice. Don’t get me wrong; if you’re with the right person, none of these things will seem like a chore but rather things you enjoy or don’t think twice about. In the meantime, however, this is a great opportunity for you to focus on yourself in every aspect. Whether you want to advance in your career, commit to a more active and healthy lifestyle, pursue a passion, or find a new hobby, now is the perfect time to explore these options and try things that make you happy as an independent person.
This course of action has multiple benefits. For starters, men are attracted to women who have it all together and don’t seem like their happiness relies on finding the right man Even if you are super eager to find the right man, try not to be too eager, as this might give the impression that you have nothing else worthwhile going on in your life.
If you show others that, while you’re waiting for Mr. Right, you have invested time to make yourself the best version you can be, they will not only admire you, but will know that your happiness doesn’t depend solely on having a partner. Showing that you have the awareness and determination to do life on your own, and that you’re okay with it, is a great indicator of the type of partner you will be once you are in a relationship.
Time for a cliche: You can’t be happy with someone else if you’re not happy with yourself.
Treat Yourself
This one is my favorite.
Treating yourself could mean a variety of things. Make an appointment for a spa day with your girlfriends. Take an entire Sunday (or weekend!) to veg out on the couch and watch those movies that have been on your list for two months. Put on some makeup and your best outfit and go shopping for the day. Instead of your usual spot for dinner, suggest that hot new sushi place for girl’s night this weekend. It doesn’t have to break the bank, but taking the time to do nice things for yourself can help make you more confident and happy with where you are in life. In essence, doing things like this shows that you love and value yourself and, in doing so, you will be an example to and attract others.
For some inspiration on how to treat yourself, here are some fun, affordable ideas!
Discover and/or Pursue a Passion
Is there something that you’ve always wanted to do or continue doing, but you’ve had to continuously place it on the back burner because, well…life gets in the way? Or it was just never the right time? Well NOW is the time to make those desires your priority. If you enjoy yoga and always thought about becoming an instructor, explore that opportunity. If you want to take up kickboxing or learn self-defense, sign up for a couple classes and see what it’s all about. Have a great idea for a book or short story? Designate some time each day where you can just sit down and write.
Pursuing passions, big or small, is not only a great way to add to your own life but can certainly be one way to meet others who share your interests and values. Who knows, this could even be the way that you meet your special someone, which is even better! Men generally love when women are passionate about something and vice versa (if they don’t, this can be a problem so watch out). These passions doesn’t necessarily have to be the same for two people to be compatible, but it’s a powerful thing in a relationship to be empowered and driven by something other than each other. You can support each other’s passions and learn about something new in the process.
Not only that, but pursuing a passion takes a lot of time, energy, and planning. If you’re focused on this, more likely than not, you will not be so focused on finding a man and the anxiety around the situation will lessen.
Focus on Friendships
If there is anything I’ve learned from the hundreds of “Galentine’s Day” Instagram posts I’ve scrolled through this week, it’s that female friendships are not only extremely important, but more valued than ever. In this age of rising female empowerment, it is so important to have friends whom you can count on and who root for you at your best and worst moments.
That being said, fostering such relationships can become difficult, complex, and time-consuming, especially as you get older and you have to balance friends from high school, hometown, college, work, etc. Additionally, just because you have a lot of friends, or think you do, doesn’t mean that each of those friendships has been given the time it needs to flourish.
Making time for friends is challenging, but necessary. Once a serious romantic relationship is thrown into that mix, the challenge intensifies, and suddenly you find yourself in situations where you have to choose between girl time and spending time with him.
Example #1:
It’s a Friday night and your boyfriend wants to take you out to dinner. Your roommate has also planned a girl’s night with all of your friends who you haven’t seen in awhile.
Example #2:
Your boyfriend wants to come visit your place for the weekend. Your friends from high school are planning a weekend getaway.
Example #3:
A new movie that you and your friend have been dying to see just hit theaters. Your boyfriend surprises you with premiere night tickets.
See where things might become a little difficult? This is where sacrifice and balance start to factor into your life. You will have to choose. Constantly. It’s a good problem to have, but something to think about before you dive into a serious relationship.
Ultimately, while you are not yet in a committed romantic relationship, this is a great time to focus on your friends. Give them a call asking about their day for no reason. Plan a girls weekend or a mini vacation. Go out dancing. Go to the movies. Grab drinks after work.
Here is some inspiration for fun ways to put friends first:
If a woman has a close knit circle of friends that she values enough to set aside time for, men will (or should) admire that. Again, if he doesn’t, that could be a problem. It’s a sign of being able to commit to multiple different people in life in a balanced fashion and not just one, and shows that you are able to maintain long-term, in-depth relationships. This is a great indicator of how one will perform in a relationship in terms of commitment as well.
Travel
Now, this suggestion may not be for everyone, but hear me out. I might change your mind.
Have you always dreamed about going backpacking through Europe? Visiting family across the country? Spending the weekend in a big city?
It’s much easier to travel when you’re only in charge of yourself and not anyone else, especially a significant other or children. Not
only that, it’s simpler to coordinate one work schedule rather than multiple. Take the time to go to the places you dreamed of visiting now, whether it’s Vermont or Italy, while you are the only person you have to take into consideration.
It is true, and I have heard this many times, that “you have your whole life to travel.” However, it is also true that “now” can be the time for anything and traveling can certainly be one of those things for you.
Check out this list of some safe, fun places for women to travel to independently:
Reflect and Redirect
If you’ve had relationships before that haven’t worked out, and you feel like you consistently keep meeting the wrong men follow this one, simple step: reflect.
Take a step back and examine your past relationships and ask these questions:
Why did it end? How did both of us deal with it ending? What was our biggest challenge in the relationship? How did we each deal with this challenge? What could we have done better that may have helped us work through the problem(s)?
Here are some additional questions to ask yourself while doing this exercise:
By taking some time to reflect and analyze (not overanalyze) the answers to these questions, you can determine any patterns that have started to form in your love life and make a conscious effort to alter them. In doing so, you’re being proactive in preventing similar issues from arising in future relationships.
When you do meet Mr. Right, you won’t be making those same mistakes.
TAKE ADVICE, BUT PROCEED WITH CAUTION
The first thing I do when I am faced with a challenge or difficult decision is to ask a friend or family member what they would do in my situation. This can be both a good thing and a bad thing.
On one hand, it is great to feel like you have people in your life who you can talk to about anything at any time no matter the circumstance, and who are looking out for your best interests. On the other hand, if you take their advice no matter what and quite literally beg them to tell you what to do, you will soon realize that all of your decisions are being made based on the values and thoughts of others and not according to your own moral compass and brain.
Your vision of “Mr. Right” and your older sister’s idea of“Mr. Right” might be completely different.
Quite simply, it’s okay to ask for advice. In fact, it’s great to hear the perspectives of people who are not in the thick of a situation and can objectively examine and guide from the outside. However, before you approach someone for input on a certain situation, make sure they are the right person.
It may not be the wisest idea to ask someone who has been married for forty years what their take is on a recent Bumble date you had. Similarly, you probably shouldn’t ask your cousin who, has never been on a date, what she thinks you should do. Try seeking advice from a reliable people who have been in a similar situation or can somewhat relate.
Check out some articles (like this one) to see what other people have to say on this topic.
That being said, just because you seek this advice does not mean you have to take and apply it to your individual situation. Your values and preferences are unique. Though it’s important to listen to the opinions of others whom you seek out for help, make sure you do a gut-check and decide if that course of action is correct according to your own thoughts, despite what others might say. If you follow your gut reaction and think all options through, you’ll be able to determine if it’s right or wrong.
Don’t just take my word for it.
There are millions of people in the world who face these same problems, many of whom decide to tell their story on public platforms such as TED talks. Check out these relationship-focused TED talks, led by captivating storytellers who talk about their journey to finding “Mr. Right”.
The term “waiting” has a connotation with being “stuck”, and being single or not having Mr. Right in your life certainly does not mean that you’re stuck. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. This “Single” status may be an annoying box you have to check on all of your documents, or what your Facebook profile currently reads, but it doesn’t define you or restrict you in any way unless you let it.
Rather, it grants you independence and gives you the freedom figure out yourself, what you want in life and, of course, what you want in a partner.
Another important thing to remember here is to, as much as possible, not measure your own romantic success against your friends’. It can be a difficult thing not to be down in the dumps when all of your friends have serious boyfriends and you’re still single, or your best friend is continuously meeting amazing men on Bumble dates and you feel like you’ve attracted every stinker on the planet. Just like they are having their time, you will have yours. Just like you want them to be happy for you when you find someone, you should do the same for them.
Comparing yourself to your friends or family members will only drive you crazy and make you more desperate to find someone that will not necessarily be THE one.
Be patient, but be active. Be cautious, but be courageous. Be honest with yourself, but give yourself some credit at the same time. Don’t compromise your values and standards for someone average. Be your best and you will find the best person for you.
In case you’re interested, check out these dating apps and websites to get you started:
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