Dear Robyn,
I am in love with one of my close friends and I want to know how to make him fall in love with me.
Aisha
Being in love with a friend can be difficult because you already have so many of the things you might want in a relationship.
You know him. You’re comfortable together. Maybe you’ve shared things with each other that you don’t share with many other people.
So it can start to feel obvious.
We get along so well. Why doesn’t he see that we should be together?
And underneath that can be an even more painful thought:
What if the person who’s right for me is already here, and I’m somehow missing my chance?
I’ve been there.
But instead of trying to figure out how to make your friend fall in love with you, I think you need to find out whether there’s actually something between the two of you that he would also like to explore.
If your feelings are strong enough that they’re affecting the friendship, I think it’s okay to tell him. You don’t have to make a huge declaration of love. You can simply let him know that you’ve started thinking about him as more than a friend and ask whether he’s ever thought about the two of you that way too.
Then let him answer.
Being close friends doesn’t automatically mean you’ll be compatible romantically. He may genuinely love you and value everything the two of you have while still experiencing it as friendship.
And if he doesn’t feel the same way, that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with either of you.
Everyone gets to decide whom they’re attracted to and whom they want to date.
I also wouldn’t put the rest of your romantic life on hold indefinitely while hoping he’ll eventually see you differently. Stay open to meeting other people, not to make him jealous or show him what he’s missing, but because you don’t yet know that this friendship is going to become a relationship.
You may discover that there’s something mutual between you.
Or you may finally have the information you need to stop waiting for something that only exists romantically for you.
A Man’s Perspective From Marvin Barrett
After sharing my thoughts with Aisha, I also wanted to bring in a man’s perspective.
At the time this question was originally published, Marvin Barrett worked in dating consulting, helping single women think through dating, attraction, and commitment.
I asked Marvin what he thought about Aisha’s desire to make a close male friend fall in love with her. His answer approached the situation a little differently, but he raised an important question:
Can you actually make someone fall in love with you?
Here’s Marvin’s perspective.
Something about this seems a little “fishy.”
“Trying” to get a man to fall in love with you seems a little “shady” and “needy” and isn’t a game worth your time.
If “being you” hasn’t been enough for your close friend to notice your qualities and potential as a long-term partner up until now, then it’s very likely that he never will.
Since he’s a close friend of yours, I’m sure that he has considered the idea of “you” in his mind at some point or another and has decided which “zone” you best fit:
“She’s cool but wouldn’t enter a long-term relationship with her” (friends) or “I want her and would enter a long-term relationship with her” (relationship material).
If he placed you in the “I would enter a long-term relationship with you” zone, then you wouldn’t need to get him to fall in love with you because he would be trying to win your heart and attention without you needing to because he has already identified you as a woman he wants to be with.
But I doubt that he sees you in this way, hence why you now feel compelled to “make” him feel something that he doesn’t but you want him to.
I don’t think you can consciously make someone fall in love with you by “figuring” out what to do.
Seduction “gurus” might tell you otherwise, and whilst certain “tricks and techniques” may work in the short term, they’re worthless when you want to create a long-term fulfilling relationship because it’s not sustainable.
They’re not based on authenticity or “the real you,” and for a guy to fall in love with you, you need to be ALL you and not a woman who is trying to win his love or approval by trying to “figure” out what to do.
That is likely to come across as “needy” or “trying too hard.”
However, I would say continue being good friends and just relax and show your best qualities wherever possible, on the phone or in person, because you do have them. If you confidently show them, you may start to get the attention you want without really trying.
If you want a starting point, I recommend that you ask him what qualities he seeks in a woman he would want to settle down with, as well as the attributes that wouldn’t make him want to.
When you figure out what he looks for, then it will become much easier for you to ascertain whether or not you’re the woman for him or if he’s the right man for you because you may not favor some of the things he looks for. If that’s the case, you can move forward knowing that it’s not a match.
But if you discover what he looks for and believe you possess the qualities and attributes he desires and can fulfill those needs and desires without compromising who you are, then go for it.
He may eventually begin to see you in a new light since you’ll be showing him subtly that you have what he’s looking for, but it’s not certain since he’s known you for a while now.
Thank you so much, Marvin, for this straightforward male perspective.
I think the point where Marvin’s perspective and mine meet is important: you can’t guarantee that someone will fall in love with you.
You can find out whether there’s something mutual between you. And once you know, you can decide what you want to do next instead of spending months or years trying to make your friend see you differently.
Discover more from Relationship Blackbook
Subscribe to get the latest posts sent to your email.
I agree. I feel like this about one of my friends. However, I did let him know so that he would give me the time and space to deal with it. I came off weird and I needed his help in dealing with it. We would hug as a greeting..but this was a problem for me because the sexual chemistry was off the charts. My whole body knew when he was in the room. Over time (still dealing with it a bit) I am handling it. I did not give him the chance to act on it, because I feel that we should not act upon every emotion/idea etc that enters our lives. He is an amazing friend and I value that about him and would not mess that up for anything in the world. Loved this post.
Thank you Diana for sharing your situation. This is a real issue for women and it’s good to hear how different women handle it.
i understand dat if a man is into a gal he’ll definitly try on her evry now n den n if not den most probably derz no chance to win him over, for a long term relationship.
but wat if a gal is into a man?? watz wrong in her tryin the same tricks dat a guy play on a woman??
if i like a guy and i try 2 hint him aout my feelings, would i be doing it wrong??
Thanks for your comment Sameera. Sometimes women get in a lot of trouble by assuming a masculine role of pursing. Sure, there are some things you can do to get his attention but a lot of men, not all, get turned off if a woman pursues them.
Hi Sameera,
You make an interesting point.
What’s wrong with a woman “hitting” on a man?
The short answer to that is nothing is wrong with a woman making her interest known to a guy she is interested in. In fact, if you ask most men they will tell you that they would love for a woman to approach them or “hit” on them every now and then, after all it’s nice to be wanted, whether you’re a man or woman.
The fact is though, most men don’t or won’t learn to appreciate a woman’s worth or value if she’s the pursuer for most of the courting process. It’s human nature, although men may be more guilty of this, that we don’t tend to appreciate things that come our way easily and readily.
When a woman assumes the role of the pursuer and doesn’t know when to back off after her initial advances and let the man move next before he’s even had the chance to get to know her properly, he’s likely to think that she’s like that with everyone meaning she’s easy, desperate, needy etc.
I’m not saying it’s right or wrong, but this is how most men view a woman who assumes the pursuer role for too long.
Hinting at a guy about your feelings isn’t wrong and I think it’s a good thing to do but like most forms of communicating, it’s not what you do that matters (i.e. hinting your feelings) but it’s how you do it that does.
My motto for women is “Attract, don’t Approach” that’s where your power as a woman lies when it comes to meeting and attracting men.
Hey Robyn,
The dude is harsh but this is so true. If he has not figured out that he likes you by now, the chances are slim. I have learnt a lot and will look forward to recieving more.
Thanks Barbara for your comment:)
I’m crazy about “my friend” and his actions tell me he likes me too. I spent so much time trying to figure out what his actions and his interest in my life mean. When I am with him it’s WOW-when I look at him I feel I’m looking at myself-I can tell him anything-his presence in my life is beyond inspirational-and there is this connection we share that I’ve never experienced before. I thought I was in love and I always asked the question “how can I make him love me?” and I’d read all kinds of articles pertaining to my question… all kinds of stuff about how to know if he’s interested… What I feel for him has nothing to do with sex or a physical attraction… it’s simply this undescribable bond that exists between us; and it’s knowing I could depend on him for anything and that the last thing he’d ever do is hurt me.
Angie, thanks for your comment. My rule of thumb that I share with my very close friends is…
He has to close the deal. This means that he can do all these wonderful things, you can have great conversations, you can have a great time together, but ultimately if he hasn’t asked you out, the deal isn’t closed yet.
Wait for that, before getting too excited about the idea of a relationship.
And I’ll send you an email regarding your question:)
I’m a bit confused… what do you mean by “if he hasn’t asked me out, the deal isn’t closed yet”
Maybe I misunderstood you, are you talking about a friend of yours or a boyfriend?
If he is a friend, has he asked you to be his girlfriend, or asked you out on a date? (not just hanging out)
Couldn’t have said it any better Robyn 🙂
Hi Robyn. I found your text really good. Actually I do had the same issue with who I thought was my best male friend. In fact, we were such great friends for many years (I think we already are, buut…), but something changed during the time we spent together. We never say anything about being in love but there was so much chemistry between us and that was undeniable.
Between 2008 and 2009, we were like more than friends but less than lovers, I mean we spent weekends together, and mostly of the time we talk with each other about anything. He made me feel at ease and sooo important to him; even he said that I was her best friend. But at some point something broke, we share a few kisses and spoke about being together but it never comes my way.
Saddly, at the beggingin of 2011 he found a girlfriend who hid from me and I do realize a month later because of facebook (which is so blabber!!) and some other friends. That broke all the trust, love and admiration that I felt for him; it was discouraging and so, so dissapointing! But then realization comes suddenly: if he really considered me his best friend, he won’t have to hide anything.
Months later, I mean in this time, we don’t talk with each other. He is there and I am here, but the bond was broken. Time to time I feel sad about, but I trasure every single moment I spent with him.
Thank you for sharing. I’m sorry to hear about your friendship. I’m not sure if he didn’t tell you because he wasn’t a good friend or because he didn’t want to hurt you.
It may take some time to get over this, but you will make it through:)
But also remember just because someone is a friend doesn’t mean they won’t make mistakes. If you feel your feelings are too strong for him, it is probably best you spend some time apart – but if you feel that your friendship was genuine, maybe in time you can reconnect with your friend.
“But also remember just because someone is a friend doesn’t mean they won’t make mistakes” <—This right here is so hard for people to understand.Even when the person is your mate and not a friend, we have to give them space to make mistakes and forgive….if thats what we want. I see all these things about how love doesn't hurt and if he makes you cry he is not the one (paraphrasing) etc but those do not take into account that this is real life and relationships between two real people are going to include hurt feelings on both sides. No one is perfect and putting that kind of burden on any person is going to kill what could be a great relationship. I believe that we have been so conditioned by movies, music and platitudes used as facebook statuses that we have this unrealistic expectation of love, relationships and marriage. we expect our partner to be perfect, to always understand us, to love us even when we can't stand ourselves but we don't expect that we are going to have to give that kind of love….
Thanks Tiffani for sharing.
Hi P Black,
Sorry to hear about your situation with your friend, I think we can all relate to your situation.
Sometimes a situation like this comes at the wrong time. Right person, wrong time sort of thing and it’s a bomber when it happens.
This was sent from heaven to meat the right time i needed it.Thanks.
You are very welcome Edith. I’m glad the post was able to help. Thanks for your comment.
Thanks Robyn for allowing me to participate in the discussions here.
I found this point you made interesting:
“It’s the feeling of missing out on the one who is right for you. You may feel that he is the perfect fit and that there is a lot of chemistry and you just fit well together.
And when this happens, you may start to do things you wouldn’t normally do, like disregard the fact that he has a girlfriend or be willing to go above and beyond for him even though you aren’t in a relationship.”
We men have our own equivalent too, but ours usually comes too late when the woman is no longer in our lives. Every man has got a story about the woman he feels got away and every now and then thinks about her and wonders what his life would be like had things worked out between them.
I have these discussions with my male friends quite a bit and it’s interesting because we men usually get that feeling of “I let a good one get away” AFTER the encounter has passed. Whereas from what you said, it seems like most women have get this feeling DURING the encounter with the man and not after. Found this to be an interesting twist of perspectives. 🙂
Thanks dear i have done my part now its left to him to take a decision.
Thanks soooooooooo much,this conversation has been all about meeee,oh my God,am so touched,am sill a single girl but i’ve learnt how to handle my situation,thanks Marvin,Robyn and all the rest.
Many thanks for your website! I really value what you’re doing here.
Speaking of changing up perfumes…
So my situation is a little different in that I am not in love with my best friend.
So when I changed up my perfume, it wasn’t for anyone, really. I had just gone Black Friday shopping and had gotten a new body spray. So I wore that one day.
And then the guy who sits behind me immediately noticed and COMMENTED on it. Could this potentially mean something?
Hi Solodolo:)
I wouldn’t take the one compliment and run with it. You’ll have to look at other things he does to determine if there is interest.
Robyn
well i really am in love with my best friend but i told him already. and i dont know what to do now… he told me that he loves me as his best friend. but i feel like he loves me…. the way he talks and the way he behaves makes me think that he is in love me…
what do i do now??
really need help