I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for two years. We currently live together. I don’t know where I stand with him. Only his close friends and his staff know about me.
Recently, he has been having a lot of visits from a neighbor of ours. When I return home she leaves 5 minutes after I arrive or leaves right away. I have found some disturbing texts between her and him where he describes me as his “housemate”.
He has not even told his parents about me, as they continually try to “hook him up” with other women. They do live in another country, but I feel that they should still know about me.
He used to express that he loved me. But just recently I asked him if he loved me and he responded, “I care about you” – What should I do?
This is a tough situation to be in especially if you both have already made a “commitment” to live with each other. A lot of women are or have been in situations where they’ve made a “commitment” without a commitment.
I’ve asked Eris Huemer of LoveEris.com to provide her insight on this question.
Eris Huemer, MA MFT, is the author of “Break-Up Emergency. A Guide to Transform Your Break UP into a Break THROUGH” and has been a reoccurring “Love Doctor,” on Ryan Seacrest’s national radio show. Eris is a licensed marriage and family therapist and relationship coach who specializes in doing Love Makeovers with singles and couples.
She guides people toward making positive and lasting life changes and helps them create relationships that they want and deserve. Eris helps people bring their Sexy Back in relationships while helping individuals and couples reinvent themselves from the inside out. Eris has a successful business in Los Angeles, CA, where she lives with her husband.
Its been two years. Thats 730 plus days that you have given to this man who won’t commit. And the two of you haven’t communicated well enough to know where you stand in this relationship. However, if you look at the reality of this situation, his actions are telling you where he stands. He hasn’t told his parents about you. He is flirting with the girl next door. And, he says that he “cares about you” – which is his way of saying, “I’m not in love with you.”
This is a tough position to be in. Especially because you love him.
Have you even heard the term failure to commit? A guys failure to commit to a relationship can be due to many factors.
The one that stands out here is living together before he puts a ring on it. One of the reasons men don’t commit fully is because they can live with someone and get all of the benefits (sex, cooking, cleaning, etc) and not make the commitment. In his mind its friends with benefits (i.e. housemate). They get the best of both worlds. If you are comfortable with this arrangement, then great. If you aren’t you probably shouldn’t be living together until you know for sure that he wants the same things out of the relationship that you do.
I suggest not living with your spouse before having “The Talk” – knowing exactly what you are working towards as a couple…or not. For example, do you want to get married, have children, live in the suburbs, etc. This conversation goes way deeper than “whats your favorite hobby” or “whats your sign?” You must know where a person stands before you move in with him.
That being said, you asked what you should do in your senerio.
Have “The Talk” NOW. Immediately.
Ask him when a good time to talk is so that he can pick the time and his defenses won’t be up as much. This Talk could begin something like this but will take on a life of its own.
“(Name), as much as I love you and would love to continue to be in a committed relationship with you, I am uncomfortable with how you are treating me. I feel awful when you flirt with the girl next door and I over heard you calling me your housemate. When I asked you if you loved me you said that you “cared about me”. You also haven’t mentioned me to your family, which I find odd. This is not the kind of relationship that I want to continue to be in.”
The course of this conversation will go wherever it goes. Listen to him. He will either realize what he has done and take the relationship to the next level of commitment or he won’t. The most important thing is for you to love yourself first.
If he’s not the one whos in love with you its time for you to Get Over It and find someone else who is.
To Your Break THROUGH Success!
What have you learned from past relationships? Were you able to rebuild your love?