How to Attract Men Without Trying to Be Someone You’re Not

For years, I thought I knew why I wasn’t attracting the kind of relationship I wanted.

It was my weight.

At least, that’s what I told myself.

Then I went to college and lost 30 pounds. I had an internship selling books door to door in Georgia, and between walking all day and working ridiculously long hours, the weight came off quickly.

And something interesting happened.

I got more attention from men.

But I didn’t suddenly get the relationship I’d been wanting.

Changing my appearance may have changed how many men noticed me, but it didn’t magically change the quality of my relationships.

That taught me something I’ve carried with me ever since:

Getting more attention and attracting the kind of person you actually want aren’t the same thing.

Start With What You Already Bring

One of our older articles on attraction asked women to think about their personal “brand.”

I wouldn’t describe it that way today, but I still love the idea underneath it.

What makes you you?

Maybe you’re funny. You’re the person who can make almost anyone feel comfortable. You’re curious and can talk about practically anything. Maybe you’re affectionate, adventurous, thoughtful, ambitious, creative, or incredibly loyal to the people you love.

Sometimes we become so focused on what we think men want that we overlook what we naturally bring to a relationship.

You don’t need to become the woman you think men find irresistible.

Let people meet you.

Give Attraction Somewhere to Start

Of course, being yourself doesn’t mean sitting quietly in the corner hoping the right man somehow discovers all your wonderful qualities.

You have to give people an opportunity to know you.

Smile.

Make eye contact.

Start a conversation.

If you’re interested in someone, show some interest.

I used to give very specific flirting instructions, right down to how long a woman should hold eye contact before looking away. I don’t think you need a formula.

The point is simply to be open enough for connection to happen.

Sometimes we want someone to approach us while giving absolutely no indication that we’d welcome the approach.

You don’t have to chase someone, but you also don’t have to make your interest impossible to detect.

Know What You’re Trying to Attract

This might be the most important part.

For a long time, I was focused on whether men wanted me.

Eventually, I realized I needed to spend more time thinking about what I wanted.

There’s a big difference between:

I want a man.

and

I want a relationship that feels like this.

What matters to you?

Maybe you want someone affectionate. Reliable. Funny. Emotionally open. Someone who wants children, or absolutely doesn’t. Someone whose lifestyle works with yours.

Knowing what you want doesn’t guarantee you’ll never choose the wrong person or experience heartbreak.

It simply gives you something else to consider besides whether there’s attraction.

You’re not only trying to attract someone. You’re deciding whether the person you’re attracted to fits the life and relationship you want.

Pay Attention to What You Believe

There was a period when I wasn’t meeting the kind of men I wanted, and I started believing there simply weren’t any good men out there.

Then I met some genuinely good guys in college, and it challenged that belief.

I don’t think believing good men exist magically causes them to appear.

But I do think our beliefs affect how we move through the world.

If I’m convinced men only want one thing, I may interpret every interaction through that belief. If I believe a man like that would never want someone like me, I might never give him an opening to show me otherwise.

The same thing can happen when we believe we have to lose weight, become more interesting, fix our lives, or reach some imaginary version of ourselves before we’re desirable.

I learned that lesson when I lost those 30 pounds.

My body changed.

I was still me.

And ultimately, that’s the woman someone was going to have to get to know.

So if you’re wondering how to attract men, I wouldn’t start by asking what you need to change about yourself.

Know what you bring. Be open enough to let people experience it. Know what kind of relationship you’re looking for.

Then pay attention to the men you meet.

Because attracting a man isn’t really the finish line.

You still have to decide whether you want what you’ve attracted.