What Really Makes a Guy Want You? It’s Not About Being Perfect

How do you make a guy want you? It’s an understandable question when you’re interested in someone and hoping he feels the same way.

There are certainly things that can help attraction develop, and there are things that can get in the way. But before getting into those, there’s something more important to keep in mind throughout the attraction process: pay attention to whether what you’re doing actually feels like you.

If you feel like you’re doing something outside of yourself to attract a man—acting less interested than you are, dressing like someone you’re not, holding back your personality, following a dating rule that doesn’t sit right with you—you may actually get him. But at what cost if you have to continue acting in a way that isn’t aligned with who you are?

Attraction isn’t just about getting someone’s attention. You want to be wanted for the person you actually are.

So instead of treating these as techniques for how to make a man want you, think of them as a few things to keep in mind as attraction develops.

3 Things to Keep in Mind When You Want a Guy to Notice You

1. Start With How You Feel About Yourself

Do you believe in yourself? This may sound corny, but how you feel about yourself can affect how you show up when you’re attracted to someone. Do you see yourself as attractive and desirable? Are you comfortable letting someone get to know you without constantly wondering whether you’re doing enough to keep their interest?

How do you feel about yourself?

You can’t fake loving yourself. It will eventually come out and affect your close relationships.

There’s a part of the original advice here that I still agree with: working on yourself matters. But I would explain it differently today. Self-confidence isn’t an attraction technique, and loving yourself doesn’t guarantee that a particular person will want you.

The point is to have a strong enough foundation that another person’s interest—or lack of interest—doesn’t determine how you see yourself.

That also makes dating a little less about performing. Instead of constantly asking, “Does he like me?” you have room to ask an equally important question: “Do I like who I am when I’m around him?”

2. Wear Something That Makes You Feel Good

First impressions matter, but you don’t need to win someone over in the first three seconds. Rather than worrying about an exact window in which a man supposedly decides whether he’s attracted to you, focus on something you can actually control: showing up feeling comfortable and confident.

Firstly, find something that you LOVE to wear. Not something you just like. Have you noticed how your attitude changes based on what you are wearing? I’m serious.

Usually when you feel like you look like a slob, you are less outgoing and less likely to talk to people. If you feel good about what you are wearing, it brings out the best in you. Your personality starts to shine.

The point isn’t to dress according to what you think men want. Wear something that feels like you and makes you feel good walking into the room. If getting the opinion of a trusted friend helps you decide between outfits, great. But attraction isn’t a dress code.

3. Give Him the Green Light

The third part of making a guy interested in you is giving him a little to go on. Smile at him. Give him a little eye contact and a warm smile. Sometimes that’s all it takes to let someone know you’re open to a conversation.

And you don’t necessarily have to stop there. You can start a conversation. You can flirt. You can tell him you’ve enjoyed talking to him. And yes, you can ask a man out.

This is one place where I see more nuance today. I used to frame attraction around fairly fixed masculine and feminine roles: the woman signals interest and the man pursues. I don’t think that dynamic needs to be a universal rule.

That said, my own preference hasn’t really changed. There is something about the feeling of being pursued that I love. I like knowing that a man is interested enough to initiate, make the effort, and move toward me. For me, that has always been part of the attraction.

Other women may see it differently. They may be perfectly comfortable making the first move or taking more of the lead, and there’s nothing inherently wrong with that. What matters is understanding what feels right to you rather than adopting someone else’s dating style because you’ve been told it’s the correct one.

Whatever your preference, pay attention to reciprocity. If you’re always initiating, always making plans, and always trying to move the relationship forward, that’s useful information.

You shouldn’t have to strategically hold back to force someone to pursue you. But you can leave enough room to see whether he chooses to move toward you on his own.

3 Things That Can Get in the Way of Attraction

1. Doing All the Work

Asking a guy out isn’t inherently a problem. Consistently carrying the connection by yourself can be.

If you’re the only person initiating conversations, suggesting dates, or keeping things moving, pay attention. Rather than pulling away as a strategy to make him chase you, give the relationship enough space to see whether he participates in it too.

Someone can enjoy your company and still not want the same kind of relationship you do. You don’t have to decode his motives with certainty. Look at the pattern of behavior and decide whether what he’s offering works for you.

2. Playing Hard to Get

Playing hard to get isn’t the same thing as actually having a full life filled with things you love to do.

If your schedule includes work, exercise, friends, volunteer activities, hobbies, family commitments, or simply time you’ve set aside for yourself, you don’t have to manufacture unavailability. Sometimes you really do have previous plans.

Having a full life isn’t valuable because it makes you appear less “needy.” It’s valuable because your life should remain yours when you’re dating someone. Your friendships, interests, work, family, routines, and goals don’t need to disappear because you’re excited about a new person.

A man can be a part of your world and not the wheels that keep it turning.

3. Playing Games

This never works long term. You end up hurting the man and yourself.

Trying to manufacture attraction through delayed replies, jealousy, mixed signals, or calculated distance can make dating unnecessarily confusing.

It also takes you back to the problem we started with: behaving in a way that isn’t really you in order to create a particular response from someone else.

If you like someone, it’s okay for your behavior to reflect that.

Being interested and having boundaries aren’t opposites. You can communicate openly while still paying attention to whether someone treats you well, respects what you want, and brings comparable effort to the relationship.

What Really Makes a Guy Want You?

You may believe to make a guy want you, you have to be extremely beautiful, a great conversationalist, and be willing to meet his every need.

This is false!

You don’t need to turn yourself into someone’s ideal woman, meet his every need, or master a set of attraction principles. Chemistry is personal, and different men are attracted to different qualities.

What you can bring to dating is confidence, curiosity, genuine interest, your own personality, and a willingness to communicate. Then pay attention to what comes back to you.

Ultimately, learning how to make a man want you isn’t nearly as useful as learning how to recognize mutual attraction. You can invite connection, but you can’t control another person’s feelings.

And this may be the most important thing to remember: don’t become someone else in the process of trying to attract someone.

If a particular approach gets his attention but requires you to keep performing in order to keep it, you’ve created a difficult position for yourself. The attraction may be real, but now you’re left wondering whether he wants you or the version of you that you presented to him.

When someone is interested, let him get to know the real you. At the same time, give yourself the opportunity to get to know the real him.

After all, the goal isn’t simply to get a guy interested in you. It’s to find out what happens when two people are interested in each other—and neither one has to become someone else to make it happen.