What to Talk About on a First Date (and What to Avoid)

Wondering what to talk about on a first date? You don’t need a perfect list of questions or a plan for every pause in the conversation. But having a few first date conversation ideas in mind can make it easier to relax, get to know the person across from you, and let the conversation develop naturally.

These aren’t rules for saying all the “right” things or guaranteeing a second date. They’re simply a few ideas for what to do—and what you may want to avoid—to help make first date talk a little easier.

First Date Talk: What to Do

• Give them a little bit of information about yourself—tell them what you do for a living, some activities you enjoy, or what your aspirations are for the future.
• Ask your date questions about what they do for a living, what they enjoy doing in their spare time, hobbies they have, or other interests. You can draw from this information during uncomfortable silences.
• Show interest in what your date is saying. Ask questions without interrogating, make eye contact, and give them room to tell you about themselves.
• Put your phone away. There’s nothing worse than being partway through a conversation when your date becomes more interested in their phone than in the person sitting across from them.
• Find a topic you are both interested in and talk about that. It could be that this common interest will be the beginning of something beautiful!
• Let the conversation go beyond a checklist of first date conversation topics. Sometimes the best conversations come from following something interesting your date has just said rather than thinking about what you’re supposed to ask next.
• Talk about the things that genuinely interest you. You don’t need to manufacture common ground or make yourself seem more compatible than you are.
• Politics and religion used to be standard entries on the “don’t discuss on a first date” list. I don’t think that needs to be a universal rule. If beliefs or values are important to either of you, they may naturally come up. The better guideline is to pay attention to whether you can discuss differences respectfully.

First Date Conversation: What Not to Do

• Go somewhere so noisy that you can’t talk and get to know each other. Isn’t the point of first date talk to get to know each other? Choose somewhere that gives you a reasonable chance to have a conversation.
• Tell them your entire life story. You don’t have to cover every important experience, previous relationship, heartbreak, family issue, and childhood memory in one evening. That doesn’t mean meaningful subjects are forbidden; it simply means you can let intimacy develop at a pace that feels comfortable.
• Talk the entire time about yourself. A good conversation has some give and take, so make room for your date to share, too.
• Use your phone or send text messages to a friend during your date unless it is necessary. You are there to get to know your date—not to catch up with friends.
• Interrupt your date when they are speaking. Give them the same opportunity to finish a thought that you would want them to give you.
• Plan your future together out loud. It’s your first date—give it a chance! You can certainly talk about what you’re looking for in dating or relationships, but there’s a difference between discussing what you want and prematurely imagining a future with someone you have only just met.

What If the First Date Conversation Isn’t Amazing?

Your first date talk might not be all that interesting, but that alone doesn’t necessarily mean you should rule out a second date. Sometimes it takes time to get comfortable enough with a person to be your complete self. On the other hand, you don’t owe someone another date simply because nothing obviously went wrong. Pay attention to whether you felt comfortable, respected, curious, and interested in getting to know them better.

There’s another layer here that I appreciate more now: awkwardness and incompatibility aren’t the same thing. Two people can be nervous and still have potential. And two people can have effortless conversation without necessarily being a good match. First date conversation gives you information, but it doesn’t always give you an instant answer.

First date talk can be light and fun, but it doesn’t have to stay superficial. Don’t worry about performing perfectly or controlling what happens next. Enjoy the conversation, be yourself, and notice whether you’re enjoying their company as much as you’re wondering whether they’re enjoying yours.