How to Know If You Should Go on a Second Date When You’re Unsure

How do you know if you should go on a second date with someone?

When we originally wrote this article, we gave you five reasons you shouldn’t go on a second date. And those reasons still made sense. But when I revisited the article years later, I realized they were mostly addressing the easier decision, the dates where you can identify something specific that tells you not to continue.

The harder question is what to do when you can’t.

Sometimes the answer is obvious. He lied about something important, treated you badly, or you discovered that you want completely different things. Maybe something happened that made you uncomfortable enough that you know you don’t want to see him again.

But I think the harder decision is when nothing went terribly wrong.

He was perfectly nice. The conversation was okay. There isn’t a glaring red flag you can point to.

You’re just… not feeling it.

That’s when we can start talking ourselves into another date because we feel like we need a better reason to say no.

What If There Isn’t Anything Wrong With Him?

One of the things I still believe from the original version of this article is that you shouldn’t have to force a relationship because you want it to work.

But I would take that idea a little further today.

You also don’t have to find something wrong with a man to justify not wanting to continue dating him.

Dating can easily turn into an evaluation of whether the other person is objectively good enough. He’s nice, has a good job, wants a relationship, and checks many of the boxes you said mattered to you. Maybe your friend even thinks he’s great.

So shouldn’t you give him another chance?

Maybe.

But “he seems like a good guy” and “I want to spend more time with him” are two different things.

A man can be perfectly wonderful and still not be your person.

Do You Need a Spark, or Just Some Curiosity?

I used to put more emphasis on chemistry. There should be some connection, some chemistry or some sort of spark that comes about without trying.

I still think attraction matters. You deserve to be with someone you’re attracted to. I’m just less convinced that every worthwhile relationship announces itself with an immediate spark.

First dates can be awkward, and people get nervous. Attraction can grow as you become more comfortable with someone, so a date that didn’t produce fireworks isn’t necessarily a reason to write him off.

Rather than asking, “Was there enough chemistry?” I think there’s a more useful question:

Do I have any curiosity about this person?

Maybe you’d like to hear another one of his stories or you’re wondering what he’s like when he’s more relaxed. Something about him may have made you want to know more. Even simply feeling that spending another hour or two together could be interesting rather than an obligation can be enough reason for a second date.

At this point, you don’t need to know whether he’s “the one” or even whether you’re particularly attracted to him yet.

Curiosity gives you a reason to find out more.

What If You’re Trying to Convince Yourself?

Pay attention to the conversation you’re having with yourself after the date.

There’s a difference between:

“I didn’t feel much of a spark, but I’d actually like to see him again.”

and:

“I really don’t want to go out with him again, but maybe I should.”

That second sentence is worth noticing.

Maybe you’re worried you’re being too picky or don’t want to lose a potentially great guy. Being tired of dating can play a part too, especially when you really want a relationship. And sometimes we simply think someone this nice deserves another chance.

But a second date isn’t something you owe someone because they behaved well on the first one. Declining another date doesn’t mean you’ve concluded there’s something wrong with him either.

It only means you don’t want another date.

That can be enough.

Of course, your instincts aren’t infallible. Fear, old experiences, impossible standards, or preconceived ideas can affect how you respond to someone, so it’s worth being curious about your own reactions too.

That doesn’t mean you have to investigate yourself until you find a reason to override what you feel.

If you’re deciding whether to go on a second date, maybe the question isn’t whether you can find a good enough reason to say no. Ask whether there’s something in you that genuinely wants to say yes.

If there’s curiosity, go find out more.

If there isn’t, nothing has to have gone terribly wrong.

Sometimes “I’m just not feeling it” really is enough.