When you end things with a significant other, it’s very common to miss them once they are out of your life. Our emotions can sometimes get the best of us, causing stress and confusion – even when we know we have made the right decision for both parties involved.
Some days you will feel fabulous and confident. Other days, you might feel sad. And then, when you least expect it – the dreaded feelings of regret start to creep in. You may start to think, “I miss my ex husband so much,” or wonder, “What did I do wrong?” You are likely experiencing grief, which is both unpredictable and comes in waves.
The only way to understand how to get through a tough breakup is to live through it yourself. Watching other people go through similar situations does not do justice to the feelings of loss, loneliness, rejection – and even anger – that women feel after a breakup. But, you can rest assured that going through a breakup will be a humbling experience that allows you to understand yourself, life and the world around you with a new perspective.
When you really miss an ex boyfriend or husband, you will need to take care of yourself and keep a clear head about the situation to emerge a healthy and transformed person. Follow these simple (yet straightforward) steps about what to do when you miss your ex.
Why Do You Miss Him?
Do you really mean, “I miss my ex boyfriend,” or do you miss the idea of him? It’s easy to miss having a partner, especially when the people closest to you are coupled up. It’s very normal to miss very real things about your ex – the consistent contact (both physical and emotional) as well as your ex’s friends and family, who are likely off-limits to you now. But, be sure that you’re not obsessing over these things.
There are many reasons you might feel like you missing your ex boyfriend or husband. Maybe you are just lonely or in need of a change. Or, maybe you feel like he was the love of your life!
Post-breakup, it’s important to be very intentional about what you really miss about your ex. If you think you can eventually work things out, it’s still important to give him (and yourself) the time you need to really think things through.
Whether you think you still have a future together of not, there are obviously (also very real) reasons that you and your ex broke up. Keep these things in the forefront of your mind. Just because you aren’t right for each other, it doesn’t mean either of you is a bad person. Your ex might be lovely – but that doesn’t mean he’s the right man to commit to and spend your life with.
Once you start dating again, you might realize there is something out there for you that you didn’t imagine or consider. When you’re caught up in the aftermath of a past love, it’s hard to see any further than tomorrow. But rest assured, there are many fish in the sea and many different types of men out there. Give yourself a chance to see who else might be out in the world waiting for you.
Don’t Blame Yourself
When your thoughts turn to, “I miss my ex boyfriend so much it hurts,” you may wonder if you did something wrong or could have saved the relationship. While relationships are hard work, they are supposed to enrich your life, not make it more difficult and complicated. Being hard on yourself will not fix the past (or the future).
Be careful not to blame yourself – or him. Placing “fault” or blame on only one party is dangerous and can lead to resentment and confusion. Relationships are a two-way street. Maybe one of you wasn’t giving the other what they need, but it’s no one’s fault. Everyone deserves the opportunity to find someone who makes them feel fulfilled and excited to build a future.
There is likely a very good reason that you and your ex broke up. Maybe he wasn’t putting forth effort anymore. Maybe your life goals didn’t align. Or maybe the feelings of love simply faded. None of these make you (or your ex) more at fault than the other.
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Of course, you are allowed to change your mind as you take time apart. If you really miss your ex after time passes and think you want to give it another try – that’s okay! Just remember – you acted as you did and made the decisions you did because it’s how you felt at the moment. Try not to second guess yourself before you have time to reflect.
Be Realistic
It’s easy to look back on relationships and only remember the good times. But, there was obviously a reason that you broke up! Try not to romanticize the time you were together. Remember both the good and the bad without dwelling on either one.
Be realistic about your post-breakup contact. For example, if you broke up because he cheated on you, give yourself time to heal without telling him you miss it. It took me a very long time to realize – you can miss someone without telling them. It’s unrealistic that you will be friends or try again immediately before trust is built back up between you.
If you both think there might be a chance of making it work (and you both truly miss each other), set up a monthly phone date so you can talk about how you feel. Be realistic about timelines and expectations. Even if you end up back together, you have both likely changed in the time you were apart.
Trust may have been broken. You may have learned something about yourself or what you want in life. If the relationship eventually starts anew, the relationship can never go back to the way it was before the breakup. It will be a fresh start – a new relationship, even – with two very changed people.
Also be realistic and fair in your communication with your ex. Text messages are easier and less confronting, but often get misconstrued or misinterpreted. It’s better to talk in person or over the phone so you can clearly state what you mean without confusion. Regardless of your future friendship or contact with your ex, it’s realistic to give it time and take it slow – for both of your sake.
Make An Action Plan – For Moving On
When you’re wondering what to do when you miss your ex – start with yourself. You can’t always control situations and you certainly can’t control other people, but you can control your own actions and behavior.
Maybe take a break from dating to get to know your single self! One mistake many women make is jumping back into a relationship right away. You often find the person who is the antithesis of the guy you just broke up with. Can we say – rebound? Take the time you need to do some soul-searching. Foster your career or passions before you jump back into the dating world.
Don’t be ashamed if you need to see a therapist. If this guy was the love of your life, or if you’re coming out of a marriage, it’s likely you are experiencing cold, hard grief. It can help to have a medical professional, or support group, to vent with. Your friends and family want what is best for you and are biased in your best interest.
A therapist or psychologist will give you an objective point of view and guide you through the grieving process. Feeling the pain that comes with a breakup is one of the keys to healing from it. You can’t go around it – you have to go through it.
When you are ready to start dating again, try something new! Try out dating apps, or let a friend set you up on a blind date. Be adventurous and collect experiences.
Write Him A Letter
The biggest mistakes I have made post-breakup were saying (or texting) without thinking through what I was going to say. I would talk about the past when I was upset or lonely, and often deeply regretted things I said in anger. Choose your words carefully when you miss your ex. Try writing him a letter (or even an email).
Writing is one of the best forms of therapy. Even if you don’t send it – write your ex a letter. It’s one of the easiest ways to be honest and understand your subconscious. Hold onto the letter, keep it for some time, and re-read it.
If you still feel like you want to send it, go ahead. In my experience, you likely won’t even end up wanting to send it. On the rollercoaster of a breakup, you will often find that the way you felt a week ago is much different than the way you feel today.
For a more real-time experience, try this tactic. Every time you feel the urge to text him, write it in the notes section of your phone. You’ll have record of how you felt over a span of time (say, a month) and be able to reflect on patterns and identify themes that come up. This will help you to take a less emotional and more honest look at how you feel about the situation.
Limit Contact
Especially is the breakup is fresh, limit contact with your ex. Create strong boundaries and don’t budge. Limit contact with his friends and family, too.
Try to take at least 30 days with no contact to give you both time to reflect on your relationship and the breakup without the input of others. You need to focus on how you feel. If it’s meant to have another try, you both will know when it’s time.
It’s okay to be in contact (rarely) after some time has passed. But, be sure to give him – and yourself – space to move on and start a new relationship. If one of you starts dating someone else, it’s a good idea to stay away.
Social media can be a very slippery and dangerous slope. If you share mutual friends on Facebook or Instagram, it’s likely you will see picture of your ex. You might see something you don’t want to see (like him with another girl). I have found it best practice to avoid social media all together for at least a month post-breakup.
Stay Busy
Keep yourself busy and focus on yourself! A very wise therapist once told me – “When you can’t see clearly for yourself, you have to rely on the people who love you to see for you.” This was groundbreaking to me.
Whenever my family and close friends tried to give me advice, I would get angry and defensive. I was so deeply involved in the grief of my breakup that I couldn’t see clearly anymore. I had to make the decision to rely on the people I knew had my best interest at heart to tell me what reality looked like.
You deserve a man who can give you what you want and need. You deserve a man who wants to be with you for who you are! And – you don’t necessarily need to go searching for him right now.
Take care of yourself. Discover your passions. Be someone you would love to date! Take time to yourself and create white space – time where you have no plans but can do whatever you feel like doing in that moment. Yoga, running and reading have all worked wonders for me.
Even simple pick-me-ups, like watching a romantic comedy or having friends over, can combat on a sappy or depressed mood. Get out in nature, or try a new hobby (painting, dance, something expressive or creative) as an outlet for your feelings. I can guarantee you will feel more clear-headed after a long workout. Check out these other tips from Huffington Post on how you can keep busy by distracting your mind.
HUFFLINGTON POST TIPS:
Check out other tips from Huffington Post on how you can keep busy by distracting your mind.
When you’re unsure what to do when you miss your ex, try out these tips to protect yourself and your feelings. Stay focused on the present and try to think logically despite strong emotions. One thing’s for sure – you deserve someone who lifts you up and enriches your life. Prioritizing your own needs and feelings will never steer you wrong.
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