If you’ve been single longer than you expected, eventually you can question, Why am I still single?
Sometimes you’re genuinely curious about why you’re still single. Other times, you’re really asking a different question: Is there something wrong with me? Why does everyone else seem to find someone while I can’t?
Before I met my boyfriend (husband now) there were some things I was doing that were actually getting in the way of me meeting really nice men.
Being single doesn’t always mean there’s something that needs to be “adjusted”.
Sometimes you haven’t met the right person yet. Sometimes you’ve met plenty of people, but none of those relationships were right for you. Timing, opportunity, where you live, who you meet, what you want can all play a role.
Still, if you’re asking why you can’t find a relationship, there are a few things worth getting curious about.
What Do You Actually Believe About Dating and Men?
How do you feel about men? Really look within.
Do you think all men are dogs, all they care about is one thing, or that they will always “be a man”?
Before I met my boyfriend, who eventually became my husband, that was the first thing I had to change.
Maybe you believe something completely different. But it’s important to see what words come to mind when you think of the word “men”.
I had observed many relationships, probably not the best ones and I had a general dislike towards men.
Those beliefs can get in the way of meeting the type of man you’d like to meet.
If you expect every man to disappoint you, you may approach dating defensively. You might interpret ambiguity as proof of what you already believe, overlook someone who doesn’t fit your assumptions, or stay hyperfocused on signs that something is about to go wrong.
Your beliefs don’t control other people’s behavior. But they can influence how you experience dating and the choices you make within it.
And sometimes those beliefs came from somewhere very understandable. If you’ve repeatedly been hurt or watched relationships around you fall apart, distrust doesn’t appear out of nowhere.
The goal isn’t to force yourself to believe “all men are wonderful.”
It’s to leave enough room for the person in front of you to show you who he actually is.
What Are You Expecting for Yourself?
What are your expectations for yourself? Do you believe that a good man will come into your life?
There are good men out there that like all different types of women.
There isn’t one type of woman who gets to have a good relationship.
Instead of trying to convince yourself that a good man definitely will appear, pay attention to whether you’ve started treating some part of yourself as the reason no one could want you.
Your career. Your age. Your body. Your personality. Your past. The fact that you’ve been single for a long time.
When “Why am I single?” turns into “There must be something about me that makes me unlovable,” you’re no longer asking a useful question. You’re reaching a conclusion without enough evidence.
You can want a relationship and still refuse to make your relationship status a verdict on your worth.
Are You Doing Too Much to Make a Relationship Happen?
Should women pursue a man that they like?
I personally enjoy being pursued. There’s nothing like the feeling of knowing a man you’re interested in is making an effort because he genuinely wants to see you.
But I don’t think every woman has to date that way. Initiating a conversation, expressing interest, or asking someone out isn’t automatically a problem.
What I would pay attention to is whether you’re continually having to create the relationship yourself.
Are you always initiating? Keeping the conversation alive? Suggesting every date? Explaining away lukewarm behavior because you really want this one to work?
That’s different from simply showing interest.
You don’t have to convince someone to become interested enough to participate.
Being Single Isn’t Always a Problem to Solve
This may be the biggest thing I would add to the original article.
If you’re wondering why you can’t find the right person, self-reflection can be useful. Maybe there are patterns worth changing. Maybe you’re choosing unavailable people, ignoring incompatibilities because you don’t want to start over, or approaching dating with assumptions that aren’t serving you.
Look at those things.
But don’t automatically assume your singleness proves you’re doing dating wrong.
A healthy relationship requires another person who is compatible with you and wants to build the same kind of relationship you do. That’s one part of the equation you can’t manufacture through better thinking, more confidence, or the perfect dating strategy.
You can control whether you meet people, whether you’re open, what you tolerate, how honestly you communicate, and whether you walk away from relationships that aren’t right for you.
You can’t control when the right person will appear or whether a particular person will choose you.
So if you’re still single, get curious before you get desperate.
There may be something worth changing.
There may also be nothing wrong at all.
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What do you think?
I definately agree on “expectations” part, I have observed that when I expect the highest of standards from my husband with regards to behaviour, attention, chores etc he actually plays the part I expect him to! I believe men (and women) are like flowers that will not flourish and bloom if they don’t receive water ,sunlight and love. Everyone wants to be appreciated for what they get right and men are not any different! Expect the best and you shall receive the best ladies! 🙂
Lebogang, You’re right on the money, I appreciate your comment.
Great article! As a woman that has chased men in the past, I feel it’s a NO. Men love the chase. If he’s truly interested he will make time to call and spend time. No excuses.
yes i myself feel like all men are dogs,and there out to get one thing!i myself have been dog out real bad by some one who i thought really loved me,come to find out i put all my trust in this person and he did to me what he said he would never do.and that he wasnt like the rest! i never chased a man until i met him because i felt like he really loved me and that if i chase him he would come back and be with just me.truth be told i set myself up and got hurt real bad..my expections is to allow a man to find me and me not look for a man,because when you look you wont find mr right,you only get mr right now!!! and thats not something i want,i want some one who would love me despite my flaws,no one is perfect,but i believe there is a good man out there for me,but for now im staying single and i have my guard up very high….i just dont want to get hurt again
Great article. I used to “chase” men somewhat by asking them out first and managing the relationship. But after the last incident with a man I took back my role as the Queen. I wait for the men to pursue me and since I expect it, they do. Expectations are big. In fact expectations are symbolic of what a person actually believes about him/herself.
@ Ejae I think we all go through that stage. I think the moment I decided to not chase men was the moment everything changed for me. It was the moment it was ok to just be with myself. And very soon after that I met my prince charming!
@ Bella Yeah, sometimes we can get “tricked” by men and get hurt badly. But as tough as it may be we have to dust ourselves off and prepare ourselves for something better, which it sounds like you have done:) Also not to hold on to a guilty until proven innocent attitude, men can feel that also (that you have your heart closed because you don’t want to get hurt). I know it’s hard if you really trusted someone and they took advantage of that trust.
As hard as it might be, forgiveness is the answer to moving on. Having your guard up does protect you from the bad men but sometimes it doesn’t allow the GOOD ones to filter in either. I’m confident that you will be able to trust again and that the RIGHT man will appreciate all you have to give:)
Thank you so much for sharing. I appreciate your comment:):)
@ofzionsdaughters Thank You! I completely agree 100%. Expectations are crucial:)
I hope that I don’t stand alone, but I think that there are still some good men out there. I Ihave high standards for men. I like a smart man, neat looking, good manners. I have a strong personality,yet my heart & feelings can be hurt so easily. I always manage to get the kind of man I would like. All starts off really well, but then the y loose intrest in me. After reading your articles, Im guessing I know why. They pursue me, but then I pursue them. I know that Im doing it, but I don’t stop. He asked about my exboyfriend & I told him. Hard to admit it but I also broke the second rule, do not talk about sex. We have not gone out on a date, but we still communicate daily. Tells me that he misses me sooo much, continues to be so kind with his words, but after a month & half , we haven’t had a date. Is there a way to get back to him pursing me again with intrest?
To answer this complicated question, there’s a simple answer: My ex. Now to give a logical explanation, it’s simple—there’s this attachment that I am still refusing to let go of. After experiencing completion, satisfaction, and self-fulfillment; no one having the fair chance of competing with my feeling of serenity. My ex’s smile… gave my heart a ‘glow’, his touch made my body tremble, while his voice lifted me from what you call realism. His intelligence made me beam, while his laughter provided happiness that would last for an eternity. His pupils were the first pair that I have ever looked directly into; his soul is the only soul my soul yearns to connect with relentlessly. During our spiritual experiences the room we are in disappears and our bodies interlock as the souls do on Avatar. This is the reason why I am STILL single. I’ve met my soul mate… just waiting patiently for him to realize that he has already met his.
@Irma If you’ve pursued him in the past, the best thing to do is to pull back a little bit, be less available. This doesn’t mean playing games, but if you are busy this means not stopping to answer the phone or going out of your way to catch his calls. If he is interested, he will pursue again, you just have to give him a chance. If you want more information on this, you should check out the recommendation above, Men Made Easy – it’s by no means a must, but it is very helpful resource & I believe in Kara Oh’s philosophy on men.
I agree on all the 3 points above, but most importantly, if you posses all 3 of those qualities, then just continue to work on yourself as a woman, improve yourself, become the best you while NOT looking for a man, and sooner than later, a good man will find you!
I agree! Before a woman can expect anything from anyone else they must have expectations for themselves and make sure they are living up to them. So many women make expectations for men that they cant even fulfill on their own (i’ve done this and i’m finally learning lol). I believe we as women need expectations so that we just don’t fall for anything but make sure they are fair:) We have to ask ourselves are we happy? If we are not happy in our own single lives don’t expect to be truly happy just because you have a mate. I definitely don’t think a woman should chase. A women should not have to pursue a man, and if a guy really is interested in you he will chase you. Would you really want to be dating someone you had to chase down?? As retarded as guys can be sometimes (sorry fellas) they do know what they want, and if the right one wants you he will pursue you! Stay positive and happy. Have faith and patience 🙂
@Daisy WOWWWWWW! All I can say is, I want some of that! That is amazing that he made you feel this way. But more so, you want a guy that feels the same way about you. And waiting for him to realize how special you are, might harm you more than help the situation.
By waiting only for him, u adopt the mindset of lack, that he is the only man on earth that you can be with and make you feel this way, and u could be setting yourself up for disappointment. Because if he does choose you, you are putting too much power in his hands(and he might not be able to live up to your expectations), and if he doesn’t choose you, an extreme heartbreak.
Alternatively if you say that, “This guy made me feel awesome, and I liked that feeling. Maybe he’s the one out there for me or maybe there is another who is even more awesome than he is. Thank God for presenting me with a man like this so I know exactly what I want in a lifemate.” – You are moving towards an abundance mentality. And you will see a lot of positive happen with your situation.
So as tough as it may be, you might want to date other men, see what’s out there, your guy seeing that you are able to date other people takes a lot of weight and pressure off of his shoulders, and he might show a LOT more interest.
But believe this, whatever God has for you, he has for you, so if it is with this man that gave you that amazing feeling, it will happen in it’s own time:)
Thanks so much for the comment:)
@Jessica Thanks for your comment! I agree working on yourself is a very important part of attracting the right man.
@mcdon245 You are so right. They do know what they want. And will pursue you if they are interested. Thank you for your comment!
Completely agree! Chasing men is not the way forward. If a man wants to be with you – there is nothing. Absolutely nothing that will keep him away.
How do you change your feelings and expectations so you don’t end up with a terrible self fulfilling prophecy?