Are You Losing Yourself to Get His Approval?

The danger isn’t that he won’t like the real you. It’s that you may get so focused on keeping him that you stop being the real you.

I learned pretty early that trying to buy someone’s approval doesn’t work.

When I was 8 years old, Tasha said that she wasn’t going to be my friend anymore. She was popular, so I ran right in my house and emptied out my piggy bank.

Yes, I paid her to be my friend.

And you can probably guess how that investment worked out.

Shortly after that, we weren’t friends anymore. I had spent my life’s savings trying to convince someone to like me, and it hadn’t changed how she felt about me.

Years later, I realized you don’t have to empty a piggy bank to pay for someone’s approval.

Sometimes, you pay with yourself.

What Are You Giving Up for His Approval?

A lot of women do this with dating. Most of us don’t outright pay the guy to keep on dating us, but sometimes we’re guilty of hurting ourselves to get his approval.

You might put your wants and desires aside to make him happy. You might become more agreeable, more available, or less honest about what you really want because you’re afraid being yourself could cost you the relationship.

And when I say “too easy,” I mean too easy to please others without putting your own feelings and expectations first.

The problem isn’t being kind, flexible, or generous with someone you care about. The problem is repeatedly abandoning yourself in the process.

God made each one of us unique for a reason. No one can copy his design. You shouldn’t have to erase parts of yourself to earn a place in someone else’s life.

Here are some warning signals that you are becoming too easy to please at your own expense.

1. You Lower Your Expectations Just to Keep Him Around

It’s easy for a man to become a part of your life. All he has to do is compliment you or ask for your number and he’s in your life.

Or maybe you go out with him a couple of times and you really hate it, but you continue to keep him around for fear you won’t get another opportunity.

If you don’t enjoy being with him, that matters. Fear that no one else will come along isn’t a reason to keep saying yes to something you already know you don’t want.

2. You Become an Actress

This means not being yourself. You think he will like you if you “act” like someone else.

Maybe you hide your opinions, pretend to enjoy things you don’t, or present a version of yourself that you think will be easier for him to like.

You know in your heart that this isn’t you, but you have to continue to play the part for him to like you.

And that leaves you with a difficult question: If he likes the part you’re playing, does he actually know you?

3. You Become Too Available

This means changing your plans too quickly to make them work with his.

If you planned to work out on Friday at 5:00 p.m. and he asks you out to a movie at the same time, keep your date with yourself. Tell him you are busy at 5:00 p.m. and you won’t be able to go.

Not because you’re trying to make him chase you or prove how desirable you are.

Do it because your plans matter, too.

You can make room for someone in your life without reorganizing your life around him every time he wants your attention.

Stop Paying for Approval With Yourself

So maybe you didn’t outright pay cash for a “friend.”

But there are other ways to pay for approval.

You can pay with your time. Your expectations. Your plans. Your opinions. Your wants. Eventually, you may realize you’ve given up quite a bit just to keep someone interested.

If you are doing things just because of someone else, you really aren’t doing things that make you happy.

You don’t need to convince someone to choose you. You need enough room in a relationship to remain yourself, communicate what you want, and notice whether what the two of you have actually works for you.

I couldn’t buy Tasha’s friendship with the money in my piggy bank.

And you shouldn’t have to pay for love with pieces of yourself.